Madonna To Suck A Million Dicks

If you're a male, Madonna wants your cum in her mouth!

JCG 2016 Election Coverage -- Last Thursday, Madonna "Madonna" Madonna put forth a tantalizing offer for every male who ever wanted to receive fellatio from a 60-year-old pop star with a fake English accent: To suck the dick of every man who would vote for Hillary Clinton. So far, millions of American males have signed up to have their genitals slurped by the aging Kabbala enthusiast in exchange for their allegiance to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. As of yet, it is not clear why Madonna has put forth this proposition, and the perplexing contingency is not lost on the receivers of the head. 

Stephen Banker, a 36-year-old attorney from Arkansas, spoke to JCG while waiting in the miles-long line to have his phallus engaged orally by the Material Girl herself. "I don't know why she wants to suck my dick." Banker said, adding, "I think a presidential candidate should be chosen on the merit of their policies, not for sexual reasons, but hey - head is head." Banker's wife, Hanna Banker, was initially upset with her husband for going to Madonna, but has come around, evidently. "Stephen has always wanted to get his dick sucked by Madonna," Mrs. Banker explained, "And I don't like Donald Trump, so this will get him to vote for Hillary, so our votes won't just cancel each other out, and this just kind of works."

Other men weren't so lucky. James Westville, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, left his long-time girlfriend of 20 years to plug Madonna's mouth-hole with his member. "I loved [my girlfriend]," Westville explained, "But this is Madonna we're talking about. I can't pass this opportunity to get my dick between her lips. She may be old now, but that just means she has experience."

According to Madonna's publicist, Madonna has trained hard to prepare for the onslaught of cocks that would be cumming her way in lieu of her offer. She is reported to have done 100 tongue-push-ups per day, and has an IV attached to her arm to keep her body hydrated and prevent chafing on the interior of her mouth. She will not eat for the next 16 days, at least, not a conventional meal. Human sperm is high in protein and essential nutrients, and she will be using the high vitality of a semen-based diet to maintain her stamina. 

We, of course, wish her the best in her mission!

Ariana Grande Hates America

"May the United States burn in hell" - Ariana Grande

Pop-star, singer, songwriter, movie star. These are just a few words that describe the incredibly talented and beautiful artist in Ariana Grande. However, when it comes to the land of the free, she has some choice words for America, the beautiful. "Fuck America.", Ariana said in an interview with Misinformation Weekly, "This whole country is trash. It's garbage. I hate all of these disgusting people around me, I hate apple pie, and I hate that goddamn flag."

Critics of Ms. Grande have been cited as being 'offended', and one stated that if she disliked living in the United States so pointedly, that she should "just get the fuck out". Grande scoffed at such a proposition, replying, "Wow, you little fuckers. You don't know me. You don't know my life. I will go ham on your lilly asses. You do not want to see me ascend to my final form and vaporize you. I will throw my fucking chicken McNuggets at you, and if I see you in the streets, I'm slapping the shit out of you."

A spokesperson for Ariana Grande gave a much more muted statement, saying,

"While we understand that some people may be upset by Ms. Grande's words, keep in mind that she has every right to her opinion, and you should respect that. You should also know that she's extremely talented, beautiful, and a great singer, and you're just jealous of her. It's jealous people like you that make the world a horrible place. I hope you drown in shit."

Ariana Grande's fans gave a mixed reaction to Ariana's words:

"What the fuck is this article, this is a fucking lie, take this page down if you're going to lie." - Stacy Hillberg, Colorado Springs, CO

"Ariana did NOT ever say that. She only said she hates how Americans are for being so out-of-control with the amount of junk food they consume and she APOLOGIZED for that, so get over it, you asshole. Ugh, you're the kind of person that makes me hate people." - Alice Hernandez, Colorado Springs, CO

"Uhhhh, no? This didn't happen? You can't just make shit up on the internet. That's pathetic. I bet you're a bald, fat, 40-year-old virgin that lives in your mom's basement. You have nothing in life and that's why you're willing to sit down and TALK SHIT about Ariana." - Fillipe Articuno, Colorado Springs, CO

"Delete your blog." - Jenelle Jackson, Colorado Springs, CO

"wtf ur soooo retarded ariana never said that!!! i wish ppl like u would go away forever!!! this seriously makes me want to cry with how mean ppl are in the world!!!" - Jacob Haroldsmann, Colorado Springs, CO

"Why didn't they let me play Donald Trump? Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression is garbage compared to mine. Bitch move, SNL." - Darrell Hammond, Colorado Springs, CO

"This is fucking hilarious! You made my day, dude! :D" - Erin Pearson, Colorado Springs, CO

Game of War: moar liek game of whore

"Come play with me", the white-clad maiden says, staring into the camera with her beautiful blue eyes and plastic mammaries. Where have I seen this before? I can't quite recall, just something about 'making love to her against the evils' or some shit. So what do I expect from playing this game? Well, to be honest, huge battles and fornicating with seductive maidens and the occasional stint with the horrifying town wench after a night of feasting on mutton and filling my belly with so much wine that my judgement befalls. But instead, I get this bullshit:

"leave ur alliance bro"

Look, if I'm a fucking alliance, it's probably because I like my allies. They are good Protestant barons like myself who have relations to the Duchess of Burgundy, whose cousin is the Duke of Pomerania, who signed the Treaty of Lodz that promises the Princess of Lithuania will marry the King of Denmark. That is a confusing political curio that I can't just abandon because you need some allies so Brian won't send his cavalry to plunder your wheat fields, you fucking little bitch. If you can't get that through your thick skull, then you need to throw yourself out a window seriously.

Also, this game is Evony. 

And by 'Evony', I mean

illuminati.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Casey Anthony

Hi mom

WOW SUCH BEAUTY MUCH INNOCENCE WOw

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME SICK FACTS OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC TO YOU LITTLE KIDS SO TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF YOUR MOM'S NIPPLE FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO YOUR NEW GOD. CASEY ANTHONY IS HOT. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT. IS SHE INSANE? NO, SHE'S THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A CRAZY WORLD. WHY WOULD I DEFEND A WOMAN WHO PROBABLY KILLED HER OFFSPRING? LOOK AT THOSE TITS. THOSE TITS DON'T LIE. NOR DO THOSE HIPS. THEY TELL A TALE OF A DELICIOUS VAGINA THAT LURKS BETWEEN THE VALLEYS OF HER BEAUTIFUL PALE-ASS LEGS, WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LASER-GUIDED SPIKED PENIS, 5,000 LBS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE SEMEN DESIGNED BY MILITARY ENGINEERS TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO HER BUNKER AND BUST IT.  d

"But dude, that's really offensive..."

Take the dick out of your ass for five seconds. You all may be aware by now that this bitch be crazy, and crazy bitches are always the best in bed. More crazy = more bed-power. Would attack me with a stapler? Maybe. Would she impale my cat onto the wall with a nail gun? Maybe. Would she drug me with bath salts and throw me into a bin of medical waste? Probably. But I still think, somewhere, deep down inside of her, there is a woman with a wet vagina that is unoccupied by dick, and I have sympathy for her. 

And when my parents read this, they'll probably have to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style into the Grand Canyon and explode in a massive fireball of fire. Good. I'm an adult now, and this is my way of rebelling. Oh, and you thought I'd just resort to wearing tight jeans, listening to Hawthorne Heights while sobbing, pretending to be bisexual and smoking the marijuana leaves to let you know that I am an angry young man!?!?!? EFF THAT, I'm not stopping sleeping with highly questionable women until I have AIDS and Cancer, even if it's not medically possible to get cancer through sexual transmission, but if we can put a man on the moon, someday, it WILL be possible.

Wait, whoa. What is the point of this again?

Oh yeah

So uh, did she do it? Not with me. I don't know about that court thing, but they said "Not guilty", and hey, I have full faith in the American Justice System, because there is no way it can be flawed. Unfortunately, Casey and I simply won't work out as a couple because she is in hiding, for fear of her life. I need a woman who is able to go to Dairy Queen with me and sip ice cream shakes together. I can't do that if I'm constantly worried someone will run up to her and stab her. And what if Slenderman comes after her? Then we're both fucked. Nobody can stop that guy.

PEACE!

NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."

Ellen Page is a Lesbian

Bam. JCG's stamp of approval for Ellen Page's lesbianism. I personally find this turn of events to be rather unsurprising considering that she just gave me that lesbo vibe. I don't know exactly what it was, but I suspected it, just like I suspect Oprah is a lesbian as well. It is my sincere hope that Ellen Page releases photos of her making out with other girls while nude soon, cuz this boner ain't gonna take care of itself, and my girlfriend is in Colorado on a "business trip" where I bet she's screwing her boss, that fucking skank. And if you read this, Paulina, and you don't return my phone calls, I swear to god I will go fucking ballistic. I will shake the foundations of the earth. You better pick up your fucking phone, because I'm tired of your fucking games, bitch.

But uh, anyhow, congratulations to Ellen Page for being gay and stuff, and we here at JCG wish her nothing but the best in her quest for same-sex pussy. However, our sources cannot confirm if she was born a lesbian or simply "converted", which my girlfriend did before we started going out, because we met as friends and then she said she had feelings for me, and I was like well I thought you was a lesbian and then she just kissed me, and JESUS PAULINA I LOVE YOU. PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE. PLEASE.

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Was Real Housewives' Dress Too Small?

The Oscars were not without controversy, because if they were without controversy, they'd be even more boring than usual. Brandi Glanville, from Real Housewives of Compton (or something like that) wore the dress you see above. Some have criticized the dress as being "tacky". Here's my take on it: it should've been smaller. Come on, is it really necessary for celebrities to wear "clothes" these days? I think someday, a celebrity just needs to come to the Oscars completely nude. If no one has the balls to do it, I will become famous, then star in an Academy-award nominated movie just to do it. 

Anyone who didn't like this dress is probably just jealous and a hater and mad and a hater. Life is too short, so wear dresses that are too short. Or not tall enough. Or just take your boobs out. Any of those will work.

#boobs

Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

Dan Marino Has a Love-Child.

Dan Marino, giving the "thumbs up". "The sex was good." He said, speaking of his mistress.

WELL FOLKS, GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A LOVE-CHILD? Long-time football-guy-man-dude-thing, Dan Marino. But why? Why do so many celebrity men have extra-marital affairs? Dr. Stanley Lynn of the University of Puerto Rico, a specialist in field of Female Anatomy, explained, "Celebrity men who cheat on their wives are all governed by a principle which I have hypothesized in my many, many scientific journals, which sadly, nobody will ever read. Anyhow, my hypothesis basically combines the factors of the male penis, which is stimulated by the visualization of a female. This is a preliminary finding, but I believe males, generally, are inherently designed to actually want to insert their penises into the female vagina, without fear of the dreaded vaginal teeth that have been rumored to exist."

A spokesperson for Christian Families Living Unrealistically Perfect Lives, a non-profit group devoted to denouncing everything, denounced Dr. Lynn's findings, saying "We sincerely believe that once a man is wed to a woman through marriage with the proper legal documentation, that the all-powerful, infinitely supreme being beyond all of our comprehension and possible grasp of knowledge of his true nature, who could cause all of existence to cease by blinking, does not want men to stick their junk into any other woman besides the woman he signed those papers with."

Marino himself commented on the situation, saying, "Look. I take full responsibility for my actions, and by that, I mean I actually take zero responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be punished, and I will say whatever I possibly can to convince my family and fans to keep watching football shows that include me in them. What I did was very wrong, I mean, EXTREMELY wrong, however, in a contradictory thought juxtaposed to the prior half of this sentence, I have no regrets about anything. I mean, the sex was hot. Real hot. I loved squeezing her boobs and putting my dick in her pussy. Then, I would also cum. That part always made my dick feel just fantastic. However, the whole time, I was all like 'I hope my wife doesn't find out about this', but dang it, she found out! Haha, ya got me. You got me good."

Then, right there, at the press conference, a chimpanzee spontaneously combusted.

EpicX: One Click for a Roman Orgy! CLICK IT, FAGGOT

Well, it's been a busy last couple of weeks, and right now, I guess I could use a Roman Orgy. Luckily, there's a website that offers Roman Orgies, simply for clicking your computer's mouse a single time. I don't see any downside to that. So I clicked my mouse, thinking I was in for some sexy, steamy tangle of naked humanity, and well, I got the 'steamy tangle of naked humanity' part correct, but it was really gross. It was like 80% hairy dudes, who were all sweaty, and were talking about probably the worst subjects of all time: their highest bowling averages, betting on fantasy football,  that weather, the ethics of cannibalism, string theory, beef jerky, and how much they hated their wives. All while having sex with the few females, who all had oversized implants, way too much make-up, fake blonde hair, fake collagen-filled lips, and there was a creepy cameraman with a mustache wearing a golden chain recording the whole thing.

Goddamn it, EpicX. That was some bullshit right there. I demand an apology, and for you to add a clause to your ads that says: "We at EpicX cannot absolutely guarantee the full quality of your orgy, and are not responsible for your sexual satisfaction." Also, what is this?:

Call of Roma? Roman Orgy? One click? Holy mother of squid pussyfuck. That's the exact same ad as EpicX, and even the girl is the same girl. It's like EpicX took that ad from Call of Roma and put their logo on it. Don't even get me started on this Age of Conan bullshit.

Emma Stone Makes a Sex Tape

So, Emma Stone made a sex tape. And uh... yeah.

Wartune: JOIN HER IN BED! SLEEP WITH HER NOW!

I decided to try my hand at creating a Wartune advertisement. I took this original Wartune ad, which reads "Join me in battle", and crossed out "battle". I felt like the word "battle" evokes too many thoughts of carnage, and takes the mind away from her beautiful, beautiful breasts. I changed the keyword to "Bed", which seems much more appropriate, especially since it is completely misleading about the content of the game. The subtext reads "Sleep with her now!" because I felt it would help lots of sex-deprived nerds to click on the button and get started on playing Wartune. Unfortunately, nerds are not stupid, but they are horny, so this strategy works perfectly. Creators of Wartune, I sincerely hope you consider my advertisement design, and implement it in your advertising. I will not ask for any money for coming up with this concept, I just want to see my creation to be seen by the world, that's all. 

My credentials:

- I am a marketing genius. This one time, I opened a lemonade stand, and got my parents to front the cash for building the business, then I kept all the profits, which I received quarterly (GET IT????), then when the business went under, I just dumped the stand into a dumpster and got away with all the money, and it was 100% legal.

- I am in college. I did not graduate yet, although you'd think by now I'd be done. This is not important. I could forge a college degree and award it to a chicken. Would you hire that chicken? Certainly, but remember, he would just walk in as a Vice-President and be all cocky. I, on the other hand, would walk in as a janitor. Not just any janitor. I would clean the business up from the ground up. 

- I am really super-smart. My brain is immense and stores much data. This means that I am like that kid in the movie 21, where he counts the cards and makes a ton of money. I'm like fucking Will Hunting.

In conclusion, if you did not hire me to the Wartune marketing staff after reading all of this, you will have made a colossal error in judgment, and are horrendous business people. If you do, however, hire me, you will be wiser than all of King Solomon's gold!

Inside Kristen and Robert's Amazing Relationship

What's the secret to Twilight co-stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's fairy-tale relationship? Fans around the world look to this couple's relationship for inspiration, and vicariously share in their happiness as they strut down the red carpets, holding hands and smiling, almost beyond their own control, as the love unspoken seeks to escape their mouths, much like the warm flood of vomit after eating my Grandma's infamous cheesy potato recipe. However, in Hollywood, relationships seem to crack under brutal tabloid pressure like taking a package of graham crackers and crushing them in your mighty fist. 

When asked how the relationship is holding up so well in a tumultuous and fast-paced tinseltown atmosphere, both answered quite differently, but both had amazing advice. Kristen, when asked about Robert, she smiled gleefully and said, "He's so sweet. He's just... really sweet. Every time I want to get into a car, he opens the door before I can, so I don't have to undergo the rigors of moving my arm to open the door myself. He's just sweet like that. When he looks at you, you feel like you're standing under a waterfall of liquid sugar because of how sweet he is."

Robert laughed and added, "There's a lot more to this than just me. I mean, I think I just try my best to be a gentleman. Kristen is amazing. She spreads her legs more than any other slut I've ever fucked. Like, at least five or six times a day, you can be sure to find us fucking, and I don't think there is a surface in either of our houses that we have not fucked on top of. She loves sucking my dick and me cumming all over her face, and she's not afraid to take it in the ass. We love watching really raunchy pornography together and then getting out the sadomasochist leather bondage gear, because we both find intense pain to be incredibly erotic. That's probably why we constantly are wearing bandages, because at least one of us walks away from the ordeal bleeding and sobbing hysterically. I love her." Afterwards, they shared a small kiss and headed off, hand in hand, the perfect Hollywood couple.

Wartune: She Has All The Excitement You Need!

The other day, I was thinking about trying out Wartune, but then an ad popped up that told me that it wasn't worth it. It was so odd, it was like seeing an ad for Macaroni And Cheese and then a narrator saying, "Don't buy our product. It tastes terrible, and is very unhealthy! May we suggest a substitute meal instead, such as a broiled chicken breast with a sweet potato?"

So, here's the thing - Wartune is telling me that she has all the excitement I need, therefore, I do not need to indulge in video games. I just need to find an extremely fit girl with black hair that flows around as she walks, C-cup boobs, and a dislike for large amounts of clothing. Really, once I have that, I'll have all the excitement I need! Of course, people may still be tempted to play Wartune instead. These people are people who are not attracted to females. Therefore, by way of reasoning, Wartune only wants to attract homosexual nerds who love city-building RPGs for some reason that I can only logically deduce is part of some secret plot to end the world next month. If so, their plan is already too far advanced for us to do anything to stop it - we are all dead.

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Sarah Palin Gets Naked For America

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and present-day Fox News Contributor has shocked the nation with her raunchy photoshoot showing the former Governor's more natural physical attributes. Palin  has been crusading to keep tuna fish in schools, after lawmakers threatened to ban tuna fish sandwiches in public schools because, according to the superintendent of a school district in Columbus, OH, "They smell like puke." which received little attention until one day, Sarah Palin was giving a speech to a small and very bored drowsy little audience, who yielded little enthusiasm until Mrs. Palin decided to remove her clothes. "I had to get their attention, and boy did that do the trick!" Palin commented afterwards, adding, "This has really brought a lot of attention to the pro-tuna grizzly moms around America who want to make sure their kids are getting a proper daily nutrition of tuna."

To keep the pro-tuna movement alive, Palin has made a number of appearances around country, giving speeches, and stripping completely naked, revealing her naked boobs and vagina to thousands of people. "We thought Sarah Palin might be losing relevance," Conservative commentator Ricky Barney said on Fox's Say Whatever You Want program, "this just shows that even during a big election like this one, a woman can still stay relevant to the national dialogue. That says a lot about how far we've come as a country. She is truly an innovator on the political landscape of this great nation, and her pussy is in surprisingly good shape."

Palin allegedly put in 40 days of training and dieting to prepare it for full-frontal nudity, as she has pledged to maximize her attractiveness during her country-wide tour to save tuna fish sandwiches in schools. When asked if she would continue getting completely naked or possibly even escalating her theater to lewd sex acts, the former Governor smiled brightly, her perky tits jiggling back and forth as she shifted her sitting position and answered, "You betcha! These kids in school deserve real American tuna. I'll do whatever I can to make sure the naysayers in the mainstream media get real and start telling the truth!"

Democrats argue that her nudity actually distracts from the issue of the Separation of Tuna and State, as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Believing with you that the consumption of tuna is a matter which lies solely between an individual and his family, that he owes account to none other for his fish or his walleye, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of the consumption of tuna fish, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Tuna and State." but critics of the Democratic Party have argued "As long as you keep this up, the more naked Sarah Palin is going to be."

Wartune: Make love to her now or something.

So I saw this ad for Wartune, a turn-based "strategy" "game", where you can't win unless you pay significant amounts of money for superior items. The game itself combines the over-used formula of city-building, and the over-used formula of mmos.

But I'm going to review this ad, rather than the game, because I'm sure the game sucks ass all by itself. First of all, "love" does not expel darkness, light does. You can't power a light source with love, it just doesn't work like that. Now, of course, everyone knows this, but hey, it sounds kind of catchy, right? No, not really. It's just there to justify the hilariously nonsensical phrase "Make love against the evils with her NOW!" which is meant to confuse dyslexic readers into seeing "Make love to her NOW!" and of course, seeing the scantily-clad, large-titted wench-archer. This has "Evony" written all over it. The city-building, the boobs, the misleading ads. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and this game could've been written by underpaid Cambodian game developers who meant to say "Use love against the evils with her NOW!", however, I still fail to see how using love is applicable in a turn-based strategy game. I also fail to see why she would be used in battle at all, considering how little armor she has to protect her heart and head from incoming missile attacks, or a ferocious ogre's battleaxe. Furthermore, is she even an archer? Why is she operating a crossbow with no gloves? Does she want to get blisters?

Furthermore, which evils am I making love to... I mean against. Or whatever. You know, I'd much rather just make love to her, but since she's not a real person, maybe I'd better just save my time by watching porn or something. I'm not sure I'm the target audience for this game, because I think too much.

Anderson Cooper: "I'm straight."

For years now, the sexual orientation of CNN's Anderson Cooper has been a topic of much discussion and controversy. Cooper did little to ease rumors that he was gay, stating, "It's not important whether I'm straight or gay. What matters is that I'm a journalist. My personal life has nothing to do with that shit."

Finally, though, Anderson Cooper came clean, stating, "To be honest, I'm straight, and I have always been straight. I thoroughly enjoy looking at women's boobs and vaginas, and also making love to the vaginas, sometimes while touching the breasts." This response left everyone quiet. Then someone spoke up and asked "Are you sure you're straight." Anderson Cooper looked down, then quietly said "Yeah... yeah, it's true. I've never thought about sliding my penis in and out of a sexy male's ass as we both sweat while making love and become one. I'm all about vaginas."

So, there you have it. Anderson Cooper is straight as the crow flies.

Report: The Octomom to Act In Porn; Standard Craziness

 This is Nadya Suleman, just your average mother of 14 children. Over the years, really meanie weenie people have questioned whether or not she is able to be a good mother to so many children while working so hard on so many projects, like posing in a bed with a bunch of plastic baby dolls:

 Now we know the answer to that question...

Yes.

Nadya Suleman, with her new-and-improved bionic body, has decided to put her vagina to work once again, but this time, IT'S PERSONAL. Just like any loving mother would, Nadya Suleman has turned to pornography to "liberate herself sexually and feel like a new person" put food on the table for her children. I mean, I wish my mom had done this when I was a kid; then I could maybe get that Sega Genesis I wanted... but it's too late now. I'm all grown-up and realize that Sega Genesis sucks. Sonic The Hedgehog sucks.

And yes, that picture is real, and that is a purple dildo next to some scented candles. Somehow, this picture is even MORE disturbing when it's censored, because if you haven't seen the actual picture, your imagination starts to run wild with what is under those black boxes. Don't. Just don't go down that route. Think about adorable kittens running through tall grass, chasing butterflies to Sarah McLachlan music. That's only advice I can give to you. Erase everything from your mind.

As for the children, initial reports are that no one knows their names, but they will probably never have to worry about ever having these videos of their mom being sent to them as a cruel, cruel high school prank, or needing any kind of counseling for any sort of emotional issues that might arise from living with a single mother who does pornography and reality TV for living with your 13 other siblings, because statistics show that this situation has happened exactly zero times.