fuck yeah!

Miley Cyrus twerked

So, while I was gone, I guess this happened. Hm.

Don't Let Michael Bay Ruin The Ninja Turtles Because He's Just Not That Great At Making Movies

Look, there were three things I loved as a little kid: Dinosaurs, Pizza, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wasn't old enough to love pussy yet. I didn't even know what pussy was. I mean, what a nerd, right? Now this dickhead Michael Bay who eats semen every evening for dinner wants to remake the TMNT series, and he's going to make Megan Fox into April O'Neil, even though April O'Neil was straight-up Irish redhead, so good luck with that one. If Transformers and Transformers 2: Revenge of The Faggot were any indickators, Michael Bay is an expert in making movies shitty. Michael Bay, I hope you read this and know that and realize that you are bad at movie-making. But you won't. You'll just go "Haha, this blog is just written by some angry fat bald guy in his 40s or some fat geek kid who never amounted to anything, and his life is so pathetic that he gets hard by writing some shit on the internet saying that all my hard work is for naught." because that's what everyone thinks because they can't take any constructive criticism.

And yes, this is constructive, because I am constructing some criticism.

First of all, Michael Bay literally sits down with a piece of paper and says "Let me write this down so I don't forget, because I am really stupid. What do people like in movies? Hm, let's see: action, sexy girls, explosions, heroics, slow motion. I need to make sure my movie is jam-packed with all of this. Oh, you what else I just thought of? People like comedy, so I'll put some funny stuff in there, too, because I think I'm a pretty funny person." and I hope he becomes a victim of police brutality because of this.

Second, this white-ass honky cracker takes stories that we know and love, and rapes them hard. Like, imagine you watched Michael Bay remake The Lion King or something. Disney already stole that movie from Kimba and Hamlet to make an epic movie with talking animals that sing and then go kill each other because of some rock in Africa. Michael Bay would add the following: action, sexy girls, explosions, heroics, slow motion. Simba would come back to life after receiving the all-spark up his anus.

Third, Megan Fox is interchangeable with any "sexy" woman who has very average acting skills, and it's obvious that I'm just hating because I can't have her. NO, IF I HATED HER, I WOULD FIND HER AND THROW A PIE IN HER FACE, PROBABLY A CREAM PIE BUT FRUIT PIES ARE PRETTY FUNNY TOO. She would have been pied already. Nobody escapes the justice of Pie-Man. But she can't be April O'Neil because that's unacceptable. April O'Neil is sooooooooo not a slut, and Megan Fox will definitely slut her up and she'll be sleeping with all the ninja turtles and getting tons of green dick.

In conclusion, Michael Bay is a bad movie-making person and Megan Fox should change her name to Megan Vixen.

All People Care About Is That I Ripped On Wartune

All my blog views are from people who want to read my post where I tear Wartune a new asshole. Actually, I tore them a few new assholes, just because that damn post is doing so well, but come ON!

#freepauladeen

Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Reese Witherspoon Fought The Law and The Law Won

Last Thursday, Reese Witherspoon (shown above) was arrested for being blonde without a license, but she wasn't gonna take that shit sitting down. The oscar-winning actress delivered a flying dragon kick to the groin of Officer Jim Ferguson when he attempted to grab her shoulder, a technique she learned while watching TaeBo videos. The other officer immediately tased Witherspoon, bringing her down swiftly, and she was then swarmed by police, who kicked her and beat her with batons until she stopped breathing. In a press conference following Witherspoon's apprehension, Mayor Lewis James praised the officers' heroic efforts, saying "Justice has won today. Evil must not be allowed to hide in the shadows, and as long as we have heroes like Jim Ferguson, we can sleep in our beds, and on park benches without fear of criminals, terrorists, horrorists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and mimes that are just waiting to hit you with a loaf of french bread."

Witherspoon's attorney said on Thursday, "Although I believe the measure of force was completely justified, I think we should take into account that my client is paying me to say the police were out of line, and therefore, I am going to proclaim this to you: the police were completely out of line and we need to throw them out of those blue uniforms, and into other uniforms, such as firefighters. To be honest, I think it would be a good transition for them. Nobody ever complains about 'firefighter brutality'. They get to be heroes no matter what. It's really not even fair."

Witherspoon herself tweeted "FUCK THE PIGS, TO SERVE AND PROTECT, WHAT A FUCKING LIE" and later elaborated on her tweet during an interview with David Letterman, saying "Basically, here's what happened. Fuck the police coming straight from a hollywood celebrity, I snap pigs like celery, a hellion on the streets, smash 'em to bits, match wits with utmost brevity." and went onto recite a pre-written poetic verse about police oppression to a rhythmic beat, in which she claimed that the police, rather than being objective in their apprehension of criminals, chose to target her specifically for being blonde, and vowed that if law enforcement officials were to enter her neighborhood, that the potential for riot-incited gun violence could potentially be used against the police. These extreme lyrics caused the show to cut to commercial, especially after Witherspoon pulled out a picture of Pope Francis, ripped it into pieces and yelled "Fight the real enemy!"

Anne Hathaway's Final Warning to Seth MacFarlane

WE'RE BACK. GOSSIP CLIQUE MOTHERFUCKER. SHOOT THE FUCKING PLACE UP. 

Actress Anne Hathaway is not backing down from her threats against Seth MacFarlane, and the conflict between the two stars has escalated to new heights when Hathaway promised to track down the Family Guy voice-actor and "take him out". MacFarlane, who plays that talking dog on Family Guy, tweeted, "I'm scared, guys. I'm scared. I cannot tell you where I am, because she will find me. I fucked up this time. Shit. Tell my family that I love them."

Ms. Hathaway does not take MacFarlane lightly however, saying "He could be bluffing. His bunker is probably covered in booby traps, that's what this is for." she explained, holding up her new long-range flamethrower. 

Mila Kunis attempted to comment, but before she could complete a sentence into the microphone, the nearby crowd began chanting "Shut up Meg! Shut up Meg!"

Was Real Housewives' Dress Too Small?

The Oscars were not without controversy, because if they were without controversy, they'd be even more boring than usual. Brandi Glanville, from Real Housewives of Compton (or something like that) wore the dress you see above. Some have criticized the dress as being "tacky". Here's my take on it: it should've been smaller. Come on, is it really necessary for celebrities to wear "clothes" these days? I think someday, a celebrity just needs to come to the Oscars completely nude. If no one has the balls to do it, I will become famous, then star in an Academy-award nominated movie just to do it. 

Anyone who didn't like this dress is probably just jealous and a hater and mad and a hater. Life is too short, so wear dresses that are too short. Or not tall enough. Or just take your boobs out. Any of those will work.

#boobs

Quvenzhane Wallis Thwards "Onion" Plot at Oscars

While I was at the Oscars, Kate Moss pulled me into a limo and what happened in there, we shall never speak of. More importantly, I had to stay updated with all the latest tweets and twits about all of that Oscars-shit. During the beautiful star-studded ceremony, the young Quvenzhane Wallis, who won many, many awards for Beasts of the Southern Wild, won yet another award.

Naturally, the satirical newspaper, The Onion, was jealous and embittered over a young black girl winning, and decided to take her down. "Our mission was to utterly crush her." A source inside The Onion reported, "We wanted to obliterate every fiber of her soul." and around 4:20 p.m. last Thursday, The Onion tweeted:

"Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?"

The evil executives at The Onion were hoping that this tweet would destroy Wallis' career by turning middle-America against the young star. As our source explained, "They wanted her gone. Most people think our newspaper is satirical but... but it's not. It's a hitman organization. It's a butchering slab. Our objectives at The Onion are clear: destroy, ruin careers, kill, steal, destroy, mayhem, anarchy, chaos.[sic]"

Obviously, The Onion's well-prepared attack campaign against Wallis was unsuccessful, with many Americans standing up for their beliefs and taking a stance against bad words. Julie Brown, a mother of two children, agreed to be interviewed at random, and said "When you start using this kind of language to degrade children, that ain't right. That ain't right. The Onion should be ashamed of themselves for trying to get a laugh at the expense of children." We at JCG agree; this abhorrent, calculated and deliberate smear campaign by the sick and depraved minds behind The Onion (probably all creepy child molesters) should be denounced by every apple-pie-eating, god-fearing, red-blooded American.

Wallis released a statement to The Onion, saying, "Fuck all of y'all. I got an Oscar that you wish you could shove up your nasty asses."

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf