NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."

How Hayden Panettiere lost 245 lbs in just 2 weeks!

Hollywood loves young upcoming stars, and Hayden Panettiere is no exception, but she has one weakness: food. After NBC's Heroes was cancelled due to the fact that it sucked and the writers had no idea where they were going with the plot, Panettiere began eating a large amount of bacon and chocolate ice cream every day, sometimes at the same time, and ended up looking like Jabba the Hutt, or worse, Rosie O'Donnell. To have a career in the entertainment industry, everyone knows that you can't be fat, unless you're a man. Everyone knows that fat guys are hilarious. I sincerely hope in future that fat people never rise up against discrimination and it becomes politically incorrect to make fun of the morbidly obese, which might jeopardize my potential run for President of the United States of America. 

Anyhow, ABC developed a brand-new series called Nashville, which is okay. I saw an episode of it, and it's the same old TV drama formulas crammed into a country-music-industry anecdote. But whatever, right? Country music may not be my forte per se, but the show is still better than any of that herpes-ridden rotten horse saliva being squeezed out of the nipple of the evil giraffe-goddess, also known as "NBC shows". I mean, they're ending 30 Rock? Eat a bag of period blood, NBC.

Wait, what was I writing about? Oh, right. Hayden Panettiere was on the way to being the epitome of all those "yo momma so fat..." jokes when her agent told her that she was going to need to lose some of that flab, and replace it with fab. Panettiere immediately threw her cellphone against a brick wall out of sheer rage, which burned like 10 calories right there. Then she went into the gym, where a bunch of muscular steroid-guys offered to give her personal training "for free". She declined, knowing that she would have to sleep with them, and they would have very small dicks. She walked on the treadmill for like 2 seconds before realizing something.

"I was in really bad shape!" Panettiere said, "I knew things had gotten out of control. I knew I had to make like Stella and get my groove back. Walking on that treadmill sure wasn't going to do it, so I went to the only person I could trust: Dr. Scienceman, who works as a nutritionist, personal trainer, and spiritual adviser to the stars. The man is truly amazing. He taught the Prince of Spain how to do a back handspring. So I went to him to ask him for his guidance. He looked me right in my eyes, my big beautiful blue eyes, which complimented my soft facial features and flowing golden hair, and said 'Hayden, you need to starve. You need to starve hard.' and that's what I did. I starved the living daylights out of myself. I starved until I was skinny enough. I starved until I was good enough. Then, ABC called me and said 'We see you've lost quite a bit of weight there. We had a part in our show that we were going to have to give to Ashley Tisdale, but thank God we don't have to. You have no idea how relieved we are. We want to sign you to the show for the price of 1,000,000,000$ per episode. And I said yes. It's a truly inspiring American dream story come true. If you work hard in America, and are pretty enough, anything is possible."