Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

EpicX: One Click for a Roman Orgy! CLICK IT, FAGGOT

Well, it's been a busy last couple of weeks, and right now, I guess I could use a Roman Orgy. Luckily, there's a website that offers Roman Orgies, simply for clicking your computer's mouse a single time. I don't see any downside to that. So I clicked my mouse, thinking I was in for some sexy, steamy tangle of naked humanity, and well, I got the 'steamy tangle of naked humanity' part correct, but it was really gross. It was like 80% hairy dudes, who were all sweaty, and were talking about probably the worst subjects of all time: their highest bowling averages, betting on fantasy football,  that weather, the ethics of cannibalism, string theory, beef jerky, and how much they hated their wives. All while having sex with the few females, who all had oversized implants, way too much make-up, fake blonde hair, fake collagen-filled lips, and there was a creepy cameraman with a mustache wearing a golden chain recording the whole thing.

Goddamn it, EpicX. That was some bullshit right there. I demand an apology, and for you to add a clause to your ads that says: "We at EpicX cannot absolutely guarantee the full quality of your orgy, and are not responsible for your sexual satisfaction." Also, what is this?:

Call of Roma? Roman Orgy? One click? Holy mother of squid pussyfuck. That's the exact same ad as EpicX, and even the girl is the same girl. It's like EpicX took that ad from Call of Roma and put their logo on it. Don't even get me started on this Age of Conan bullshit.

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes DIVORCE SCANDAL OMFG THANK YOU GOD I MEAN OH THAT'S SO SAD

Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. 

Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN. 

 

 According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.

ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!