Report: Lindsay Lohan still drunken; whore

 According to sources close to Lindsay Lohan, she is now completely sober and the whole episode was an apparent "prank". In a short statement, Lohan reportedly commented about the whole situation, saying, "I was just kidding.", adding with a smile, "I didn't think everyone would take the whole thing so seriously." As usual, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan could be reached for comment, but we did our best to ignore him.

 JUST KIDDING LOL

In another statement given after the original statement, Lindsay Lohan said that her new-found sobriety was, in fact, the prank. "Where can I score some crack?" Lohan immediately said with a laugh. Everyone at the press conference had a good laugh, but we could not help but feel sorry for her and... HEY... who doctored that photo to say "whore" over her head!? THIS PAGE IS CLASSY. We're not TMZ.

IS KRIS KARDASHIAN A BITCH?

Yes.

According to JCG's most top-notch Bitch Experts, Kris Jenner, aka Kris Kardashian, is in fact, a bitch. The source of her bitchiness is yet to be determined, but believe me, we are allocating very few resources to figure out why celebrities have personality problems! Keep 'em coming!

BRUCE TO KRIS: "YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

KRIS: "BRUCE IS UGLY AND I ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

KIM: "I ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

KOURTNEY: "I ALSO ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

BRUCE TO FAMILY: "OUR FAMILY IS RUINED!!!!"

KHLOE: "I STILL ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY."

BRUCE, IN TEARS: "PLEASE, LET'S JUST BE A FAMILY AGAIN." 


KIM: "I ALSO CARE ABOUT PUBLICITY."


KHLOE: "YEAH, ME TOO."


KRIS: "LOL, ME THREE."


BRUCE, ON HIS KNEES, SOBBING: "COME BACK TO ME! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART LISA!"


KRIS: "WHO IS LISA!?"


BRUCE: "I MEAN KRIS."


KRIS: "I WANT A DIVORCE."


KIM: "IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN TURN THE DIVORCE INTO A REALITY TV SHOW?"


KRIS: "YOU ARE SO BUSINESS-SAVVY... THAT'S MY GIRL!"


Meanwhile, in Syria...


hundreds gunned down in horrific gunfire... more news at 10.

The unofficial Youtube.com Comment of The Millenium Award goes out to TheBluearmyash, who dropped this bit of wisdom in the Youtube comments:

"You absolute! 100%! Testicle licking! Dick sucking! Arsehole rimming! Special Bus riding! Retard Helmet wearing! Hypocritical! Sorry Ass Son Of A Bitch!!!!!!! Your tryna say, you only came here to put that comment?! You have to have typed it in! or watched a Hip Hop song first for it to be suggested! Hip Hop is the realest, deepest, most emotion filled genre of music there is! When you hatin HipHop, you hatin on all its fans! And that aint to smart...... ;)"

May these words inspire millions of people for years and years to come. Thank you for your contribution to the human race, TheBluearmyash.

Another Kardashian Gets Divorced

In Kardashian news, Kourtney Kardashian is probably getting divorced, but who knows if that's the correct Kardashian, or if that's even correct at all. One of them is probably getting married or divorced but the Good Lord only knows.

Special Report: Uma Thurman's Pussy Sighted

12:29 Cali time - Uma Thurman's pussy was spotted on the beach by trained photographers, who captured the pussy on film for the purpose of publication the other day, prompting a firestorm of controversy. "Holy shit," Jacob Jameson, a Professional Cinematographer and Photographical Artist said last Thursday, "I totally saw Uma Thurman's pussy. Like... it was Uma Thurman... but with her pussy exposed." Other observers, like 18-year-old intern photographer Wayne Turnpike, reported similar accounts of what they saw that fateful day. "It was like," Turnpike explained, clearly still excited, "It was Uma Thurman, but with nothing covering the bottom part of her. I've never seen anything like this." However, there are skeptics. A spokesman for the U.S. Air Force Intelligence Branch said during a press conference "What you saw was probably the planet Venus, which often takes on the appearance of celebrity clitoris in certain lights. It's also quite possible what you saw was a small Cessna Jetliner, or even a weather balloon, which you have mistaken for Uma Thurman's pussy." This dismal dismissal was met with criticism by witnesses who observed the event firsthand. "I know what I saw." Turnpike protested, "It wasn't the planet Venus or a weather balloon. It was definitely Uma Thurman's pussy. I know a pussy when I see one, and this was definitely one that belonged to Uma Thurman. Such a condescending explanation is very patronizing and upsetting, and I am personally appalled by the U.S. Government's lack of response to the situation which is quite clearly been proven to be happening between Uma Thurman's legs."

Umathurmanpussyologists have offered an explanation for the dismissal though, saying, "If civilization saw Uma Thurman's pussy, think about the implications on society. Religion would be meaningless. There would be mass panic, and ejaculate flowing in the streets."

The alleged picture, taken by professional Stalkerazzi ninjas, followed Thurman to a remote and secret island which isn't even on standard geography maps (As a secret getaway for celebrities who want to be left alone) and spotted Thurman on the beach, lifting her skirt, which reportedly revealed her pussy. "It was almost like she wanted us to see her pussy." an anonymous Stalkerazzi cameraman said, adding: "Why else would she fly to a secret island?"

I HATE STUPID MOVIES ARGGGGGGGGGG

 

 I have but one question. Why?

As a matter of fact, I actually have another question: What the fuck?

I want to slam-dunk the writer of S. Darko into a garbage dumpster and tell him to perform fellatio on me. I want to take the maker of The Forgotten, and also throw him into the same dumpster. Then I want to grab the maker of Crash, and similarly throw him into that same dumpster, and then see all of them be poured into a dump truck. I would then dust my hands off, and say "Took out the trash." That would be awesome. But Fight Night, aka Rigged, is the last straw. This movie made me so mad that I smashed my television set on the concrete, then ran it over with my car, then punched a plate of pancakes clean out of some old guy's hands. After that, I sat down here in my computer chair to go on a verbal rampage, and put this movie up on my Worst Movies Ever list. 

Warning: Fuck you.

Movie: Fight Night.

Written by: Ian Shorr (More like bein' a bore. sup)

First, let me start this off by mashing on my keyboard wildly: p0839u5j4tgp034weeejrgifoi!!! oiwerjtglwiergoe!!!! lshddk; wsoidhgfpe8w 23qwie8hrtfp03qw984erh wdljifoduh! woqehrlowqnrlwqjn83own oisdjf89oj swoidfjwije 0w9ejfpow foj w 0uerjdfopwejf wps0uepfo0wqj w0eufjpowhf j sohfohow wso8yhf983w4ueht9owes 0psjdofhwo9 w9yto93whwe LINDSAY LOHAN IS ON CRACK 3wep4r8twe9r8 w809quetouwehdy09834utgmvskxmcow -uw9t8go 8wru9sjhf

Now, let me visualize a beautiful bonfire, where every copy of Fight Night is burning, never to be seen again.

Now, let me go to my happy place. It is a beautiful world, where the sun is shining, there is green grass, and beautiful mountains in the distance. A naked Alison Angel walks up to my side and puts her arm around me. Everything is wonderful.

Good, now I'm focused enough to break this shit movie down. Everyone involved in it's production should (and probably will) go to Hell. What they have done here is beyond anything that has ever been done in all of history, and yes, they are worse than Hitler. This movie is worse than the holocaust. The plot is worse than throwing a baby at a brick wall. This movie somehow is worse than Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen. Well, okay... maybe I'm just getting carried away now. It's not THAT bad.

Our wonderful piece of cinematic goat vomit begins with Dublin (played by some guy) narrating. He's a fairly annoying, irritating and stupid character. His profession is that of a con-man. He lays out the basic rules of his easy-money schemes:

1. Always portray the appearance of success. He wears a cheap suit and a pair of converses at all times, and doesn't own a car. He clearly follows this rule very well.

2. Always get the money beforehand. This is why he rigs fights, so he can get the money... uh... after...wards...

Okay, yeah. That makes no sense, but I feel like the writer just wanted to throw us some cliche con-man tips just to give us a sense of Dublin's... personality? I guess that what it is. So, at this point, the movie's "plot" unfolds, showing Dublin failing miserably at every con he attempts, and getting his ass kicked several times. Then, all of a sudden, a woman comes out of nowhere and beats the shit out of everyone because she's afraid the police will show up if they keep "causing trouble". Dublin then decides to stalk the woman and uses his best con-man persuasion to get her to fight for him in underground boxing matches. She refuses, because he sucks at his job, and you begin to wonder how he hasn't starved to death, because he's so bad at manipulating people that it makes me cringe. Because of his utter failure to convince the unstoppable boxing woman, Kat, to fight for him so he can hustle motherfuckers out of their ca$h (CUZ WHO WOULD BET ON A WOMAN, AMIRITE?) he decides to have her arrested.

After bailing her out of jail, he manages to convince her to join him on his journey through this super-duper-secret underground boxing thing. However, where Dublin goes, people hate him, which makes you wonder if he's pissed off everyone in the whole world. The answer is yes, and it's because he's an asshole. Katherine hates him too, but she wants to get money, so she can take it home to her parents who kicked her out for being a lesbian.

Then, the rest of the movie shows Kat getting her face pulverized and beating up a string of totally incompetent boxers, that just throw tons of haymakers that she easily ducks away from. Of course, she beats them all. Then more stuff happens, but it's mostly filler and Dublin being a dick to Kat and everyone else possible. This, compounded with the fact that Dublin has no problem with Kat getting her face obliterated throughout the whole movie to make him money makes the audience (me) kind of not really care much about him. Unfortunately, the movie is about him, and not her, so we get to poke into the background of Dublin and see where this idiotic con-man came from. As it turns out, his family is pretty nice, and he just inexplicably decided to become a complete asshole, then run away from his hometown because they had enough of his bullshit. Eventually, even Katherine decides to kick his ass and give him a good old-fashioned beating on the side of the highway. For that, Kat, you are truly the hero of this movie. My only regret is that she let him live, because later in the movie, Dublin is blackmailed into having Kat throw a fight.

So, being the complete douchenozzle that he is, Dublin drugs Katherine so she gets her ass kicked, and she's carried off to the hospital in a stretcher. Good going, dude. 

But that's when the movie got so cheesy and cliche that it somehow got even worse. Dublin decides to blackmail the evil guy who blackmailed him. Normally, when you do this, the evil person just kills you, and then you're dead and that's the end. But no, the evil guy decides to generously give Kat another chance to fight, and decides to take her on himself.

Then, Dublin visits Kat in the hospital. Even though she supposedly got beaten silly, the make-up department of the movie decided to leave Kat's eyes, nose and mouth completely intact. So, Kat's whole face is covered in bruises, except for her eyes, nose and mouth. If that doesn't take you out of a movie, nothing will. I mean, her nose was white. Her eyes were wide open, and there wasn't so much as a tiny scratch on her lips. This wouldn't be that bad except later in the movie, she's shown to have a bruised eye that renders her eye swollen shut. So what the fuck, director-guy!? You thought I wouldn't notice!?

Then, there is a cliche final boss battle, where the evil guy doesn't play fair and sucker-punches Kat in the back of the head after the bell rings. Naturally, Kat comes back and knocks him the fuck out, but not before the most retarded moments in the movie, where Dublin suddenly acts like he knows how to box. "Throw that left jab to throw him off, then throw that right." he says, citing that it was used in a fight in 1973. That's like boxing 101. Way to go, genius. Cliche dialogue for the fucking lose. And think about it: how the fuck is that advice even useful? He's talking about a boxing match that happened 40 years ago between two different people who were fighting in the same weight class, whereas Kat just fights guys who are 100 pounds heavier than her, and knocks them out easily. Nevertheless, Kat replies "You suddenly sound like you know what you're talking about." NO HE DOESN'T. IT WAS STUPID GARBAGE DIALOGUE. Even "You can do this. I believe in you." would've been better. 

And how were the evil guy's goons able to subdue Kat earlier in the movie? Isn't she like, unstoppable? Well, okay, maybe not. But how in fuck's name did Dublin get into the building, enter the room they were in, grab a chair, and hit one of the goons without being noticed? And then, why did he stop after hitting one goon to say "Get off my fighter!" instead of just clobbering the other goon as well? 

And when cars break down in movies, why do the characters always get out, pop the hood open, see a bunch of smoke and say "That doesn't look good."?

And why did Speedy have such a bad aim? Why did he shoot the hood of the car instead of the windshield? WHY? 

And WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY SINGLE SHOT A CLOSE-UP!? I felt like my personal space was being invaded while watching a movie. How is that even possible!? Here's a piece of advice: pull the camera back several million feet. 

Nothing in this movie makes sense, the dialogue is really fucking bad, the main characters are both thoroughly unlikeable, because one is a bitch, and the other is an insufferable asshole of epic proportions to the point where you're praying for his death throughout most of the movie, and finally, the ending is beyond bad and totally cliche bullshit. 

I give this movie -8 stars out of 5, and have been inspired to invent a time machine so that I can warn myself in the past not to watch this.

Warning: This post may contain spoilers, so if you don't want spoilers, don't read anything above.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Jenna Talackova

This is most right post I've ever blogged on any blog site.

Let me ask you a philosophical question. Have you ever eaten a hotdog? Yes?

THEN YOU GAY.

Jenna Talackova is a lovely young woman with gorgeous locks of blonde hair and a smile that could melt a shark. Every blood cell in my body is like totally in love with her and I want to be with her. I want to want to watch a romantic movie with her while we cuddle together in the big chair, and begin kissing each other passionately. Then, I would carry her to my bedroom and...

Okay, I've just been informed mid-sentence that Jenna Talackova was born as a man, and I totally can't edit my paragraphs once I've typed them.

Holy shit! She's like, the hottest guy I've ever seen.














In my life, I've never known which kind of bros I've wanted to hang with. Do I try to hang with the cool bros who love football and get tribal arm-band tattoos? Do I hang out with my fellow nerd bros and talk about Lord Of The Rings all day and night? Do I hang out with black bros who use a lot of obscure urban vernacular that I can barely follow? I've never known the true answer to these questions. None of them seem like the right 'fit' for me. When I heard about Jenna, I knew at once what the truth was. I want to hang out with bros who have vaginas and look like female supermodels.

Look at this:




















Click to enlarge (the picture)

Now look at the boobs. Definitely totally fake. Look down at the bikini. Observe carefully the shape that forms when the bikini clings to the flesh. That is not a dick-shape. That is most certainly a vulva-shape. How did that vulva get there? I don't know. I don't really care about the whole semantic process, because the end result is completely acceptable.

"BUT BRO, SHE USED TO BE A GUY."

Yes, there used to be a penis there. I'm not debating that. If your girlfriend/wife has ever had sex with anyone other than yourself, then TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, there was a penis in HER private-area as well. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? Heck yes I did, and now you're thinking about renouncing your religion. Don't do it. You need your faith in order to know who you're supposed to hate.

So, long story short, I'd fuck her.

If I had any advice for Jenna, it would be: OH SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID IDIOT! FUCK, WE'RE ALL DEAD, GET THE FUCK OUT!

Unfortunately, I don't think our relationship would last, because she is a supermodel/beauty queen, and I'm like whatever the opposite of that is. My physique is so appallingly grotesque that I make the Tree-Man look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. This one time, I looked at a mirror, and my reflection puked. Another time, I looked at a baby, and it's head exploded, which lead to the mother suing me for eight million dollars (Like I can afford that kind of coin), but since she was holding the baby at the time of the incident, and there was no concrete evidence that my ugliness directly caused the baby's head to combust, so the jury found me not guilty. I later published a book about the incident titled "If I actually did it", detailing how I would hypothetically cause the lady's baby's head to explode, if I wanted to, which I don't. The book only sold 7 copies and my Publisher told me to "get the fuck out of her office".

Wearing a Hoodie Makes You a Criminal.

"Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cuz they shootin' errbody out here."
- Geraldo Rivera, on The O'Reilly Factor

Somewhere, Florida - A tragedy of unspeakable horror has gripped the nation's attention; 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was walking home with a bag of candy in one hand, and a soda in the other. Not a gun. A soda.

He was also wearing a hoodie.

George Zimmerman, a local guy person, spotted Martin walking through the gated community and seeing that young Trayvon Martin was a young black man with a hoodie, knew that something was amiss. So he shot him.

This story exploded overnight all over the face of the public media, sparking a controversy about Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law, which states: "Yo, if a muhfucka run up on you, you don't got no time to think. Toast dat muhfucka." which basically means that, if you feel threatened and feel like the person threatening you will probably kill and/or rape you, you have the right to shoot them until they die. Zimmerman claims that he was merely acting upon this right, even though he called the police, and the police specifically told him not to pursue Martin, and then he did anyhow, and then shot him.

On Bill O'Reilly self-named cable program, The O'Reilly Factor, guest commentator Geraldo Rivera made the following statement: "When I see a colored person wearing a hooded sweat shirt, I get really, really scared. Cold sweat starts to build on the back of my neck and my mustache begins to twitch. If blacks don't want to get shot, they need to quit freaking us white folks out by wearing hoodies. This goes for Mexicans, or Latinos, or whatever you'd call them... these people need to realize that if they wear a hoodie, it makes them look like a criminal and then we [white people] are probably going to shoot a nig- I mean black person. When you see a kid in a hoodie, what's the first thing you think of? Getting raped by black people and having to carry the shame of having a half-negro baby in your womb for 9 months. Make no mistake; they will rape the men too. I remember in 1992, a black man wearing sweatpants offered me a hotdog. I remember thinking 'A hotdog? That sounds delicious... HEY WAIT A MINUTE! He probably means his huge black dick raping me! He has sweatpants on, too, so it'll be easy to quickly rape me, then get his pants back on in time so nobody will even know what transpired.' so thinking quickly, I blew into my rape whistle, then unloaded an entire can of bear-mace into his eyes. It was actually kind of heroic, and even a little bit fun, although the hotdog stand's manager was visibly upset afterwards. I maced him too. He wasn't black or latino or anything, but I was just still kind of pissed off about the whole 'Al Capone's vault' fiasco."

Geraldo Rivera quickly apologized for these statements, later saying "lol, I was just trollin'"


Next issue: Was is it right for Rush Limbaugh to call Sandra Fluke a "cunt" on live radio?

Stupid Girl of The Week: My Mom

OKAY FOLKS WHO TOLD MY MOM I HAVE A CELEBRITY GOSSIP BLOG? I WILL FILET YOU ALIVE.

Okay, like, like, my mom was like "You think Snooki is hot? She's a tramp! No." and I was like "Shut up mom, I'm 25 years old and don't even live with you anymore!" and she was all like "Doesn't matter, I'm still your mom, and you are not going out with Snooki." and I was like "I didn't say I was going to go out with Snooki, but if I wanted to, I'd be allowed to because you have no right to say that I can't because I'm grown. I'M GROWN." and I jumped out of my chair and started doing a lot of inner-city-style hand-gestures.

If I could give my mom any advice, it would be: SHUT THE FUCK UP

I think me and my mom wouldn't work as a couple because incest is illeg- OH SHIT. Wait, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. This totally doesn't apply for this piece, now excuse me while I go throw up all these delicious banana pancakes I ate for breakfast.

Everyone is Pregnant!

Fuck it.

Everyone is having a baby and I can't keep track of it any more.