Khloe Kardashian Refuses To Have Talent

Khloe Kardashian (seen above) is famous for being the sister of a girl who starred in a homemade porno video whose parents were involved in the OJ Simpson trial.

It's hard to keep up with the.... NO I'M NOT USING THAT PLAY ON WORDS. YOU CAN'T PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THAT SHIT. After a reality show, radio show, singing career, hosting a television show, Khloe Kardashian is facing a unique set of problems: She isn't Kim or Kourtney, and the entertainment industry requires talent, which Khloe lacks. She just appears to be a glorified homeless person in the Hollywood scene, begging for gigs. No, hold on. That wasn't mean enough. She's like a slut who seems to be willing to suck any floppy old dick just to keep her pathetic existence vaguely on the radar of America. 

Hm, that still wasn't mean enough. Okay, let's try this: Khloe Kardashian is the shit stain on the carpet of Hollywood that just will not come up, even after being blasted many times with Oxyclean. Wait, hold on. The floppy dick one seemed meaner, actually, and people are counting on me to deliver the bite that only a rabid attack-dog journalist can deliver; Khloe Kardashian is possibly the most mentally-retarded crack baby slut whore who sucks AIDS-infested, shit-covered, brown-semen-spitting wrinkly ancient dicks just because her life is a piece of trash manifesting itself in human form.

You know what? I really feel like I can do this. Let me just try one more time: If Andy Dick got AIDS, then ate a newborn baby with szechuan sauce, then shit that out into a raccoon's mouth, then a homeless guy collected that raccoon's fleas, mashed them into a ball and ate them while smearing the raccoon's guts all over his body in an underwater genetic-testing chamber while being blasted with gamma rays and diarrhea, and living on a strict diet of pig vomit and phlegm, his shit would be Khloe Kardashian, whose career consists of ripping apart the very fabric existence by defying God and continuing to felching out of the assholes of sumos who are covered in slime because they never shower, just so she can continue to curse everyone's very beings with her incessant fucking pathetic uselessness that contaminates any sane or decent human being's means of perception. Anything she looks at transmogrifies into diarrhea and then explodes all over the place, and her baby is already smoking crystal meth because she puts a meth pipe in it's mouth instead of a bottle, as she is a unequivocally horrendous mother who is raising her children to grow up to become rapists and murderers. Just kidding, all of that would be a step up from where she is right now, that fucking worthless cunt, that living bucket of polar bear shit, that bitch-ass talentless dumpster slut who needs to get eaten by a tyrannosaur.

Yikes, I feel like an asshole after writing that. But that's the internet. You have to be outrageously mean for no reason at all or else you're just not doing it right.

Diet Oatmeal

...tastes exactly like shit.

If you're on a diet, you're forced to eat horrible food. As you may know, Hollywood Actresses never diet. Their method of preparation for movie roles involves a personal trainer feeling them up as they lift tiny weights, and a weak gag reflex. Only lowly non-celebrities attempt to diet, and it fails exactly 100% of the time, and that's a scientific fact, like how toast always falls jelly-side down.

Some of the horrible food used on diets are: Grapefruits (ew), Celery (gag), Yogurt (disgusting), Soy (Garbage), Sugar-Free Gum (fuqqin nazztii), and of course, more low-fat low sugar foods.

So, okay, I wanted to eat some oatmeal, but there was none, but there was diet oatmeal. I always keep some diet oatmeal on the shelf in case I run out of cat litter, and the cat needs something to crap into. Today, I made the ghastly error of deciding to try it out.

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being delicious, and 1 being vomit-inducing, it was around -3. It is rumored that David Carradine killed himself because he had some diet oatmeal. Diet oatmeal is what America tortures terrorists with, and is rumored to have been developed by Dick Cheney himself. This stuff is absolute crap in terms of flavor. If diet oatmeal was a person auditioning for American Idol, Simon would quit, and in fact, that's why he DID quit. More people hate diet oatmeal than Justin Bieber and Andy Dick's mutant asshole hate-child (I would call it a love-child, but that just seemed wrong). If diet oatmeal went to high school, he would be shoved in the lockers by the teachers and the principle, and when he turns in his term paper, it would break the school grading system, and they would have to invent a new letter lower than F, possibly G. After this, the teacher would be all "Get out of my classroom." and pull out a shotgun, and diet oatmeal would run out the door crying but would fart with every step. Then he would get home, and his father would beat him without mercy after seeing diet oatmeal's grades, that is, if diet oatmeal's father hadn't committed suicide from the disgrace of having such a failure of a son that turned all his drinking/poker buddies against him. Diet oatmeal's mother, of course, would be knitting a sweater for her son that reads "I suck", because diet oatmeal has a face that even his own mother thought was so hideous that it convinced her to sell her most valuable and dearest possessions to scrape up enough money to get surgery to get her tubes tied and take out her ovaries and place them in a vault that was dropped into an active volcano in the Pacific Ocean, which caused the volcano to erupt so violently that it created a brand-new continent.

Verdict: Guilty of killing Nicole

Reggio's Frozen Pizzas have finally fallen as the king of terrible nasty food.