Hot Girl Of The Week: Casey Anthony

Hi mom

WOW SUCH BEAUTY MUCH INNOCENCE WOw

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME SICK FACTS OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC TO YOU LITTLE KIDS SO TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF YOUR MOM'S NIPPLE FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO YOUR NEW GOD. CASEY ANTHONY IS HOT. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT. IS SHE INSANE? NO, SHE'S THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A CRAZY WORLD. WHY WOULD I DEFEND A WOMAN WHO PROBABLY KILLED HER OFFSPRING? LOOK AT THOSE TITS. THOSE TITS DON'T LIE. NOR DO THOSE HIPS. THEY TELL A TALE OF A DELICIOUS VAGINA THAT LURKS BETWEEN THE VALLEYS OF HER BEAUTIFUL PALE-ASS LEGS, WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LASER-GUIDED SPIKED PENIS, 5,000 LBS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE SEMEN DESIGNED BY MILITARY ENGINEERS TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO HER BUNKER AND BUST IT.  d

"But dude, that's really offensive..."

Take the dick out of your ass for five seconds. You all may be aware by now that this bitch be crazy, and crazy bitches are always the best in bed. More crazy = more bed-power. Would attack me with a stapler? Maybe. Would she impale my cat onto the wall with a nail gun? Maybe. Would she drug me with bath salts and throw me into a bin of medical waste? Probably. But I still think, somewhere, deep down inside of her, there is a woman with a wet vagina that is unoccupied by dick, and I have sympathy for her. 

And when my parents read this, they'll probably have to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style into the Grand Canyon and explode in a massive fireball of fire. Good. I'm an adult now, and this is my way of rebelling. Oh, and you thought I'd just resort to wearing tight jeans, listening to Hawthorne Heights while sobbing, pretending to be bisexual and smoking the marijuana leaves to let you know that I am an angry young man!?!?!? EFF THAT, I'm not stopping sleeping with highly questionable women until I have AIDS and Cancer, even if it's not medically possible to get cancer through sexual transmission, but if we can put a man on the moon, someday, it WILL be possible.

Wait, whoa. What is the point of this again?

Oh yeah

So uh, did she do it? Not with me. I don't know about that court thing, but they said "Not guilty", and hey, I have full faith in the American Justice System, because there is no way it can be flawed. Unfortunately, Casey and I simply won't work out as a couple because she is in hiding, for fear of her life. I need a woman who is able to go to Dairy Queen with me and sip ice cream shakes together. I can't do that if I'm constantly worried someone will run up to her and stab her. And what if Slenderman comes after her? Then we're both fucked. Nobody can stop that guy.

PEACE!

Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: BOXXY

 This is going to be the worst best thing I've ever done, period.

In an increasingly inconsistent and poorly-planned manner, Hot Girl of Ze Week marches on, and I present to you one of my favorite hot girls: Catie "Boxxy" Wayne. She catapulted to fame after some random person posted in the "you rage, you lose" thread, in which you have to subject yourself to various annoyances without getting angry for the arbitrary pride of winning. You don't even get a cheap plastic trophy for it. Well, as it so happens, people actually responded positively, and MoldyLunchBoxx's vids caused World War 3. China declared war and mobilized 20,000,000 troops, along with 5,000 vehicles, 500 warships, and deployed 1,200 nuclear-tipped ICBMs. After the destruction was over, Boxxy died, but then came back to life and revealed that the spastic alter-ego "Boxxy" was a ruse, leading us all to axe ourselfs, "Was it all part of a plot????"

Now, here's what I like about Boxxy - she's utterly insane, kind of like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, who I also find hot for the same reason. I want the kind of girl who will chop my penis off my sleep and throw it on the side of the road because she looked at my cellphone and saw a girl named "Christine" in my contacts. Now, whatever you may think of Boxxy, whether good or bad, one thing is clear: Even if the 'character' is a facade, to produce such a character, you need to have an element of that character's being in your imagination, which puts them deep in your consciousness. This leads to my hypothesis that giraffes should sprout wings and fly away to Mars, and also that Boxxy might actually be crazy irl, and could possibly be capable of cutting someone's cock off.

If I could give one piece of advice to Boxxy, it would be: black shirt, black room, black hair, black eye-liner AROUND the eyes. Stick to the formula. Also, don't listen to Svetlana, she is a bitch and her cat is a bitch.

Unfortunately, I don't think Boxxy and I are incapable as a couple, because anyone who marries Boxxy will be targeted for assassination by an elite team of international death-ninjas, most of whom are Asian and can fly. If death-ninjas attacked, I would only be able to kill 7 out of 10 ninjas before being slain; seven is my limit to anti-ninja combat, I'm working on increasing that number by doing 5,000 crunches a day and eating nothing but fresh cucumbers for a month. The ninjas, of course, would employed by a 4chan.org's largest division, The Newfags. Within The Newfag order, there is a subdivision of fags known as The Boxxyfags, who defend their 'queen' to death, and for me to violate her with my penis would break their strict code of Boxxy-Purity. There are more Boxxyfags than Smith clones. There number is equal to exactly infinity plus five. That means I couldn't possibly beat them all off. I would just spend all my beating them off; just beating off tons and tons of horny, angry men, so yeah, I think for this reason, Boxxy might not be ideal for me as a potential girlfriend. Bye, Addy!

 

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: JESSICA FUCKING WILLIAMS

 THIS POST IS WAY LONG OVERDUE BECAUSE IT JUST IS OKAY? OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF OUR EVER-MORE-DUBIOUSLY-NAMED SERIES, HOT GIRL OF DA WEEK FOCUSES ON JESSICA WILLIAMS. SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO "THE DAILY SHOW", INCLUDING JON STEWART, OR BEEF STEW, AS HE IS KNOWN. JESSICA WILLIAMS IS A COMEDIENNETTE WHO WAS SENT BY THE GODS OF COMEDY AND HER BODY AND MIND WERE CARVED OUT OF THE MOST VALUABLE METALS IN THE UNIVERSE AND ENDOWED WITH THE POWER TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY SEGMENT THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE BY THE DAILY SHOW, INCLUDING ONES IN THE PAST AND FUTURE, AND ONES THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN IN. OLIVIA MUNN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER. IN FACT, SAMANTHA BEE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER.

Okay, let's calm down here, and get a grip on things. If she ever read this, she'd probably be really creeped out so I need to make sure I add that this is complete a satirical post, and please don't be mad that I left 46 voicemails on your cellphone and keep leaving flowers on your porch even though you told me to stop or you'd call the police. I just think you, Jessica Williams, are amazing. You are funny. You are sexy. You are perfect. You are perfection manifested in the form of a Daily Show correspondent. Oh my God. Screw this, I might as well pour my heart out right here and now. Jessica, I am obsessed with you. I wish I could clone you so there could be more yous to love. I want to have at least 20 children with you after we make sweet love like 9 times a day. I want to buy you a giant Hershey's chocolate bar, and drive by your house like 2 times a day just for a chance of...

...uh...

I think I may have overdone it a little.

If I could give any advice to Jessica Williams, it would be: Damn gurl, u sexy.


 Unfortunately, I do not think me and Jessica would make a good couple, because I'm a Libra and she's some other zodiac thing probably. Also, I'm white. She's black. I know, it's the 2000s and all, but still, what if she doesn't like white guys!? What if she's gone black... that means she'll never go back! My penis won't be large enough, and she'll be like "Is it in yet?" and I'll be like "It's been in for the last 30 seconds." because it's just not of black-man caliber. LIFE IS SO CRUEL. LIFE... IS.... SO... CRUEL... WQ$(RETW#ERJFGIERJGFEIPOEWSDKFJS. OMG JESSICA WILLIAMS PLEASE MARRY ME, YOU ARE THE ONLY WOMAN FOR ME. HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN ANYMORE... I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU ONLY. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Hot Girl Of The Week: Jenna Talackova

This is most right post I've ever blogged on any blog site.

Let me ask you a philosophical question. Have you ever eaten a hotdog? Yes?

THEN YOU GAY.

Jenna Talackova is a lovely young woman with gorgeous locks of blonde hair and a smile that could melt a shark. Every blood cell in my body is like totally in love with her and I want to be with her. I want to want to watch a romantic movie with her while we cuddle together in the big chair, and begin kissing each other passionately. Then, I would carry her to my bedroom and...

Okay, I've just been informed mid-sentence that Jenna Talackova was born as a man, and I totally can't edit my paragraphs once I've typed them.

Holy shit! She's like, the hottest guy I've ever seen.














In my life, I've never known which kind of bros I've wanted to hang with. Do I try to hang with the cool bros who love football and get tribal arm-band tattoos? Do I hang out with my fellow nerd bros and talk about Lord Of The Rings all day and night? Do I hang out with black bros who use a lot of obscure urban vernacular that I can barely follow? I've never known the true answer to these questions. None of them seem like the right 'fit' for me. When I heard about Jenna, I knew at once what the truth was. I want to hang out with bros who have vaginas and look like female supermodels.

Look at this:




















Click to enlarge (the picture)

Now look at the boobs. Definitely totally fake. Look down at the bikini. Observe carefully the shape that forms when the bikini clings to the flesh. That is not a dick-shape. That is most certainly a vulva-shape. How did that vulva get there? I don't know. I don't really care about the whole semantic process, because the end result is completely acceptable.

"BUT BRO, SHE USED TO BE A GUY."

Yes, there used to be a penis there. I'm not debating that. If your girlfriend/wife has ever had sex with anyone other than yourself, then TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, there was a penis in HER private-area as well. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? Heck yes I did, and now you're thinking about renouncing your religion. Don't do it. You need your faith in order to know who you're supposed to hate.

So, long story short, I'd fuck her.

If I had any advice for Jenna, it would be: OH SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID IDIOT! FUCK, WE'RE ALL DEAD, GET THE FUCK OUT!

Unfortunately, I don't think our relationship would last, because she is a supermodel/beauty queen, and I'm like whatever the opposite of that is. My physique is so appallingly grotesque that I make the Tree-Man look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. This one time, I looked at a mirror, and my reflection puked. Another time, I looked at a baby, and it's head exploded, which lead to the mother suing me for eight million dollars (Like I can afford that kind of coin), but since she was holding the baby at the time of the incident, and there was no concrete evidence that my ugliness directly caused the baby's head to combust, so the jury found me not guilty. I later published a book about the incident titled "If I actually did it", detailing how I would hypothetically cause the lady's baby's head to explode, if I wanted to, which I don't. The book only sold 7 copies and my Publisher told me to "get the fuck out of her office".

Dead Girl Of The Week: Whitney Houston

Warning: Some people may find this post offensive. If you find that you are offended by things that are clearly offensive, then I would recommend you close this blog and visit a more appropriate site for you.

You have been warned.

































Whitney Houston died.













RAWRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOO SHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT

WHY GOD WHY

A short bio on the life of Whitney Houston: Whitney Houston was born in Houston (hence, her name) in 19something9. At the young age of 27, she auditioned for a college musical called Why Are Musicals So Gay? and some very powerful illuminati talent scouts were chillin' in the audience that night. Four months later, she was signed to a record label, and released her first album: Whitney Houston: The Hits, because she figured she'd release a "best of" album immediately, because all of her songs were the best. Shortly afterwards, she started smoking crack. She smoked a lot of crack. Just tons and tons of crack. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, when asked about her crack addiction, Whitney Houston said "Diane, let me make something clear. If there was a 25th hour in each day, I'd smoke crack during that hour, as well as all the other hours. The amount of crack in each of those said hours is enough to instantly kill a healthy race horse. Stevie Wonder considers me to be his mentor. When I eat powdered donuts, I use cocaine instead of powdered sugar. Once, while I was in grade school, I was smoking crack in the front of the class. My teacher stopped the lesson and said 'Whitney, give me that crack pipe', and I asked her why. She said I shouldn't be smoking crack unless I brought enough for everybody, and let me tell you - I did. Have you ever seen a room filled with 30 fifth graders on crack? I have, but I was also on crack at the time."

If I had any advice for Whitney Houston it would be: When you come back as a zombie, do not eat Bobby Brown's brain. It's almost certainly going to be filled with crack cocaine thoughts.

I don't think Whitney Houston and I would make a good couple because she's dead, and I'm not prepared to have sex with a dead body. Like, mentally, I'm just not there. If someone held a gun to my head and said "I want you to fuck a dead body." I'd just have to turn to them and go "No. That's too freaky. I'm not doing that." and just take a bullet to the face. Also, I'm not a very big crack-smoker. In my opinion, crack is a poor person's drug and I'm far too high-class to ever even consider smoking it. Crack is cheap. Crack is stupid.

In memorandum
Whitney Houston
1963 - 2012
We'll miss ya
And all those African kids who starve to death every day

Hot Girl Of The Week: Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Warning: A post reeks of bad judgment. This post.


I know what you're thinking. "What a fool." you muse to yourself as you sip your herbal tea and adjust your glasses, because you presume yourself to be an intellectual. Well, you're not. You're a dirty bitch with AIDS. I can do anything I want, because this is America, and anarchy reigns in the streets. The other day, I saw a baby selling cigarettes. I saw a dog with only two legs eating a basketball for nourishment. I saw store owner smash his own window with a piece of furniture from his own store.

Anyyyyhow, every team needs a rebel; someone who just butts heads with everyone else, possibly due to having their blood infused with ram DNA. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles had Michelangelo. NWA had Ice Cube. The View has Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is the Ice Cube of The View.

Like most civilized nations, we deal with our anger through physical violence and blind rage and destruction. That's why we love watching Jerry Springer. However, whenever Politics is discussed, it never ends in knives being pulled. Imagine if Alan Colmes stabbed Sean Hannity on live TV. You can't. It just never happens. That is why people have so much penned-up rage when it comes to Politics, because they have no way of constructively channeling their emotions into a single Buddhist Palm technique that leaves a giant handprint-crater in the ground.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck discusses Politics, and therefore, 50% of the population hates her. The other 50% supports her, because they gotta stay true 2 tha game. Well, interestingly enough, I never really gave a damn until a friend explained to me that he found Elizabeth Hasselbeck attractive, and I was all "wuuuuuutttt" but then I had to say that I was inclined to agree with his disposition to initiate his phallic engorgement systems when visualizing her presence. Also, this friend was a hxc conservative who was trying to convince me that we need to carpet bomb Iran, but that's another story for another post. Personally, I don't think dropping carpets on a country that exports Persian Rugs would be very effective; it'd be like using Rock Slide against a Rhynadon.

In short, this has nothing to with politics.

Now with that out of the way, let me just give the facts: Elizabeth Hasselbeck was born sometime around 10 to 50 years ago in a small village in rural Thailand, which was burned by bandits. Hasselbeck was then raised by Tigers in the jungle, and taught to rip raw meat from the bones of an elephant using her teeth. She was then offered a job as a host on The View, a show where allegedly intelligent women discuss the issues of the day. Hasselbeck quickly bonded with the other ladies of the show, and they all loved her and everyone held hands and danced in a circle while wearing all white, and wearing a ring of flowers on their heads.

If I could give any advice to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, it would be: Never admit you're wrong about anything. As soon as you do, the socialists have won.

I don't think Elizabeth Hasselbeck and myself would be compatible because, to be honest, I would just haul off and smack her. Like, I would just abruptly fly into a Chris Brown level of rage and beat her without mercy or shame. But not really. That would be wrong. I'm just not into blondes... oh wait... I can't use that excuse... uhm...

Okay, she's just too stupid. There, I said it.

Hot Girl of The Week: Melissa Lee

Actually, since my December was filled with hectic holiday events and shopping (aka heavy drug usage), Melissa Lee will be the Hot Girl of The Month, because let's be honest; everyone wants to laugh at my questionable taste in women.
















It's not secret that I love Asian girls (Well, it's not anymore), even though they sound like a squeaky bed spring in bed. However, there is an angry, oppressive segment of the population that looks down on Asiaphiles, and says mean things about us that make me curl up into a pathetic ball of human misery and just weep softly into a pillow into the night. Those bastards.

The only way I can explain this is what I call the "Beatles-Theory". Now, the Beatles were a band that no one cared about or even ever heard of until the late 2000s when their movie "Across The Universe" made them cool. Finally. But then we learned something awful. Yoko Ono, a notorious Lennon-seducing Art-hater, ruined The Beatles. To prevent anything else from being ruined, society decided to ridicule any white person that wanted to shack up with an Azn Gurl.

Well, sorry, society, but I find myself irreversibly drawn to watching CNBC's Fast Money, an insanely boring stock market analysis show which presents the viewers with absolutely useless information, because it is hosted by Melissa Lee. Melissa Lee also hosted some pretty boring CNBC documentaries, including Porn: The Business of Pleasure, in which Lee interviews some incredibly creepy people. Needless to say, I could not resist the allure of Lee's Azn-ness, and was forced to watch a documentary about Coca-Cola, and let me tell you - it was torture, every second, but it was all worth it when Melissa Lee appeared on the screen and asked about Coca-Cola products.

If I could give Melissa Lee any advice, it'd be: Shut up and kiss me, fool.

Unfortunately, I don't think Lee and myself would be compatible as a couple, because journalists and bloggers are like Jews and Muslims; an explosive mixture of rage, sand, and chick-pea-based chip dips. You see, journalists are professionals at manipulating information, whereas bloggers just screw up information in a very sloppy and unrefined manner. Now, let's say I seduced Melissa with my irresistible wit and empirical good looks. If her colleagues found out, they would probably put a hit on her, and she would be sniped by the same guys who killed Kennedy! DUN DUN DUN




















God help us if the Chinese take our hot CNBC hosts away.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Lady Sovereign; Possible Lapse In Judgment

So yeah.

This week, I was originally going to go with Asian supermodel Du Juan, but then I got really really drunk. It's not because I'm a racist who refuses to mention Asians, but I'm also not a weeaboo. I promise to do an Asian girl next time.

Oh, nobody cares? Alright, then I'm going to go with Jeffree Star.

Oh, okay, anyhow, Louise "Lady Sovereign" Harman was born in The British Empire sometime last Thursday or something, who is a grime rapper/Jentina-stomper. She also has been signed as a professional midget, and therefore, spends a significant amount of time being short. As a recording artist, Lady Sovereign has had mixed mainstream success, being signed to Def Jam records under Jay-Z, but the pressure of being heavily overworked caused her to go "Fuck Jay-Z" and she hopped on a fishing boat and returned to bloody England, where she joined the cast of the British Big Brother. Also, as a performer, she is an anomaly, because according to her own words, she can neither sing nor dance, but her area of expertise is "being Lady Sovereign" which makes no damn sense!

If I could give Lady Sovereign any advice, it would be: If some whiny emcee disses you multiple times on a track for no reason, it's 'cuz she be a jealous bitch; wanted to be on your track just a few years before, probably will be wearing a jelly donut costume following you a few years later.

I don't think Lady Sovereign and I would work out as a couple if we ever met, because first of all, I'd need to amass like thousands of dollars for one "random night" with Lady Sovereign, because let's be honest: it would get expensive for reasons I cannot tell you. Just use your imagination. Also, in the words of Betty White: "She's a lesbian." so I'd have to get a sex change, and that'd end up costing even more money, and I really can't afford all this. Finally, I honestly don't think I'd be able to keep up with Lady Sovvy's ability to put down massive amounts of booze on a daily basis, as explained here:

Hot Girl of The Week: Carrie Prejean; My Cat Attempts to Kill Me

Hello again. Let me get right to the point: I used to think I had good judgment, but that was 5 minutes ago. Thus, I give you this post, which shows how my taste in women has gone down the drain, and I provoke my cat to murder me in cold blood.

























Carrie Prejean was born approximately 2,000 years ago, in the times of Jesus of Nazareth, and as a little girl, she distinctly heard him say the following: "Surely I say unto you, gays can't get married, because marriage is for man + woman only." and she based her whole life on that whole premise.

As a youth, she quickly rose through the ranks of Beauty Pageants, which are special contests, for very special women. Thusly, she was crowned Miss California, a title which allows one to ride a float during a parade and wave to people. To be honest, I hate parades and think they're so boring that it's possible to die while watching one, which is #6 on my list of fears. #5 is my fear of getting trapped in a treasure chest, but that's another post for another time.

Unfortunately for Carrie Prejean, the judges of Miss USA (or Miss America, it was one of those, but who cares, right?) were prejudiced against Miss Prejean just because she was prejudiced against The Gays, ergo, costing her the much-prized Tiara Of Shallowness. She stood up for Traditional Marriage when asked about Gay Rights, which enraged The Left, but stirred up inspiration among The Right.

I personally have no opinion on her comment, but I personally think we should do marriage the way it was done in the Bible: With me being able to marry tons of wives.

After the beauty pageant, Carrie defended her moral high ground by releasing a barrage of leaked nude photos, and videos of her masturbating. Just tons and tons of shocking naked pictures, showing her doing the most lude things imaginable, and I was just like "Good for her... good for her." and at that point, I really grew to respect her and wanted to do heterosexual things with her.

If I had any advice for Carrie, it would be: If you have a gay judge, don't say something anti-gay, if you have a Jewish judge, don't say something anti-semetic, if you have some guy with a Brooklyn accent, don't say you're a Red Sox fan, et cetera.

I personally think Carrie and I would not work out as a couple, because my cat is a psychotic liberal bastard bitch, who scares me. To be honest, I live in constant fear of a cat attack, and always lock my door before going to bed, and sleep next to a baseball bat, although a knife might actually be better.


This is an accurate depiction of my cat:




















How did it get to this point where I live in a state of constant paranoia?


Well, a couple days ago, me and my cat were cool. I was just sitting there, and my cat was just sitting there, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, and completely out of the blue for no reason, my cat ran up to me, bit me, and gave me rabies and possibly the rage virus. The fangs of my cat penetrated clear through my hand, obviously drawing blood, and causing my friends to ask if I had developed stigmata.

I have no idea why my cat did this, because it was completely unprovoked. The only thing I can think of was that we were playing this really fun and funny game that involved me spinning my cat around and around on the linoleum floor by the tail. I was really having fun playing it, and I thought she was too, but I guess not! Damn!

Hot Girl of The Week: Iliza Shlesinger

I know, I know. I didn't even post anything last week, but I must continue this series, or the world will melt into a pool of delicious butter, which will be used by Little Black Sambo to eat 5,932 pancakes.

This week's addition introduces Last Comic Standing champion and Comedy Central Presents alumni Iliza Shlesinger, whose name I always I misspell before hitting the delete key several times to correct myself. It's pretty bad, because I hate when people misspell my last name, which is also a doozy to those who have difficultly with last names more difficult than "Smith". But I digress (whatever that means).




















She is one of my favorite comedians, mostly because of her looks, which are top-notch. As far as other facts about her go, she's blonde... I don't know if it's natural or if she's just fakin' it, and she appears to be between 18-39 years old. I'm 90% sure she's an American citizen and was not born in Kenya, and is probably not part of a secret illuminati plot, but I have been wrong before. I had this co-worker at Auntie Anne's, a soft-pretzel stand in the mall, and he just seemed like this ordinary guy who couldn't make change very well, but it turns out he was part of a secret illuminati plot. Whodathunkit.

If I could give Iliza any advice, it would be: You can't do lunges as well as me.

I don't think Iliza and I would be compatible as a couple because, during her act, she did these super-deep lunges. Normally, you wouldn't think that'd be issue, except that I also do super-deep lunges, and I think we'd be competing to see who can do the deepest lunges, and it'd get really out of hand and we'd fight all the time. Just last night, I was doing these insane lunges and was like "These are way deeper than Iliza's." but in the back of my mind, I was like wondering how deep Iliza's lunges had gotten since the Comedy Central show and I knew I had to train harder. God, where does one get the nerve to work their freakish athleticism into their act?

Hot Girl Of The Week: Rihanna

Every week, I am going to write an article on a hot girl of my choosing. The reason I am doing this is that there is no reason, and the very act of me writing this is a reason unto itself. Also, what if I told you that the mob would put a hit on your head if I told you? What if I told you, it would ruin the mystique?

The honor of the first week's Hot Girl goes to Rihanna:




















Rihanna is a successful R&B singer/secret illuminati member who was born in Barbados about 20-something years ago. She is known for her melodious and soulfully whiny voice, gorgeous soft face, and her constantly-changing hairstyles.

My personal advice to Rihanna would be: gurl, pick a hairstyle like omg lol

I don't think she and I would be compatible as partners because she is currently insanely rich and I am insanely poor. Also, I would probably want to go back to white girls, because you know I loves me the white chocolate, but all-in-all, I'd definitely hit it. For sure.

Also, as a bonus picture, I found this very cool "Manga Rihanna" on FreakingNews: