This is the skyline of the once-great New York City, NY, just days after the release of Judd Apatow's The Interview, which prompted a full-scale nuclear war, killing millions. Minutes after the opening scenes of the movie in theaters, North Korea launched a barrage of intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads. The Pentagon was phoned by Strategic Air Command and informed of the launch, prompting President Obama to become the first president since Harry S. Truman to launch a nuclear strike. Within hours, a nuclear exchange had occurred and now the nation mourns the loss of many of our major cities, which were instantly obliterated by a toxic mix of totalitarianism and nuclear fission. Badly burned survivors, however, held onto their spirits, with one man, with 3rd-degree burns over 90% of his body and effectively no skin saying, "Would I do it again? Hell yeah. I wasn't going to let some fat Asian dictator from letting me seeing the latest Seth Rogan and James Franco bromance."
A 37-year-old woman from the recently destroyed city of Chicago, who lost all three of her children during the attack echoed the sentiments of the other victims, saying, "This shows that America does not back down from releasing comedy films. If I survive this radiation poisoning, I'm going to watch the movie two or three more times tomorrow. I think it's what my kids would've wanted."
When asked for a comment, Judd Apatow simply said, "We had to do this out of principle. If we can't even release movies that ridicule other nations' leaders and then brutally murder them on screen, what's next? A rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare. I, for one, am glad Sony did not back down even though the Japanese-based company had the most to lose by having their homeland under the constant threat of nuclear assault."
The movie, The Interview, starring Seth Rogan and James Franco revolves around the story of Seth Rogan and James Franco laughing a lot and doing lots of borderline homosexual things in the context of a spy-thriller in a contemporary world where there is no legitimate enemy for the United States, seeing as how the Soviet Union is gone and Osama bin Laden is dead. Rogan, in an interview, stated, "Well, the U.S. basically has to go back to square one in terms of enemies. Osama's dead, the Soviet Union has collapsed and the Russia of today is in a perpetual recession, that Libyan guy is gone, Saddam is gone, that Serbian guy is gone, the Venezuelan guy died, so what's left? Vietnam 2? North Korea is an obvious choice, honestly. We know we can kick their ass, but to be perfectly honest, they're just kind of 'there', so why not?" Later, the actor tweeted that he was high when he gave that answer, and to not take it too seriously.
Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un, from the rubble of Pyongyang, declared "We have once again triumphed over imperialism, capitalism, the west, and comedy cinema." to a volleyball he has named 'Wilson', as a majority of his followers are now burning corpses. His declaration was heard by exactly no one because the only radio tower was bombed into rubble, instantly blacking out every radio and television. Nevertheless, the defiant leader continues to insist he is in control of a vibrant nation, giving orders to burnt skeletons, and to military units that have ceased to exist. In fact, the standing strength of North Korea's armed forces stands at a meager three soldiers, who are hiding under a burning tank, wielding bayonets and are refusing to come out and surrender. When western journalists initially approached, the soldiers threatened to shoot, until it became painfully obvious that they had no bullets left, and only then they agreed to give a short statement, declaring, "We are prepared to fight to the end for our dear leader, and the capitalist dog Judd Apatow. We condemn Seth Rogan and James Franco's bromance, because it's getting kind of weird now, kind of like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. We will not stop fighting until every copy of The Interview has been scorched in the furnaces of our fury."
There is no word yet on whether or not they realize that destroying hard copies of the movie won't eliminate file-sharing capabilities that makes it fucking impossible to erase any memory of its existence.
