Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.
Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN.
According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.
ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.
Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!
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