Reese Witherspoon Fought The Law and The Law Won

Last Thursday, Reese Witherspoon (shown above) was arrested for being blonde without a license, but she wasn't gonna take that shit sitting down. The oscar-winning actress delivered a flying dragon kick to the groin of Officer Jim Ferguson when he attempted to grab her shoulder, a technique she learned while watching TaeBo videos. The other officer immediately tased Witherspoon, bringing her down swiftly, and she was then swarmed by police, who kicked her and beat her with batons until she stopped breathing. In a press conference following Witherspoon's apprehension, Mayor Lewis James praised the officers' heroic efforts, saying "Justice has won today. Evil must not be allowed to hide in the shadows, and as long as we have heroes like Jim Ferguson, we can sleep in our beds, and on park benches without fear of criminals, terrorists, horrorists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and mimes that are just waiting to hit you with a loaf of french bread."

Witherspoon's attorney said on Thursday, "Although I believe the measure of force was completely justified, I think we should take into account that my client is paying me to say the police were out of line, and therefore, I am going to proclaim this to you: the police were completely out of line and we need to throw them out of those blue uniforms, and into other uniforms, such as firefighters. To be honest, I think it would be a good transition for them. Nobody ever complains about 'firefighter brutality'. They get to be heroes no matter what. It's really not even fair."

Witherspoon herself tweeted "FUCK THE PIGS, TO SERVE AND PROTECT, WHAT A FUCKING LIE" and later elaborated on her tweet during an interview with David Letterman, saying "Basically, here's what happened. Fuck the police coming straight from a hollywood celebrity, I snap pigs like celery, a hellion on the streets, smash 'em to bits, match wits with utmost brevity." and went onto recite a pre-written poetic verse about police oppression to a rhythmic beat, in which she claimed that the police, rather than being objective in their apprehension of criminals, chose to target her specifically for being blonde, and vowed that if law enforcement officials were to enter her neighborhood, that the potential for riot-incited gun violence could potentially be used against the police. These extreme lyrics caused the show to cut to commercial, especially after Witherspoon pulled out a picture of Pope Francis, ripped it into pieces and yelled "Fight the real enemy!"