Game of War: moar liek game of whore

"Come play with me", the white-clad maiden says, staring into the camera with her beautiful blue eyes and plastic mammaries. Where have I seen this before? I can't quite recall, just something about 'making love to her against the evils' or some shit. So what do I expect from playing this game? Well, to be honest, huge battles and fornicating with seductive maidens and the occasional stint with the horrifying town wench after a night of feasting on mutton and filling my belly with so much wine that my judgement befalls. But instead, I get this bullshit:

"leave ur alliance bro"

Look, if I'm a fucking alliance, it's probably because I like my allies. They are good Protestant barons like myself who have relations to the Duchess of Burgundy, whose cousin is the Duke of Pomerania, who signed the Treaty of Lodz that promises the Princess of Lithuania will marry the King of Denmark. That is a confusing political curio that I can't just abandon because you need some allies so Brian won't send his cavalry to plunder your wheat fields, you fucking little bitch. If you can't get that through your thick skull, then you need to throw yourself out a window seriously.

Also, this game is Evony. 

And by 'Evony', I mean

illuminati.

EpicX: One Click for a Roman Orgy! CLICK IT, FAGGOT

Well, it's been a busy last couple of weeks, and right now, I guess I could use a Roman Orgy. Luckily, there's a website that offers Roman Orgies, simply for clicking your computer's mouse a single time. I don't see any downside to that. So I clicked my mouse, thinking I was in for some sexy, steamy tangle of naked humanity, and well, I got the 'steamy tangle of naked humanity' part correct, but it was really gross. It was like 80% hairy dudes, who were all sweaty, and were talking about probably the worst subjects of all time: their highest bowling averages, betting on fantasy football,  that weather, the ethics of cannibalism, string theory, beef jerky, and how much they hated their wives. All while having sex with the few females, who all had oversized implants, way too much make-up, fake blonde hair, fake collagen-filled lips, and there was a creepy cameraman with a mustache wearing a golden chain recording the whole thing.

Goddamn it, EpicX. That was some bullshit right there. I demand an apology, and for you to add a clause to your ads that says: "We at EpicX cannot absolutely guarantee the full quality of your orgy, and are not responsible for your sexual satisfaction." Also, what is this?:

Call of Roma? Roman Orgy? One click? Holy mother of squid pussyfuck. That's the exact same ad as EpicX, and even the girl is the same girl. It's like EpicX took that ad from Call of Roma and put their logo on it. Don't even get me started on this Age of Conan bullshit.

Wartune: JOIN HER IN BED! SLEEP WITH HER NOW!

I decided to try my hand at creating a Wartune advertisement. I took this original Wartune ad, which reads "Join me in battle", and crossed out "battle". I felt like the word "battle" evokes too many thoughts of carnage, and takes the mind away from her beautiful, beautiful breasts. I changed the keyword to "Bed", which seems much more appropriate, especially since it is completely misleading about the content of the game. The subtext reads "Sleep with her now!" because I felt it would help lots of sex-deprived nerds to click on the button and get started on playing Wartune. Unfortunately, nerds are not stupid, but they are horny, so this strategy works perfectly. Creators of Wartune, I sincerely hope you consider my advertisement design, and implement it in your advertising. I will not ask for any money for coming up with this concept, I just want to see my creation to be seen by the world, that's all. 

My credentials:

- I am a marketing genius. This one time, I opened a lemonade stand, and got my parents to front the cash for building the business, then I kept all the profits, which I received quarterly (GET IT????), then when the business went under, I just dumped the stand into a dumpster and got away with all the money, and it was 100% legal.

- I am in college. I did not graduate yet, although you'd think by now I'd be done. This is not important. I could forge a college degree and award it to a chicken. Would you hire that chicken? Certainly, but remember, he would just walk in as a Vice-President and be all cocky. I, on the other hand, would walk in as a janitor. Not just any janitor. I would clean the business up from the ground up. 

- I am really super-smart. My brain is immense and stores much data. This means that I am like that kid in the movie 21, where he counts the cards and makes a ton of money. I'm like fucking Will Hunting.

In conclusion, if you did not hire me to the Wartune marketing staff after reading all of this, you will have made a colossal error in judgment, and are horrendous business people. If you do, however, hire me, you will be wiser than all of King Solomon's gold!

Wartune: She Has All The Excitement You Need!

The other day, I was thinking about trying out Wartune, but then an ad popped up that told me that it wasn't worth it. It was so odd, it was like seeing an ad for Macaroni And Cheese and then a narrator saying, "Don't buy our product. It tastes terrible, and is very unhealthy! May we suggest a substitute meal instead, such as a broiled chicken breast with a sweet potato?"

So, here's the thing - Wartune is telling me that she has all the excitement I need, therefore, I do not need to indulge in video games. I just need to find an extremely fit girl with black hair that flows around as she walks, C-cup boobs, and a dislike for large amounts of clothing. Really, once I have that, I'll have all the excitement I need! Of course, people may still be tempted to play Wartune instead. These people are people who are not attracted to females. Therefore, by way of reasoning, Wartune only wants to attract homosexual nerds who love city-building RPGs for some reason that I can only logically deduce is part of some secret plot to end the world next month. If so, their plan is already too far advanced for us to do anything to stop it - we are all dead.

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Wartune: Make love to her now or something.

So I saw this ad for Wartune, a turn-based "strategy" "game", where you can't win unless you pay significant amounts of money for superior items. The game itself combines the over-used formula of city-building, and the over-used formula of mmos.

But I'm going to review this ad, rather than the game, because I'm sure the game sucks ass all by itself. First of all, "love" does not expel darkness, light does. You can't power a light source with love, it just doesn't work like that. Now, of course, everyone knows this, but hey, it sounds kind of catchy, right? No, not really. It's just there to justify the hilariously nonsensical phrase "Make love against the evils with her NOW!" which is meant to confuse dyslexic readers into seeing "Make love to her NOW!" and of course, seeing the scantily-clad, large-titted wench-archer. This has "Evony" written all over it. The city-building, the boobs, the misleading ads. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and this game could've been written by underpaid Cambodian game developers who meant to say "Use love against the evils with her NOW!", however, I still fail to see how using love is applicable in a turn-based strategy game. I also fail to see why she would be used in battle at all, considering how little armor she has to protect her heart and head from incoming missile attacks, or a ferocious ogre's battleaxe. Furthermore, is she even an archer? Why is she operating a crossbow with no gloves? Does she want to get blisters?

Furthermore, which evils am I making love to... I mean against. Or whatever. You know, I'd much rather just make love to her, but since she's not a real person, maybe I'd better just save my time by watching porn or something. I'm not sure I'm the target audience for this game, because I think too much.

Alright, time for some gossip

Oh my God, you guys. I cannot believe that I am about to drop some real gossip right now. These following posts are about to blow your mind.

You can only brace yourself for the sheer power of these words by holding onto something solid, like a stripper pole. You have been warned.

As you can see, I now have a snazzy logo which I designed myself for maximum pinkness. I also color-coordinated the page's other pinks to match the title pinks. Think of the implications of this. If I had done say, pink and purple (Which totally don't match), then you'd be like "Ah, you don't know what you're talking aboot, eh." but since the pinks now match, the legitimacy of my words has gone up by 9999%. That is like, a lot.

I also wrote a long disclaimer on my site to prevent Evony from suing me. I know that Evony occasionally sues bloggers, so I decided to play on the side of litigious safety, and scrap that contract with the public together, along with my crack team of imaginary attorneys, who are all weasels. Adorable, furry weasels.

viva la revolucion!