Conor McGregor Challenges Entire Nation of Russia To Fight

When it comes to iconic prize fighters, there is a short list of greats: Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali, Danny Bonaduce, and Conor McGregor. The hot-spoken Irishman has become a superstar from his 'gift of gab', but he may have bit off more than he could chew this week when he called out the Russian Federation to a fight. Last Thursday, McGregor told reporters, "I feel as though I can take of this Russia situation with a left uppercut to the jaw. I foresee Russia falling in the second round of the fight, yeh."

Russian citizens are concerned about the developing situation. Sergey Ulanov, a steel worker in Rostov, Russia, spoke to our field reporters, saying, "Russia not scared of fight. Russia strong.", adding, "This man is speaking but he not action man."

McGregor fired back on Twitter, saying: "These people tink it is all talk. But when teh entire nation of Russia is standin' across the cage from me, tey will see it is not all talk. Fook all of 'em, and fook Vladimir Putin too!" When asked by Ulanov's comments, McGregor replied, "Who da fook is dat? I'll whup 'is ass too, and I'll whup 'is whole family's ass, kids n' everyting, I don't give a fook."

Russia President Vladimir Putin has issued a statement, saying: "Conor McGregor must respect the sovereignty of the Russian people, and I would advise him against using such provocative rhetoric. I am prepared to use military force, if necessary, to defend the interests of the Russia people."

When President Putin was asked if he would consider nuking Conor McGregor, he simply replied, "Da."

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Divorce Of The Month: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker

To quote Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


My sense of stability in this world has been shattered like a fine china plate being dropped out of Bill Gates' personal learjet. If you don't think that analogy makes sense, then just imagine this: I think Bill Gates is so rich that he just buys priceless plates and then throws them out of planes just to impress the Prime Minister of Japan.

Anyhow, Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives famez and Tony Parker, who does something, like cricket or some sporty thing, were wed in July of 2007 in a fairy-tale-ish Paris wedding that left everyone in tears from it's beauty. Three years later, they were like, "Screw it." and decided to get divorced for political reasons, proving once again that celebrity marriages are part of a secret Russian plot. This comes on the heels of Mel Gibson's bitter custody battle with Oksana Akinshina or someone Russian, which also adds to the mounting evidence that the Russians are involved and that a very elaborate Bourne-Identity-like espionage battle is taking place behind the scenes, so if you see a car chase involving several black vans chasing a Cadillac going backwards on a winding highway in Milan, where all the parties involved are shooting at each other, ending in a car pile-up and/or explosion, you know why.

There is a very funny side to this sad story though; both Longoria and Parker got tattoos of each other's names on themselves, so the writers of Desperate Housewives may have to write something into the script to explain why Gabrielle suddenly has laser scars all over the back of her neck, probably involving alien abduction, because to be honest, that show is getting really weird. It's kind of like what happens when the ratings go down, and the writers have to amp up the ridiculousness factor because they're getting uh... gosh, what's the word? I can't think of it.

In conclusion, WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH