Hot Girl Of The Week: Casey Anthony

Hi mom

WOW SUCH BEAUTY MUCH INNOCENCE WOw

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME SICK FACTS OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC TO YOU LITTLE KIDS SO TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF YOUR MOM'S NIPPLE FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO YOUR NEW GOD. CASEY ANTHONY IS HOT. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT. IS SHE INSANE? NO, SHE'S THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A CRAZY WORLD. WHY WOULD I DEFEND A WOMAN WHO PROBABLY KILLED HER OFFSPRING? LOOK AT THOSE TITS. THOSE TITS DON'T LIE. NOR DO THOSE HIPS. THEY TELL A TALE OF A DELICIOUS VAGINA THAT LURKS BETWEEN THE VALLEYS OF HER BEAUTIFUL PALE-ASS LEGS, WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LASER-GUIDED SPIKED PENIS, 5,000 LBS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE SEMEN DESIGNED BY MILITARY ENGINEERS TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO HER BUNKER AND BUST IT.  d

"But dude, that's really offensive..."

Take the dick out of your ass for five seconds. You all may be aware by now that this bitch be crazy, and crazy bitches are always the best in bed. More crazy = more bed-power. Would attack me with a stapler? Maybe. Would she impale my cat onto the wall with a nail gun? Maybe. Would she drug me with bath salts and throw me into a bin of medical waste? Probably. But I still think, somewhere, deep down inside of her, there is a woman with a wet vagina that is unoccupied by dick, and I have sympathy for her. 

And when my parents read this, they'll probably have to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style into the Grand Canyon and explode in a massive fireball of fire. Good. I'm an adult now, and this is my way of rebelling. Oh, and you thought I'd just resort to wearing tight jeans, listening to Hawthorne Heights while sobbing, pretending to be bisexual and smoking the marijuana leaves to let you know that I am an angry young man!?!?!? EFF THAT, I'm not stopping sleeping with highly questionable women until I have AIDS and Cancer, even if it's not medically possible to get cancer through sexual transmission, but if we can put a man on the moon, someday, it WILL be possible.

Wait, whoa. What is the point of this again?

Oh yeah

So uh, did she do it? Not with me. I don't know about that court thing, but they said "Not guilty", and hey, I have full faith in the American Justice System, because there is no way it can be flawed. Unfortunately, Casey and I simply won't work out as a couple because she is in hiding, for fear of her life. I need a woman who is able to go to Dairy Queen with me and sip ice cream shakes together. I can't do that if I'm constantly worried someone will run up to her and stab her. And what if Slenderman comes after her? Then we're both fucked. Nobody can stop that guy.

PEACE!

Justin Bieber: "Nigger"

So this one time, when Justin Bieber was younger, he said "Nigger" or "Nigga" or "Spear-chucking porch monkey" or something of that nature, and it was totally racist. Like REALLY totally literally racist. I mean, that shit was racist as hell. It was so racist that for a moment, I thought the Reverend Al Sharpton was going to have an aneurism when he found out.

In other news, Justin Bieber's song "Baby" saved a black kid's life, which totally isn't BS. That shit actually happened, and now a young boy (who is African-American) is now alive and well, thanks to Justin Bieber's hit single, "Baby". This proves that Justin Bieber is totally not racist and that his music prevents young African-American children from dying. OR MAYBE IT WAS THE VERSE LUDA DROPPED ON THAT SHIT, NIGGA.

Inside Kristen and Robert's Amazing Relationship

What's the secret to Twilight co-stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's fairy-tale relationship? Fans around the world look to this couple's relationship for inspiration, and vicariously share in their happiness as they strut down the red carpets, holding hands and smiling, almost beyond their own control, as the love unspoken seeks to escape their mouths, much like the warm flood of vomit after eating my Grandma's infamous cheesy potato recipe. However, in Hollywood, relationships seem to crack under brutal tabloid pressure like taking a package of graham crackers and crushing them in your mighty fist. 

When asked how the relationship is holding up so well in a tumultuous and fast-paced tinseltown atmosphere, both answered quite differently, but both had amazing advice. Kristen, when asked about Robert, she smiled gleefully and said, "He's so sweet. He's just... really sweet. Every time I want to get into a car, he opens the door before I can, so I don't have to undergo the rigors of moving my arm to open the door myself. He's just sweet like that. When he looks at you, you feel like you're standing under a waterfall of liquid sugar because of how sweet he is."

Robert laughed and added, "There's a lot more to this than just me. I mean, I think I just try my best to be a gentleman. Kristen is amazing. She spreads her legs more than any other slut I've ever fucked. Like, at least five or six times a day, you can be sure to find us fucking, and I don't think there is a surface in either of our houses that we have not fucked on top of. She loves sucking my dick and me cumming all over her face, and she's not afraid to take it in the ass. We love watching really raunchy pornography together and then getting out the sadomasochist leather bondage gear, because we both find intense pain to be incredibly erotic. That's probably why we constantly are wearing bandages, because at least one of us walks away from the ordeal bleeding and sobbing hysterically. I love her." Afterwards, they shared a small kiss and headed off, hand in hand, the perfect Hollywood couple.