The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Eminem Is Apparently Playing World of Tanks

(Click to enlarge)

So I saw this ad for "World of Tanks", a massive piece of shit game where you drive a tank and shoot other tanks with your tank, and tanks are just killing each other left and right by shooting each other with their hot tank-cum, and there are tanks humping each other left and right, and the guy tanks are just hitting on the girl tanks. It's just chaos. Now, this guy, "Kurt Knispel" looked familiar, and then it hit me: He's Marshall Mathers. He's just a regular guy, I don't know why all the fuss about him. BUT HE'S KILLING TANKS WHEN HE SHOULD BE KILLING RHYMES.

Look at this picture:

Here we see a very clear picture of Eminem, and what appears to be Tracy Morgan offering what appears to be Lady GaGa a moon-man trophy, even though clearly, neither of them have been to the moon. But look at Em's face. See the resemblance? Maybe?

World Set To End Tomorrow

 It's that time, folks. Time for the world to end. I've been saying this for years, and now it's finally here, Earth's final battle with Nibiru, aka Planet X, aka Tiamat, aka Nemesis, aka HR Paperstacks. The Zeta Lizardmen of Nibiru will no doubt overwhelm the Earth's defenses within a matter of hours, reducing our society to ruins, and wreaking havoc on our environment. Jeff Goldblum warned us this would happen, but now it's too late, and I'll never get to see Emma Stone's new sex tape, jam with One Direction, slap Justin Bieber across the face, or interview Lady GaGa.

Now you may be asking yourself: por que?

Here's the truth:

There are actually 12 planets. The Sun is the first planet, even though it's a star, and all the other planets are grains of sand compared to the sun. Our Moon (Luna) is also a planet. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Let's pretend moons like Titan, Callisto, Ganymede, Io, Europa and Triton don't exist for a minute, because otherwise, that would completely invalidate Luna as a planet. Then of course, we have the outer planets - Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (tee hee), Neptune, Pluto, Eris, and finally Nibiru. Nevermind that Pluto is smaller than many of the moons in the Solar System, it's a planet, dammit. The reason no one has ever seen Nibiru is because the Lizardmen have cloaked the planet, rendering it invisible to the naked telescope. Once the planets align, Nibiru will also crash into the Earth, I think. Whatever, we're just doomed, okay?

Chick-Fil-A Hates Fags

 

 Hi bitches! :D

Step aside, Fred Phelps. There is a new face of homophobia and fiery condemnation: Chick-Fil-A. Now, I personally boycotted Chick-Fil-A years ago on the basis that their food gives me diarrhea. I personally believe that people are created equal, and that they at Chick-Fil-A should produce food for both those who have weak stomachs, and those who can ingest massive amounts of despicable vile fast food trash like it's nothing. I know Chick-Fil-A reads my blog, so when you do, heed this: stop making food that gives me diarrhea.

Despite my personal bitter vendetta against a fast-food chain, there is another battle brewing: Chick-Fil-A vs Gays. Yeah. Chick-Fil-A has decided to piss on the LGBT community, but their piss is made of frying oil. In response, our nation has decided to do the right thing; stop eating shitty fast food... or at least, at this one franchise. And of course, with every boycott, you have to have one last sandwich before you say goodbye forever. Okay, two more sandwiches, and that's it. Well, a third one can't hurt either... but then that's IT. I might eat a fourth sandwich there, but then it's over, Chick-Fil-A. Fuck you. You're a bunch of hypocrites. You make chicken sandwiches every day, and do you know what that means? You handle a lot of cocks every day.

But okay, as an objective and totally real journalist (I can call myself that because I have an online blog; sup, cable news anchors) I can see that Chick-Fil-A is just doing what their dear leader feels is right. After all, he wants to follow God and not fall short in sin by endorsing

Oh. That. Chick-Fil-A totally is not responsible for this! It's some outside independent individual who loves Chick-Fil-A, hates gay people, has Facebook, has a lot of time on his hands, and knows how to orchestrate a social media blitz in a matter of days at their whim for personal reasons. John Edward could have even done it, but then again, he's often quite busy having sex with various women while his wife lies in a hospital bed, dying of cancer. Mike Huckabee is too busy jamming on the bass guitar with popular musical artists, such as Alter Bridge and Lady GaGa or some shit, though. Geez though. There are 7 billion people in the world, and although many of them do not have computers or internet access, or shoes, running water, electricity, peace, health, food, homes, jobs, or those special cheese-cutting utensils, one of them still coulda dun it, because in these tough times around the world, you never know who is going to get involved in a fast-food-chain-political-position scandal thingy.

Hot Celebrity Fitness Tips

YOU WILL BE DEAD.

Listen, kid. The glamor and glitz of celebz' lives come with a price: the promise by the public that if celebrities do not eat radioactive waste and shit perfection, their careers will be flushed down the toilet like a smashed spider in a kleenex. This means that physical fitness is just a part of everyday life for a hot hot celeb. But what are the secrets of the stars that help them stay so fit? I've got the scoop on that.

Here are some of their snippets of wisdom:

"Do steroids." - 50 Cent

"Do a lot of steroids." - Ryan Braun

"Do so many steroids that it's insane." - Jose Canseco

"Start every day with steroids." - Carrot Top

"I have an autistic son, and I am a brave, brave single mother." - Jenny McCarthy

"To keep myself in shape, I eat a lot of vegetables and stuff." - Katy Perry

"Where the hell am I? What's going on?" - Russell Brand

"I eat a lot of bamboo." - Lady GaGa, dressed up as a panda

"QUIT YOUR CRYING, GET ON THE TREADMILL AND GO. STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY AND GIVING ME SHIT. YOU'RE HERE TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE, AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT WORKING OUT, I WILL INCINERATE YOUR BODY IN THE FURY OF MY RAGE AND PUNT YOUR SOUL INTO THE DARKEST CREVICE OF HELL AND KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY." - Jillian Michaels

"Break Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap!" - Tonya Harding

"Be active for 30 minutes every day. Get your family involved and make it fun!" - Michelle Obama






















but, Michelle, my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is in jail for...

"GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED AND MAKE IT FUN." - Michelle Obama

It's almost Christmas 2!

Merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah to the Jews. Also, if you're into Kwanzaa, then I say a strong "Black Power!" to you, brother! Anyhow, it's that time of year again where there is magic in the air; EVIL MAGIC. I'm talking about the sorcery known as the holidays.

Yes, this stupid, chaotic, hated, loved, absolutely insane ode to commercialism/Jesus is back with a vengeance once again to terrorize downtown Tokyo while breathing fire and eating buildings as masses of Japanese people run, horrified. And let me tell you - this has been a good one, and it's not even over yet.

Yeah, I got my shopping down. I bought my brother a golden motorcycle, my sister a pink unicorn with wings, my other brother an M240, my mom a pair of wool socks, and my step-sister a huge vibrating triple-penetration dildo to stuff in her vagina so she can find it in her heart to stop being a stupid whore. And holy shit, she wants to get a chihuahua? How much more Paris Hilton can you get? Well, anyhow, I also got Eminem a signed copy of Mariah Carey's Christmas Album. I'm sure he'll really appreciate it.

I bought Rosie O'Donnell a new career, because she broke the last one.

I bought a bullhorn for Bill O'Reilly so he can yell at his guests even louder!

I picked up a really cute pair of Hello Kitty socks for 50 Cent.

I bought a Rebecca Black album for Justin Bieber.

For Lady GaGa, I made a sphinx out of fish-flavored cake and put it inside of a spherical golden cage, with a pair of conjoined motorcycle-riding twins to continuously ride around inside the cage around the sphinx.

I picked out some really nice orange jumpsuits for Lindsay Lohan.

For the Jackass crew, I cloned Ryan Dunn and created a new human being in his likeness who I have named "Brian Dunn", and he is rapidly growing and will soon be able to participate in reckless shenanigans and work on vehicles.

For Hulk Hogan, I bought him a shirt. He already ripped it in half.

I paid for some comedy classes for Olivia Munn so that she can hopefully be funny someday.

I know a lot of people have some weird problem with Barack Obama being half-white, so I bought his mother 5,000 tanning sessions and a Namibian citizenship, so she can be dark-skinned and African, which technically, would make Obama fully black.

I bought Seth MacFarlane a closet, so he can come out of it.

I bought Seth Green a bunch of Star Wars shit, because he loves that shit.

I purchased Selena Gomez a year's worth of herpes-treatment creme to get rid of those disgusting puss-filled spores that Justin Bieber gave her.

I also gave Justin Bieber a kick in the face, because I know he's been asking for one for a long time.

I didn't know what to get for Iliza Shlesinger, so I just gave her a coupon for 1 session of sexual intercourse with me.

Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about Christmas. Christmas is a [black] magic time of year, when people act like total assholes, those people stand outside of stores ringing bells for hours for menial amounts of money, tons of pine trees are mercilessly slaughtered, and a morbidly obese elf-man with levitating cervidae fly to every single house within the span of 12 hours to deliver gifts to all the little good girls and boys, little suspecting that their families already bought them shit. All of Santa's toys are manufactured by elf slave-labor and Santa Claus is a slave-master, and he must be stopped.

Also, Jesus was born? Oh, yeah - Christmas haters love to clamor on about how Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, but can't actually put their finger on exactly what that holiday was. Was it the The Winter Festival of Death, where the pagans would cut themselves around a giant bonfire and sacrificing their young virgin females to the giant wild-boar-god, Poom-Baw? Or perhaps the Scandinavian Yule, which was not actually a precursor to Christmas, and was eventually replaced with Christmas by King Haakon I of Sveden, who ruled with an iron fist, and drank the blood of his enemies from a goblet carved out of granite.

So yeah, who knows. All this "separation of church and state vs this nation is christian" rubbish just needs to be slam-dunked into the nearest trash bin. Just shut up and enjoy the goddamn holiday already!

Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and Justin Timberlake leak nude pics! SCANDAL!!!!!

Well, it's that time of year again: the days are getting shorter, the leaves are turning golden, and celebrities are leaking naked pictures of themselves "by accident". When I heard Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and JT all dropped nude pics all over the web, I was all over that action. I did extensive research to find the said pictures, but alas, my pursuit was in vain. I manage to find this picture of Scarlett Johansson's butt, which I cleverly pixelated to censor the part of her butt which is unfit for the eyes of... uhm... I'm going to say "the children". No worries, it's okay to talk about about naked celebrities, as long as we don't actually show them. I also saw that picture of Mila Kunis flashing her boobs from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I almost forgot about after being traumatized by seeing Jason Segel's penis several dozen times. I had to go to therapy for that. I didn't look for Justin Timberlake's nude pictures, cuz I ain't gay. But seriously, I hate when celebrities leak their nude pictures, and I can't find them, or they just suck. The only good one I ever saw was the alleged nude Katy Perry picture, and nobody knows if it's her because she doesn't have her make-up on. But rest assured, if any decent nude celebrity pictures emerge, I will capture them like Pokemon and force them to battle in an arena of death until one remains victorious, standing atop the dead nude bodies of it's opponents.

This reminds me. Recently, Lady GaGa accidentally flashed her tits during a red carpet event. For anyone else, this would be career-killing. But she just brushed it off, lifted her top back up, and kept posing, LIKE A BOSS. How kick-ass is that?

GaGa news

There will be a new Lady GaGa album on February 16th, 2011. Be sure to pirate it and then upload the tracks to Youtube with horribly misspelled lyrics so I can listen to them.

"Normal" Picture Of Lady GaGa; I Hate Myspace

This is Lady GaGa before The Fame overtook her. They say that fame changes people, and I guess they mean that literally.



I know I just posted a bunch of GaGa pics, but I'm not obsessed. Really. I mean, I know, last night I had a dream where Alison Angel and I were making out in the middle of the highway, and I was like "Oh, Stefani..." and she was all, like "Stefani!? You cad!" and slapped me with a white glove and then stormed off. Suddenly, I saw Lady GaGa standing there with her meat dress on, and we started getting romantic and I started eating the meat off of her. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily, and realized it was just a dream and was all "Oh, phew. Close one."

But then I made the biggest mistake of my life: I went back to sleep. I had another dream where I was watching a really super unfunny Olivia Munn segment on The Daily Show, when out of the blue, Lady GaGa came out of nowhere and kicks Olivia Munn into a giant creme pie and then grabs a mic and starts singing "Just Dance" and all these robots were dancing and I started eating the robots because I realized they were made out of meat. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily. My heart was racing. I got out of bed to splash some cold water on my face. Then I looked up at the mirror of my bathroom, and suddenly, I saw the reflection of Lady GaGa standing behind me. I woke up again, from that dream-within-a-dream scenario and was awake for reals this time.

So, today, I listened to nothing but Death Metal and Gangster Rap, so that I would be able to sleep without having those haunting images in my mind.

I also logged onto Myspace today, and of course, once again, they completely changed the user interface and site layout for no reason. To my knowledge, killing the brand-name familiarity of your website is probably is not going to increase the number of users, although, probably nothing is going bring Myspace back, not even Justin Timberlake. It's mostly a matter of one social network passing the torch onto the next one, which has happened before, and probably will happen again when someone does the obvious and invents a site like Facebook, but just far less annoying.

Speaking of Facebook, my mom is on Facebook, and she went through my "Likes", and didn't like that I liked Lady GaGa. Sure, Eminem is okay, but Lady GaGa is unacceptable. Anyhow, that's where my Lady GaGa obsession began, because in order to rebel against my parents, I have to listen to lots and lots of Lady GaGa songs.

Also, as a bonus picture... In my last post, I mentioned that there is a mouse with a human ear on it's back. Now mind you, this is real. I wanted to post a picture of it, but the pictures were kinda nazzzty, so I found a very sexy picture of the mouse-with-human-ear, being held by a naked woman, so enjoy:

Random Lady GaGa pics

Ladies, Gentlemen and Monsters who cannot get enough Stefani Germanotta in their daily lives, I hereby present a post which proves that I have 15 minutes and Google Image Search: A montage to the new Queen of Pop, Lady GaGa. To be honest, in terms of Pop Queens, I'm just glad they didn't pick a 14-year-old girl this time, however, I am glad they picked an eccentric discotheque enthusiast whose videos look like something out of a bizarre sexy nightmare where we are lost in some sort of hazy drug-fueled masquerade orgy/dystopian version of gay Heaven. I really am. This isn't sarcasm, because like a positively charged electron to a negatively charged electron, I am pulled towards weird stuff like a Law of Physics. So needless to say, there are some GaGa songs on my iPod, much to the dismay of pseudo-intellectuals who listen to sucky indie bands, which are like sucky indie- movies, but unlike their counter-parts in the cinema medium, indie-bands don't need Sundance Hippy Festival to proliferate their... wait one damn minute, I don't need to explain myself to anyone, so just enjoy the damn pictures:

BAD week for Blogging

It was a horrible week for bloggers and blogging everywhere, because my computer monitor shorted out for no reason without any warning at the crack of dawn. It now lies in ruins, as seen here:

















So, in other words, no juicy celebz gossipings, no hot girl of the week, no joy and peace to the world. During this difficult time, I spent the nights lying wide awake, wondering how the hell my life had spiraled into such a non-blogging state. During the days, I kept myself mildly entertained by playing UFC: Undisputed while drinking soy milk, blasting Lady GaGa music and cursing the sky.

So, had I been able to blog, I would've blown the roof off of some hot Lauren Conrad gossip that no one knows about, not even that shining golden bastion of pure knowledge, TMZ. It was so juicy that if this gossip were in the form of an orange, and you bit into it, juice would go flying all over your face. Juice would fly into your dog's face, and all over a baby, and all over the walls, and just generally everywhere. But it's too late. It was time-sensitive material, so I guess I can't do that.

I was also going to do a scathing hit-job story on Olivia Munn, but I decided not to, because I am very very afraid of the powers that back her. They could snap me over their knee like a really long graham cracker with ease.

The hot girl of the week was going to be... I don't know... Jessica Alba or something. I don't know nor care, because I wasn't able to do it, and this makes me want put on some Bullet For My Valentine and just start the cutting. Maybe I would've made it Olivia Munn, just to make up for all the nasty things I almost said about her, but didn't, so it doesn't count, right?

Okay, peace, nerds.