Hot Celebrity Fitness Tips

YOU WILL BE DEAD.

Listen, kid. The glamor and glitz of celebz' lives come with a price: the promise by the public that if celebrities do not eat radioactive waste and shit perfection, their careers will be flushed down the toilet like a smashed spider in a kleenex. This means that physical fitness is just a part of everyday life for a hot hot celeb. But what are the secrets of the stars that help them stay so fit? I've got the scoop on that.

Here are some of their snippets of wisdom:

"Do steroids." - 50 Cent

"Do a lot of steroids." - Ryan Braun

"Do so many steroids that it's insane." - Jose Canseco

"Start every day with steroids." - Carrot Top

"I have an autistic son, and I am a brave, brave single mother." - Jenny McCarthy

"To keep myself in shape, I eat a lot of vegetables and stuff." - Katy Perry

"Where the hell am I? What's going on?" - Russell Brand

"I eat a lot of bamboo." - Lady GaGa, dressed up as a panda

"QUIT YOUR CRYING, GET ON THE TREADMILL AND GO. STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY AND GIVING ME SHIT. YOU'RE HERE TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE, AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT WORKING OUT, I WILL INCINERATE YOUR BODY IN THE FURY OF MY RAGE AND PUNT YOUR SOUL INTO THE DARKEST CREVICE OF HELL AND KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY." - Jillian Michaels

"Break Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap!" - Tonya Harding

"Be active for 30 minutes every day. Get your family involved and make it fun!" - Michelle Obama






















but, Michelle, my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is in jail for...

"GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED AND MAKE IT FUN." - Michelle Obama

Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and Justin Timberlake leak nude pics! SCANDAL!!!!!

Well, it's that time of year again: the days are getting shorter, the leaves are turning golden, and celebrities are leaking naked pictures of themselves "by accident". When I heard Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and JT all dropped nude pics all over the web, I was all over that action. I did extensive research to find the said pictures, but alas, my pursuit was in vain. I manage to find this picture of Scarlett Johansson's butt, which I cleverly pixelated to censor the part of her butt which is unfit for the eyes of... uhm... I'm going to say "the children". No worries, it's okay to talk about about naked celebrities, as long as we don't actually show them. I also saw that picture of Mila Kunis flashing her boobs from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I almost forgot about after being traumatized by seeing Jason Segel's penis several dozen times. I had to go to therapy for that. I didn't look for Justin Timberlake's nude pictures, cuz I ain't gay. But seriously, I hate when celebrities leak their nude pictures, and I can't find them, or they just suck. The only good one I ever saw was the alleged nude Katy Perry picture, and nobody knows if it's her because she doesn't have her make-up on. But rest assured, if any decent nude celebrity pictures emerge, I will capture them like Pokemon and force them to battle in an arena of death until one remains victorious, standing atop the dead nude bodies of it's opponents.

This reminds me. Recently, Lady GaGa accidentally flashed her tits during a red carpet event. For anyone else, this would be career-killing. But she just brushed it off, lifted her top back up, and kept posing, LIKE A BOSS. How kick-ass is that?