IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY - A very meanie mean critique

It's friday. You know what that means! Time to power-trip on the internet!

As a high-powered ruthless soulless stalkerazzi with no remorse in my heart and no need for sleep or food, I am on a constant power trip. Once, while hiding in Tom Cruise's bushes, I was like "Damn, I'm good." so I don't need any extra power-tripping. If anything, I need medication to take it down a notch, because damn, I'm good. Other people, such as unnamed internet music producers, need to power-trip it up at everyone's expense.

However, the music video for Friday is trippin' like crazy, and also incidentally, is bad in every way humanly possible. Is it worse than genocide? Possibly. Genocide is really, really, really bad. Friday is only really, really bad with two "reallys". But does it deserve the criticism it receives by millions of outraged people/robots?

Yes.

There is theory "out there" which is that all publicity is good publicity. Well, let's put that to the test with this review.

On rating system of 1 to 10 stars, I give Friday a good solid -392,782,281,983,198,452,102,002.45, and I spit upon it with nastiest, snot-filled blob of spittle imaginable. If this were the movie industry, Friday would be the equivalent of Gigli, or perhaps even Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is rumored that Dick Cheney developed Ark Records as a method of torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay so that they will reveal the location of the 500 billion dollars in gold that Osama bin Laden hides in his beard. I suspect this is the case, because when I was chatting with Dick Cheney on AOL back in the day, one of his screen names was TrizzyGangsta13, and the Youtube Channel hosting the abomination known as Friday is Trizzy66. Coincidence!? OR SECRET ILLUMINATI PLOT?

I wish there was a way to take Friday, and turn it into some form of toilet paper, so I could wipe the shit off my ass with it and then watch as it spins down into the toilet never to be seen again except by the sewer-dwelling elite mutant turtle fighting force. But I know that this dream of mine is impossible, because you cannot make toilet paper out of shit. If you did that, you'd be wiping shit with more shit, and then everyone would just agree that it was a terrible invention.

I should clarify that Ark Records barely qualifies as a "record label", but for all intents and purposes, I will to refer to it as such. Also, if any of the girls involved in the production read this by some bizarre twist of fate, I just want to say that you made a very poor life decision, but I hope that you can move on and become stronger as people or something. What I mean is, this isn't like smoking weed in high school; this is like smoking crack in high school. I hope this analogy provides you with some perspective on how poor the decision to be involved in this project was.

Now, some of the other critiques of Friday have been fairly brutal, so I'm going to tone mine down and keep it sweet and simple. First of all, I do not wish any of the grizzly fates some incredibly insensitive people have suggested befall Ms. Black, but maybe like, maybe she could get stung by large number of bees or something. I, of course, would not release the bees personally, and would never involve myself in anything involving bees. Then again, I'd rather work with bees for the rest of my life rather than be even a lowly stage-hand in the production of Friday.

Rebecca Black's voice is horrendous, and sounds like a room full of people singing "Happy Birthday" out of tune. Her voice is the reason Simon Cowell quit American Idol. Her voice is the reason Christina Aguilera will quit NBC's The Voice. Her voice is the reason for the recent Tsunami/Earthquake/Nuclear disaster in Japan. I can barely believe that's her actual voice. I'm almost positive the original track was sung by a choir of mentally handicapped people, and she merely lip-synched over it.

The song itself was written by a 3-year-old girl with a red crayon on a piece of yellow construction paper. Then it was slapped down on the wooden crate Trizzy uses for a desk in what can be described as a "barely functional office space" and he was all like "This shit is genius! Let me just bust a rhyme on this track and it'll go platinum!" and then they did some elaborate handshake.

Then they spammed the shit out of the internet. Oh boy, did they ever spam. OH, don't worry that everyone thinks the video is a flaming pile of dung that will be the end of civilization itself, at least you got almost 60 million views (so far), and that's all that matters, right? 60 million is such a big number. And you earned it. So pop some bubbly and give the middle finger to all the haters, because hot damn, that number is big. You did it. You got the big number.