I HATE STUPID MOVIES ARGGGGGGGGGG

 

 I have but one question. Why?

As a matter of fact, I actually have another question: What the fuck?

I want to slam-dunk the writer of S. Darko into a garbage dumpster and tell him to perform fellatio on me. I want to take the maker of The Forgotten, and also throw him into the same dumpster. Then I want to grab the maker of Crash, and similarly throw him into that same dumpster, and then see all of them be poured into a dump truck. I would then dust my hands off, and say "Took out the trash." That would be awesome. But Fight Night, aka Rigged, is the last straw. This movie made me so mad that I smashed my television set on the concrete, then ran it over with my car, then punched a plate of pancakes clean out of some old guy's hands. After that, I sat down here in my computer chair to go on a verbal rampage, and put this movie up on my Worst Movies Ever list. 

Warning: Fuck you.

Movie: Fight Night.

Written by: Ian Shorr (More like bein' a bore. sup)

First, let me start this off by mashing on my keyboard wildly: p0839u5j4tgp034weeejrgifoi!!! oiwerjtglwiergoe!!!! lshddk; wsoidhgfpe8w 23qwie8hrtfp03qw984erh wdljifoduh! woqehrlowqnrlwqjn83own oisdjf89oj swoidfjwije 0w9ejfpow foj w 0uerjdfopwejf wps0uepfo0wqj w0eufjpowhf j sohfohow wso8yhf983w4ueht9owes 0psjdofhwo9 w9yto93whwe LINDSAY LOHAN IS ON CRACK 3wep4r8twe9r8 w809quetouwehdy09834utgmvskxmcow -uw9t8go 8wru9sjhf

Now, let me visualize a beautiful bonfire, where every copy of Fight Night is burning, never to be seen again.

Now, let me go to my happy place. It is a beautiful world, where the sun is shining, there is green grass, and beautiful mountains in the distance. A naked Alison Angel walks up to my side and puts her arm around me. Everything is wonderful.

Good, now I'm focused enough to break this shit movie down. Everyone involved in it's production should (and probably will) go to Hell. What they have done here is beyond anything that has ever been done in all of history, and yes, they are worse than Hitler. This movie is worse than the holocaust. The plot is worse than throwing a baby at a brick wall. This movie somehow is worse than Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen. Well, okay... maybe I'm just getting carried away now. It's not THAT bad.

Our wonderful piece of cinematic goat vomit begins with Dublin (played by some guy) narrating. He's a fairly annoying, irritating and stupid character. His profession is that of a con-man. He lays out the basic rules of his easy-money schemes:

1. Always portray the appearance of success. He wears a cheap suit and a pair of converses at all times, and doesn't own a car. He clearly follows this rule very well.

2. Always get the money beforehand. This is why he rigs fights, so he can get the money... uh... after...wards...

Okay, yeah. That makes no sense, but I feel like the writer just wanted to throw us some cliche con-man tips just to give us a sense of Dublin's... personality? I guess that what it is. So, at this point, the movie's "plot" unfolds, showing Dublin failing miserably at every con he attempts, and getting his ass kicked several times. Then, all of a sudden, a woman comes out of nowhere and beats the shit out of everyone because she's afraid the police will show up if they keep "causing trouble". Dublin then decides to stalk the woman and uses his best con-man persuasion to get her to fight for him in underground boxing matches. She refuses, because he sucks at his job, and you begin to wonder how he hasn't starved to death, because he's so bad at manipulating people that it makes me cringe. Because of his utter failure to convince the unstoppable boxing woman, Kat, to fight for him so he can hustle motherfuckers out of their ca$h (CUZ WHO WOULD BET ON A WOMAN, AMIRITE?) he decides to have her arrested.

After bailing her out of jail, he manages to convince her to join him on his journey through this super-duper-secret underground boxing thing. However, where Dublin goes, people hate him, which makes you wonder if he's pissed off everyone in the whole world. The answer is yes, and it's because he's an asshole. Katherine hates him too, but she wants to get money, so she can take it home to her parents who kicked her out for being a lesbian.

Then, the rest of the movie shows Kat getting her face pulverized and beating up a string of totally incompetent boxers, that just throw tons of haymakers that she easily ducks away from. Of course, she beats them all. Then more stuff happens, but it's mostly filler and Dublin being a dick to Kat and everyone else possible. This, compounded with the fact that Dublin has no problem with Kat getting her face obliterated throughout the whole movie to make him money makes the audience (me) kind of not really care much about him. Unfortunately, the movie is about him, and not her, so we get to poke into the background of Dublin and see where this idiotic con-man came from. As it turns out, his family is pretty nice, and he just inexplicably decided to become a complete asshole, then run away from his hometown because they had enough of his bullshit. Eventually, even Katherine decides to kick his ass and give him a good old-fashioned beating on the side of the highway. For that, Kat, you are truly the hero of this movie. My only regret is that she let him live, because later in the movie, Dublin is blackmailed into having Kat throw a fight.

So, being the complete douchenozzle that he is, Dublin drugs Katherine so she gets her ass kicked, and she's carried off to the hospital in a stretcher. Good going, dude. 

But that's when the movie got so cheesy and cliche that it somehow got even worse. Dublin decides to blackmail the evil guy who blackmailed him. Normally, when you do this, the evil person just kills you, and then you're dead and that's the end. But no, the evil guy decides to generously give Kat another chance to fight, and decides to take her on himself.

Then, Dublin visits Kat in the hospital. Even though she supposedly got beaten silly, the make-up department of the movie decided to leave Kat's eyes, nose and mouth completely intact. So, Kat's whole face is covered in bruises, except for her eyes, nose and mouth. If that doesn't take you out of a movie, nothing will. I mean, her nose was white. Her eyes were wide open, and there wasn't so much as a tiny scratch on her lips. This wouldn't be that bad except later in the movie, she's shown to have a bruised eye that renders her eye swollen shut. So what the fuck, director-guy!? You thought I wouldn't notice!?

Then, there is a cliche final boss battle, where the evil guy doesn't play fair and sucker-punches Kat in the back of the head after the bell rings. Naturally, Kat comes back and knocks him the fuck out, but not before the most retarded moments in the movie, where Dublin suddenly acts like he knows how to box. "Throw that left jab to throw him off, then throw that right." he says, citing that it was used in a fight in 1973. That's like boxing 101. Way to go, genius. Cliche dialogue for the fucking lose. And think about it: how the fuck is that advice even useful? He's talking about a boxing match that happened 40 years ago between two different people who were fighting in the same weight class, whereas Kat just fights guys who are 100 pounds heavier than her, and knocks them out easily. Nevertheless, Kat replies "You suddenly sound like you know what you're talking about." NO HE DOESN'T. IT WAS STUPID GARBAGE DIALOGUE. Even "You can do this. I believe in you." would've been better. 

And how were the evil guy's goons able to subdue Kat earlier in the movie? Isn't she like, unstoppable? Well, okay, maybe not. But how in fuck's name did Dublin get into the building, enter the room they were in, grab a chair, and hit one of the goons without being noticed? And then, why did he stop after hitting one goon to say "Get off my fighter!" instead of just clobbering the other goon as well? 

And when cars break down in movies, why do the characters always get out, pop the hood open, see a bunch of smoke and say "That doesn't look good."?

And why did Speedy have such a bad aim? Why did he shoot the hood of the car instead of the windshield? WHY? 

And WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY SINGLE SHOT A CLOSE-UP!? I felt like my personal space was being invaded while watching a movie. How is that even possible!? Here's a piece of advice: pull the camera back several million feet. 

Nothing in this movie makes sense, the dialogue is really fucking bad, the main characters are both thoroughly unlikeable, because one is a bitch, and the other is an insufferable asshole of epic proportions to the point where you're praying for his death throughout most of the movie, and finally, the ending is beyond bad and totally cliche bullshit. 

I give this movie -8 stars out of 5, and have been inspired to invent a time machine so that I can warn myself in the past not to watch this.

Warning: This post may contain spoilers, so if you don't want spoilers, don't read anything above.

2010: A Look Backwards

2010 was an amazing year.

Amazingly bad. I can't wait for 2012 to get here so we can meet the Lizard-People of Planet X. This year was boring as Hell. Once again, the truth about extraterrestrial life was not revealed, even with Wikileaks and President Obama's pledge for government transparency. I know we can't be the only forms of intelligent life in the universe, because if we were, how did Stone Henge happen? Case closed. I know some people might say that the odds of life evolving from simple cell organisms into advanced civilizations capable of intergalactic travel are like a trillion to one, I always tell them that it's also extremely unlikely that a person would be attacked by a grizzly bear and a polar bear on the same day, but that happens all the time.

Furthermore, Alison Angel's wikipedia page was deleted by Jimmy Wales. He personally went to the Alison Angel page and hit "delete" because he was raging because that Fox News girl dumped him after selling his dick pix to Glenn Beck. Then Jimmy Wales has the GALL to post:

PLEASE READ: AN URGENT APPEAL FROM WIKIPEDIA FOUNDER JIMMY WALES

Readers of Wikimedia, I need 16 million dollars.

I understand that this is a large sum of money, but this Porsche isn't going to pay for itself, unless of course, I find an entrance to an alternative reality in my coat closet in which cars can come to life and work for their masters working in the barley fields.

If everyone just donated a little bit of money, maybe 5, 10, 25, 50, 100, 200, 500, 8000, 1000000 dollars, then that would be just dandy. Remember, Wikipedia is made up of unpaid and undocumented workers, and our servers are dirt cheap to maintain, but I still need a massive sum of money for some unexplained reason.

When I started Wikipedia, I was inspired by Maddox (Whose page I read frequently) not to put ads on Wikipedia, which created a dilemma of how I was going to pay off my gambling debt owed to dangerous Yakuza leaders.

It's not that I think commerce is bad, and that advertising is evil, I just think it's really annoying, especially those "kill the spider" ads, where I try to kill the spider, but then it clicks me into a window that says I can win 10 lbs of free lobster if I fill out a form, because then I fill out the form, and then it takes me to another form and I never get any lobster.

Wikipedia is something special. It is a saint-like ivory tower of information, supplying unbelievably accurate and reliable information to poor and impoverished third-world children who spend nights awake because they don't know who the lead singer of Seven Dust is, or the size of Zambia's air force, or whatever. What we do makes the world a better place, which makes Wikipedia something you are morally obligated to support.

So do it.

To avoid posting ads on our beautiful website, send us da money. Because Wikipedia was created by a community of hard-working individuals, they should also not only work hard on providing excellent information, but should also pay to do it. Specifically, they should pay me for the privilege of editing my website. This year, please consider making a donation, and if you don't want to, then don't be surprised if The Good Lord sends mudslides and locusts unto you.

Hm, here's my answer to that:

Dear Jimmy Wales,

Yo, Jimmy, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy, I heard your girlfriend's pregnant, how far along is she? Yo, I really meant to donate some bread, but then I read some of the shit you said. Something on your website about needing cash, and I was about to send some shit, but thought that might be a bit rash. I thought to myself that this money would be better spent on me, and that I could still continue to surf Wikipedia for free. I know you'll forgive me because you're a nice guy and not a prick, because some people who demand donations can end up behaving like a stupid dick, in fact, I heard this one news story a couple weeks ago that just made me sick... this dude asks for mils from his fans and used the money to take a vacation to China and have sex with reporters from Fox News, and then he fell off a cliff, but left a message to his readers but it didn't really say who it was to... come to think of it...

his name was you.

damn.


The big story this year, of course, is that Falstad Wildhammer is alive. I know, it seemed that he was certainly dead, but then we all watched in awe, reminiscent of when Baby Jessica was lifted from the well, as we all clutched our living room sofas, eyes locked onto the liquid-crystal pixels of our gigantic flat-screen televisions as we remembered the fragility of life, but then were moved to tears at the miraculous miracle we witnessed unfolding before our cynically Thomas-the-disciple-like unbelieving eyes. Not only did Falstad Wildhammer survive the Day of The Dragon, but he went on to become the leader of Aerie Peak and Vanilla Wow through Wrath of The Lich King.

-turns to the other camera-

Yes, Mr. President, you characteristically made implausibly unrealistic promises that piqued the inner-optimist hiding in the metaphorical closet in our minds, which you subsequently failed to deliver like a lethargic Pizza-delivery minion, whose vehicular mode of transportation encountered a single thumb-tack of utter disruption, ergo, releasing the necessary and vital air pressure that allows the tires to fulfill their sacred duty of facilitating the internal-combustion-engine-powered carriage's mobility, thus disrupting the delivery of that age-old Italian dish that tantalizes our taste buds, and fills our dreams with wonder, as his once-reliable truck careened violently into an anti-serendipitously-placed ditch, and then off a cliff, and exploded into a mushroom cloud upon making the sickening impact with the bottom.

-turn to the other camera-

The other big news story, that everyone talked about was that gosh darn weather, eh.















Look at that... knocked that tree straight down. Pretty crazy. Me neighbors said they had a bunch of branches in their yard, and I believe it. Me cousin Patty heard the wind and says to me "Aye, it's a bit windy, eh?" and I says to 'er "Aye, it is for sure."

This event will no doubt be recorded as one of the most infamous events in human history.


In closing, 2010 changed us all, but it also changed a digit on a giant arbitrary measurement of time which may be off because the Gregorian Calendar was written by the uneducated peasants of the Dark Ages. They simply did not want to have their head cut off by their Baron, and they had a very weak understanding astrophysical mathematics. Anyhow, this year, we all looked deep inside of ourselves for understanding, and courage. We did things that we did not think we could do. We laughed, we cried, we were afraid, and we endured. We made mistakes and learned, and overcame obstacles. Most importantly, though, we did a lot of general human behavior, which I've briefly summarized here.

Goodnight, and good luck.

"Normal" Picture Of Lady GaGa; I Hate Myspace

This is Lady GaGa before The Fame overtook her. They say that fame changes people, and I guess they mean that literally.



I know I just posted a bunch of GaGa pics, but I'm not obsessed. Really. I mean, I know, last night I had a dream where Alison Angel and I were making out in the middle of the highway, and I was like "Oh, Stefani..." and she was all, like "Stefani!? You cad!" and slapped me with a white glove and then stormed off. Suddenly, I saw Lady GaGa standing there with her meat dress on, and we started getting romantic and I started eating the meat off of her. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily, and realized it was just a dream and was all "Oh, phew. Close one."

But then I made the biggest mistake of my life: I went back to sleep. I had another dream where I was watching a really super unfunny Olivia Munn segment on The Daily Show, when out of the blue, Lady GaGa came out of nowhere and kicks Olivia Munn into a giant creme pie and then grabs a mic and starts singing "Just Dance" and all these robots were dancing and I started eating the robots because I realized they were made out of meat. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily. My heart was racing. I got out of bed to splash some cold water on my face. Then I looked up at the mirror of my bathroom, and suddenly, I saw the reflection of Lady GaGa standing behind me. I woke up again, from that dream-within-a-dream scenario and was awake for reals this time.

So, today, I listened to nothing but Death Metal and Gangster Rap, so that I would be able to sleep without having those haunting images in my mind.

I also logged onto Myspace today, and of course, once again, they completely changed the user interface and site layout for no reason. To my knowledge, killing the brand-name familiarity of your website is probably is not going to increase the number of users, although, probably nothing is going bring Myspace back, not even Justin Timberlake. It's mostly a matter of one social network passing the torch onto the next one, which has happened before, and probably will happen again when someone does the obvious and invents a site like Facebook, but just far less annoying.

Speaking of Facebook, my mom is on Facebook, and she went through my "Likes", and didn't like that I liked Lady GaGa. Sure, Eminem is okay, but Lady GaGa is unacceptable. Anyhow, that's where my Lady GaGa obsession began, because in order to rebel against my parents, I have to listen to lots and lots of Lady GaGa songs.

Also, as a bonus picture... In my last post, I mentioned that there is a mouse with a human ear on it's back. Now mind you, this is real. I wanted to post a picture of it, but the pictures were kinda nazzzty, so I found a very sexy picture of the mouse-with-human-ear, being held by a naked woman, so enjoy: