Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's Relationship in SHAMBLES

It's over. America's most beloved couple, Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson, both co-stars in the hit comedy Twilight, broke up. According to anonymous sources, they really didn't care for each other to begin with, and Kristen found some tramp's panties in Robert's dressing room. Both were reluctant to speak out, with Robert saying, quote, "I don't think everyone needs to know what happens at every moment in our private lives. Suffice to say, relationships are difficult, and sometimes, they just don't work out. I apologize to no one because I'm not really sorry."

Kristen was even more reticent, only sighing and frowning before finally saying, "He thought Wookiees came from Endor, but they come from Kashyyyk. Ewoks come from Endor. I know they're both furry, but they're not the same thing. Also, he wanted to knife-fuck me, and I draw the line at being maimed during sex."

Fans across the nation were broken-hearted, but sources say that there is a high possibility that they will "get over it".

Inside Kristen and Robert's Amazing Relationship

What's the secret to Twilight co-stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's fairy-tale relationship? Fans around the world look to this couple's relationship for inspiration, and vicariously share in their happiness as they strut down the red carpets, holding hands and smiling, almost beyond their own control, as the love unspoken seeks to escape their mouths, much like the warm flood of vomit after eating my Grandma's infamous cheesy potato recipe. However, in Hollywood, relationships seem to crack under brutal tabloid pressure like taking a package of graham crackers and crushing them in your mighty fist. 

When asked how the relationship is holding up so well in a tumultuous and fast-paced tinseltown atmosphere, both answered quite differently, but both had amazing advice. Kristen, when asked about Robert, she smiled gleefully and said, "He's so sweet. He's just... really sweet. Every time I want to get into a car, he opens the door before I can, so I don't have to undergo the rigors of moving my arm to open the door myself. He's just sweet like that. When he looks at you, you feel like you're standing under a waterfall of liquid sugar because of how sweet he is."

Robert laughed and added, "There's a lot more to this than just me. I mean, I think I just try my best to be a gentleman. Kristen is amazing. She spreads her legs more than any other slut I've ever fucked. Like, at least five or six times a day, you can be sure to find us fucking, and I don't think there is a surface in either of our houses that we have not fucked on top of. She loves sucking my dick and me cumming all over her face, and she's not afraid to take it in the ass. We love watching really raunchy pornography together and then getting out the sadomasochist leather bondage gear, because we both find intense pain to be incredibly erotic. That's probably why we constantly are wearing bandages, because at least one of us walks away from the ordeal bleeding and sobbing hysterically. I love her." Afterwards, they shared a small kiss and headed off, hand in hand, the perfect Hollywood couple.

Kristen and Robert's Tension Rise; Team Edward Loses Ground

Word has it that America's least-beloved couple, Kristin Stewart, who is incapable of human emotions other than "boredom" and "disgust", and Robert Patterson, who is some random white kid, have a whirlwind romance that is on the rocks. The couple reportedly "doesn't give a shit", much to the dismay of Twilight, in which both Stewart and Patterson are actors. That's right. The whole damn series as an entity is upset about this. DVDs are suddenly developing consciousness, and anthropomorphic mouths that have communicated to the public and to our news sources that they want "Those two to just work things out." A poster for the latest Twilight movie (I don't know what it's called, but it's probably something like "Solar Equinox" or "Quarter Moon") reportedly came to life momentarily, and the image of Bella Swan, an unpopular character from the series played by Kristin Stewart, shed a single tear of what can only be described as "contrived sadness". 

This news of a rift between Kristin Stewart and Edward Cullen Robert Patterson has come as great news to Team Jacob, a group of Lycan-supporting zealots who seek to see Kristin Stewart's Bella Swan fall in love with a certain werewolf named Jacob. I hate to editorialize at times like these, but I personally think werewolves are like, awesome, because they're wolfs. All Edward does is turn into a bat at night, and uses his supersonic echo-radar to hunt insects, whereas Jacob turns into a wolf and eats elk, wild boars and even his own body and then saying "Chaos... REIGNS" to Willem DaFoe right before his evil wife smashes his nuts with a sledgehammer. That's pretty awesome right there. All I can say is this: do not despair, citizens of America. The power of love never prevails in Hollywood, which is a bottomless pit of soul-sucking godlessness that has a never-ending unquenchable thirst for ruining relationships. Personally, I blame Obama.

(Picture by some website, but I cannot read the damn watermark because it's too small and the letters are all garbled, so thanks to them.)