Hilarious Naked Donald Trump Statue Appears Around The Nation

Oh, say it's not so! For those of you fortunate enough to have the sense to never imagine Donald Trump nude, a mysterious and heroic artist has decided to taint your memories with his or her brilliantly explicit work. At first you go, "NO." and wince at the sight of it, then you look again, and see something we all suspected: that Donald Trump may have married and divorced and married and divorced and married gorgeous women not for his amazing physique. But what could it be that sways these beautiful ladies into his flabby arms? Could it be his awful, pampered, condescending, smug, racist, sexist, and overbearing personality? Possibly. Or the man just has a huge dick.

OR

OR... OR HE HAS A BOATLOAD OF MONEY. We know he can jerk out a bunch of weird, suit-wearing kids, but somewhere under Donald Trump's extravagant rolls of whale blubber, there lurks a tiny (but busy) phallus with a net worth of "5 billion dollars". The hilarious shock-value of the 'Naked Trump' piece comes from the fact that it's what we all subconsciously imagined, and shows how truly absurd Trump becomes without his expensive suits. He just becomes a poorly-endowed, pear-shaped piece of rubber with a terrible haircut.

For the mystery-artist behind this, we can only say: well-done! This was hilarious and made our day here at the office. Mad props.

Dan Marino Has a Love-Child.

Dan Marino, giving the "thumbs up". "The sex was good." He said, speaking of his mistress.

WELL FOLKS, GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A LOVE-CHILD? Long-time football-guy-man-dude-thing, Dan Marino. But why? Why do so many celebrity men have extra-marital affairs? Dr. Stanley Lynn of the University of Puerto Rico, a specialist in field of Female Anatomy, explained, "Celebrity men who cheat on their wives are all governed by a principle which I have hypothesized in my many, many scientific journals, which sadly, nobody will ever read. Anyhow, my hypothesis basically combines the factors of the male penis, which is stimulated by the visualization of a female. This is a preliminary finding, but I believe males, generally, are inherently designed to actually want to insert their penises into the female vagina, without fear of the dreaded vaginal teeth that have been rumored to exist."

A spokesperson for Christian Families Living Unrealistically Perfect Lives, a non-profit group devoted to denouncing everything, denounced Dr. Lynn's findings, saying "We sincerely believe that once a man is wed to a woman through marriage with the proper legal documentation, that the all-powerful, infinitely supreme being beyond all of our comprehension and possible grasp of knowledge of his true nature, who could cause all of existence to cease by blinking, does not want men to stick their junk into any other woman besides the woman he signed those papers with."

Marino himself commented on the situation, saying, "Look. I take full responsibility for my actions, and by that, I mean I actually take zero responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be punished, and I will say whatever I possibly can to convince my family and fans to keep watching football shows that include me in them. What I did was very wrong, I mean, EXTREMELY wrong, however, in a contradictory thought juxtaposed to the prior half of this sentence, I have no regrets about anything. I mean, the sex was hot. Real hot. I loved squeezing her boobs and putting my dick in her pussy. Then, I would also cum. That part always made my dick feel just fantastic. However, the whole time, I was all like 'I hope my wife doesn't find out about this', but dang it, she found out! Haha, ya got me. You got me good."

Then, right there, at the press conference, a chimpanzee spontaneously combusted.