Wartune: JOIN HER IN BED! SLEEP WITH HER NOW!

I decided to try my hand at creating a Wartune advertisement. I took this original Wartune ad, which reads "Join me in battle", and crossed out "battle". I felt like the word "battle" evokes too many thoughts of carnage, and takes the mind away from her beautiful, beautiful breasts. I changed the keyword to "Bed", which seems much more appropriate, especially since it is completely misleading about the content of the game. The subtext reads "Sleep with her now!" because I felt it would help lots of sex-deprived nerds to click on the button and get started on playing Wartune. Unfortunately, nerds are not stupid, but they are horny, so this strategy works perfectly. Creators of Wartune, I sincerely hope you consider my advertisement design, and implement it in your advertising. I will not ask for any money for coming up with this concept, I just want to see my creation to be seen by the world, that's all. 

My credentials:

- I am a marketing genius. This one time, I opened a lemonade stand, and got my parents to front the cash for building the business, then I kept all the profits, which I received quarterly (GET IT????), then when the business went under, I just dumped the stand into a dumpster and got away with all the money, and it was 100% legal.

- I am in college. I did not graduate yet, although you'd think by now I'd be done. This is not important. I could forge a college degree and award it to a chicken. Would you hire that chicken? Certainly, but remember, he would just walk in as a Vice-President and be all cocky. I, on the other hand, would walk in as a janitor. Not just any janitor. I would clean the business up from the ground up. 

- I am really super-smart. My brain is immense and stores much data. This means that I am like that kid in the movie 21, where he counts the cards and makes a ton of money. I'm like fucking Will Hunting.

In conclusion, if you did not hire me to the Wartune marketing staff after reading all of this, you will have made a colossal error in judgment, and are horrendous business people. If you do, however, hire me, you will be wiser than all of King Solomon's gold!

Sarah McLachlan Saves Millions of Animals with Guitar

Sometime around last Thursday, country artist Sarah McLachlan held a benefit concert to fight against animal cruelty, and promote awareness of animals. Her soft and beautiful voice echoed across the concert halls, and the crowds swayed back and forth in solidarity that the animals would be saved. Almost miraculously, with each strum of her acoustic guitar, Sarah McLachlan was able to resurrect exactly one hundred kittens with each string played. Soon, the audience joined in, and began resurrecting and adopting animals, bringing them into loving homes that would never harm them, that would always be there for them.

When the music slowly stopped, Sarah McLachlan stood slightly, with tears in her eyes. "You!" she began, "You are real heroes here tonight!" she said, speaking to the animals. "Thank you! God bless the United States of America!" and she walked off stage. The crowd was in awe.

Eminem Is Apparently Playing World of Tanks

(Click to enlarge)

So I saw this ad for "World of Tanks", a massive piece of shit game where you drive a tank and shoot other tanks with your tank, and tanks are just killing each other left and right by shooting each other with their hot tank-cum, and there are tanks humping each other left and right, and the guy tanks are just hitting on the girl tanks. It's just chaos. Now, this guy, "Kurt Knispel" looked familiar, and then it hit me: He's Marshall Mathers. He's just a regular guy, I don't know why all the fuss about him. BUT HE'S KILLING TANKS WHEN HE SHOULD BE KILLING RHYMES.

Look at this picture:

Here we see a very clear picture of Eminem, and what appears to be Tracy Morgan offering what appears to be Lady GaGa a moon-man trophy, even though clearly, neither of them have been to the moon. But look at Em's face. See the resemblance? Maybe?

World Set To End Tomorrow

 It's that time, folks. Time for the world to end. I've been saying this for years, and now it's finally here, Earth's final battle with Nibiru, aka Planet X, aka Tiamat, aka Nemesis, aka HR Paperstacks. The Zeta Lizardmen of Nibiru will no doubt overwhelm the Earth's defenses within a matter of hours, reducing our society to ruins, and wreaking havoc on our environment. Jeff Goldblum warned us this would happen, but now it's too late, and I'll never get to see Emma Stone's new sex tape, jam with One Direction, slap Justin Bieber across the face, or interview Lady GaGa.

Now you may be asking yourself: por que?

Here's the truth:

There are actually 12 planets. The Sun is the first planet, even though it's a star, and all the other planets are grains of sand compared to the sun. Our Moon (Luna) is also a planet. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Let's pretend moons like Titan, Callisto, Ganymede, Io, Europa and Triton don't exist for a minute, because otherwise, that would completely invalidate Luna as a planet. Then of course, we have the outer planets - Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (tee hee), Neptune, Pluto, Eris, and finally Nibiru. Nevermind that Pluto is smaller than many of the moons in the Solar System, it's a planet, dammit. The reason no one has ever seen Nibiru is because the Lizardmen have cloaked the planet, rendering it invisible to the naked telescope. Once the planets align, Nibiru will also crash into the Earth, I think. Whatever, we're just doomed, okay?

A Moment Of Silence

It's hard to do what I do, to make fun of celebrity-gossip magazines, when such a horrendous tragedy is weighing so heavily on my mind. I had some arguably funny posts in my head, but taking a step back from all that for a moment, I am reminded of how lucky we are to live in such a wonderful world, and how terrible it is when that tranquility of the moments we take for granted are shattered by brutality and violence. I was not personally affected by the tragedy, but my heart is really, truly broken for those who will not be spending this Christmas with a loved one. I can't imagine all the pain that they are feeling at this hour, but I hope with every fiber of my being that there really is an eternity of heavenly happiness, where those children will get to laugh and play without fear for the rest of their afterlives.

As for this talk of "what we should do about this" - talk of banning guns, or deploying law enforcement officials to every school - this talk is frivolous. There will always be evil in the world, and evil men and women will prey upon the weakest among us, the defenseless, the poor, the most-loved, and the innocent. They will always try to destroy our souls, and our will, and though they will always cast a malevolent shadow over everything we hold dear, do not be afraid. What to do? Tell someone you love them. Hug your loved ones, and hold them tight. Forgive someone who has wronged you. Accept an apology. Show kindness and compassion, even to those who do not deserve it. If you are religious, pray for peace in the lives of the victims. Pray for your family and thank God for every one of them.

I wish a Merry Christmas to you all. Stay strong.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's Relationship in SHAMBLES

It's over. America's most beloved couple, Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson, both co-stars in the hit comedy Twilight, broke up. According to anonymous sources, they really didn't care for each other to begin with, and Kristen found some tramp's panties in Robert's dressing room. Both were reluctant to speak out, with Robert saying, quote, "I don't think everyone needs to know what happens at every moment in our private lives. Suffice to say, relationships are difficult, and sometimes, they just don't work out. I apologize to no one because I'm not really sorry."

Kristen was even more reticent, only sighing and frowning before finally saying, "He thought Wookiees came from Endor, but they come from Kashyyyk. Ewoks come from Endor. I know they're both furry, but they're not the same thing. Also, he wanted to knife-fuck me, and I draw the line at being maimed during sex."

Fans across the nation were broken-hearted, but sources say that there is a high possibility that they will "get over it".

Inside Kristen and Robert's Amazing Relationship

What's the secret to Twilight co-stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's fairy-tale relationship? Fans around the world look to this couple's relationship for inspiration, and vicariously share in their happiness as they strut down the red carpets, holding hands and smiling, almost beyond their own control, as the love unspoken seeks to escape their mouths, much like the warm flood of vomit after eating my Grandma's infamous cheesy potato recipe. However, in Hollywood, relationships seem to crack under brutal tabloid pressure like taking a package of graham crackers and crushing them in your mighty fist. 

When asked how the relationship is holding up so well in a tumultuous and fast-paced tinseltown atmosphere, both answered quite differently, but both had amazing advice. Kristen, when asked about Robert, she smiled gleefully and said, "He's so sweet. He's just... really sweet. Every time I want to get into a car, he opens the door before I can, so I don't have to undergo the rigors of moving my arm to open the door myself. He's just sweet like that. When he looks at you, you feel like you're standing under a waterfall of liquid sugar because of how sweet he is."

Robert laughed and added, "There's a lot more to this than just me. I mean, I think I just try my best to be a gentleman. Kristen is amazing. She spreads her legs more than any other slut I've ever fucked. Like, at least five or six times a day, you can be sure to find us fucking, and I don't think there is a surface in either of our houses that we have not fucked on top of. She loves sucking my dick and me cumming all over her face, and she's not afraid to take it in the ass. We love watching really raunchy pornography together and then getting out the sadomasochist leather bondage gear, because we both find intense pain to be incredibly erotic. That's probably why we constantly are wearing bandages, because at least one of us walks away from the ordeal bleeding and sobbing hysterically. I love her." Afterwards, they shared a small kiss and headed off, hand in hand, the perfect Hollywood couple.

Rihanna Explains Why She's Still With Chris Brown

Kate Middleton Gives Birth to The Antichrist, Destroys All Dissent

London, UK - A birth in the Royal Family is so often a joyous occasion in jolly ol' England, but Kate Middleton, that filthy commoner, has defiled Prince William's Royal Penis, whose sperm was ordained by God to only enter the uterus of royalty, not some insolent street-rat. However, much to the dismay of the Kings and Queens across Europe and the globe, some half-blood was born in a London hospital around last Thursday, and is scheduled to be ordained as the heir to the throne on 12/21/12. The Mayans knew this would happen. The ceremony will involve a young virgin being brought before the child, and her throat is to be slit, and the blood to be sprinkled onto the baby's forehead.

The brave citizens of England have been reduced to a quivering mass of trembling blubber in the wake of the Antichrist's birth, but one brave radio station was brave and bravely prank-called the hospital where Kate Middleton was staying, and using a poor impression of the Queen of England, they kindly asked the nurse to smother the baby. The nurse, believing it to actually be the real Queen of England, immediately grabbed a pillow and ran for the delivery room. Upon getting wind of this plot, Middleton relocated the nurse to a cozy cottage in Scotland, where her identity and whereabouts remain unknown, however, it was officially reported that the nurse committed suicide because of the prank call, causing the radio station to get into all sorts of trouble. Middleton laughed wickedly as their careers were destroyed, believing the suicide to be real.

MAY THE TRUTH PREVAIL.

Taylor Swift Changes Her Mind

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED AGAIN

According to like, everyone, Lindsay Lohan was arrest yet again around last Thursday for what can only be described as "The crime of the century" by master detective Sherlock Holmes. According to Holmes, Ms. Lohan was plotting to steal the Crown Jewels by impersonating the Queen of England. Purportedly, Lohan's plan was to age extremely rapidly by smoking an obscene amount of cigarettes and illegal drugs, such as the marijuanas, and other lethal drugs that can kill you instantly. Then, when she was to reach the appearance of an 80-year-old woman, she was to dress up as the Queen herself, and simply walk into Buckingham Palace, where that tramp Kate Middleton resides, and steal the Crown Jewels, and I'm not talking about Prince Charles' testicles.

According to Perez Hilton of PerezHilton.org/unicornboy34, the solution to Lindsay Lohan's misbehavior is to "lock her up". Well, I say this to you all: Lindsay Lohan is an amazing actress and a semi-beautiful young attractive woman, and therefore, no jail time should be allotted to her. She is not black, nor an unattractive male, some I think we need to show some leeway in throwing down these ridiculous sentences on her being shouted by some crazed lynch-mob that is probably just made up of confused WTO protesters who got lost.

Clearly, the only good solution is to execute her via firing squad. No trial, no rehab, none of this silliness. Of course, this practice is illegal in the United States, so we may have to use our CIA connections with some god-awful third-world regime to do the dirty deed.

Wartune: She Has All The Excitement You Need!

The other day, I was thinking about trying out Wartune, but then an ad popped up that told me that it wasn't worth it. It was so odd, it was like seeing an ad for Macaroni And Cheese and then a narrator saying, "Don't buy our product. It tastes terrible, and is very unhealthy! May we suggest a substitute meal instead, such as a broiled chicken breast with a sweet potato?"

So, here's the thing - Wartune is telling me that she has all the excitement I need, therefore, I do not need to indulge in video games. I just need to find an extremely fit girl with black hair that flows around as she walks, C-cup boobs, and a dislike for large amounts of clothing. Really, once I have that, I'll have all the excitement I need! Of course, people may still be tempted to play Wartune instead. These people are people who are not attracted to females. Therefore, by way of reasoning, Wartune only wants to attract homosexual nerds who love city-building RPGs for some reason that I can only logically deduce is part of some secret plot to end the world next month. If so, their plan is already too far advanced for us to do anything to stop it - we are all dead.

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Psy: THE CHOSEN ONE TO SLAY THE BIEBER

Justin Bieber, being gunned down by police after opening fire.

Psy, walking away from Justin Bieber's destroyed career.

Psy. Of all the heroes of the internet, never has one been so unlikely, and yet, so amazingly heroic at the same time. When all seemed lost, when the cancer of Justin Bieber's "Baby" music video was reaching unhealthy power in it's wake, even the lengthiness of the red on the like/dislike bar was not enough to deter JB's rabid and snake-like fans from declaring him number one, when clearly, he is number two. Well, now it's literal. Actually, it was literal before, but less literal than it is now. Let's just be clear: the level of literalness concerning JB's status as number two has now been elevated to Code Holy Shit now that an amazing k-pop sanger from the Republic of Korea (That's the good korea, not the bad one) smashed Justin Bieber with his bombshell song, "Gangnam Style". Unlike Bieber's meaningless drivel, Gangnam Style has a soul to it, a meaning, and most importantly of all, it stands supreme atop a glorious mountain of burning bodies, all of them the carcasses of former Justin Bieber fans.

Justin Bieber could not be reached for comment, as he was busy being destroyed, and hit with water-bottles at concerts. The rapper Nas commented, saying, "Good thing Psy showed up, cuz I would've had to drop another Ether on JB. Think about that shit. Two Ethers in one career. Someone had to destroy that kid's career." Indeed, Psy's horse-dance, which he used in a parking garage dance-battle against some kid in a yellow suit, has Ethered Justin Bieber, effectively smashing the young pop icon's career like Willem DaFoe's nuts with a hammer! That comparison may be a bit unfair; Justin Bieber is known to have been born without testicles as part of a rare medical condition which is now known as Bieber's Disease, which millions of people around the world have been tested to be suffering from. Bieber's Disease is very dangerous and can infect the brain cavity quickly, and is generally closely associated with Bieber Fever. If you are hospitalized, you will probably be met by Dr. House, who will look at you sternly and tell one of the assistant doctors "Fill his/her bloodstream with as much potassium as possible." The other doctor would look curious and ask "Potassium? Why?" to which Dr. House would say "Because that's what they make cyanide with. Don't they teach you anything in that dirt hole known as 'medical school' anymore?"

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: BOXXY

 This is going to be the worst best thing I've ever done, period.

In an increasingly inconsistent and poorly-planned manner, Hot Girl of Ze Week marches on, and I present to you one of my favorite hot girls: Catie "Boxxy" Wayne. She catapulted to fame after some random person posted in the "you rage, you lose" thread, in which you have to subject yourself to various annoyances without getting angry for the arbitrary pride of winning. You don't even get a cheap plastic trophy for it. Well, as it so happens, people actually responded positively, and MoldyLunchBoxx's vids caused World War 3. China declared war and mobilized 20,000,000 troops, along with 5,000 vehicles, 500 warships, and deployed 1,200 nuclear-tipped ICBMs. After the destruction was over, Boxxy died, but then came back to life and revealed that the spastic alter-ego "Boxxy" was a ruse, leading us all to axe ourselfs, "Was it all part of a plot????"

Now, here's what I like about Boxxy - she's utterly insane, kind of like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, who I also find hot for the same reason. I want the kind of girl who will chop my penis off my sleep and throw it on the side of the road because she looked at my cellphone and saw a girl named "Christine" in my contacts. Now, whatever you may think of Boxxy, whether good or bad, one thing is clear: Even if the 'character' is a facade, to produce such a character, you need to have an element of that character's being in your imagination, which puts them deep in your consciousness. This leads to my hypothesis that giraffes should sprout wings and fly away to Mars, and also that Boxxy might actually be crazy irl, and could possibly be capable of cutting someone's cock off.

If I could give one piece of advice to Boxxy, it would be: black shirt, black room, black hair, black eye-liner AROUND the eyes. Stick to the formula. Also, don't listen to Svetlana, she is a bitch and her cat is a bitch.

Unfortunately, I don't think Boxxy and I are incapable as a couple, because anyone who marries Boxxy will be targeted for assassination by an elite team of international death-ninjas, most of whom are Asian and can fly. If death-ninjas attacked, I would only be able to kill 7 out of 10 ninjas before being slain; seven is my limit to anti-ninja combat, I'm working on increasing that number by doing 5,000 crunches a day and eating nothing but fresh cucumbers for a month. The ninjas, of course, would employed by a 4chan.org's largest division, The Newfags. Within The Newfag order, there is a subdivision of fags known as The Boxxyfags, who defend their 'queen' to death, and for me to violate her with my penis would break their strict code of Boxxy-Purity. There are more Boxxyfags than Smith clones. There number is equal to exactly infinity plus five. That means I couldn't possibly beat them all off. I would just spend all my beating them off; just beating off tons and tons of horny, angry men, so yeah, I think for this reason, Boxxy might not be ideal for me as a potential girlfriend. Bye, Addy!

 

Little Girl Amazed by Mitt Romney's Asshole

 Mitt Romney is running for President. If he wins, he has promised to set everyone on fire, put a sickle to all of our crops, and sell the United States of America to Albania for money that he will use for meth. But we don't discuss politics here. Well, not normally. We do, however, discuss politicians. The problem with politicians is that they are usually very unsexy and boring. Occasionally, politicians say crazy things that make you question their very sanity, or use their power to seduce and have sex with many, many women that aren't their wife. 

In this case, something very special happened. This little girl, as seen above, got a good look into the dark pit of Mitt Romney's asshole, and it was glorious. It's heavenly radiance shown brighter than the sun, but the golden rays of love and goodness irradiating out of his rectum were only the beginning. The Massachusetts Governor's anus was filled with unicorns - real unicorns! There were little men making candy and baking cookies, and handing out Hello Kitty back-packs for FREE. Mitt Romney was delighted to let all the children get a look into that beautiful portal. The little girl said of the incident, "I was like 'oh my god! that's Mitt Romney's butthole! And like, I saw a pegasus-horse flying in there, and golden fairies playing beautiful music on cellos in a grassy meadow filled with butterflies. I was just filled with this feeling of peace, and like, joy. It was just peace and joy and I want to crawl in there and live in there forever!"

 Moar liek:

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Guy Jumps From Really High Up

A few days ago, Felix Baumgartner jumped from really, really high up. The world watched for minutes with vague interest as Felix floated down to Earth after freefalling for like 7 hours or something. Before he hit the ground and went splat, he managed to grab his iPhone 4 and tweet the following: "I just jumped out of space. What the fuck did you do with your day?" and updated his Facebook status to "Fuck you all, I'm jumping out of space." while uploading a Youtube vlog he made while free-falling and saying "Hey fuckers, it's Felix. The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, you know, what with this fucking jump out of fucking space at the speed of fucking light. I just jumped out of space and you sad cumwads are stuck on the ground, doing boring things with your life. Look at my life. It is extreme and amazing. Look at your life. It is dull and stupid. You are a living ball of fuck. See ya around, fuckers!" before giving the middle finger and flinging his phone off into the distance, and it landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

So to answer this question, what I did with my day:

- I ate some breakfast
- I keeked your dog
- Went to the grocery store, picked up some eggs and grape juice
- Gave my dog a bath
- Watched "The Voice"
- Ate Chili
- FUCKED FELIX BAUMGARTNER'S MOM

WHAT'S UP FELIX? WHAT'S UP? COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME! SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Disney Airs 6 Minutes of Hardcore Porn During 'Lilo & Stitch' For No Explanable Reason

North Carolina - It was a pleasant evening with a blue sky, and a triple rainbow in the sky. Birds were singing and butterflies were flapping their wings in the wind. The temperature was very pleasant and it was the perfect day for Georgie Brown and her unknown number of children, until DISASTER STRUCK. About half-way into a recorded movie of Disney's Lilo & Stitch, everything went to Hell. During one of the most loving and good-spirited Disney movies of all-time, yo, 6 minutes of hardcore pornography splashed onto the screen, leaving Brown's children to sit and stare at a couple doing horrible, horrible (but totally natural) things.

Despite President Obama's pleas for peace, several radical underground groups have begun burning pictures of Walt Disney in the streets, and their bearded leaders have vowed "Massive retaliation that will leave the infidels as a mere memory to be torn from the pages of the history books, which will also be burned." Governor Mitt Romney has already weighed in on the matter, saying "I think the President has been very weak on the Disney crisis, and that ICBMs with thermonuclear warheads should absolutely be utilized in this instance to rain death from above on all those who dare oppose American exceptionalism." 

Meanwhile, Georgie Brown, as seen above with Lilo & Stitch in the background just to be condescending to all of you idiots, is demanding answers, and she will not stop until she gets them. Some sources say that she has even used extremist language of violence, such as "This is pretty unacceptable." and "How did this even happen? This makes no sense." Disney claims that they have no idea what happened, the satellite television provider also has stated: "This is literally impossible. We just have no idea how this could have happened, and none of our employees are the least bit disgruntled or perfidious enough to attempt an anonymous prank, because the local manager most certainly does not verbally abuse them at all, ever."

Officially, nobody knows anything about anything, but experts agree that this situation, although completely unacceptable, is still pretty fucking funny.

Vanessa Hudgen Apologizes For Exposing Her Delicious Body

Disney, California - Vanessa Hudgens, star of that one movie where all the high school kids sing and dance, has apologized for her body. A few years ago or some shit, Hudgens faced a scandal involving leaked cellphone photos that she allegedly sent to co-star Zack Efron because "She lost a bet." The enbattled Disney star soon found herself in hot water for doing something that a normal adult woman is completely allowed to do with a normal adult man. "Kids don't understand nudity." an anonymous Disney executive commented, "When they see pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothing, they get super-confused and start wanting to take their clothes off to emulate their favorite star, and that's not appropriate behavior for an 8-year-old." 15 minutes later, the same executive was arrested for possession of child pornography, and boy, did he have a lot of it.

The apology, in part, read:

Dear fans,

What's up? It's me, Vanessa Hudgens, you know, from High School: The Musical 2. I know it's been a couple years now, but I guess I want to drag this back out into public by saying that there were some pictures of me that weren't meant to be released to the public, and I am very sorry for taking pictures that weren't meant to be released to the public. From now on, I will work hard to always take pictures of family-friendly things, like watermelons, or ponies, or carpet samples. I also promise to never go naked again. I will remain clothed while showering, and I will never remove this pair of underwear that I have on now. Don't ask me how I will be using the bathroom, but I can assure you, I have worked out a system.

She goes on to say that working for Disney means living up to a nonsensically unrealistic image of perfection that does not include violence, bad words, human anatomy or reproduction, life, reality, or logic, and that she pledges to live up to that standard 100% in the future.

Meanwhile, In The Magical World of Disney...

What the fuck, holy shit, goddamn, holy asshole what the fuck.

Sarah Palin Gets Naked For America

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and present-day Fox News Contributor has shocked the nation with her raunchy photoshoot showing the former Governor's more natural physical attributes. Palin  has been crusading to keep tuna fish in schools, after lawmakers threatened to ban tuna fish sandwiches in public schools because, according to the superintendent of a school district in Columbus, OH, "They smell like puke." which received little attention until one day, Sarah Palin was giving a speech to a small and very bored drowsy little audience, who yielded little enthusiasm until Mrs. Palin decided to remove her clothes. "I had to get their attention, and boy did that do the trick!" Palin commented afterwards, adding, "This has really brought a lot of attention to the pro-tuna grizzly moms around America who want to make sure their kids are getting a proper daily nutrition of tuna."

To keep the pro-tuna movement alive, Palin has made a number of appearances around country, giving speeches, and stripping completely naked, revealing her naked boobs and vagina to thousands of people. "We thought Sarah Palin might be losing relevance," Conservative commentator Ricky Barney said on Fox's Say Whatever You Want program, "this just shows that even during a big election like this one, a woman can still stay relevant to the national dialogue. That says a lot about how far we've come as a country. She is truly an innovator on the political landscape of this great nation, and her pussy is in surprisingly good shape."

Palin allegedly put in 40 days of training and dieting to prepare it for full-frontal nudity, as she has pledged to maximize her attractiveness during her country-wide tour to save tuna fish sandwiches in schools. When asked if she would continue getting completely naked or possibly even escalating her theater to lewd sex acts, the former Governor smiled brightly, her perky tits jiggling back and forth as she shifted her sitting position and answered, "You betcha! These kids in school deserve real American tuna. I'll do whatever I can to make sure the naysayers in the mainstream media get real and start telling the truth!"

Democrats argue that her nudity actually distracts from the issue of the Separation of Tuna and State, as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Believing with you that the consumption of tuna is a matter which lies solely between an individual and his family, that he owes account to none other for his fish or his walleye, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of the consumption of tuna fish, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Tuna and State." but critics of the Democratic Party have argued "As long as you keep this up, the more naked Sarah Palin is going to be."

Wartune: Make love to her now or something.

So I saw this ad for Wartune, a turn-based "strategy" "game", where you can't win unless you pay significant amounts of money for superior items. The game itself combines the over-used formula of city-building, and the over-used formula of mmos.

But I'm going to review this ad, rather than the game, because I'm sure the game sucks ass all by itself. First of all, "love" does not expel darkness, light does. You can't power a light source with love, it just doesn't work like that. Now, of course, everyone knows this, but hey, it sounds kind of catchy, right? No, not really. It's just there to justify the hilariously nonsensical phrase "Make love against the evils with her NOW!" which is meant to confuse dyslexic readers into seeing "Make love to her NOW!" and of course, seeing the scantily-clad, large-titted wench-archer. This has "Evony" written all over it. The city-building, the boobs, the misleading ads. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and this game could've been written by underpaid Cambodian game developers who meant to say "Use love against the evils with her NOW!", however, I still fail to see how using love is applicable in a turn-based strategy game. I also fail to see why she would be used in battle at all, considering how little armor she has to protect her heart and head from incoming missile attacks, or a ferocious ogre's battleaxe. Furthermore, is she even an archer? Why is she operating a crossbow with no gloves? Does she want to get blisters?

Furthermore, which evils am I making love to... I mean against. Or whatever. You know, I'd much rather just make love to her, but since she's not a real person, maybe I'd better just save my time by watching porn or something. I'm not sure I'm the target audience for this game, because I think too much.

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: JESSICA FUCKING WILLIAMS

 THIS POST IS WAY LONG OVERDUE BECAUSE IT JUST IS OKAY? OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF OUR EVER-MORE-DUBIOUSLY-NAMED SERIES, HOT GIRL OF DA WEEK FOCUSES ON JESSICA WILLIAMS. SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO "THE DAILY SHOW", INCLUDING JON STEWART, OR BEEF STEW, AS HE IS KNOWN. JESSICA WILLIAMS IS A COMEDIENNETTE WHO WAS SENT BY THE GODS OF COMEDY AND HER BODY AND MIND WERE CARVED OUT OF THE MOST VALUABLE METALS IN THE UNIVERSE AND ENDOWED WITH THE POWER TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY SEGMENT THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE BY THE DAILY SHOW, INCLUDING ONES IN THE PAST AND FUTURE, AND ONES THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN IN. OLIVIA MUNN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER. IN FACT, SAMANTHA BEE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER.

Okay, let's calm down here, and get a grip on things. If she ever read this, she'd probably be really creeped out so I need to make sure I add that this is complete a satirical post, and please don't be mad that I left 46 voicemails on your cellphone and keep leaving flowers on your porch even though you told me to stop or you'd call the police. I just think you, Jessica Williams, are amazing. You are funny. You are sexy. You are perfect. You are perfection manifested in the form of a Daily Show correspondent. Oh my God. Screw this, I might as well pour my heart out right here and now. Jessica, I am obsessed with you. I wish I could clone you so there could be more yous to love. I want to have at least 20 children with you after we make sweet love like 9 times a day. I want to buy you a giant Hershey's chocolate bar, and drive by your house like 2 times a day just for a chance of...

...uh...

I think I may have overdone it a little.

If I could give any advice to Jessica Williams, it would be: Damn gurl, u sexy.


 Unfortunately, I do not think me and Jessica would make a good couple, because I'm a Libra and she's some other zodiac thing probably. Also, I'm white. She's black. I know, it's the 2000s and all, but still, what if she doesn't like white guys!? What if she's gone black... that means she'll never go back! My penis won't be large enough, and she'll be like "Is it in yet?" and I'll be like "It's been in for the last 30 seconds." because it's just not of black-man caliber. LIFE IS SO CRUEL. LIFE... IS.... SO... CRUEL... WQ$(RETW#ERJFGIERJGFEIPOEWSDKFJS. OMG JESSICA WILLIAMS PLEASE MARRY ME, YOU ARE THE ONLY WOMAN FOR ME. HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN ANYMORE... I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU ONLY. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OMG WTF @ TWITTER & FACEBOOK

Step aside, Selena Gomez. Rizzle Kicks has decreed that Carly Rae Jepsen should "totally" begin a formal relationship with prepubescent popstar, Justin Bitchface Bieber. This proclamation came as a pleasant surprise to readers of the popular time-wasting website, Twitter.com. Rizzle Kicks also expressed what observers described as a "gleeful ambiance" and "a spectacle of elation" when he spoke about his recommendation to the young popstars, adding, "OMG OMG LOLOLOLOLOL XXXXXXXXXX", but ended by issuing a formal apology to Selena Gomez, as she would be rendered boyfriendless if Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen negotiated a successful relationship in being.

I got this from my actual Facebook account. Relationships are difficult. Sometimes, despite our best attempts at romance, our consciousnesses clash with each other, and when these conflicts become unsolvable, shit hits the fan. So, someone I know went from being in a relationship to "Single" within a matter of seconds, and a few clicks of the mouse. A concerned friend asked what happened, to which the person I know replied, "It's over."

Well, duh.

DUH.

DUH.

Then again, you can't just ask someone a personal question like that and expect them to tell the truth and be like "He wanted to have sex with me through my anus and I absolutely refused to let that happen, and also, we hated each other."

Other world news: Donald Trump calls for Barack Obama to "kiss his ass" - New perfume released that increases the sex appeal of the person wearing it - Study reveals that women who swallow large amounts of semen have increased health benefits - Study was conducted by very lucky male scientists, "It was tough having women giving me oral sex all day, but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make for science." says Dr. P. Jensen - Genocide in Syria MILLIONS DEAD, DEAD BODIES LINE THE STREETS FOR MILES - Experts agree that 'camel toe' is sexy, but only on attractive women.

Breaking News: Miley Cyrus Cuts Hair Really Poorly

Miley. For years, she just been a simple country gal with really messed-up teeth who did a little bit of pole-dancing here and there. But in recent days, crack has come into the picture. Yes, folks, we can confirm that Miley Cyrus has inhaled a large amount of crack cocaine, because damn, look at that hair-cut. Miley's father, Billy Ray Cyrus, who rose to fame during the 80s or 90s or some shit with his single "Honky Tonk, Badonkadonk", a lovely little ditty about having sex with large-assed women, has come forward and has said "Nobody better make fun of my daughter, because she is a precious little angel." to reporters before heading back to his trailer with a couple of groupies at his side. There is no word yet on whether or not the groupies are anyone's daughters.

Brace yeself brethren, for a new dawn bringth a new age! Indeed! For twas our forefathers who spoketh forth of a time such as this, for us to embrace like a she-wolf coddling her cubs - this beast, this villainy that dare declare itself to be the crown of Miley; condemned be any man, woman or child who doth not make mockery of such crockery! Ye, even the rodents beneath our feet crow thine air with laughter and ye best harken to this cacophony, for it is a blessing to the ear of all whom hear it! To what end does this maiden vex our continence wit thou craven malmsey-nosed scullian! Thy hair tis is like the toad; ugly and venomous. Thou art a wench of the lowest regard, thine hair is that of the gorgons - NAY - that of Medusa herself, queen of hideousness, who cradles serpents upon her head.

Miley has turned into a crazy girl, like this one here. If you see her, run.

This latest unusual Hollywood hair-cut is seen by Celebrity Analysts as a sign of repressed craziness, which is often revealed early by warning signs, often marked by odd behavior, insane hair-cuts, criminal acts, acts of random lewdness, sudden habitual sex addiction and drug/alcohol usage, and sudden but entirely unexpected marriages. Dr. Kurt Von Weinerschnozel, a senior researcher for the U.S. Institute for the Study of Celebrity Behavior, commented on Saturday, stating, "Yo, dat haircut is fucked-up, yo. Dat bitch crazy. She must be smokin' crack or somethin'." which was enough to set off a firestorm of questions surrounding the personal life of Miley Cyrus. Fans of Miley have come to love her "all-American girl" look, which was actually quite generic while aesthetically-pleasing, and a very non-assuming demeanor that was both boring as fuck, and meanwhile, "safe for the whole family". As such, we here at JCG and other Celeb Magazines expect nothing short of perfection, and although technically, Miley Cyrus has not broken any laws or acted unethically with her haircut, we would like to maintain that we believe she is crazy and nuts and is probably smoking crack.

Kristen and Robert's Tension Rise; Team Edward Loses Ground

Word has it that America's least-beloved couple, Kristin Stewart, who is incapable of human emotions other than "boredom" and "disgust", and Robert Patterson, who is some random white kid, have a whirlwind romance that is on the rocks. The couple reportedly "doesn't give a shit", much to the dismay of Twilight, in which both Stewart and Patterson are actors. That's right. The whole damn series as an entity is upset about this. DVDs are suddenly developing consciousness, and anthropomorphic mouths that have communicated to the public and to our news sources that they want "Those two to just work things out." A poster for the latest Twilight movie (I don't know what it's called, but it's probably something like "Solar Equinox" or "Quarter Moon") reportedly came to life momentarily, and the image of Bella Swan, an unpopular character from the series played by Kristin Stewart, shed a single tear of what can only be described as "contrived sadness". 

This news of a rift between Kristin Stewart and Edward Cullen Robert Patterson has come as great news to Team Jacob, a group of Lycan-supporting zealots who seek to see Kristin Stewart's Bella Swan fall in love with a certain werewolf named Jacob. I hate to editorialize at times like these, but I personally think werewolves are like, awesome, because they're wolfs. All Edward does is turn into a bat at night, and uses his supersonic echo-radar to hunt insects, whereas Jacob turns into a wolf and eats elk, wild boars and even his own body and then saying "Chaos... REIGNS" to Willem DaFoe right before his evil wife smashes his nuts with a sledgehammer. That's pretty awesome right there. All I can say is this: do not despair, citizens of America. The power of love never prevails in Hollywood, which is a bottomless pit of soul-sucking godlessness that has a never-ending unquenchable thirst for ruining relationships. Personally, I blame Obama.

(Picture by some website, but I cannot read the damn watermark because it's too small and the letters are all garbled, so thanks to them.)

Pitbull to Take Off Sunglasses

The popular artist only known to his family and friends as "Pitbull" (as seen above with his sunglasses on) has announced yesterday that he was set to remove his sunglasses, revealing to the world his actual eyeballs. To-date, there are no documented instances where Pitbull has removed his sunglasses, and this ground-breaking spectacle of spectacle-removal will be spotlighted in the upcoming documentary, Pitbull: Behind The Sunglasses, which follows his emotional journey that led him to never take off his goddamn sunglasses, and will climax with the movie's emotional unveiling of Pitbull's alleged eyes. Audiences from the early screenings were quite moved by the documentary, with one teary-eyed woman saying, "It's a beautiful story of a beautiful man. I never knew much about Pitbull before I saw this movie, but I'm glad that I know who he is now, and if I ever meet him, I would say that I'm proud of him. He had sunglasses on, and then... and then, he took them off... it was inspiring."

There is no word yet on whether or not Pitbull will put the sunglasses back on.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes DIVORCE SCANDAL OMFG THANK YOU GOD I MEAN OH THAT'S SO SAD

Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. 

Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN. 

 

 According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.

ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!

I am truly a visionary

I made a joke about Chick-Fil-A and cocks on August 1, a full one day before before Jon Stewart of The Daily Show lampooned Chick-Fil-A supporters for grabbing greasy buns and getting cocks in their mouths.

SUCK IT, STEWART!

Oh, he used the term "Cockblockers" on July 31st?

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

At least they pulled the plug on Olivia Munn and let her die. Jessica Williams is 5,000,000 times hotter and funnier, but the hotness factor is mostly objective, and I have a thing for black chicks.

Chick-Fil-A Hates Fags

 

 Hi bitches! :D

Step aside, Fred Phelps. There is a new face of homophobia and fiery condemnation: Chick-Fil-A. Now, I personally boycotted Chick-Fil-A years ago on the basis that their food gives me diarrhea. I personally believe that people are created equal, and that they at Chick-Fil-A should produce food for both those who have weak stomachs, and those who can ingest massive amounts of despicable vile fast food trash like it's nothing. I know Chick-Fil-A reads my blog, so when you do, heed this: stop making food that gives me diarrhea.

Despite my personal bitter vendetta against a fast-food chain, there is another battle brewing: Chick-Fil-A vs Gays. Yeah. Chick-Fil-A has decided to piss on the LGBT community, but their piss is made of frying oil. In response, our nation has decided to do the right thing; stop eating shitty fast food... or at least, at this one franchise. And of course, with every boycott, you have to have one last sandwich before you say goodbye forever. Okay, two more sandwiches, and that's it. Well, a third one can't hurt either... but then that's IT. I might eat a fourth sandwich there, but then it's over, Chick-Fil-A. Fuck you. You're a bunch of hypocrites. You make chicken sandwiches every day, and do you know what that means? You handle a lot of cocks every day.

But okay, as an objective and totally real journalist (I can call myself that because I have an online blog; sup, cable news anchors) I can see that Chick-Fil-A is just doing what their dear leader feels is right. After all, he wants to follow God and not fall short in sin by endorsing

Oh. That. Chick-Fil-A totally is not responsible for this! It's some outside independent individual who loves Chick-Fil-A, hates gay people, has Facebook, has a lot of time on his hands, and knows how to orchestrate a social media blitz in a matter of days at their whim for personal reasons. John Edward could have even done it, but then again, he's often quite busy having sex with various women while his wife lies in a hospital bed, dying of cancer. Mike Huckabee is too busy jamming on the bass guitar with popular musical artists, such as Alter Bridge and Lady GaGa or some shit, though. Geez though. There are 7 billion people in the world, and although many of them do not have computers or internet access, or shoes, running water, electricity, peace, health, food, homes, jobs, or those special cheese-cutting utensils, one of them still coulda dun it, because in these tough times around the world, you never know who is going to get involved in a fast-food-chain-political-position scandal thingy.

Anderson Cooper: "I'm straight."

For years now, the sexual orientation of CNN's Anderson Cooper has been a topic of much discussion and controversy. Cooper did little to ease rumors that he was gay, stating, "It's not important whether I'm straight or gay. What matters is that I'm a journalist. My personal life has nothing to do with that shit."

Finally, though, Anderson Cooper came clean, stating, "To be honest, I'm straight, and I have always been straight. I thoroughly enjoy looking at women's boobs and vaginas, and also making love to the vaginas, sometimes while touching the breasts." This response left everyone quiet. Then someone spoke up and asked "Are you sure you're straight." Anderson Cooper looked down, then quietly said "Yeah... yeah, it's true. I've never thought about sliding my penis in and out of a sexy male's ass as we both sweat while making love and become one. I'm all about vaginas."

So, there you have it. Anderson Cooper is straight as the crow flies.

Report: The Octomom to Act In Porn; Standard Craziness

 This is Nadya Suleman, just your average mother of 14 children. Over the years, really meanie weenie people have questioned whether or not she is able to be a good mother to so many children while working so hard on so many projects, like posing in a bed with a bunch of plastic baby dolls:

 Now we know the answer to that question...

Yes.

Nadya Suleman, with her new-and-improved bionic body, has decided to put her vagina to work once again, but this time, IT'S PERSONAL. Just like any loving mother would, Nadya Suleman has turned to pornography to "liberate herself sexually and feel like a new person" put food on the table for her children. I mean, I wish my mom had done this when I was a kid; then I could maybe get that Sega Genesis I wanted... but it's too late now. I'm all grown-up and realize that Sega Genesis sucks. Sonic The Hedgehog sucks.

And yes, that picture is real, and that is a purple dildo next to some scented candles. Somehow, this picture is even MORE disturbing when it's censored, because if you haven't seen the actual picture, your imagination starts to run wild with what is under those black boxes. Don't. Just don't go down that route. Think about adorable kittens running through tall grass, chasing butterflies to Sarah McLachlan music. That's only advice I can give to you. Erase everything from your mind.

As for the children, initial reports are that no one knows their names, but they will probably never have to worry about ever having these videos of their mom being sent to them as a cruel, cruel high school prank, or needing any kind of counseling for any sort of emotional issues that might arise from living with a single mother who does pornography and reality TV for living with your 13 other siblings, because statistics show that this situation has happened exactly zero times.

Crazy Boxing-Promoter Guy Dies

Long-time Boxing promoter, and adamant avoider of the barber, Don King, died last week, leaving a huge hole in a few people's hearts. King, as seen above holding a bazooka, while standing next to a guy with an M-16 that has a grenade launcher attached, while wearing a diamond-studded cross, and an America-themed suit-and-tie, was one of Boxing's most crazy and least understood individuals. Friends of King, who wanted to remain anonymous said of King, "He sometimes would just say the craziest shit. Like damn... he would just talk some crazy shit, and I'd be like 'nigga what the fuck is you talking about?' cuz I didn't know if he was trippin' or some shit, ya know what I'm saying? Like, we would just be talkin', havin' a normal conversation, and this nigga just starts off about some cosmic shit like from Star Trek or some shit, and is talking about giraffes mating and shit, and what would happen if rocks could talk. That nigga would just never shut up... we would just listen to his shit for hours and then we realize he ain't gonna stop any time soon, so we would just go home and come back the next day and he'd still be talkin' about some goddamn crazy shit like 'the Japanese could be building a robot octopus to beam advertisements into our brains'. What the fuck. Anyway, I think I said too much, so don't mention my name or nothing on your internet page."

The cause of King's death is believed to be linked to the controversial Paquiao vs Bradley fight, in which the reigning champion of the Negative Weight Division, Manny Paquiao, spent approximately 20 minutes of landing blow after terrible blow into Timothy Bradley's miserable body. The fight was stopped, and Timothy Bradley was declared the winner, and the decision made so little sense that Don King decided to cease living, and at approximately 18:30 EST, King was declared dead by medical professionals on the scene.

We will truly miss you.

Report: Lindsay Lohan still drunken; whore

 According to sources close to Lindsay Lohan, she is now completely sober and the whole episode was an apparent "prank". In a short statement, Lohan reportedly commented about the whole situation, saying, "I was just kidding.", adding with a smile, "I didn't think everyone would take the whole thing so seriously." As usual, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan could be reached for comment, but we did our best to ignore him.

 JUST KIDDING LOL

In another statement given after the original statement, Lindsay Lohan said that her new-found sobriety was, in fact, the prank. "Where can I score some crack?" Lohan immediately said with a laugh. Everyone at the press conference had a good laugh, but we could not help but feel sorry for her and... HEY... who doctored that photo to say "whore" over her head!? THIS PAGE IS CLASSY. We're not TMZ.