Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Hand Bitten Off By A Shark

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Lindsay Lohan has come a long way since being the adorable little girl in The Parent Trap remake, which is scheduled to be remade again in 2018 as The Parent Trap: Reconciliation, directed by Michael Bay, and starring Gail Bean and Gail Bean as the twins, Donald Glover as the dad, and Stacey Dash as the mom. It will have everything you want in a movie: black people, explosions, sexy women, gay people, explosions, gay explosions.

Lindsay decided to start her own nightclub, because she'd been kicked out of so many nightclubs for throwing her stilettos randomly, that she said, "Fuck you all, I'm starting my own nightclub, and when I do, you're not on the list, fuckerrrrrrsssss!" Unfortunately for Ms. Lohan, managing the club has turned out to be more difficult than she had imagined: she has to manage inventory, abide by labor laws, get the building ready for fire inspections, fight the rats out of the kitchen with a flamethrower, deal with unruly employees, deal with rowdy customers and guests, make sure the club is bangin', pay royalties to use popular rap music, and on one occasion, she had to fight off a shark.

That's right, folks, you heard it here first: last Thursday, Lindsay Lohan had to tango with a fully-grown great white shark in her own club, and the sight was not pretty. The club's security guards informed Ms. Lohan that a shark had been spotted in the club, and according to eyewitness reports, Lindsay lost her fucking shit. She began screaming incoherently, and throwing bottles of alcohol at the bar patrons, demanding that they remove the shark from the building. The shark was asked to leave, but since sharks don't speak any English, it continued to stay on the dance floor. Sharks only understand one thing: blood. They are truly stupid creatures who only can destroy life with their blood-stained massive teeth of death.

According to reports, Lohan began yelling, "Get the fuck out of my club! This my club, you piece of shit!" and the shark became confused, and interpreted Lindsay's flailing hands as fish, swimming through the sea. The shark lunged forward and instantly bit off Lindsay's left hand, the one she uses to finger her clitoris (whereas the right hand handles the dildo), and swallowed it. Lohan's hand was said to be so inundated with drugs that it killed the shark instantly, but left Lohan with a stump that sprayed blood like a Tarantino flick. Luckily for Lindsay Lohan, doctors were able to re-attach her hand, despite Lindsay Lohan's demands to have her hand replaced with a grenade launcher.

Lindsay's publicist could not be reached for comment.