The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Hot Girl of The Week: Carrie Prejean; My Cat Attempts to Kill Me

Hello again. Let me get right to the point: I used to think I had good judgment, but that was 5 minutes ago. Thus, I give you this post, which shows how my taste in women has gone down the drain, and I provoke my cat to murder me in cold blood.

























Carrie Prejean was born approximately 2,000 years ago, in the times of Jesus of Nazareth, and as a little girl, she distinctly heard him say the following: "Surely I say unto you, gays can't get married, because marriage is for man + woman only." and she based her whole life on that whole premise.

As a youth, she quickly rose through the ranks of Beauty Pageants, which are special contests, for very special women. Thusly, she was crowned Miss California, a title which allows one to ride a float during a parade and wave to people. To be honest, I hate parades and think they're so boring that it's possible to die while watching one, which is #6 on my list of fears. #5 is my fear of getting trapped in a treasure chest, but that's another post for another time.

Unfortunately for Carrie Prejean, the judges of Miss USA (or Miss America, it was one of those, but who cares, right?) were prejudiced against Miss Prejean just because she was prejudiced against The Gays, ergo, costing her the much-prized Tiara Of Shallowness. She stood up for Traditional Marriage when asked about Gay Rights, which enraged The Left, but stirred up inspiration among The Right.

I personally have no opinion on her comment, but I personally think we should do marriage the way it was done in the Bible: With me being able to marry tons of wives.

After the beauty pageant, Carrie defended her moral high ground by releasing a barrage of leaked nude photos, and videos of her masturbating. Just tons and tons of shocking naked pictures, showing her doing the most lude things imaginable, and I was just like "Good for her... good for her." and at that point, I really grew to respect her and wanted to do heterosexual things with her.

If I had any advice for Carrie, it would be: If you have a gay judge, don't say something anti-gay, if you have a Jewish judge, don't say something anti-semetic, if you have some guy with a Brooklyn accent, don't say you're a Red Sox fan, et cetera.

I personally think Carrie and I would not work out as a couple, because my cat is a psychotic liberal bastard bitch, who scares me. To be honest, I live in constant fear of a cat attack, and always lock my door before going to bed, and sleep next to a baseball bat, although a knife might actually be better.


This is an accurate depiction of my cat:




















How did it get to this point where I live in a state of constant paranoia?


Well, a couple days ago, me and my cat were cool. I was just sitting there, and my cat was just sitting there, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, and completely out of the blue for no reason, my cat ran up to me, bit me, and gave me rabies and possibly the rage virus. The fangs of my cat penetrated clear through my hand, obviously drawing blood, and causing my friends to ask if I had developed stigmata.

I have no idea why my cat did this, because it was completely unprovoked. The only thing I can think of was that we were playing this really fun and funny game that involved me spinning my cat around and around on the linoleum floor by the tail. I was really having fun playing it, and I thought she was too, but I guess not! Damn!