Madonna To Suck A Million Dicks

If you're a male, Madonna wants your cum in her mouth!

JCG 2016 Election Coverage -- Last Thursday, Madonna "Madonna" Madonna put forth a tantalizing offer for every male who ever wanted to receive fellatio from a 60-year-old pop star with a fake English accent: To suck the dick of every man who would vote for Hillary Clinton. So far, millions of American males have signed up to have their genitals slurped by the aging Kabbala enthusiast in exchange for their allegiance to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. As of yet, it is not clear why Madonna has put forth this proposition, and the perplexing contingency is not lost on the receivers of the head. 

Stephen Banker, a 36-year-old attorney from Arkansas, spoke to JCG while waiting in the miles-long line to have his phallus engaged orally by the Material Girl herself. "I don't know why she wants to suck my dick." Banker said, adding, "I think a presidential candidate should be chosen on the merit of their policies, not for sexual reasons, but hey - head is head." Banker's wife, Hanna Banker, was initially upset with her husband for going to Madonna, but has come around, evidently. "Stephen has always wanted to get his dick sucked by Madonna," Mrs. Banker explained, "And I don't like Donald Trump, so this will get him to vote for Hillary, so our votes won't just cancel each other out, and this just kind of works."

Other men weren't so lucky. James Westville, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, left his long-time girlfriend of 20 years to plug Madonna's mouth-hole with his member. "I loved [my girlfriend]," Westville explained, "But this is Madonna we're talking about. I can't pass this opportunity to get my dick between her lips. She may be old now, but that just means she has experience."

According to Madonna's publicist, Madonna has trained hard to prepare for the onslaught of cocks that would be cumming her way in lieu of her offer. She is reported to have done 100 tongue-push-ups per day, and has an IV attached to her arm to keep her body hydrated and prevent chafing on the interior of her mouth. She will not eat for the next 16 days, at least, not a conventional meal. Human sperm is high in protein and essential nutrients, and she will be using the high vitality of a semen-based diet to maintain her stamina. 

We, of course, wish her the best in her mission!

Naked Hillary Statue: WHY!?

Pictured above is the disrespectful "art" being put on display.

I really can't believe I'm saying this: this election just got weirder. I mean, I know people are passionate about politics, but there are some lines that just should not be crossed. I'm talking about a horribly sexist statue of Hillary Clinton, a former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State, and candidate for President of The United States, completely unclothed. I wanted to think that we, as a nation, could afford woman of this stature some dignity, but for the mystery artist, disrespect seems to be the order of the day.

I've presented a picture (above) to show what the statue looks like, but have it blurred out of respect to both my readers and for myself. Despite the gossip-y nature of this publication, we have some pride, and aren't going to show a presidential candidate in the nude for cheap clicks or cheap laughs. I would imagine, somewhere, The Right is chuckling about this tasteless joke. Who finds this funny, though? I, for one, sure do not. Laughing at the anatomy of another human being shows a lack of basic empathy and a taste for cruelty. I know we as people can be unbelievably cruel to each other at times, but I think we need to make a concerted effort to rise above our instinct to insult.

This is not the kind of thing I would want my kids to see in public, either. The audacious indecency of the artist to think placing this in public would warrant an apology normally -- if we knew who the hell did this!

To whoever made this: You should apologize to Hillary Clinton, and stop putting these up. Thank you.

Why Brad and Angelina Got Divorced: "Having a White Baby Traumatized Me"

It's not official until I say it's official, so now I'm saying it's official: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are done; stick a fork in it. After betraying Jennifer Aniston in 2005 by divorcing her and saying, "I think we should just be... FRIENDS." then being seduced by Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, sweet delicious karma has struck again like the bitch she is, and has said ixnay on the arriagenay. The couples' lives were closely followed by the savage paparazzi, some of whom are actual cannibals that eat human beings. Under the scrutiny of cameras and bloggers, we followed this whirlwind romance from beginning to end, wondering if it would persevere like Billary (Bill and Hillary Clinton mixed, for their strength in magic) or if Brad Pitt would get involved in a weird alien cult like Tom Cruise and force Angelina (who is Katie Holmes [or vice-versa?] in this metaphor) to abide by a made-up religion by a science fiction writer when the whole thing is obviously a huge pile of bullshit.

And by that, I mean Scientology is bullshit. Go ahead, pull my google adsense money OH WAIT I DON'T HAVE ANY. Lick my colossal veiny genitals, you E.T.-fuckers.

Uh.

Why did Hollywood's dynamic duo split, though? After years of blissful marriage, the couple has had many ups and downs. But why? Was it Brad Pitt's propensity to savagely beat Angelina with a wrench? No, ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you a much different account of events. In 2034 or some shit, Angelina Jolie went to Thailand or Cambodia or one of those countries, and adopted Maddox, which is his actual native name. Maddox was beloved by the public and he went on to start "The Best Page In The Universe" on the internet, which now has a Youtube channel, and exclusive t-shirts, not that I'm shilling or anything. I'm just stating facts.

Then Jolie adopted another Chinese kid, and then adopted a black as a child. I mean a negroid child. I'm serious. I mean, I'm not joking. I'm not trying to be racist. I wish I were allowed to use the 'delete' key on my keyboard, and then I wouldn't have to type out embarrassing faux pas such as that. My boss says "No. We want only the rawest, most visceral content on JCG even if it exposes your secret racism and the fact that you're actually a homosexual and need to just admit it and stop lying to yourself. Why are you not married yet? Where's your girlfriend, hm?" and I stick to that mantra even though I'm seriously wondering what would happen if I ever made a typo.

Going back to the story -- the real story here -- according to an ex-bodyguard for the couple, once Angelina Jolie had a white baby with Brad Pitt, she 'felt betrayed'. According to multiple sources close to Jolie, she was severely disappointed that Brad Pitt's sperm produced a caucasian baby and she couldn't handle it. She began channeling her anger into portraits of bowls of fruit, which she painted with acrylic paints, and doing yoga. Over time, her obsession spiraled out of control, and her house was covered in canvases and she was so flexible that she could bend backwards and lick her own pussy on the front-side. Disturbed by Jolie's behavior, Brad Pitt took the kids and stayed at a shelter because he didn't feel safe around her any longer. Enraged by Brad's actions, Angelina went to one of the most exclusive clubs in LA and danced her anger out on the dance floor, and her moves were sensational. Then she took a bunch of pills and washed them down with UV's quesadilla-flavored vodka. Loaded full of drugs and righteous anger, she went home and threw all of Brad's belongings out on the lawn in the rain. When she woke up the next morning, she realized she accidentally went to a stranger's house and threw some random person's belongings out on their front lawn.

The 911 transcript that we obtained through abhorrent and shameful sexual favors reads thusly:

911: Hello, what is your emergency?

Caller [who wants to remain anonymous]: Oh god, help me!

911: Calm down, ma'am. Please tell me what's going on.

Caller: Angelina Jolie is in my house! Oh my god!

911: That's not an emergency. Please don't-

Caller: She's throwing my stuff out of my house! I don't know why she's doing this! NOT THE VASE. THAT HAS MY FATHER'S ASHES! [faint sound of shattering in the background]

Truly horrific. So Brad was like, "I'm outtie. Here, tell these people something they don't know about me." and tossed a microphone into Angelina Jolie's hands. Everyone in the shelter jeered loudly, breaking the awkward silence around Brad's rule-breaking acapella verse. Later on, little Knox Leon (the pale-faced baby) asked his mother, Angelina, "Did you and daddy break up because of me?" sadly. "Yes son." Angelina answered lovingly. They both smiled and Angelina poked his nose. He giggled playfully. "You're so silly, mommy." Knox Leon said.

Ariana Grande Hates America

"May the United States burn in hell" - Ariana Grande

Pop-star, singer, songwriter, movie star. These are just a few words that describe the incredibly talented and beautiful artist in Ariana Grande. However, when it comes to the land of the free, she has some choice words for America, the beautiful. "Fuck America.", Ariana said in an interview with Misinformation Weekly, "This whole country is trash. It's garbage. I hate all of these disgusting people around me, I hate apple pie, and I hate that goddamn flag."

Critics of Ms. Grande have been cited as being 'offended', and one stated that if she disliked living in the United States so pointedly, that she should "just get the fuck out". Grande scoffed at such a proposition, replying, "Wow, you little fuckers. You don't know me. You don't know my life. I will go ham on your lilly asses. You do not want to see me ascend to my final form and vaporize you. I will throw my fucking chicken McNuggets at you, and if I see you in the streets, I'm slapping the shit out of you."

A spokesperson for Ariana Grande gave a much more muted statement, saying,

"While we understand that some people may be upset by Ms. Grande's words, keep in mind that she has every right to her opinion, and you should respect that. You should also know that she's extremely talented, beautiful, and a great singer, and you're just jealous of her. It's jealous people like you that make the world a horrible place. I hope you drown in shit."

Ariana Grande's fans gave a mixed reaction to Ariana's words:

"What the fuck is this article, this is a fucking lie, take this page down if you're going to lie." - Stacy Hillberg, Colorado Springs, CO

"Ariana did NOT ever say that. She only said she hates how Americans are for being so out-of-control with the amount of junk food they consume and she APOLOGIZED for that, so get over it, you asshole. Ugh, you're the kind of person that makes me hate people." - Alice Hernandez, Colorado Springs, CO

"Uhhhh, no? This didn't happen? You can't just make shit up on the internet. That's pathetic. I bet you're a bald, fat, 40-year-old virgin that lives in your mom's basement. You have nothing in life and that's why you're willing to sit down and TALK SHIT about Ariana." - Fillipe Articuno, Colorado Springs, CO

"Delete your blog." - Jenelle Jackson, Colorado Springs, CO

"wtf ur soooo retarded ariana never said that!!! i wish ppl like u would go away forever!!! this seriously makes me want to cry with how mean ppl are in the world!!!" - Jacob Haroldsmann, Colorado Springs, CO

"Why didn't they let me play Donald Trump? Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression is garbage compared to mine. Bitch move, SNL." - Darrell Hammond, Colorado Springs, CO

"This is fucking hilarious! You made my day, dude! :D" - Erin Pearson, Colorado Springs, CO