How to be a Rapper: A Quick Make-Up Tutorial

Are you sick of being a douchebag? Do you want all your friends to think you're cool?














Hmm, yeah?

Then you may want to consider a career as a Professional Hip-Hop Artist, also known as a Rapper, or an Emcee, or, in some rare instances, A Very Musical Gangster. You know some hardcore gang bangers have music in them; we all do, and that's what makes the human imagination so magical, even the imaginations of those guys who go around shooting people.

Note: Not all rappers are gangsters, and not all gangsters are rappers. If you ever took an IQ test, you'd realize that, SON.

So, look, 2012 is coming soon, and there may not be much time to pursue your dreams, and Randy Quaid has been exiled to Canada, so he won't be able to save us this time, so if you ever want to make your dreams of banging Miss Info and possibly a Kardashian sister come true, you need to get your rap career started quick.

I'm convinced that becoming a rapper is easy. You don't have to sing, dance, write your music, do anything, etc., in order to be successful. All you need is to follow The Formula. No one knows who invented The Formula, because so many people take credit for it, myself included, so let's just say that it was invented by Bill Gates. For instance, consider that Lil Wayne is the Best Rapper Alive. This is a fact, because it was confirmed by Lil Wayne himself, who also began the rumor that he was the Best Rapper Alive, despite this title being disputed by everyone else, even rappers on his own label. But that's part of hip-hop! Even if everyone else in the world is totally against what flies out of your mouth, The Laws of Hip-Hop dictate that you must "fuck 'em all" (Not sexually) and go against the grain. Well, anyhow! Lil Wayne went on the Tim Westwood show and had this to say when asked to do a "freestyle" live:

"I don't even know how to rap!"

And he wasn't even kidding.

If you are unfamiliar with freestyling, it is the act of rapping live, but not using any pre-meditated rhymes, which means you make it up as you go along. Lil Wayne busted out this freestyle:

[long pause]
[laughs]
Okay...
Welcome to the Carter
Little shoppa [unintelligible]
Bloody like a period, after [Dee Arthur!?]
Doctor, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog!
Not George Town, but I'm-a Uptown hood
[Laughs]
Like the law and my lawyers
I got them come be my employers
Freestylin', for ya know, know me
No, no, only for Monique
More of the money I get, I got that
Yeah, like a pot and a pan, I rock that
Yeah, I back with my bus driver, where to go?
[long pause]
[takes a sip of drink]
They diminish, I replenish
Scientific, I'm out this world, homes
AND I WEAR BRIGHT RED, LIKE A GIRL TOE! NO HOMO!
My fingernails dirty cuz I been counting dirty money since 12:30
a.m., weigh them, if they show up, take them, right back spray him, amen!
I just do my Wayne, and every time I do it, I do my thang!
YEAH.
[takes a drink]
[wipes sweat from forehead from intense concentration]


Now, just imagine him saying these rhymes very slowly, and out of rhythm. I know some of the lines didn't even rhyme or make any sense, but it's hard out there for a rapper, who's just trying to make a buck, or several million.

Okay, here we go.

1 - Everything has to be in Black and White.






















Pretty simple, right?


2 - You must wear an oversized white t-shirt, baggy jeans, old gym shoes, a leather jacket, a baseball cap, and a gold necklace at all times.

3 - You must drive a fly mercedes and fill it with fly ladies.

4 - Tell everyone that you're a rapper, even if they don't ask. Just go around freestyling all the time and telling people that you're a rapper, possibly the best. If they get annoyed, call them a hater and tell them that "they'll be sorry someday soon".

5 - You must talk like you are from The Hood at all times. If you talk in a non-Hood voice, then everyone from The Hood will know that you're faking it, so don't ever even use your non-Hood voice, ever!

6 - Look at people like this:
















If anyone asks why you're looking at them that way, just say "I'm a rapper", and they'll totally understand.

7 - Have swagger. Swagger isn't just walking really weird, it's an attitude. People have to feel your aura, so that they automatically know how fly of a rapper you is. I mean "are".

8 - Copy everything that Jay-Z does, but pretend that you don't, and then tell people that you're a Nas fan.













"My name is Hov. How are you?"


9 - Always hang out at clubs and with models. Never hang out with computer nerds, emo kids, and old white men, unless of course, those old white men are Tim Westwood.


10 - Unfortunately, there may come a time when you need actual rap lyrics to spew out of your mouth. On the bright side, it's EZ!!! Just find a bunch of words that sound cool and rhyme, then just start throwing them together. Here are a few to get you started:

Club - Bub (Short for Bubbly, which is short for Champagne)
Shorty - For me (It works, just slur it)
Rims - Trim (You should be using this to refer to a fly shorty)
Car - Bar
Cat - Hat
Girl - Twirl
Heezy - Sheezy
You know - Fo Sho
Flo - Show
Go - Ho
Bitch - Rich
Rocks - Glocks
Nuts - Butts

I hope that helped.

If you are still confused on how to write a rap song, don't worry. Just say "I'm a dog!" like 80 times, and probably some people will still think it's a decent freestyle. For your songs, just get a Canadian to write your rap lyrics, because they have unlimited marijuana up there, which boosts their creativity +3

THE END

Some Hot Hot Election Action

Time to put away the stale Halloween candy, because it's blogging time.





















Ladies and Gentlemen, recently, in boring politics news, America held it's mid-term elections, which were filled with a galore of stuffy upper-class drama. I know, Randy Quaid is going to court and is trying to flee to Canada, Charlie Sheen killed a hooker, and Snooki's top got half ripped-off in a drunken club fight, but I believe being a good journalist involves covering boring stories, especially political ones.

First of all: America, you did it. You stood up with one voice, and said "No, we can't." and I applaud that sort of random defiance. Tea-Partiers, you did it. Your Hitler-mustachioed posters have turned the tide of Obamostalinism sending Grandma to the death factories to be ground into hamburger just because she's a non-productive person who complains whenever I change the channel, but then criticizes everything about the show we're watching while smoking her damn cigarette.

In seriousness, though, our nation was in a fairly bad state before, but now America is going to get what it wants: a tax cut for the top 1% of the population, who already dodge taxes 24/7 by hiding all their money in secret Swiss accounts. If that doesn't bring the 90s back, I don't know what will.


First, in Christine O'Donnell's race, the Tea Party was hoping to snipe a predominantly Communist state of Delaware, however, Christine O'Donnell (Who is most certainly not a witch), was massacred by Chris Coons, who lives in a cage in Harry Reid's basement. Harry Reid keeps him alive by throwing him large amounts of raw meat. Despite a rallying wave of Tea Partying, O'Donnell could not secure the grape state of Delaware, and had to deliver what had to be the weirdest concession speech I've ever heard, which started off by her announcing "We have won!", and then reading a list of demands for Chris Coons to follow.




In Harry Reid news, the embattled Senate Majority Leader was expected to be raped by Sharrron Angle, the Tea Party favorite in Nevada. Reid, significantly down in the polls, largely due to the very high unemployment in his state, and unable to rally his constituency by way of sheer candor and charisma (as he has neither), employed an age-old political strategy: Just sitting there doing nothing while his opponent says stuff that's just nuts. Indeed, Sharron Angle's apparent list of off-color comments led voters to believe that she'd probably be worse than the leadership of the man who oversaw the worst unemployment in the state's history. When informed of her apparent loss for the Nevada senatoral race, Sharron Angle said "Zip zap zoop!" and flew off to the land of orange zebras.







One of the most high-profile Governator races was for the executive position in Colifornia. This unexciting horse race took place between the perpetually-running-for-governor Jerry Brown, and Meg Whitman, a CEO of e-Bay, a web-based auction where foreigners trick Americans into sending them money, then deleting their e-bay accounts without sending anything. Whitman failed to secure this election, despite having spent an approximate 1,000,000,000,000 dollars on her campaign. In a rage, she withdrew to her Lombardy estate, where she is currently brooding how unfair life is.





Speaking of voteration in Governor races, Emperor Palpatine's evil twin, Carl Paladino, while not a Tea-Party darling, appeared to have a remote chance of winning New Yawk's gubernatorial race. It all began with him sending donkey-show porn to his staff members, which convinced many New Yorkers that he might be cool enough to consider voting for. However, he was still behind in the polls, and suddenly, the plot thickened when Fred Dicker of The New Yorker and Carl Paladino had a Dragonball Z style confrontation where they just powered up for like 2 episodes while talking a ton of trash. Paladino was invited onto Fox News, where he explained that the confrontation took place because the media was out to get him, because the media backed the establishment, which made sense on paper until you realize that The New Yorker and Fox News are both owned by Rupert Murdoch, who supports Republicans like Paladino! Secret illuminati plot!

P.S. - Paladino lost lol



Like Harry Reid, Speaker O' The House, Nancy Pelosi was facing an uphill battle to be re-elected, but uh, she won, so no biggie. However, due the utter Republican pwnage in the House of Representatives, Democrats are now a minority, so Pelosi's position as Speaker Of The House is now in question, as the party with a majority of seats gets to do the speaking for The House. It is not yet known if she will step down as Speaker Of The House, or hole up in a cabin with a shotgun in a stand-off with cops in a last-gasp attempt to hold onto the position. It is speculated that if such a scenario should unfold, she will probably be sniped by Lon Horiuchi. The authorities would then storm the cabin and retrieve the Speaker Of The House position, and hand it to John Boehner (Whose last name is pronounced 'Boner', which is appropriate, because he has one right now, out of sheer excitement) although it is highly unlikely that this will happen.




I know there were a lot more races, like Rand Paul's important pick up of Kentucky, and Joe Manchin's wtf-win in West Virginia, but it's late, and the candy buzz is starting to wear off. I would like to congratulate The Republicans on their uberpwnage, and I know all the Conservatives have really intense boners right now. If anything, this election signifies that the agenda of President Obama sounds really muslimy to a lot of people, and it really pisses them off. This election just goes to show that if you regulate corporations, they will spend a ton of money to make you look like a douchebag to the American people, and indeed they did, so once again, Democracy prevails.

So take that, Castro.