My New Year's Resolutions

2011 is officially here and you know what that means.

That's right: A new model of Japanese sex robots, Iran testing their first nuclear bomb, and of course, New Year Resolutions. You may be wondering what a resolution is. Well, screw you. I'll never tell.

Here are my resolutions for this year:

- Wax Museum in my house

- I resolve to breathe oxygen every day and every night

- Record rap album

- Get a picture of me next to Barack Obama while flashing a gang sign (I will be the one flashing the gang sign, not the president.)

- Hoard pets

- Fight the power

- Call Major Tom

- Rearrange your face in alphabetical order

- Remix a Taylor Swift song to add some Kanye West vocals into it

- Wear a dress made of meat

- Eat some chicken wings

- Score some coke

- Turn into a jet

- Bomb the Russians

- Fight a shark, and then eat the dead shark's body

- Fight a bear; lose; have the bear eat my dead body

- Fight an Irish guy while drunk

- Say something racist right in front of Al Sharpton

- Tell your mom I have sexual feelings for her. YOUR mom.

- Make fun of Daft Punk fans. Oh wait, I already do that.

- Reach enlightenment

- Install Linux on some unsuspecting person's computer just to watch 'em squirm

- Bitch

- Eat a bat

- Reach for the stars

- Quit smoking

- Start smoking again

- Start smoking crack

- Live on the streets and start sucking dicks for money to buy more crack

- Get into rehab

- Get my life back together

- drive off a cliff

- Expose Benny Hinn as a fraud (Maybe I'll do this first, as it will be the easiest one)

- Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches

- Try a new apple cake recipe

- Snap a geek over my knee just for looking at me

- Eat glass

- Eat grass

- Eat ass (of a pig, aka ham)

- Eat a bass

- Eat a 100 dollar bill

- Get a black belt in a martial art that doesn't exist

- Poop

- Wonder about the meaning of the universe, and to a lesser extent, the uniboob

- Punch a Winnie The Pooh mascot in the dick!



Well, I have a busy year ahead of me. Good luck to everyone on keeping their resolutions, because nothing will make you hate yourself more than making a promise to yourself, and then instantly breaking it because you have no character or will power, which is why you are not the main character in the movie/reality show that you imagine yourself to be in.