Hot Girl of The Week: Melissa Lee

Actually, since my December was filled with hectic holiday events and shopping (aka heavy drug usage), Melissa Lee will be the Hot Girl of The Month, because let's be honest; everyone wants to laugh at my questionable taste in women.
















It's not secret that I love Asian girls (Well, it's not anymore), even though they sound like a squeaky bed spring in bed. However, there is an angry, oppressive segment of the population that looks down on Asiaphiles, and says mean things about us that make me curl up into a pathetic ball of human misery and just weep softly into a pillow into the night. Those bastards.

The only way I can explain this is what I call the "Beatles-Theory". Now, the Beatles were a band that no one cared about or even ever heard of until the late 2000s when their movie "Across The Universe" made them cool. Finally. But then we learned something awful. Yoko Ono, a notorious Lennon-seducing Art-hater, ruined The Beatles. To prevent anything else from being ruined, society decided to ridicule any white person that wanted to shack up with an Azn Gurl.

Well, sorry, society, but I find myself irreversibly drawn to watching CNBC's Fast Money, an insanely boring stock market analysis show which presents the viewers with absolutely useless information, because it is hosted by Melissa Lee. Melissa Lee also hosted some pretty boring CNBC documentaries, including Porn: The Business of Pleasure, in which Lee interviews some incredibly creepy people. Needless to say, I could not resist the allure of Lee's Azn-ness, and was forced to watch a documentary about Coca-Cola, and let me tell you - it was torture, every second, but it was all worth it when Melissa Lee appeared on the screen and asked about Coca-Cola products.

If I could give Melissa Lee any advice, it'd be: Shut up and kiss me, fool.

Unfortunately, I don't think Lee and myself would be compatible as a couple, because journalists and bloggers are like Jews and Muslims; an explosive mixture of rage, sand, and chick-pea-based chip dips. You see, journalists are professionals at manipulating information, whereas bloggers just screw up information in a very sloppy and unrefined manner. Now, let's say I seduced Melissa with my irresistible wit and empirical good looks. If her colleagues found out, they would probably put a hit on her, and she would be sniped by the same guys who killed Kennedy! DUN DUN DUN




















God help us if the Chinese take our hot CNBC hosts away.