Miley Cyrus twerked

So, while I was gone, I guess this happened. Hm.

Don't Let Michael Bay Ruin The Ninja Turtles Because He's Just Not That Great At Making Movies

Look, there were three things I loved as a little kid: Dinosaurs, Pizza, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wasn't old enough to love pussy yet. I didn't even know what pussy was. I mean, what a nerd, right? Now this dickhead Michael Bay who eats semen every evening for dinner wants to remake the TMNT series, and he's going to make Megan Fox into April O'Neil, even though April O'Neil was straight-up Irish redhead, so good luck with that one. If Transformers and Transformers 2: Revenge of The Faggot were any indickators, Michael Bay is an expert in making movies shitty. Michael Bay, I hope you read this and know that and realize that you are bad at movie-making. But you won't. You'll just go "Haha, this blog is just written by some angry fat bald guy in his 40s or some fat geek kid who never amounted to anything, and his life is so pathetic that he gets hard by writing some shit on the internet saying that all my hard work is for naught." because that's what everyone thinks because they can't take any constructive criticism.

And yes, this is constructive, because I am constructing some criticism.

First of all, Michael Bay literally sits down with a piece of paper and says "Let me write this down so I don't forget, because I am really stupid. What do people like in movies? Hm, let's see: action, sexy girls, explosions, heroics, slow motion. I need to make sure my movie is jam-packed with all of this. Oh, you what else I just thought of? People like comedy, so I'll put some funny stuff in there, too, because I think I'm a pretty funny person." and I hope he becomes a victim of police brutality because of this.

Second, this white-ass honky cracker takes stories that we know and love, and rapes them hard. Like, imagine you watched Michael Bay remake The Lion King or something. Disney already stole that movie from Kimba and Hamlet to make an epic movie with talking animals that sing and then go kill each other because of some rock in Africa. Michael Bay would add the following: action, sexy girls, explosions, heroics, slow motion. Simba would come back to life after receiving the all-spark up his anus.

Third, Megan Fox is interchangeable with any "sexy" woman who has very average acting skills, and it's obvious that I'm just hating because I can't have her. NO, IF I HATED HER, I WOULD FIND HER AND THROW A PIE IN HER FACE, PROBABLY A CREAM PIE BUT FRUIT PIES ARE PRETTY FUNNY TOO. She would have been pied already. Nobody escapes the justice of Pie-Man. But she can't be April O'Neil because that's unacceptable. April O'Neil is sooooooooo not a slut, and Megan Fox will definitely slut her up and she'll be sleeping with all the ninja turtles and getting tons of green dick.

In conclusion, Michael Bay is a bad movie-making person and Megan Fox should change her name to Megan Vixen.

All People Care About Is That I Ripped On Wartune

All my blog views are from people who want to read my post where I tear Wartune a new asshole. Actually, I tore them a few new assholes, just because that damn post is doing so well, but come ON!

#freepauladeen

Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Reese Witherspoon Fought The Law and The Law Won

Last Thursday, Reese Witherspoon (shown above) was arrested for being blonde without a license, but she wasn't gonna take that shit sitting down. The oscar-winning actress delivered a flying dragon kick to the groin of Officer Jim Ferguson when he attempted to grab her shoulder, a technique she learned while watching TaeBo videos. The other officer immediately tased Witherspoon, bringing her down swiftly, and she was then swarmed by police, who kicked her and beat her with batons until she stopped breathing. In a press conference following Witherspoon's apprehension, Mayor Lewis James praised the officers' heroic efforts, saying "Justice has won today. Evil must not be allowed to hide in the shadows, and as long as we have heroes like Jim Ferguson, we can sleep in our beds, and on park benches without fear of criminals, terrorists, horrorists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and mimes that are just waiting to hit you with a loaf of french bread."

Witherspoon's attorney said on Thursday, "Although I believe the measure of force was completely justified, I think we should take into account that my client is paying me to say the police were out of line, and therefore, I am going to proclaim this to you: the police were completely out of line and we need to throw them out of those blue uniforms, and into other uniforms, such as firefighters. To be honest, I think it would be a good transition for them. Nobody ever complains about 'firefighter brutality'. They get to be heroes no matter what. It's really not even fair."

Witherspoon herself tweeted "FUCK THE PIGS, TO SERVE AND PROTECT, WHAT A FUCKING LIE" and later elaborated on her tweet during an interview with David Letterman, saying "Basically, here's what happened. Fuck the police coming straight from a hollywood celebrity, I snap pigs like celery, a hellion on the streets, smash 'em to bits, match wits with utmost brevity." and went onto recite a pre-written poetic verse about police oppression to a rhythmic beat, in which she claimed that the police, rather than being objective in their apprehension of criminals, chose to target her specifically for being blonde, and vowed that if law enforcement officials were to enter her neighborhood, that the potential for riot-incited gun violence could potentially be used against the police. These extreme lyrics caused the show to cut to commercial, especially after Witherspoon pulled out a picture of Pope Francis, ripped it into pieces and yelled "Fight the real enemy!"

Anne Hathaway's Final Warning to Seth MacFarlane

WE'RE BACK. GOSSIP CLIQUE MOTHERFUCKER. SHOOT THE FUCKING PLACE UP. 

Actress Anne Hathaway is not backing down from her threats against Seth MacFarlane, and the conflict between the two stars has escalated to new heights when Hathaway promised to track down the Family Guy voice-actor and "take him out". MacFarlane, who plays that talking dog on Family Guy, tweeted, "I'm scared, guys. I'm scared. I cannot tell you where I am, because she will find me. I fucked up this time. Shit. Tell my family that I love them."

Ms. Hathaway does not take MacFarlane lightly however, saying "He could be bluffing. His bunker is probably covered in booby traps, that's what this is for." she explained, holding up her new long-range flamethrower. 

Mila Kunis attempted to comment, but before she could complete a sentence into the microphone, the nearby crowd began chanting "Shut up Meg! Shut up Meg!"

Was Real Housewives' Dress Too Small?

The Oscars were not without controversy, because if they were without controversy, they'd be even more boring than usual. Brandi Glanville, from Real Housewives of Compton (or something like that) wore the dress you see above. Some have criticized the dress as being "tacky". Here's my take on it: it should've been smaller. Come on, is it really necessary for celebrities to wear "clothes" these days? I think someday, a celebrity just needs to come to the Oscars completely nude. If no one has the balls to do it, I will become famous, then star in an Academy-award nominated movie just to do it. 

Anyone who didn't like this dress is probably just jealous and a hater and mad and a hater. Life is too short, so wear dresses that are too short. Or not tall enough. Or just take your boobs out. Any of those will work.

#boobs

Quvenzhane Wallis Thwards "Onion" Plot at Oscars

While I was at the Oscars, Kate Moss pulled me into a limo and what happened in there, we shall never speak of. More importantly, I had to stay updated with all the latest tweets and twits about all of that Oscars-shit. During the beautiful star-studded ceremony, the young Quvenzhane Wallis, who won many, many awards for Beasts of the Southern Wild, won yet another award.

Naturally, the satirical newspaper, The Onion, was jealous and embittered over a young black girl winning, and decided to take her down. "Our mission was to utterly crush her." A source inside The Onion reported, "We wanted to obliterate every fiber of her soul." and around 4:20 p.m. last Thursday, The Onion tweeted:

"Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?"

The evil executives at The Onion were hoping that this tweet would destroy Wallis' career by turning middle-America against the young star. As our source explained, "They wanted her gone. Most people think our newspaper is satirical but... but it's not. It's a hitman organization. It's a butchering slab. Our objectives at The Onion are clear: destroy, ruin careers, kill, steal, destroy, mayhem, anarchy, chaos.[sic]"

Obviously, The Onion's well-prepared attack campaign against Wallis was unsuccessful, with many Americans standing up for their beliefs and taking a stance against bad words. Julie Brown, a mother of two children, agreed to be interviewed at random, and said "When you start using this kind of language to degrade children, that ain't right. That ain't right. The Onion should be ashamed of themselves for trying to get a laugh at the expense of children." We at JCG agree; this abhorrent, calculated and deliberate smear campaign by the sick and depraved minds behind The Onion (probably all creepy child molesters) should be denounced by every apple-pie-eating, god-fearing, red-blooded American.

Wallis released a statement to The Onion, saying, "Fuck all of y'all. I got an Oscar that you wish you could shove up your nasty asses."

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Khloe Kardashian Refuses To Have Talent

Khloe Kardashian (seen above) is famous for being the sister of a girl who starred in a homemade porno video whose parents were involved in the OJ Simpson trial.

It's hard to keep up with the.... NO I'M NOT USING THAT PLAY ON WORDS. YOU CAN'T PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THAT SHIT. After a reality show, radio show, singing career, hosting a television show, Khloe Kardashian is facing a unique set of problems: She isn't Kim or Kourtney, and the entertainment industry requires talent, which Khloe lacks. She just appears to be a glorified homeless person in the Hollywood scene, begging for gigs. No, hold on. That wasn't mean enough. She's like a slut who seems to be willing to suck any floppy old dick just to keep her pathetic existence vaguely on the radar of America. 

Hm, that still wasn't mean enough. Okay, let's try this: Khloe Kardashian is the shit stain on the carpet of Hollywood that just will not come up, even after being blasted many times with Oxyclean. Wait, hold on. The floppy dick one seemed meaner, actually, and people are counting on me to deliver the bite that only a rabid attack-dog journalist can deliver; Khloe Kardashian is possibly the most mentally-retarded crack baby slut whore who sucks AIDS-infested, shit-covered, brown-semen-spitting wrinkly ancient dicks just because her life is a piece of trash manifesting itself in human form.

You know what? I really feel like I can do this. Let me just try one more time: If Andy Dick got AIDS, then ate a newborn baby with szechuan sauce, then shit that out into a raccoon's mouth, then a homeless guy collected that raccoon's fleas, mashed them into a ball and ate them while smearing the raccoon's guts all over his body in an underwater genetic-testing chamber while being blasted with gamma rays and diarrhea, and living on a strict diet of pig vomit and phlegm, his shit would be Khloe Kardashian, whose career consists of ripping apart the very fabric existence by defying God and continuing to felching out of the assholes of sumos who are covered in slime because they never shower, just so she can continue to curse everyone's very beings with her incessant fucking pathetic uselessness that contaminates any sane or decent human being's means of perception. Anything she looks at transmogrifies into diarrhea and then explodes all over the place, and her baby is already smoking crystal meth because she puts a meth pipe in it's mouth instead of a bottle, as she is a unequivocally horrendous mother who is raising her children to grow up to become rapists and murderers. Just kidding, all of that would be a step up from where she is right now, that fucking worthless cunt, that living bucket of polar bear shit, that bitch-ass talentless dumpster slut who needs to get eaten by a tyrannosaur.

Yikes, I feel like an asshole after writing that. But that's the internet. You have to be outrageously mean for no reason at all or else you're just not doing it right.

The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Groundhog Attacks; President Declares State of Emergency

Today was a terrifying and perhaps one of the most important days in history, one we will not soon forget. The official Groundhog Day groundhog unleashed his wrath on many of the eastern seaboard's major cities, virtually leveling some cities, such as Newark, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Annapolis, Hoboken, and many parts of New York. At 11:39 EST, the Groundhog unexpectedly turned on it's handlers and vaporized them with it's powerful obliteration ray that shot forth from it's eyes. It is unclear how the Groundhog developed the ability to perform a projection of directed energy as a weapon, but the fact remains: it happened and we're in the middle of the worst crisis the nation has ever faced.

Hours after the Groundhog's first strike, President Obama declared a state of emergency, and briefly addressed the news corps, who were eagerly awaiting news in the midst of the chaos and fear. "We must evacuate the Capital." the President declared, "The Groundhog is on his way here, and as of yet, we have no immediate means of responding to this type of crisis. I have been on the phone with our law enforcement officials, who have been absolutely heroic but overwhelmed by the destruction left in the wake of this abomination of a furry woodland creature. We are considering a military strike to nullify the Groundhog, but we are working to only use such measures as a last resort." and he quickly was shuffled away by Secret Service agents who informed him that the Groundhog was close by.

Republican leaders were quick to criticize the President's response. Senator Lindsay Graham (R) said, "I would have immediately called up the Air Force and said 'let's bomb this thing.'". Critics of the Obama Administration also called on the President to resign, with Sean Hannity of Fox News saying "This treatment of the Groundhog by the President is disgraceful and shameful. We should've taken it out with a missile. Mr. Obama should resign and apologize to the American people." The Obama Administration issued a statement, saying "We are working tirelessly to nullify the Groundhog situation, and we are personally appalled by politicians and media figures using this tragedy to gain ratings and political points. The President has pledged to put an end to the Groundhog and introduce legislation that will address the Groundhog issue in the future."

The Groundhog also gave a statement, saying in his Darth-Vaderesque voice, "Winter may last only six more weeks, but the Hell I will bring to this world will be eternal." although hours later, a spokesperson for the Groundhog seemed to retract this statement, claiming that the Groundhog "Misspoke and did not mean to offend anyone."

Bill Murray Caught In Time Loop

Earlier today, veteran actor Bill Murray, who has starred in many critically-acclaimed films, became caught in a "time-loop", a re-occurring day that simply will not pass until you've lived it correctly. Scientists are unable to pinpoint a cause for this phenomenon, but physicists at the University of Berkeley have theorized that Quantum Mechanics may play some roll. Dr. Mahib Kasthurirangan, a specialist in theoretical particle physics explained, "What Mr. Murray experienced earlier today is what we might call a time-loop, but more accurately, a time-space-loop, since space and time are intertwined. This is what we call a 'Quantum liability', where the particle acceleration rate slows to where it is nearly stopped, which is non-perceptable to any human orifices, but drops the probability of say, a single nanosecond passing, to absolute zero, ergo, space and matter stay in place, but the human mind perceives this as a repeating day many times over in space of a fraction of a second until the mind 'resolves' the crisis, which can have a huge impact on the psyche of the subject, sometimes altering their entire personalities. This has been known at times to even happen when someone is struck by lightning, and it is possible that such a mechanism could be triggered by highly-charged electrodes, and in some cases, has been known to cause humans and nearby dogs to 'switch bodies'."

Mr. Murray appears to be in good health and spirits, saying "I feel great. I really do. I've spent a lot of time stuck on this day happening over and over again, and I'm going to kind of miss it." Doctors have been reluctant to release Mr. Murray from his padded cell still, citing that Murray's recent incident has driven him into a 'spiral of madness' where he has yelled out in an unknown language and has attempted to smear feces on himself and the room he was housed in. Murray denies any kind of mental incapacity, saying "I'm just fine, really. These guys really don't know how to take a joke. I'm the kind of guy who likes to have fun sometimes and if people get it, great, but if they don't, don't lock me up for it, sheesh."

Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

How Hayden Panettiere lost 245 lbs in just 2 weeks!

Hollywood loves young upcoming stars, and Hayden Panettiere is no exception, but she has one weakness: food. After NBC's Heroes was cancelled due to the fact that it sucked and the writers had no idea where they were going with the plot, Panettiere began eating a large amount of bacon and chocolate ice cream every day, sometimes at the same time, and ended up looking like Jabba the Hutt, or worse, Rosie O'Donnell. To have a career in the entertainment industry, everyone knows that you can't be fat, unless you're a man. Everyone knows that fat guys are hilarious. I sincerely hope in future that fat people never rise up against discrimination and it becomes politically incorrect to make fun of the morbidly obese, which might jeopardize my potential run for President of the United States of America. 

Anyhow, ABC developed a brand-new series called Nashville, which is okay. I saw an episode of it, and it's the same old TV drama formulas crammed into a country-music-industry anecdote. But whatever, right? Country music may not be my forte per se, but the show is still better than any of that herpes-ridden rotten horse saliva being squeezed out of the nipple of the evil giraffe-goddess, also known as "NBC shows". I mean, they're ending 30 Rock? Eat a bag of period blood, NBC.

Wait, what was I writing about? Oh, right. Hayden Panettiere was on the way to being the epitome of all those "yo momma so fat..." jokes when her agent told her that she was going to need to lose some of that flab, and replace it with fab. Panettiere immediately threw her cellphone against a brick wall out of sheer rage, which burned like 10 calories right there. Then she went into the gym, where a bunch of muscular steroid-guys offered to give her personal training "for free". She declined, knowing that she would have to sleep with them, and they would have very small dicks. She walked on the treadmill for like 2 seconds before realizing something.

"I was in really bad shape!" Panettiere said, "I knew things had gotten out of control. I knew I had to make like Stella and get my groove back. Walking on that treadmill sure wasn't going to do it, so I went to the only person I could trust: Dr. Scienceman, who works as a nutritionist, personal trainer, and spiritual adviser to the stars. The man is truly amazing. He taught the Prince of Spain how to do a back handspring. So I went to him to ask him for his guidance. He looked me right in my eyes, my big beautiful blue eyes, which complimented my soft facial features and flowing golden hair, and said 'Hayden, you need to starve. You need to starve hard.' and that's what I did. I starved the living daylights out of myself. I starved until I was skinny enough. I starved until I was good enough. Then, ABC called me and said 'We see you've lost quite a bit of weight there. We had a part in our show that we were going to have to give to Ashley Tisdale, but thank God we don't have to. You have no idea how relieved we are. We want to sign you to the show for the price of 1,000,000,000$ per episode. And I said yes. It's a truly inspiring American dream story come true. If you work hard in America, and are pretty enough, anything is possible."

Dan Marino Has a Love-Child.

Dan Marino, giving the "thumbs up". "The sex was good." He said, speaking of his mistress.

WELL FOLKS, GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A LOVE-CHILD? Long-time football-guy-man-dude-thing, Dan Marino. But why? Why do so many celebrity men have extra-marital affairs? Dr. Stanley Lynn of the University of Puerto Rico, a specialist in field of Female Anatomy, explained, "Celebrity men who cheat on their wives are all governed by a principle which I have hypothesized in my many, many scientific journals, which sadly, nobody will ever read. Anyhow, my hypothesis basically combines the factors of the male penis, which is stimulated by the visualization of a female. This is a preliminary finding, but I believe males, generally, are inherently designed to actually want to insert their penises into the female vagina, without fear of the dreaded vaginal teeth that have been rumored to exist."

A spokesperson for Christian Families Living Unrealistically Perfect Lives, a non-profit group devoted to denouncing everything, denounced Dr. Lynn's findings, saying "We sincerely believe that once a man is wed to a woman through marriage with the proper legal documentation, that the all-powerful, infinitely supreme being beyond all of our comprehension and possible grasp of knowledge of his true nature, who could cause all of existence to cease by blinking, does not want men to stick their junk into any other woman besides the woman he signed those papers with."

Marino himself commented on the situation, saying, "Look. I take full responsibility for my actions, and by that, I mean I actually take zero responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be punished, and I will say whatever I possibly can to convince my family and fans to keep watching football shows that include me in them. What I did was very wrong, I mean, EXTREMELY wrong, however, in a contradictory thought juxtaposed to the prior half of this sentence, I have no regrets about anything. I mean, the sex was hot. Real hot. I loved squeezing her boobs and putting my dick in her pussy. Then, I would also cum. That part always made my dick feel just fantastic. However, the whole time, I was all like 'I hope my wife doesn't find out about this', but dang it, she found out! Haha, ya got me. You got me good."

Then, right there, at the press conference, a chimpanzee spontaneously combusted.

EpicX: One Click for a Roman Orgy! CLICK IT, FAGGOT

Well, it's been a busy last couple of weeks, and right now, I guess I could use a Roman Orgy. Luckily, there's a website that offers Roman Orgies, simply for clicking your computer's mouse a single time. I don't see any downside to that. So I clicked my mouse, thinking I was in for some sexy, steamy tangle of naked humanity, and well, I got the 'steamy tangle of naked humanity' part correct, but it was really gross. It was like 80% hairy dudes, who were all sweaty, and were talking about probably the worst subjects of all time: their highest bowling averages, betting on fantasy football,  that weather, the ethics of cannibalism, string theory, beef jerky, and how much they hated their wives. All while having sex with the few females, who all had oversized implants, way too much make-up, fake blonde hair, fake collagen-filled lips, and there was a creepy cameraman with a mustache wearing a golden chain recording the whole thing.

Goddamn it, EpicX. That was some bullshit right there. I demand an apology, and for you to add a clause to your ads that says: "We at EpicX cannot absolutely guarantee the full quality of your orgy, and are not responsible for your sexual satisfaction." Also, what is this?:

Call of Roma? Roman Orgy? One click? Holy mother of squid pussyfuck. That's the exact same ad as EpicX, and even the girl is the same girl. It's like EpicX took that ad from Call of Roma and put their logo on it. Don't even get me started on this Age of Conan bullshit.

Emma Stone Makes a Sex Tape

So, Emma Stone made a sex tape. And uh... yeah.

I'm Fucking Back!

Well, the world didn't end. I can't believe I trusted those goddamn Mayans. Come to think of it, the Mayans borrowed 20 dollars for gas money and said they'd pay me back, and they never did. 

So on New Year's Eve, I drank an immense amount of Vodka, mixed with sleeping pills and crack, then woke up in a crate on my way to Argentina. I had to mount a daring escape and make my way back to the US after a perilous adventure that involved many high-speed chases, gun fights, and there was an explosion.