The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Chick-Fil-A Hates Fags

 

 Hi bitches! :D

Step aside, Fred Phelps. There is a new face of homophobia and fiery condemnation: Chick-Fil-A. Now, I personally boycotted Chick-Fil-A years ago on the basis that their food gives me diarrhea. I personally believe that people are created equal, and that they at Chick-Fil-A should produce food for both those who have weak stomachs, and those who can ingest massive amounts of despicable vile fast food trash like it's nothing. I know Chick-Fil-A reads my blog, so when you do, heed this: stop making food that gives me diarrhea.

Despite my personal bitter vendetta against a fast-food chain, there is another battle brewing: Chick-Fil-A vs Gays. Yeah. Chick-Fil-A has decided to piss on the LGBT community, but their piss is made of frying oil. In response, our nation has decided to do the right thing; stop eating shitty fast food... or at least, at this one franchise. And of course, with every boycott, you have to have one last sandwich before you say goodbye forever. Okay, two more sandwiches, and that's it. Well, a third one can't hurt either... but then that's IT. I might eat a fourth sandwich there, but then it's over, Chick-Fil-A. Fuck you. You're a bunch of hypocrites. You make chicken sandwiches every day, and do you know what that means? You handle a lot of cocks every day.

But okay, as an objective and totally real journalist (I can call myself that because I have an online blog; sup, cable news anchors) I can see that Chick-Fil-A is just doing what their dear leader feels is right. After all, he wants to follow God and not fall short in sin by endorsing

Oh. That. Chick-Fil-A totally is not responsible for this! It's some outside independent individual who loves Chick-Fil-A, hates gay people, has Facebook, has a lot of time on his hands, and knows how to orchestrate a social media blitz in a matter of days at their whim for personal reasons. John Edward could have even done it, but then again, he's often quite busy having sex with various women while his wife lies in a hospital bed, dying of cancer. Mike Huckabee is too busy jamming on the bass guitar with popular musical artists, such as Alter Bridge and Lady GaGa or some shit, though. Geez though. There are 7 billion people in the world, and although many of them do not have computers or internet access, or shoes, running water, electricity, peace, health, food, homes, jobs, or those special cheese-cutting utensils, one of them still coulda dun it, because in these tough times around the world, you never know who is going to get involved in a fast-food-chain-political-position scandal thingy.