Charlie Is Dead; Kate Still Alive

Yes.

Charlie Sheen's character, "Charlie" died and his ashes were vacuumed up by a hoover vacuum. Much to my dismay, he is still alive in real life. That may sound really incredibly cruel, but I have an excellent reason for being vindictive about his very existence: I am really jealous of him. I wish I could wake up in the morning and go on a show where I play a character exactly like myself with the same name as myself. Well, actually, he doesn't do that anymore, as of today. Kind of a bummer, actually. It's kind of like a great rival of mine has fallen before he even knew I was attempting to rival him. Now the rivalry is in limbo thanks to Charlie Sheen dying on his show which is exactly like... OMG IS HE GOING TO DIE IN REAL LIFE?

Coincidentally,















Kate Gosselin has announced that her hit show, Jon and Kate plus Eight, will be discontinued. That show really went downhill when the writers decided to kill off Jon, and then bring him back to life miraculously in the next season. I was like "Wait, he definitely died. We saw his dead body at the end of last season. This is stupid." and he just waltz onto the screen and goes "I'm alive, Kate." like it's no big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I don't know what Kate is going to do next, but for everyone who says she has a smoking body, consider this: imagine what her vagina looks like after pumping out eight children. Having sex with her is probably jumping onto a tire swing while being completely nude. What will the neighbors think?

As for the eight, there is no word yet whether or not anyone cares about them.

ENCYCLOPEDIADRAMATICA DEAD!?

Oh, lulz, what hath ye wrought?


Today, I was horrified when I tried to go the website known as Encyclopediadramatica.com, and was redirected to some random vomit-inducing version that wallows in the manure of political correctness. When did we come to the stipulation that being off-the-wall offensive and unreadable was no longer going to be supported? When did ED go from being absolutely decadent to absolutely decedent?

I wish I could produce a touching montage of all the moments ED and I shared throughout the years, because yes, while growing out my neckbeard and sitting in my mom's basement, growing jabba-like on hot pockets, in between bouts of completely unprovoked trolling on poor innocent souls, I would gander at the beautifully scripted and angelically poetic writings of all those who contributed to what can only be described as a "clusterfuck of wtf and stfu faggot", I laughed. I laughed at all the jokes. I, for one, was touched (inappropriately) by this now-deceased bastion of trolling goodness, and it brings a black emo tear down the side of my milk-white face. Even as I type these horrifically tragic words onto my world-famous blog that everyone reads, I am blasting Hawthorne Heights, and looking apathetically at my bleeding wrists, which I cut with a razor. It's the only way I can feel anything anymore.

From ED, I learned many things about myself. I learned that misanthropy can be hilarious. I learned that Long-Cat is really long. I learned that drawing pictures of half-snake half-human people who are part male and part female and then crying about how no one understands your artwork is nuts. I learned that by taking Computer Science III, I can shut down any website in the world whenever I want. I learned that Harry Potter and his friends are actually gothic kids who are constantly going to muggle concerts. Most importantly, I learned that reciting memes to people doesn't make you cool or funny. Only funniness is funny, and memeiness is akin to fagginess. Now, as brutal as that may sound, I want to be clear: I am not being homophobic by saying "fag". When I say "fag", I am always referring specifically to the English slang for a cigarette. So if I say, for example, "Stop being a fag", I mean "Stop being a cigarette". Confusing? Good. So be reciting memes in chatrooms/omegle, you are not being clever or funny. It is like smoking cigarettes all day, but instead of destorying* your lungs, you're destorying your SOUL.


*note: "destorying" is not a typo. Destorying refers to the act of destroying something so bad that you literally erase it from history, i.e., annihilating it's very story.