Imagine you married your own mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time - you know she can make a mean breakfast, and you've already been in her vagina and sucked her tits. WELL, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. Next time, do something smarter with your time like playing golf in a thunderstorm, but instead of hitting golf balls, you're hitting yourself in the nuts repeatedly.
Ashton Kutcher has done both. Sort of. I'm not going to lie; marrying Demi Moore was probably the worst thing Ashton Kutcher has ever done, and he hosted Punk'd. So after a 500 billion dollar divorce, they're finally separated. Do not believe the headlines that claim that they are still together. I am declaring here and now that their marriage is so over that if it was more over, it would be Harold Camping's career.
The only way this relationship could get any more bizarre is if Ashton got breast implants and joined the Cult of Scientology simultaneously. Meanwhile, somewhere, Bruce Willis' ring is dropping to the ground and he's realizing that he's actually a ghost. I mean, that's what happened to his career after making a 17th Die Hard movie with the Mac guy, and Cop Out, which was named after the scriptwriters' mentality. Now, as Ashton Kutcher chases down some sleeping pills with whiskey in his closed garage with the motor running, wearing a Bruce Willis t-shirt and sobbing like a baby, Bruce Willis is yelling "Yippie kie yay, motherfucker!" as he orgasms while having incredibly incredible for-old-times-sake sex with Demi Moore's anus. SUP, ASHTON? Who's getting Punk'd now!?
If My Name Is Earl has taught us anything, it's that you can't run from Karma. Karma, of course, is a force of the universe which influences the paths of all conscious beings, and if you do something bad, then something bad will happen back to you. Like, let's say you marry Bruce Willis' ex-wife. That's pretty bad. In Christianity, I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for that. In Karma-anity, you have douchey tabloids trash the shit out of you until you start doing drugs just to escape from reality, and eventually end up on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where he declares you to be "unfixable".
Needless to say, I'm on Team Bruce.
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