Chick-Fil-A Hates Fags

 

 Hi bitches! :D

Step aside, Fred Phelps. There is a new face of homophobia and fiery condemnation: Chick-Fil-A. Now, I personally boycotted Chick-Fil-A years ago on the basis that their food gives me diarrhea. I personally believe that people are created equal, and that they at Chick-Fil-A should produce food for both those who have weak stomachs, and those who can ingest massive amounts of despicable vile fast food trash like it's nothing. I know Chick-Fil-A reads my blog, so when you do, heed this: stop making food that gives me diarrhea.

Despite my personal bitter vendetta against a fast-food chain, there is another battle brewing: Chick-Fil-A vs Gays. Yeah. Chick-Fil-A has decided to piss on the LGBT community, but their piss is made of frying oil. In response, our nation has decided to do the right thing; stop eating shitty fast food... or at least, at this one franchise. And of course, with every boycott, you have to have one last sandwich before you say goodbye forever. Okay, two more sandwiches, and that's it. Well, a third one can't hurt either... but then that's IT. I might eat a fourth sandwich there, but then it's over, Chick-Fil-A. Fuck you. You're a bunch of hypocrites. You make chicken sandwiches every day, and do you know what that means? You handle a lot of cocks every day.

But okay, as an objective and totally real journalist (I can call myself that because I have an online blog; sup, cable news anchors) I can see that Chick-Fil-A is just doing what their dear leader feels is right. After all, he wants to follow God and not fall short in sin by endorsing

Oh. That. Chick-Fil-A totally is not responsible for this! It's some outside independent individual who loves Chick-Fil-A, hates gay people, has Facebook, has a lot of time on his hands, and knows how to orchestrate a social media blitz in a matter of days at their whim for personal reasons. John Edward could have even done it, but then again, he's often quite busy having sex with various women while his wife lies in a hospital bed, dying of cancer. Mike Huckabee is too busy jamming on the bass guitar with popular musical artists, such as Alter Bridge and Lady GaGa or some shit, though. Geez though. There are 7 billion people in the world, and although many of them do not have computers or internet access, or shoes, running water, electricity, peace, health, food, homes, jobs, or those special cheese-cutting utensils, one of them still coulda dun it, because in these tough times around the world, you never know who is going to get involved in a fast-food-chain-political-position scandal thingy.

Hot Girl of The Week: Carrie Prejean; My Cat Attempts to Kill Me

Hello again. Let me get right to the point: I used to think I had good judgment, but that was 5 minutes ago. Thus, I give you this post, which shows how my taste in women has gone down the drain, and I provoke my cat to murder me in cold blood.

























Carrie Prejean was born approximately 2,000 years ago, in the times of Jesus of Nazareth, and as a little girl, she distinctly heard him say the following: "Surely I say unto you, gays can't get married, because marriage is for man + woman only." and she based her whole life on that whole premise.

As a youth, she quickly rose through the ranks of Beauty Pageants, which are special contests, for very special women. Thusly, she was crowned Miss California, a title which allows one to ride a float during a parade and wave to people. To be honest, I hate parades and think they're so boring that it's possible to die while watching one, which is #6 on my list of fears. #5 is my fear of getting trapped in a treasure chest, but that's another post for another time.

Unfortunately for Carrie Prejean, the judges of Miss USA (or Miss America, it was one of those, but who cares, right?) were prejudiced against Miss Prejean just because she was prejudiced against The Gays, ergo, costing her the much-prized Tiara Of Shallowness. She stood up for Traditional Marriage when asked about Gay Rights, which enraged The Left, but stirred up inspiration among The Right.

I personally have no opinion on her comment, but I personally think we should do marriage the way it was done in the Bible: With me being able to marry tons of wives.

After the beauty pageant, Carrie defended her moral high ground by releasing a barrage of leaked nude photos, and videos of her masturbating. Just tons and tons of shocking naked pictures, showing her doing the most lude things imaginable, and I was just like "Good for her... good for her." and at that point, I really grew to respect her and wanted to do heterosexual things with her.

If I had any advice for Carrie, it would be: If you have a gay judge, don't say something anti-gay, if you have a Jewish judge, don't say something anti-semetic, if you have some guy with a Brooklyn accent, don't say you're a Red Sox fan, et cetera.

I personally think Carrie and I would not work out as a couple, because my cat is a psychotic liberal bastard bitch, who scares me. To be honest, I live in constant fear of a cat attack, and always lock my door before going to bed, and sleep next to a baseball bat, although a knife might actually be better.


This is an accurate depiction of my cat:




















How did it get to this point where I live in a state of constant paranoia?


Well, a couple days ago, me and my cat were cool. I was just sitting there, and my cat was just sitting there, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, and completely out of the blue for no reason, my cat ran up to me, bit me, and gave me rabies and possibly the rage virus. The fangs of my cat penetrated clear through my hand, obviously drawing blood, and causing my friends to ask if I had developed stigmata.

I have no idea why my cat did this, because it was completely unprovoked. The only thing I can think of was that we were playing this really fun and funny game that involved me spinning my cat around and around on the linoleum floor by the tail. I was really having fun playing it, and I thought she was too, but I guess not! Damn!