Halloween: The Sluttiest Time Of Year

"I hear someone is has been dirty."



Today, once again, is All Hallow's Day, on which the Catholic Church commemorates those who have received beatific vision in Heaven by passing out candy to children dressing up as superheroes, clowns, cowboys, and various fictional characters. Occasionally, the children dress as factual characters, such as Flavor Flav, but that's quite rare that you find children and parents who collaborate to get that creative, WHICH IS WHY I HATE MY PARENTS UGH!

It's also a day for the older crowd to dress up, and by older, I don't mean you, Grandma. Get over yourself Grandma. I'm not always talking about you. I'm talking about girls and boys who are older than 12, but more specifically, girls and boys who are older than 18, but even more specifically, just the girls who are older than 18, but younger than 30.

The girls tend to go as one of the following:

- French Maid

- Sailor Scout

- Naughty Kitty

- Naughty Librarian

- Sexy Cactus Girl

- Bikini Girl With Machine Gun

- Sex Robot


I appreciate all of these. I, of course, would be more than happy to give these girls who put such thought into their costume lots and lots of candy, and I don't necessarily mean a sick 50-Centesque metaphor, but I can mean that if they want it to pertain to that meaning, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN lololololololololololololol. Now, I also understand that some of the costumes may confuse you if you've never heard of them before, such as "Sexy Cactus Girl". Let me tell you, you do not want to fondle a girl in that costume.

"Sex Robot" isn't necessarily a costume, but it's a more economical approach to Halloween dress-up, in which the person becomes their own costume. Girls who go as "sex robot" just make a lot of sudden, mechanical jerky motions and go "Beep beep boop, I am a robot. How may I please you?" in a monotone voice, reminiscent of the slow lumbering aluminum-foil bots of 50s sci-fi cinema.

Whatever you may go as, remember, don't get raped!

Happy Halloween.

Jon Stewart's Rally Was Insane

Look at this.

Today, Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, and chronic Olivia-Munn-Hirer, held The Rally To Restore Sanity, a 1-day event in Washington D.C. where thousands would gather to show how sane they are.

As an insane person, I am deeply offended and disturbed by this rally's message and the implications of the said rallying. As an official Celebrity Gossip Person, it is my duty to obsess over the insaneness of Hollywood, and on rare occasions, Bollywood. When Britney Spears shaved her hair off, I was there. When David Hasselhoff attempted to eat that hamburger while drunk on camera, I watched in the bushes. When Mel Gibson said Jews caused all the wars, I was watching them cause those wars. I thrive, live and breathe insanity, and it is my oxygen. Not the channel. As an official mamarazzi (A more gentle, caring version of the paparazzi), I need America to be as crazy as possible, not just for myself, but also for myself.

However, hyperbolically speaking, the rally was nuts. It had everything I desire in a rally: crazy signs that are contradictory to the point of the rally, Sheryl Crow's fake teeth, Ozzy Osbourne, and Stephen Colbert melting into a pool of delicious butter. I personally feel like it was a success in that it restored our sense that sanity was possible, which you know will put everyone into a crazed frenzy trying to get it. In fact, I was reading some of the news articles to get a sense of how people felt about the rally, and of course, I will just let their random comments do the talking:

Person 1: all whiteskinned liberals are dirty racists who worship klansman robert byrd. i still have not heard them repudiate nancy pelosi for her white supremacist actions.

Person 2:

rujokingme ..... perfect example of dimwitted conservative. Not only can they not use proper grammar, they use contradicting statements for their arguments. Like a nat at a barbeque..... just buggin the fu#k outta ya.....

In Lindsay Lohan news...

Guess what, geeks? Lindsay Lohan will not be going to prison, where she would have to have endure the cuddling of her muscular lesbian cellmate, "Pudding". Rather, she will have to be checked back into rehab. Upon hearing this news, Lindsay was indignant, and kinda just hoped the court would, like, let just live her life, like damn. However, the iron fist of justice hit Lindsay with yet another stint in the rehabs, and I'm 90% certain that they will work this time.

Here's an important fact to remember, though: It costs a lot of money to keep someone in prison. Rehab, however, is dirt cheap, because all you need to do is rent a room in a church basement for a day, set up some steal folding chairs and hold a clipboard, with which you, as the psychological professional working for the government, will pretend to take notes, but will actually be drawing a shark jumping out of the water and eating a deer. You should also keep in mind that Lindsay is rich and WHITE. OH YEAH I WENT THERE.

BAD week for Blogging

It was a horrible week for bloggers and blogging everywhere, because my computer monitor shorted out for no reason without any warning at the crack of dawn. It now lies in ruins, as seen here:

















So, in other words, no juicy celebz gossipings, no hot girl of the week, no joy and peace to the world. During this difficult time, I spent the nights lying wide awake, wondering how the hell my life had spiraled into such a non-blogging state. During the days, I kept myself mildly entertained by playing UFC: Undisputed while drinking soy milk, blasting Lady GaGa music and cursing the sky.

So, had I been able to blog, I would've blown the roof off of some hot Lauren Conrad gossip that no one knows about, not even that shining golden bastion of pure knowledge, TMZ. It was so juicy that if this gossip were in the form of an orange, and you bit into it, juice would go flying all over your face. Juice would fly into your dog's face, and all over a baby, and all over the walls, and just generally everywhere. But it's too late. It was time-sensitive material, so I guess I can't do that.

I was also going to do a scathing hit-job story on Olivia Munn, but I decided not to, because I am very very afraid of the powers that back her. They could snap me over their knee like a really long graham cracker with ease.

The hot girl of the week was going to be... I don't know... Jessica Alba or something. I don't know nor care, because I wasn't able to do it, and this makes me want put on some Bullet For My Valentine and just start the cutting. Maybe I would've made it Olivia Munn, just to make up for all the nasty things I almost said about her, but didn't, so it doesn't count, right?

Okay, peace, nerds.

Hot Girl of The Week: Iliza Shlesinger

I know, I know. I didn't even post anything last week, but I must continue this series, or the world will melt into a pool of delicious butter, which will be used by Little Black Sambo to eat 5,932 pancakes.

This week's addition introduces Last Comic Standing champion and Comedy Central Presents alumni Iliza Shlesinger, whose name I always I misspell before hitting the delete key several times to correct myself. It's pretty bad, because I hate when people misspell my last name, which is also a doozy to those who have difficultly with last names more difficult than "Smith". But I digress (whatever that means).




















She is one of my favorite comedians, mostly because of her looks, which are top-notch. As far as other facts about her go, she's blonde... I don't know if it's natural or if she's just fakin' it, and she appears to be between 18-39 years old. I'm 90% sure she's an American citizen and was not born in Kenya, and is probably not part of a secret illuminati plot, but I have been wrong before. I had this co-worker at Auntie Anne's, a soft-pretzel stand in the mall, and he just seemed like this ordinary guy who couldn't make change very well, but it turns out he was part of a secret illuminati plot. Whodathunkit.

If I could give Iliza any advice, it would be: You can't do lunges as well as me.

I don't think Iliza and I would be compatible as a couple because, during her act, she did these super-deep lunges. Normally, you wouldn't think that'd be issue, except that I also do super-deep lunges, and I think we'd be competing to see who can do the deepest lunges, and it'd get really out of hand and we'd fight all the time. Just last night, I was doing these insane lunges and was like "These are way deeper than Iliza's." but in the back of my mind, I was like wondering how deep Iliza's lunges had gotten since the Comedy Central show and I knew I had to train harder. God, where does one get the nerve to work their freakish athleticism into their act?

The Fame Monster Has Me

Dearest Diary,

I'm sorry I haven't written on you in awhile, and I know how turned on you get from the feeling of cold ink pouring out all over your pages, getting you all dirty. I know all I wrote this week was the letter "y", which is probably not sufficient for an official celebz gossip blog, covering the glamorous and amorous lifestyles of the hottest starz, like Lauren Hill and Gilbert Gottfried. However, I've been very depressed, and as a result, I put on some black eye-liner, covered one eye with black bangs and wore tight jeans while cutting my wrists while listening to Hawthorne Heights. It was very very sad, but I feel a little bit better now after binging on brownies and listening to lots of death metal. I also did some kickboxing to let my emotions out, because there's no better way to deal with anger than to train your brain to start punching when it's upset.

Then, I had a thought: if fish cried, would anyone know?

So I'm doing this for you, fish, because I know that you're potentially crying every day, just no one gets to see it because you're surrounded by water.

The post that is just one letter.

y

Hot Girl Of The Week: Rihanna

Every week, I am going to write an article on a hot girl of my choosing. The reason I am doing this is that there is no reason, and the very act of me writing this is a reason unto itself. Also, what if I told you that the mob would put a hit on your head if I told you? What if I told you, it would ruin the mystique?

The honor of the first week's Hot Girl goes to Rihanna:




















Rihanna is a successful R&B singer/secret illuminati member who was born in Barbados about 20-something years ago. She is known for her melodious and soulfully whiny voice, gorgeous soft face, and her constantly-changing hairstyles.

My personal advice to Rihanna would be: gurl, pick a hairstyle like omg lol

I don't think she and I would be compatible as partners because she is currently insanely rich and I am insanely poor. Also, I would probably want to go back to white girls, because you know I loves me the white chocolate, but all-in-all, I'd definitely hit it. For sure.

Also, as a bonus picture, I found this very cool "Manga Rihanna" on FreakingNews:

Best Movie Tagline of The Year, and by "best", I mean Worst

It's 2010, a more progressive year (Much to Glenn Beck's horror) and Rogue films delivers My Soul To Take, a movie that dares to ask that question that we've all been thinking for years: "If something is evil enough, can it come back to life?"

Well, duh. This is why doctors shock people back to life with 240 volts of pure evil when resuscitating their hearts.

Here is the trailer:



Note: You may notice it's too large to fit into my blog. I refuse to do anything about that.

It starts off with Hagrid killing Justin Bieber in the middle of the night and throwing him off a bridge, which turns out to simply be just a really good dream. The primary character, who is probably played by Aaron Carter or someone, explains to us that his hometown is known for maple syrup, competitive breakdance, and a brutal serial killer. A blonde girl is shown, because the movie needs some underaged jail-bait eye candy. The title character explains that the Unibomber or whatever killed 7 people in that town and died the same day that 7 of the kids were born, which is a pretty eerie coincidence that their 14 parents were all copulating exactly 9 months before that exact day... on the day Kennedy was assassinated!? DUN DUN DUN.

More stuff happens, and the gothy chick insinuates that the title character is gay or something, but he denies being gay, and all this leads to an epic knife-fight final battle with Hagrid at the end of the movie, which also causes an ambulance to flip while driving at a very high speed.

A sure winner, I give it like 39 stars.

Starting a beef with a celebrity

To become Hollywood's most hated blogger, I can't just go around outing Ryan Seacrest and the guy who plays Allen in Two And a Half Men as gay. That's peanuts compared to the level of animosity I have to arouse in Hollywood to become universally reviled, necessitating a hit being put on my head.

I have to start a beef with a major celebrity for no reason, and it also has to be someone who is loved by millions. This will make me seem really cool. Major magazines will do whole interviews just to ask me about this epic feud, because it's just going be that epic.

I'm not sure who it's going to be yet, but believe me, when I decide, you'll be all "WHAAAAAAAT!"

Rick Sanchez fired from CNN for being a damn racist!

Uh oh, fire up the blogging machine, because there's controversies all over the good name of cable news once again.

Rick Sanchez, an anchor on some CNN show, was fired the other day for comments he made that set off a firestorm of ding-dang cotton-picking blogs and riots across L.A.

He must've said something really bad, like "You know what's crazy about America? I eat Chinese food that's made in a kitchen by Mexicans who work for a Jewish owner." because that would be really crazy. If I said something like that, it'd be like Dr. Laura covering a Jay-Z album on live television at the Superbowl, and Al Sharpton would demand Google shut down my page asap.

Shame on all y'all racists.

Lindsay Lohan could go to jail, and that makes me lol

Lindsay Lohan does drugs and is probably going to get thrown into jail because of it, because if there's one thing someone suffering from drugs needs, it's prison. Also love and support from family, but if my dad was Michael Lohan, I'd try to get into prison asap as well.

She will have to join the likes of Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Martha Stewart as big-name celebzzz (with three z's) who got tossed into the can because of their deviant and downright scandalous behavior. All I can say to this whole fiasco is: Oh snap.

Justin Bieber!?

WHAT!?

JUSTIN BIEBER? WTF!?

WTF!!!!
WTF!!!!!!!

JUSTIN BIEBER? SERIOUSLY?

WHAT?
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG! WTF!

Alright, time for some gossip

Oh my God, you guys. I cannot believe that I am about to drop some real gossip right now. These following posts are about to blow your mind.

You can only brace yourself for the sheer power of these words by holding onto something solid, like a stripper pole. You have been warned.

As you can see, I now have a snazzy logo which I designed myself for maximum pinkness. I also color-coordinated the page's other pinks to match the title pinks. Think of the implications of this. If I had done say, pink and purple (Which totally don't match), then you'd be like "Ah, you don't know what you're talking aboot, eh." but since the pinks now match, the legitimacy of my words has gone up by 9999%. That is like, a lot.

I also wrote a long disclaimer on my site to prevent Evony from suing me. I know that Evony occasionally sues bloggers, so I decided to play on the side of litigious safety, and scrap that contract with the public together, along with my crack team of imaginary attorneys, who are all weasels. Adorable, furry weasels.

viva la revolucion!

Important Announcement

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