Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

Wearing a Hoodie Makes You a Criminal.

"Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cuz they shootin' errbody out here."
- Geraldo Rivera, on The O'Reilly Factor

Somewhere, Florida - A tragedy of unspeakable horror has gripped the nation's attention; 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was walking home with a bag of candy in one hand, and a soda in the other. Not a gun. A soda.

He was also wearing a hoodie.

George Zimmerman, a local guy person, spotted Martin walking through the gated community and seeing that young Trayvon Martin was a young black man with a hoodie, knew that something was amiss. So he shot him.

This story exploded overnight all over the face of the public media, sparking a controversy about Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law, which states: "Yo, if a muhfucka run up on you, you don't got no time to think. Toast dat muhfucka." which basically means that, if you feel threatened and feel like the person threatening you will probably kill and/or rape you, you have the right to shoot them until they die. Zimmerman claims that he was merely acting upon this right, even though he called the police, and the police specifically told him not to pursue Martin, and then he did anyhow, and then shot him.

On Bill O'Reilly self-named cable program, The O'Reilly Factor, guest commentator Geraldo Rivera made the following statement: "When I see a colored person wearing a hooded sweat shirt, I get really, really scared. Cold sweat starts to build on the back of my neck and my mustache begins to twitch. If blacks don't want to get shot, they need to quit freaking us white folks out by wearing hoodies. This goes for Mexicans, or Latinos, or whatever you'd call them... these people need to realize that if they wear a hoodie, it makes them look like a criminal and then we [white people] are probably going to shoot a nig- I mean black person. When you see a kid in a hoodie, what's the first thing you think of? Getting raped by black people and having to carry the shame of having a half-negro baby in your womb for 9 months. Make no mistake; they will rape the men too. I remember in 1992, a black man wearing sweatpants offered me a hotdog. I remember thinking 'A hotdog? That sounds delicious... HEY WAIT A MINUTE! He probably means his huge black dick raping me! He has sweatpants on, too, so it'll be easy to quickly rape me, then get his pants back on in time so nobody will even know what transpired.' so thinking quickly, I blew into my rape whistle, then unloaded an entire can of bear-mace into his eyes. It was actually kind of heroic, and even a little bit fun, although the hotdog stand's manager was visibly upset afterwards. I maced him too. He wasn't black or latino or anything, but I was just still kind of pissed off about the whole 'Al Capone's vault' fiasco."

Geraldo Rivera quickly apologized for these statements, later saying "lol, I was just trollin'"


Next issue: Was is it right for Rush Limbaugh to call Sandra Fluke a "cunt" on live radio?