Sieg Heil indeed
Last Thursday, Twitter, in an effort to keep their stock price down, banned a bunch of users of the website for identifying as "alt-right". The alt-right is a relatively new phenomenon to the internet: This most recent election was divisive, not just with Democrats vs. Republicans, but also among right-wingers themselves. For example, the typical right-winger just wants to own a gun, and to have a smaller, more fiscally-responsible government, except when they need help with money. The alt-right, however, embraces their body-pillow waifus while posting dank rare Pepe memes on /pol/ while debating whether or not traps are gay or not. Fun fact: traps are gay. The alt-right loves Donald Trump, Taylor Swift, and original Ghostbusters.
All of these things are dangerous to a free-speech forum. When other members of the site are afraid to speak out because they might get "doge-piled" (When a bunch of alt-right members post rare Pepes and smug anime in massive doses that the casual user is unaccustomed to. I'm talking like 15 notifications.) and might even get turned into a meme if they scream incoherently in a video. It's the same tactics used by Hitler's SS agents, who would purge the Nazi Party's political enemies through frog-based telecommunications inside-jokes. The severity of the situation has caused many concerned parties to leave Twitter in fear. A rabbi agreed to be interviewed by JCG, and when we asked why he left Twitter, he sadly replied, "I have never used Twitter. I don't know why anyone uses Twitter. Even the name 'Twitter' is obtuse. Are their users twits? Anyhow, I think people saying [The Jewish People] control everything is absurd and disturbing, but I dunno. Just put your damn phones down. Then you don't have to read it. Also, we don't control everything. Vietnamese ladies have a total monopoly on the manicure industry."
Truly horrifying.
Earlier today, Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twatter.com, was seen being greeted by pedestrians. He raised his arm and showed a Nazi salute, a clear indication that he has secretly sworn allegiance to the Third Reich. This leads us to a horrifying conclusion: what if the alt-right aren't Nazis, but just like trolling and looking at loli porn (not that I know what that is), and Jack Dorsey is the Nazi fuhrer overseeing the iron blue eagle of Twitter.
It is against JCG policy to declare someone to be literally Hitler, but Jack Dorsey is literally Hitler, our sources confirm. His totalitarian reign over squashing opinions may only be the tip of the penis I mean iceberg. It is 80-90% likely that he plans to exterminate the Jewish race, and doesn't want the alt-right to alert the Jewish Community by posting Nazi-themed Pepes and Anime. Or Harambe. When we at JCG look deeply into Dorsey's shimmer, blue, Aryan eyes -- filled with hatred -- we can only recoil in horror when we learned that Hitler probably escaped Nazi Germany to Argentina on a U-Boat, and put two and two together... Jack Dorsey is Adolf Hitler. Literally. It's actually him.
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