Celebrity Divorce That Everyone Saw Coming

Tiger Woods has confirmed that his marriage is a sham. Personally, as someone who is now unmoved by celebrity divorces, due to months of therapy to help me cope with pain, I was super-duper-up-the-pooper not shocked. I mean, come on.

To be perfectly honest, I only started liking Tiger Woods after it was revealed just how much pussy he was getting, because it was an absolutely absurd amount of pussy. However, unlike myself, his wife, Elin Norwegian Girl, had the opposite reaction upon hearing the apocalypse-levels of pussy Tiger Woods was receiving. I think we should remember though that cheating is bad, and when you do bad stuff, you get rich and famous. You also lose your Swedish supermodel wife, but it doesn't matter because you can get a new wife that is 10x hotter and more tolerant to libertine promiscuity.

A Million Little Pieces

Hello again, stranger.

I know I haven't blogging on this thing in... ages...

Days, in fact. I went through a journey of self-discovery and scraping my life back together from the ashes of my burnt-down sense of purpose. When Eva and Tony got divorced, I was like "Oh, that situation is certainly quite daft." and then immediately injected myself with the maximum amount of heroin possible without dying. I instantly became a drug addict and went down a spiral of self-destruction and cynicism that was unmatched in all of human history. Then I realized something that saved my life:






















Sharkbears are real.

So here I am blogging again, even after I swore I'd never blog about celebrities again to my dying Grandma, whose last words were "Obsessing over celebrities... it's not worth it."

WELL SORRY GRANDMA, but I'm back in business. I decided that life is short; almost midget-like, and I needed to do the things that make the people happy, because the polls show that people love celebrities, no matter what they're indulging themselves in. Think about it. I would eat a box of fish sticks if they had a picture of Katherine Heigl on them, and I hate fish sticks. They're like, random white mush fried in batter, leaving me to ask how anyone could possibly want to eat that stuff, but that's another post for another time.

As you probably don't know or care about, I am writing a 50,000-word novel for the month of November, and I finally finished the first chapter, which I hereby present to you now. Behold, my magnum opus:

Hi, my name is Bob. I like bacon. The other day I was at my friend's house, and he was all, like, "Hey Bob, want to go down to the coffee shop and see if there's any pretty girls there?" and I was like "Nah" so we didn't.

That night, I had a dream that I was eating a frog, but the frog was like, filled with cheddar cheese. It was so weird. When I woke up, I fixed a cup of coffee and turned on the morning news. It was the same old stuff they always showed. You know, morning traffic copter reports and whatnot. I went outside to check the mailbox. It was empty, of course. Then I went to work. Work was okay, but eh. When I got home, I watched the Daily Show, and there was a really unfunny Olivia Munn sketch, but it was okay, because she was improving in her delivery and the bits being written for her were also improving, so I wasn't going to be very harsh this time in the online comments, because I like to talk online to people the way I do in real life because I feel that sometimes people online are too rude and they certainly wouldn't be that rude in real life where, you know, I could just like, punch them in the face with my hand.

I went to bed and had a dream that I was nude on a stage, but I was okay with it because that was a guitar covering my junk. It made me think back to the other day while I was at the airport, and I decided to try and being a total dickwad and get the airport security people in trouble just to prove a point, and I said to them "If you touch my junk, I'm going to have you arrested", which just made me look like a total douchebag, but that's okay, because I did it to almost prove a point but not quite. When I woke up, I put on my slippers, and put on a bathrobe, and made some coffee. Then I turned on the television set and watched the local news, and it was the usual stuff, you know, traffic copter reports and whatnot. Then I checked my mailbox. Bills, bills, bills. I went to work as usual, and it was okay I guess. I just got there and was like "whatever". When I got home, I watched the Daily Show, and there was an Olivia Munn sketch which wasn't quite as bad as the night before. It seemed like the writers were really figuring out where she fit into the comedy of the show, and she seemed to be catching her stride, so to be fair, I only left a comment online that said "olivia sux i hate her fire her asap", which was significantly less rude than the comments I had left before.

I went to bed and had a dream I was made of ice cream. Then I woke up and fell into a portal that transported me to an alternate gothic universe where everything was dark and gothic, and everyone dressed in all black and wore make-up to appear paler. It was okay I guess. I wasn't really into being goth, but I was like "Eh, this is fine." and didn't really feel anything about one way or another. I didn't have to go to work that day because there is no work in goth-universe, just Marilyn Manson concerts to go to, but I wasn't really into his music since I listened to mostly country music. So I went to bed that night in a black coffin that was on a black slab that was surrounded by fire. It was alright I guess. Not very much room in there, but it was fine.

The end.

When writing this chapter, I really looked to Aldous Huxley's sense of surrealism in the writing as a source of inspiration, and think my writing could inspire future generations for ages to come, because it's just that good.

Divorce Of The Month: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker

To quote Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


My sense of stability in this world has been shattered like a fine china plate being dropped out of Bill Gates' personal learjet. If you don't think that analogy makes sense, then just imagine this: I think Bill Gates is so rich that he just buys priceless plates and then throws them out of planes just to impress the Prime Minister of Japan.

Anyhow, Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives famez and Tony Parker, who does something, like cricket or some sporty thing, were wed in July of 2007 in a fairy-tale-ish Paris wedding that left everyone in tears from it's beauty. Three years later, they were like, "Screw it." and decided to get divorced for political reasons, proving once again that celebrity marriages are part of a secret Russian plot. This comes on the heels of Mel Gibson's bitter custody battle with Oksana Akinshina or someone Russian, which also adds to the mounting evidence that the Russians are involved and that a very elaborate Bourne-Identity-like espionage battle is taking place behind the scenes, so if you see a car chase involving several black vans chasing a Cadillac going backwards on a winding highway in Milan, where all the parties involved are shooting at each other, ending in a car pile-up and/or explosion, you know why.

There is a very funny side to this sad story though; both Longoria and Parker got tattoos of each other's names on themselves, so the writers of Desperate Housewives may have to write something into the script to explain why Gabrielle suddenly has laser scars all over the back of her neck, probably involving alien abduction, because to be honest, that show is getting really weird. It's kind of like what happens when the ratings go down, and the writers have to amp up the ridiculousness factor because they're getting uh... gosh, what's the word? I can't think of it.

In conclusion, WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hot Girl Of The Week: Lady Sovereign; Possible Lapse In Judgment

So yeah.

This week, I was originally going to go with Asian supermodel Du Juan, but then I got really really drunk. It's not because I'm a racist who refuses to mention Asians, but I'm also not a weeaboo. I promise to do an Asian girl next time.

Oh, nobody cares? Alright, then I'm going to go with Jeffree Star.

Oh, okay, anyhow, Louise "Lady Sovereign" Harman was born in The British Empire sometime last Thursday or something, who is a grime rapper/Jentina-stomper. She also has been signed as a professional midget, and therefore, spends a significant amount of time being short. As a recording artist, Lady Sovereign has had mixed mainstream success, being signed to Def Jam records under Jay-Z, but the pressure of being heavily overworked caused her to go "Fuck Jay-Z" and she hopped on a fishing boat and returned to bloody England, where she joined the cast of the British Big Brother. Also, as a performer, she is an anomaly, because according to her own words, she can neither sing nor dance, but her area of expertise is "being Lady Sovereign" which makes no damn sense!

If I could give Lady Sovereign any advice, it would be: If some whiny emcee disses you multiple times on a track for no reason, it's 'cuz she be a jealous bitch; wanted to be on your track just a few years before, probably will be wearing a jelly donut costume following you a few years later.

I don't think Lady Sovereign and I would work out as a couple if we ever met, because first of all, I'd need to amass like thousands of dollars for one "random night" with Lady Sovereign, because let's be honest: it would get expensive for reasons I cannot tell you. Just use your imagination. Also, in the words of Betty White: "She's a lesbian." so I'd have to get a sex change, and that'd end up costing even more money, and I really can't afford all this. Finally, I honestly don't think I'd be able to keep up with Lady Sovvy's ability to put down massive amounts of booze on a daily basis, as explained here:

Kate Middleton to wed Prince William!? SCANDAL IN THE ROYAL FAMILY

Today, in boring stuffy British royalty news, Prince William of Prince Di fame has decided to marry a filthy commoner by the name of Kate Middleton.

As shown in this photograph, it is not clear whether or not Prince William is truly British, due to his very clean almost American-like teeth. I can only conclude that the Royal Family was able to obtain a toothbrush by invading Argentina or something, and that toothbrush was handed down for generations to keep the Royal Mouths clean, and free of Royal Bacteria.

The engagement was announced today, although, apparently, it had been kept secret for some time, because they didn't want people gossiping about... oops.





Well, it's too late now...

I'm already at it, so I might as well beg the question: Did Kate Middleton seduce William into marrying her so she could steal his gold!? Will there be another secret assassination conspiracy!? Is the British Monarchy in peril!? Is the British Monarchy a waste of everybody's time!?

Find out next time, kids. Same bat time, same bat channel.

50 Cent Has A Lot Of Money

"I got this off the dollar menu? Get it? Ah, nevermind."

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you probably don't know from my Myspace blog (Seeing as it's now set to private) I did a post where I delved into the psyche of "Haters", and the intricacies of their hating. As a quick synopsis of that write-up, I theorized that the primary goal of Haters is to "Get you mad", and asked a Hater about some of the things he hated, which was every subject I brought up. An important point I brought up was the time-tested principle to simply "let the Haters hate, and watch the money pile up", because when you let the Haters hate, the money, ostensibly, will pile up.

Curtis "Fiddy Cent" Jackson, of course, is a pioneer in letting the money pile up, as seen in the above picture, where he is shown eating money like beef steaks. This was taken from a photo shoot in which the not-very-controversial rapper plays around with half a million dollars just to show how rich he is. Believe me, he's quite rich. According to 50:

"As you can observe, I have acquired a decadent surplus of personal capital, through my prolific talent as a musical recording artist. Ever since my inception as a performer of hip-hop, I conceived powerful dark recidivist undertones in every orchestration, and cultivating a felonious moniker for myself in every stanza, inevitably resulting in me getting money. My personal wealth consequently has exploded to prodigious proportions, necessitating an exhibition of my extravagance. GGGG-Unit."

Indeed, 50 Cent has made quite a killing from Gangsta Rap, detailing his life as a gangster on the streetz. Like most gangsters, 50 is quite successful as an entrepreneur, starring in his own movie, having his own video game, a clothing line made by Thai children, and of course, his own fragrance, Scent of Fiddy.

The TSA is Scanning Your Body And Looking At You Naked And Laughing

Perhaps you do a lot of commuting by air. Perhaps you enjoy flying out-of-state for the holidays. Or perhaps you're a terrorist with a bomb strapped to your cock. Well, today, all of you will have to face the TSA's new high-tech body-scanning, which shows the entire surface of the scanee's skin.

As shown in this highly-shocking photograph to our left, this deadly weapon in the Global Effort To Combat Extremism will reveal what you look like naked to airport security employees, who we can all agree are pervs, who voted overwhelmingly to have this scanner installed, because they weren't getting enough action in their personal lives.




Well, I personally think this is great. You may feel violated now, but just think how much better you'll feel when a foreign-looking man with chemicals in his pants is apprehended by the authorities. All those times spent being gazed at lustfully by the TSA's finest will not have been in vain, and you can rest easy at night that they're not laughing at how out-of-shape you are, and how your body shape doesn't compliment your private parts at all. After all, if the Good Lord didn't want us to be seen naked, he wouldn't have made Adam and Eve with clothes already on.

Opponents to these new security measures say it's not necessary, because after all, is a hot blonde girl really going to bomb a plane? I think we all know the answer to that: yes. Another question posed is: "If a 9-year-old girl is scared to go through the body scan, are they going to make her go through it? Is a 9-year-old even considered a threat?" and again, I say that I sincerely hope that they put all children through full body scans, because have you seen that jungle-gym equipment being used in Al-Qaeda recruitment videos? I'm sure that attracted some kids to the cause.

Some Celebrities have even criticized the new scanner, such as rapper 50 Cent, who did not want them to scan to "see his G-unit", adding "I did not say I would let them come into the candy shop."

"Normal" Picture Of Lady GaGa; I Hate Myspace

This is Lady GaGa before The Fame overtook her. They say that fame changes people, and I guess they mean that literally.



I know I just posted a bunch of GaGa pics, but I'm not obsessed. Really. I mean, I know, last night I had a dream where Alison Angel and I were making out in the middle of the highway, and I was like "Oh, Stefani..." and she was all, like "Stefani!? You cad!" and slapped me with a white glove and then stormed off. Suddenly, I saw Lady GaGa standing there with her meat dress on, and we started getting romantic and I started eating the meat off of her. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily, and realized it was just a dream and was all "Oh, phew. Close one."

But then I made the biggest mistake of my life: I went back to sleep. I had another dream where I was watching a really super unfunny Olivia Munn segment on The Daily Show, when out of the blue, Lady GaGa came out of nowhere and kicks Olivia Munn into a giant creme pie and then grabs a mic and starts singing "Just Dance" and all these robots were dancing and I started eating the robots because I realized they were made out of meat. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily. My heart was racing. I got out of bed to splash some cold water on my face. Then I looked up at the mirror of my bathroom, and suddenly, I saw the reflection of Lady GaGa standing behind me. I woke up again, from that dream-within-a-dream scenario and was awake for reals this time.

So, today, I listened to nothing but Death Metal and Gangster Rap, so that I would be able to sleep without having those haunting images in my mind.

I also logged onto Myspace today, and of course, once again, they completely changed the user interface and site layout for no reason. To my knowledge, killing the brand-name familiarity of your website is probably is not going to increase the number of users, although, probably nothing is going bring Myspace back, not even Justin Timberlake. It's mostly a matter of one social network passing the torch onto the next one, which has happened before, and probably will happen again when someone does the obvious and invents a site like Facebook, but just far less annoying.

Speaking of Facebook, my mom is on Facebook, and she went through my "Likes", and didn't like that I liked Lady GaGa. Sure, Eminem is okay, but Lady GaGa is unacceptable. Anyhow, that's where my Lady GaGa obsession began, because in order to rebel against my parents, I have to listen to lots and lots of Lady GaGa songs.

Also, as a bonus picture... In my last post, I mentioned that there is a mouse with a human ear on it's back. Now mind you, this is real. I wanted to post a picture of it, but the pictures were kinda nazzzty, so I found a very sexy picture of the mouse-with-human-ear, being held by a naked woman, so enjoy:

Interlude: The Tiny Island

Sometimes, people ask me where I get my ideas. I wish I could just say "Drugs, lots of drugs." but that would a big fat lie, and I like to keep my lies lean and thin. In reality, it's a much more complex series of neuron firings that science has yet to explain, but don't worry, they can put an ear on a mouse, so you know we're close.

Right now though, my brain is failing me. I'm very angry with it. Like, if it came in my room and wanted to lecture me about throwing my clothes all over my room, I'd lose it and start cussing it out. I may throw a chair, but I'm not sure. That may taking it too far, and this isn't the Jerry Springer show, it's irl. Also, there are other factors to consider, such as the possibility of the chair breaking, and if it breaks, then I've just lost a perfectly good chair, and will have to sit on the floor, which is full of spiders and lizards and shit.

Writer's Block is never good to have, especially when having an Official Celebrity Gossip Blog, and writing a 50,000-word novel for November, but I feel the best way to work through Writer's Block is to just be honest and say "Hey, I have Writer's Block. Sorry my writing has sucked so much lately!" rather than blame The Previous Administration for my shortcomings. Sure, I could be mad at everyone else, and go "Why the hell haven't you inspired me lately?" and as a matter of fact, why not?

I haven't started my novel at all. I have a few ideas, like one where a pizza delivery guy finds a unicorn, and it changes his life as he tries to hide it from The Government, who want to take it to a zoo. However, hiding a unicorn isn't easy, especially when your apartment complex has a "no pets" rule, so he also has to hide it from his landlord. Admittedly, this idea probably isn't 50,000-words long, so maybe instead, I could go in a completely different directions, taking on the premise of a 1950s-era story set during the Cold War, where an unhappy citizen tries to "flee the oppression of the West" and get into Communist Germany, but getting past the Berlin Wall and into Socialist territory proves more difficult than he first anticipated. However, this idea has one huge flaw: He'd just dig a tunnel, and so that would take up approximately one page.

So, it'll be on the shelf for now. And November is almost half-way done. This could get messy. I just need to get some inspiration, but it's like I'm stuck on a tiny island.

I take it back; YOU'RE ALL DOOMED

This is what happens when you let my sister cook.


Dear Bloggery,

Remember the US elections that took place recently? No, me neither. It just so happens to turn out that during that historic election (Aren't they all?) that there was also a public vote to legalize marijuana in California. As you can imagine, California, the bastion of progressive thought, did the only thing they could do in good conscience: keep marijuana banned. They just came together and said "Well, people are selling this openly already, and it's completely medically harmless, and it can even help people. We need to make sure this stays illegal." and they did. GOOD FOR THEM.

Actually, what really happened is the pot-smokers were too stoned to remember it was election day, and didn't vote.

Good job. Democracy wins again; suck it, Castro.

Hot Girl of The Week: Carrie Prejean; My Cat Attempts to Kill Me

Hello again. Let me get right to the point: I used to think I had good judgment, but that was 5 minutes ago. Thus, I give you this post, which shows how my taste in women has gone down the drain, and I provoke my cat to murder me in cold blood.

























Carrie Prejean was born approximately 2,000 years ago, in the times of Jesus of Nazareth, and as a little girl, she distinctly heard him say the following: "Surely I say unto you, gays can't get married, because marriage is for man + woman only." and she based her whole life on that whole premise.

As a youth, she quickly rose through the ranks of Beauty Pageants, which are special contests, for very special women. Thusly, she was crowned Miss California, a title which allows one to ride a float during a parade and wave to people. To be honest, I hate parades and think they're so boring that it's possible to die while watching one, which is #6 on my list of fears. #5 is my fear of getting trapped in a treasure chest, but that's another post for another time.

Unfortunately for Carrie Prejean, the judges of Miss USA (or Miss America, it was one of those, but who cares, right?) were prejudiced against Miss Prejean just because she was prejudiced against The Gays, ergo, costing her the much-prized Tiara Of Shallowness. She stood up for Traditional Marriage when asked about Gay Rights, which enraged The Left, but stirred up inspiration among The Right.

I personally have no opinion on her comment, but I personally think we should do marriage the way it was done in the Bible: With me being able to marry tons of wives.

After the beauty pageant, Carrie defended her moral high ground by releasing a barrage of leaked nude photos, and videos of her masturbating. Just tons and tons of shocking naked pictures, showing her doing the most lude things imaginable, and I was just like "Good for her... good for her." and at that point, I really grew to respect her and wanted to do heterosexual things with her.

If I had any advice for Carrie, it would be: If you have a gay judge, don't say something anti-gay, if you have a Jewish judge, don't say something anti-semetic, if you have some guy with a Brooklyn accent, don't say you're a Red Sox fan, et cetera.

I personally think Carrie and I would not work out as a couple, because my cat is a psychotic liberal bastard bitch, who scares me. To be honest, I live in constant fear of a cat attack, and always lock my door before going to bed, and sleep next to a baseball bat, although a knife might actually be better.


This is an accurate depiction of my cat:




















How did it get to this point where I live in a state of constant paranoia?


Well, a couple days ago, me and my cat were cool. I was just sitting there, and my cat was just sitting there, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, and completely out of the blue for no reason, my cat ran up to me, bit me, and gave me rabies and possibly the rage virus. The fangs of my cat penetrated clear through my hand, obviously drawing blood, and causing my friends to ask if I had developed stigmata.

I have no idea why my cat did this, because it was completely unprovoked. The only thing I can think of was that we were playing this really fun and funny game that involved me spinning my cat around and around on the linoleum floor by the tail. I was really having fun playing it, and I thought she was too, but I guess not! Damn!

BORING SHIT

As you may not know, November is National Novel Writing Month, and Nanorimo, as it is known, challenges writers to write their really bad novels all in one month. Once you've done it, you "win"!

Now, as an avid writer of words, I feel like I have an epic novel inside of me full of intrigue, prose, steamy smut scenes, long descriptions of what one could describe as 'action scenes', words, and stuff. Even though November is almost 1/3 over, I am going to write a full-blown novel with 50,000 words. Or more. Probably not, though.

Now, you might be thinking "How are you going to pull that off? That's a lot of words." and my answer is simple. I am going to type really, really fast, and fill some of the chapters with random gibberish as padding, because remember, this arbitrary imaginary challenge posed by some unknown weirdos, who was probably trollin', is most about the quantity of novels it produces, so we're going for sheer volume here.

Now, keep in mind that I haven't even thought about a concept for a book, but I believe that I'm just going to sit down and just start banging out chapters, because that just makes sense.


Oh, also, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan.

PZ!

Random Lady GaGa pics

Ladies, Gentlemen and Monsters who cannot get enough Stefani Germanotta in their daily lives, I hereby present a post which proves that I have 15 minutes and Google Image Search: A montage to the new Queen of Pop, Lady GaGa. To be honest, in terms of Pop Queens, I'm just glad they didn't pick a 14-year-old girl this time, however, I am glad they picked an eccentric discotheque enthusiast whose videos look like something out of a bizarre sexy nightmare where we are lost in some sort of hazy drug-fueled masquerade orgy/dystopian version of gay Heaven. I really am. This isn't sarcasm, because like a positively charged electron to a negatively charged electron, I am pulled towards weird stuff like a Law of Physics. So needless to say, there are some GaGa songs on my iPod, much to the dismay of pseudo-intellectuals who listen to sucky indie bands, which are like sucky indie- movies, but unlike their counter-parts in the cinema medium, indie-bands don't need Sundance Hippy Festival to proliferate their... wait one damn minute, I don't need to explain myself to anyone, so just enjoy the damn pictures:

v

Remember, remember the 5th of November
The gunpowder treason and plot,
I know of no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Some Hot Hot Election Action

Time to put away the stale Halloween candy, because it's blogging time.





















Ladies and Gentlemen, recently, in boring politics news, America held it's mid-term elections, which were filled with a galore of stuffy upper-class drama. I know, Randy Quaid is going to court and is trying to flee to Canada, Charlie Sheen killed a hooker, and Snooki's top got half ripped-off in a drunken club fight, but I believe being a good journalist involves covering boring stories, especially political ones.

First of all: America, you did it. You stood up with one voice, and said "No, we can't." and I applaud that sort of random defiance. Tea-Partiers, you did it. Your Hitler-mustachioed posters have turned the tide of Obamostalinism sending Grandma to the death factories to be ground into hamburger just because she's a non-productive person who complains whenever I change the channel, but then criticizes everything about the show we're watching while smoking her damn cigarette.

In seriousness, though, our nation was in a fairly bad state before, but now America is going to get what it wants: a tax cut for the top 1% of the population, who already dodge taxes 24/7 by hiding all their money in secret Swiss accounts. If that doesn't bring the 90s back, I don't know what will.


First, in Christine O'Donnell's race, the Tea Party was hoping to snipe a predominantly Communist state of Delaware, however, Christine O'Donnell (Who is most certainly not a witch), was massacred by Chris Coons, who lives in a cage in Harry Reid's basement. Harry Reid keeps him alive by throwing him large amounts of raw meat. Despite a rallying wave of Tea Partying, O'Donnell could not secure the grape state of Delaware, and had to deliver what had to be the weirdest concession speech I've ever heard, which started off by her announcing "We have won!", and then reading a list of demands for Chris Coons to follow.




In Harry Reid news, the embattled Senate Majority Leader was expected to be raped by Sharrron Angle, the Tea Party favorite in Nevada. Reid, significantly down in the polls, largely due to the very high unemployment in his state, and unable to rally his constituency by way of sheer candor and charisma (as he has neither), employed an age-old political strategy: Just sitting there doing nothing while his opponent says stuff that's just nuts. Indeed, Sharron Angle's apparent list of off-color comments led voters to believe that she'd probably be worse than the leadership of the man who oversaw the worst unemployment in the state's history. When informed of her apparent loss for the Nevada senatoral race, Sharron Angle said "Zip zap zoop!" and flew off to the land of orange zebras.







One of the most high-profile Governator races was for the executive position in Colifornia. This unexciting horse race took place between the perpetually-running-for-governor Jerry Brown, and Meg Whitman, a CEO of e-Bay, a web-based auction where foreigners trick Americans into sending them money, then deleting their e-bay accounts without sending anything. Whitman failed to secure this election, despite having spent an approximate 1,000,000,000,000 dollars on her campaign. In a rage, she withdrew to her Lombardy estate, where she is currently brooding how unfair life is.





Speaking of voteration in Governor races, Emperor Palpatine's evil twin, Carl Paladino, while not a Tea-Party darling, appeared to have a remote chance of winning New Yawk's gubernatorial race. It all began with him sending donkey-show porn to his staff members, which convinced many New Yorkers that he might be cool enough to consider voting for. However, he was still behind in the polls, and suddenly, the plot thickened when Fred Dicker of The New Yorker and Carl Paladino had a Dragonball Z style confrontation where they just powered up for like 2 episodes while talking a ton of trash. Paladino was invited onto Fox News, where he explained that the confrontation took place because the media was out to get him, because the media backed the establishment, which made sense on paper until you realize that The New Yorker and Fox News are both owned by Rupert Murdoch, who supports Republicans like Paladino! Secret illuminati plot!

P.S. - Paladino lost lol



Like Harry Reid, Speaker O' The House, Nancy Pelosi was facing an uphill battle to be re-elected, but uh, she won, so no biggie. However, due the utter Republican pwnage in the House of Representatives, Democrats are now a minority, so Pelosi's position as Speaker Of The House is now in question, as the party with a majority of seats gets to do the speaking for The House. It is not yet known if she will step down as Speaker Of The House, or hole up in a cabin with a shotgun in a stand-off with cops in a last-gasp attempt to hold onto the position. It is speculated that if such a scenario should unfold, she will probably be sniped by Lon Horiuchi. The authorities would then storm the cabin and retrieve the Speaker Of The House position, and hand it to John Boehner (Whose last name is pronounced 'Boner', which is appropriate, because he has one right now, out of sheer excitement) although it is highly unlikely that this will happen.




I know there were a lot more races, like Rand Paul's important pick up of Kentucky, and Joe Manchin's wtf-win in West Virginia, but it's late, and the candy buzz is starting to wear off. I would like to congratulate The Republicans on their uberpwnage, and I know all the Conservatives have really intense boners right now. If anything, this election signifies that the agenda of President Obama sounds really muslimy to a lot of people, and it really pisses them off. This election just goes to show that if you regulate corporations, they will spend a ton of money to make you look like a douchebag to the American people, and indeed they did, so once again, Democracy prevails.

So take that, Castro.