Madonna To Suck A Million Dicks

If you're a male, Madonna wants your cum in her mouth!

JCG 2016 Election Coverage -- Last Thursday, Madonna "Madonna" Madonna put forth a tantalizing offer for every male who ever wanted to receive fellatio from a 60-year-old pop star with a fake English accent: To suck the dick of every man who would vote for Hillary Clinton. So far, millions of American males have signed up to have their genitals slurped by the aging Kabbala enthusiast in exchange for their allegiance to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. As of yet, it is not clear why Madonna has put forth this proposition, and the perplexing contingency is not lost on the receivers of the head. 

Stephen Banker, a 36-year-old attorney from Arkansas, spoke to JCG while waiting in the miles-long line to have his phallus engaged orally by the Material Girl herself. "I don't know why she wants to suck my dick." Banker said, adding, "I think a presidential candidate should be chosen on the merit of their policies, not for sexual reasons, but hey - head is head." Banker's wife, Hanna Banker, was initially upset with her husband for going to Madonna, but has come around, evidently. "Stephen has always wanted to get his dick sucked by Madonna," Mrs. Banker explained, "And I don't like Donald Trump, so this will get him to vote for Hillary, so our votes won't just cancel each other out, and this just kind of works."

Other men weren't so lucky. James Westville, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, left his long-time girlfriend of 20 years to plug Madonna's mouth-hole with his member. "I loved [my girlfriend]," Westville explained, "But this is Madonna we're talking about. I can't pass this opportunity to get my dick between her lips. She may be old now, but that just means she has experience."

According to Madonna's publicist, Madonna has trained hard to prepare for the onslaught of cocks that would be cumming her way in lieu of her offer. She is reported to have done 100 tongue-push-ups per day, and has an IV attached to her arm to keep her body hydrated and prevent chafing on the interior of her mouth. She will not eat for the next 16 days, at least, not a conventional meal. Human sperm is high in protein and essential nutrients, and she will be using the high vitality of a semen-based diet to maintain her stamina. 

We, of course, wish her the best in her mission!

Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Hand Bitten Off By A Shark

Member Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan has come a long way since being the adorable little girl in The Parent Trap remake, which is scheduled to be remade again in 2018 as The Parent Trap: Reconciliation, directed by Michael Bay, and starring Gail Bean and Gail Bean as the twins, Donald Glover as the dad, and Stacey Dash as the mom. It will have everything you want in a movie: black people, explosions, sexy women, gay people, explosions, gay explosions.

Lindsay decided to start her own nightclub, because she'd been kicked out of so many nightclubs for throwing her stilettos randomly, that she said, "Fuck you all, I'm starting my own nightclub, and when I do, you're not on the list, fuckerrrrrrsssss!" Unfortunately for Ms. Lohan, managing the club has turned out to be more difficult than she had imagined: she has to manage inventory, abide by labor laws, get the building ready for fire inspections, fight the rats out of the kitchen with a flamethrower, deal with unruly employees, deal with rowdy customers and guests, make sure the club is bangin', pay royalties to use popular rap music, and on one occasion, she had to fight off a shark.

That's right, folks, you heard it here first: last Thursday, Lindsay Lohan had to tango with a fully-grown great white shark in her own club, and the sight was not pretty. The club's security guards informed Ms. Lohan that a shark had been spotted in the club, and according to eyewitness reports, Lindsay lost her fucking shit. She began screaming incoherently, and throwing bottles of alcohol at the bar patrons, demanding that they remove the shark from the building. The shark was asked to leave, but since sharks don't speak any English, it continued to stay on the dance floor. Sharks only understand one thing: blood. They are truly stupid creatures who only can destroy life with their blood-stained massive teeth of death.

According to reports, Lohan began yelling, "Get the fuck out of my club! This my club, you piece of shit!" and the shark became confused, and interpreted Lindsay's flailing hands as fish, swimming through the sea. The shark lunged forward and instantly bit off Lindsay's left hand, the one she uses to finger her clitoris (whereas the right hand handles the dildo), and swallowed it. Lohan's hand was said to be so inundated with drugs that it killed the shark instantly, but left Lohan with a stump that sprayed blood like a Tarantino flick. Luckily for Lindsay Lohan, doctors were able to re-attach her hand, despite Lindsay Lohan's demands to have her hand replaced with a grenade launcher.

Lindsay's publicist could not be reached for comment.

Naked Hillary Statue: WHY!?

Pictured above is the disrespectful "art" being put on display.

I really can't believe I'm saying this: this election just got weirder. I mean, I know people are passionate about politics, but there are some lines that just should not be crossed. I'm talking about a horribly sexist statue of Hillary Clinton, a former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State, and candidate for President of The United States, completely unclothed. I wanted to think that we, as a nation, could afford woman of this stature some dignity, but for the mystery artist, disrespect seems to be the order of the day.

I've presented a picture (above) to show what the statue looks like, but have it blurred out of respect to both my readers and for myself. Despite the gossip-y nature of this publication, we have some pride, and aren't going to show a presidential candidate in the nude for cheap clicks or cheap laughs. I would imagine, somewhere, The Right is chuckling about this tasteless joke. Who finds this funny, though? I, for one, sure do not. Laughing at the anatomy of another human being shows a lack of basic empathy and a taste for cruelty. I know we as people can be unbelievably cruel to each other at times, but I think we need to make a concerted effort to rise above our instinct to insult.

This is not the kind of thing I would want my kids to see in public, either. The audacious indecency of the artist to think placing this in public would warrant an apology normally -- if we knew who the hell did this!

To whoever made this: You should apologize to Hillary Clinton, and stop putting these up. Thank you.

Hilarious Naked Donald Trump Statue Appears Around The Nation

Oh, say it's not so! For those of you fortunate enough to have the sense to never imagine Donald Trump nude, a mysterious and heroic artist has decided to taint your memories with his or her brilliantly explicit work. At first you go, "NO." and wince at the sight of it, then you look again, and see something we all suspected: that Donald Trump may have married and divorced and married and divorced and married gorgeous women not for his amazing physique. But what could it be that sways these beautiful ladies into his flabby arms? Could it be his awful, pampered, condescending, smug, racist, sexist, and overbearing personality? Possibly. Or the man just has a huge dick.

OR

OR... OR HE HAS A BOATLOAD OF MONEY. We know he can jerk out a bunch of weird, suit-wearing kids, but somewhere under Donald Trump's extravagant rolls of whale blubber, there lurks a tiny (but busy) phallus with a net worth of "5 billion dollars". The hilarious shock-value of the 'Naked Trump' piece comes from the fact that it's what we all subconsciously imagined, and shows how truly absurd Trump becomes without his expensive suits. He just becomes a poorly-endowed, pear-shaped piece of rubber with a terrible haircut.

For the mystery-artist behind this, we can only say: well-done! This was hilarious and made our day here at the office. Mad props.

Game of War: moar liek game of whore

"Come play with me", the white-clad maiden says, staring into the camera with her beautiful blue eyes and plastic mammaries. Where have I seen this before? I can't quite recall, just something about 'making love to her against the evils' or some shit. So what do I expect from playing this game? Well, to be honest, huge battles and fornicating with seductive maidens and the occasional stint with the horrifying town wench after a night of feasting on mutton and filling my belly with so much wine that my judgement befalls. But instead, I get this bullshit:

"leave ur alliance bro"

Look, if I'm a fucking alliance, it's probably because I like my allies. They are good Protestant barons like myself who have relations to the Duchess of Burgundy, whose cousin is the Duke of Pomerania, who signed the Treaty of Lodz that promises the Princess of Lithuania will marry the King of Denmark. That is a confusing political curio that I can't just abandon because you need some allies so Brian won't send his cavalry to plunder your wheat fields, you fucking little bitch. If you can't get that through your thick skull, then you need to throw yourself out a window seriously.

Also, this game is Evony. 

And by 'Evony', I mean

illuminati.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Casey Anthony

Hi mom

WOW SUCH BEAUTY MUCH INNOCENCE WOw

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME SICK FACTS OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC TO YOU LITTLE KIDS SO TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF YOUR MOM'S NIPPLE FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO YOUR NEW GOD. CASEY ANTHONY IS HOT. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT. IS SHE INSANE? NO, SHE'S THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A CRAZY WORLD. WHY WOULD I DEFEND A WOMAN WHO PROBABLY KILLED HER OFFSPRING? LOOK AT THOSE TITS. THOSE TITS DON'T LIE. NOR DO THOSE HIPS. THEY TELL A TALE OF A DELICIOUS VAGINA THAT LURKS BETWEEN THE VALLEYS OF HER BEAUTIFUL PALE-ASS LEGS, WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LASER-GUIDED SPIKED PENIS, 5,000 LBS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE SEMEN DESIGNED BY MILITARY ENGINEERS TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO HER BUNKER AND BUST IT.  d

"But dude, that's really offensive..."

Take the dick out of your ass for five seconds. You all may be aware by now that this bitch be crazy, and crazy bitches are always the best in bed. More crazy = more bed-power. Would attack me with a stapler? Maybe. Would she impale my cat onto the wall with a nail gun? Maybe. Would she drug me with bath salts and throw me into a bin of medical waste? Probably. But I still think, somewhere, deep down inside of her, there is a woman with a wet vagina that is unoccupied by dick, and I have sympathy for her. 

And when my parents read this, they'll probably have to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style into the Grand Canyon and explode in a massive fireball of fire. Good. I'm an adult now, and this is my way of rebelling. Oh, and you thought I'd just resort to wearing tight jeans, listening to Hawthorne Heights while sobbing, pretending to be bisexual and smoking the marijuana leaves to let you know that I am an angry young man!?!?!? EFF THAT, I'm not stopping sleeping with highly questionable women until I have AIDS and Cancer, even if it's not medically possible to get cancer through sexual transmission, but if we can put a man on the moon, someday, it WILL be possible.

Wait, whoa. What is the point of this again?

Oh yeah

So uh, did she do it? Not with me. I don't know about that court thing, but they said "Not guilty", and hey, I have full faith in the American Justice System, because there is no way it can be flawed. Unfortunately, Casey and I simply won't work out as a couple because she is in hiding, for fear of her life. I need a woman who is able to go to Dairy Queen with me and sip ice cream shakes together. I can't do that if I'm constantly worried someone will run up to her and stab her. And what if Slenderman comes after her? Then we're both fucked. Nobody can stop that guy.

PEACE!

Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

EpicX: One Click for a Roman Orgy! CLICK IT, FAGGOT

Well, it's been a busy last couple of weeks, and right now, I guess I could use a Roman Orgy. Luckily, there's a website that offers Roman Orgies, simply for clicking your computer's mouse a single time. I don't see any downside to that. So I clicked my mouse, thinking I was in for some sexy, steamy tangle of naked humanity, and well, I got the 'steamy tangle of naked humanity' part correct, but it was really gross. It was like 80% hairy dudes, who were all sweaty, and were talking about probably the worst subjects of all time: their highest bowling averages, betting on fantasy football,  that weather, the ethics of cannibalism, string theory, beef jerky, and how much they hated their wives. All while having sex with the few females, who all had oversized implants, way too much make-up, fake blonde hair, fake collagen-filled lips, and there was a creepy cameraman with a mustache wearing a golden chain recording the whole thing.

Goddamn it, EpicX. That was some bullshit right there. I demand an apology, and for you to add a clause to your ads that says: "We at EpicX cannot absolutely guarantee the full quality of your orgy, and are not responsible for your sexual satisfaction." Also, what is this?:

Call of Roma? Roman Orgy? One click? Holy mother of squid pussyfuck. That's the exact same ad as EpicX, and even the girl is the same girl. It's like EpicX took that ad from Call of Roma and put their logo on it. Don't even get me started on this Age of Conan bullshit.

World Set To End Tomorrow

 It's that time, folks. Time for the world to end. I've been saying this for years, and now it's finally here, Earth's final battle with Nibiru, aka Planet X, aka Tiamat, aka Nemesis, aka HR Paperstacks. The Zeta Lizardmen of Nibiru will no doubt overwhelm the Earth's defenses within a matter of hours, reducing our society to ruins, and wreaking havoc on our environment. Jeff Goldblum warned us this would happen, but now it's too late, and I'll never get to see Emma Stone's new sex tape, jam with One Direction, slap Justin Bieber across the face, or interview Lady GaGa.

Now you may be asking yourself: por que?

Here's the truth:

There are actually 12 planets. The Sun is the first planet, even though it's a star, and all the other planets are grains of sand compared to the sun. Our Moon (Luna) is also a planet. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Let's pretend moons like Titan, Callisto, Ganymede, Io, Europa and Triton don't exist for a minute, because otherwise, that would completely invalidate Luna as a planet. Then of course, we have the outer planets - Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (tee hee), Neptune, Pluto, Eris, and finally Nibiru. Nevermind that Pluto is smaller than many of the moons in the Solar System, it's a planet, dammit. The reason no one has ever seen Nibiru is because the Lizardmen have cloaked the planet, rendering it invisible to the naked telescope. Once the planets align, Nibiru will also crash into the Earth, I think. Whatever, we're just doomed, okay?

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Vanessa Hudgen Apologizes For Exposing Her Delicious Body

Disney, California - Vanessa Hudgens, star of that one movie where all the high school kids sing and dance, has apologized for her body. A few years ago or some shit, Hudgens faced a scandal involving leaked cellphone photos that she allegedly sent to co-star Zack Efron because "She lost a bet." The enbattled Disney star soon found herself in hot water for doing something that a normal adult woman is completely allowed to do with a normal adult man. "Kids don't understand nudity." an anonymous Disney executive commented, "When they see pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothing, they get super-confused and start wanting to take their clothes off to emulate their favorite star, and that's not appropriate behavior for an 8-year-old." 15 minutes later, the same executive was arrested for possession of child pornography, and boy, did he have a lot of it.

The apology, in part, read:

Dear fans,

What's up? It's me, Vanessa Hudgens, you know, from High School: The Musical 2. I know it's been a couple years now, but I guess I want to drag this back out into public by saying that there were some pictures of me that weren't meant to be released to the public, and I am very sorry for taking pictures that weren't meant to be released to the public. From now on, I will work hard to always take pictures of family-friendly things, like watermelons, or ponies, or carpet samples. I also promise to never go naked again. I will remain clothed while showering, and I will never remove this pair of underwear that I have on now. Don't ask me how I will be using the bathroom, but I can assure you, I have worked out a system.

She goes on to say that working for Disney means living up to a nonsensically unrealistic image of perfection that does not include violence, bad words, human anatomy or reproduction, life, reality, or logic, and that she pledges to live up to that standard 100% in the future.

Sarah Palin Gets Naked For America

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and present-day Fox News Contributor has shocked the nation with her raunchy photoshoot showing the former Governor's more natural physical attributes. Palin  has been crusading to keep tuna fish in schools, after lawmakers threatened to ban tuna fish sandwiches in public schools because, according to the superintendent of a school district in Columbus, OH, "They smell like puke." which received little attention until one day, Sarah Palin was giving a speech to a small and very bored drowsy little audience, who yielded little enthusiasm until Mrs. Palin decided to remove her clothes. "I had to get their attention, and boy did that do the trick!" Palin commented afterwards, adding, "This has really brought a lot of attention to the pro-tuna grizzly moms around America who want to make sure their kids are getting a proper daily nutrition of tuna."

To keep the pro-tuna movement alive, Palin has made a number of appearances around country, giving speeches, and stripping completely naked, revealing her naked boobs and vagina to thousands of people. "We thought Sarah Palin might be losing relevance," Conservative commentator Ricky Barney said on Fox's Say Whatever You Want program, "this just shows that even during a big election like this one, a woman can still stay relevant to the national dialogue. That says a lot about how far we've come as a country. She is truly an innovator on the political landscape of this great nation, and her pussy is in surprisingly good shape."

Palin allegedly put in 40 days of training and dieting to prepare it for full-frontal nudity, as she has pledged to maximize her attractiveness during her country-wide tour to save tuna fish sandwiches in schools. When asked if she would continue getting completely naked or possibly even escalating her theater to lewd sex acts, the former Governor smiled brightly, her perky tits jiggling back and forth as she shifted her sitting position and answered, "You betcha! These kids in school deserve real American tuna. I'll do whatever I can to make sure the naysayers in the mainstream media get real and start telling the truth!"

Democrats argue that her nudity actually distracts from the issue of the Separation of Tuna and State, as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Believing with you that the consumption of tuna is a matter which lies solely between an individual and his family, that he owes account to none other for his fish or his walleye, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of the consumption of tuna fish, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Tuna and State." but critics of the Democratic Party have argued "As long as you keep this up, the more naked Sarah Palin is going to be."

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes DIVORCE SCANDAL OMFG THANK YOU GOD I MEAN OH THAT'S SO SAD

Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. 

Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN. 

 

 According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.

ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!

Report: The Octomom to Act In Porn; Standard Craziness

 This is Nadya Suleman, just your average mother of 14 children. Over the years, really meanie weenie people have questioned whether or not she is able to be a good mother to so many children while working so hard on so many projects, like posing in a bed with a bunch of plastic baby dolls:

 Now we know the answer to that question...

Yes.

Nadya Suleman, with her new-and-improved bionic body, has decided to put her vagina to work once again, but this time, IT'S PERSONAL. Just like any loving mother would, Nadya Suleman has turned to pornography to "liberate herself sexually and feel like a new person" put food on the table for her children. I mean, I wish my mom had done this when I was a kid; then I could maybe get that Sega Genesis I wanted... but it's too late now. I'm all grown-up and realize that Sega Genesis sucks. Sonic The Hedgehog sucks.

And yes, that picture is real, and that is a purple dildo next to some scented candles. Somehow, this picture is even MORE disturbing when it's censored, because if you haven't seen the actual picture, your imagination starts to run wild with what is under those black boxes. Don't. Just don't go down that route. Think about adorable kittens running through tall grass, chasing butterflies to Sarah McLachlan music. That's only advice I can give to you. Erase everything from your mind.

As for the children, initial reports are that no one knows their names, but they will probably never have to worry about ever having these videos of their mom being sent to them as a cruel, cruel high school prank, or needing any kind of counseling for any sort of emotional issues that might arise from living with a single mother who does pornography and reality TV for living with your 13 other siblings, because statistics show that this situation has happened exactly zero times.

Special Report: Uma Thurman's Pussy Sighted

12:29 Cali time - Uma Thurman's pussy was spotted on the beach by trained photographers, who captured the pussy on film for the purpose of publication the other day, prompting a firestorm of controversy. "Holy shit," Jacob Jameson, a Professional Cinematographer and Photographical Artist said last Thursday, "I totally saw Uma Thurman's pussy. Like... it was Uma Thurman... but with her pussy exposed." Other observers, like 18-year-old intern photographer Wayne Turnpike, reported similar accounts of what they saw that fateful day. "It was like," Turnpike explained, clearly still excited, "It was Uma Thurman, but with nothing covering the bottom part of her. I've never seen anything like this." However, there are skeptics. A spokesman for the U.S. Air Force Intelligence Branch said during a press conference "What you saw was probably the planet Venus, which often takes on the appearance of celebrity clitoris in certain lights. It's also quite possible what you saw was a small Cessna Jetliner, or even a weather balloon, which you have mistaken for Uma Thurman's pussy." This dismal dismissal was met with criticism by witnesses who observed the event firsthand. "I know what I saw." Turnpike protested, "It wasn't the planet Venus or a weather balloon. It was definitely Uma Thurman's pussy. I know a pussy when I see one, and this was definitely one that belonged to Uma Thurman. Such a condescending explanation is very patronizing and upsetting, and I am personally appalled by the U.S. Government's lack of response to the situation which is quite clearly been proven to be happening between Uma Thurman's legs."

Umathurmanpussyologists have offered an explanation for the dismissal though, saying, "If civilization saw Uma Thurman's pussy, think about the implications on society. Religion would be meaningless. There would be mass panic, and ejaculate flowing in the streets."

The alleged picture, taken by professional Stalkerazzi ninjas, followed Thurman to a remote and secret island which isn't even on standard geography maps (As a secret getaway for celebrities who want to be left alone) and spotted Thurman on the beach, lifting her skirt, which reportedly revealed her pussy. "It was almost like she wanted us to see her pussy." an anonymous Stalkerazzi cameraman said, adding: "Why else would she fly to a secret island?"

Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and Justin Timberlake leak nude pics! SCANDAL!!!!!

Well, it's that time of year again: the days are getting shorter, the leaves are turning golden, and celebrities are leaking naked pictures of themselves "by accident". When I heard Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and JT all dropped nude pics all over the web, I was all over that action. I did extensive research to find the said pictures, but alas, my pursuit was in vain. I manage to find this picture of Scarlett Johansson's butt, which I cleverly pixelated to censor the part of her butt which is unfit for the eyes of... uhm... I'm going to say "the children". No worries, it's okay to talk about about naked celebrities, as long as we don't actually show them. I also saw that picture of Mila Kunis flashing her boobs from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I almost forgot about after being traumatized by seeing Jason Segel's penis several dozen times. I had to go to therapy for that. I didn't look for Justin Timberlake's nude pictures, cuz I ain't gay. But seriously, I hate when celebrities leak their nude pictures, and I can't find them, or they just suck. The only good one I ever saw was the alleged nude Katy Perry picture, and nobody knows if it's her because she doesn't have her make-up on. But rest assured, if any decent nude celebrity pictures emerge, I will capture them like Pokemon and force them to battle in an arena of death until one remains victorious, standing atop the dead nude bodies of it's opponents.

This reminds me. Recently, Lady GaGa accidentally flashed her tits during a red carpet event. For anyone else, this would be career-killing. But she just brushed it off, lifted her top back up, and kept posing, LIKE A BOSS. How kick-ass is that?

Hey, whatever happened to Paris Hilton?

Hey, remember Paris Hilton?

















No Official Certified Profession Celebrity Gossip Blog would be complete without Paris Hilton. It would be like breakfast without bacon. It would be like be like Geraldo Rivera without a mustache. It would be like Paris Hilton without a penis in her vagina. Unfortunately for myself, and everyone else, Paris Hilton has been quieter than a church mouse, and you all know how quiet mice are when they're breaking into a church to eat that stale bread before it can transmogrify into the body of Christ. Those bastards.

Paris Hilton first made her first cerebral scars onto the cranium of America in 2003, with her hit reality-series The Simple Life, which chronicled her heart-warming journey of self-discovery on a rural farm along with sidekick Nicole "Holocaust Victim" Richie, torn from the luxurious glamour of their normal lives. However, instead of learning about simple living, the duo learned nothing, which seems to be a recurring theme.

The fame bestowed on them caused them to be on the cover of every magazine, even the sciencey ones. It seemed like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, Bliss (caused by ignorance), and apparently, night-vision cameras. But out of the blue, they vanished from the headlines.

Leaving an empty hole in my heart...


As a matter of fact...
















Hey, whatever happened to Tara Reid?

Last time I heard, she had a bit of a nipple slip during a red carpet event, where it took her several hours before she realized her boob was showing. The boob flash made one thing very clear: she got plastic surgery done by the same doctor who created The Human Centipede. Upon further photo analysis, she had other operations that seriousssss screwed up her body.

This is tragic. Tara Reid, while not being particularly bright, is very pretty, and she's RUINING it. I'd almost rather see Larry King naked, but OH WAIT, I already have! DAMN YOU, JON STEWART!

Still, Tara Reid's botched boobs/stomach are nothing compared to Paris Hilton's bizarre-looking other-worldly purple vagina. A normal, healthy vagina is surrounded by a beautiful soft pink/peach. Paris Hilton's vagina, however, is surrounded by dark purple flaps of skin that would flop around if there was a breeze blowing. It's like what would happen if you took the black gums in the mouths of dogs and used that tissue to make a vulva.

In short, it's an abomination to humanity.

Also, in even shorter, where are these girls? We need them to return, for the sake of all that is good and right in this world.

The TSA is Scanning Your Body And Looking At You Naked And Laughing

Perhaps you do a lot of commuting by air. Perhaps you enjoy flying out-of-state for the holidays. Or perhaps you're a terrorist with a bomb strapped to your cock. Well, today, all of you will have to face the TSA's new high-tech body-scanning, which shows the entire surface of the scanee's skin.

As shown in this highly-shocking photograph to our left, this deadly weapon in the Global Effort To Combat Extremism will reveal what you look like naked to airport security employees, who we can all agree are pervs, who voted overwhelmingly to have this scanner installed, because they weren't getting enough action in their personal lives.




Well, I personally think this is great. You may feel violated now, but just think how much better you'll feel when a foreign-looking man with chemicals in his pants is apprehended by the authorities. All those times spent being gazed at lustfully by the TSA's finest will not have been in vain, and you can rest easy at night that they're not laughing at how out-of-shape you are, and how your body shape doesn't compliment your private parts at all. After all, if the Good Lord didn't want us to be seen naked, he wouldn't have made Adam and Eve with clothes already on.

Opponents to these new security measures say it's not necessary, because after all, is a hot blonde girl really going to bomb a plane? I think we all know the answer to that: yes. Another question posed is: "If a 9-year-old girl is scared to go through the body scan, are they going to make her go through it? Is a 9-year-old even considered a threat?" and again, I say that I sincerely hope that they put all children through full body scans, because have you seen that jungle-gym equipment being used in Al-Qaeda recruitment videos? I'm sure that attracted some kids to the cause.

Some Celebrities have even criticized the new scanner, such as rapper 50 Cent, who did not want them to scan to "see his G-unit", adding "I did not say I would let them come into the candy shop."