I HATE STUPID MOVIES ARGGGGGGGGGG

 

 I have but one question. Why?

As a matter of fact, I actually have another question: What the fuck?

I want to slam-dunk the writer of S. Darko into a garbage dumpster and tell him to perform fellatio on me. I want to take the maker of The Forgotten, and also throw him into the same dumpster. Then I want to grab the maker of Crash, and similarly throw him into that same dumpster, and then see all of them be poured into a dump truck. I would then dust my hands off, and say "Took out the trash." That would be awesome. But Fight Night, aka Rigged, is the last straw. This movie made me so mad that I smashed my television set on the concrete, then ran it over with my car, then punched a plate of pancakes clean out of some old guy's hands. After that, I sat down here in my computer chair to go on a verbal rampage, and put this movie up on my Worst Movies Ever list. 

Warning: Fuck you.

Movie: Fight Night.

Written by: Ian Shorr (More like bein' a bore. sup)

First, let me start this off by mashing on my keyboard wildly: p0839u5j4tgp034weeejrgifoi!!! oiwerjtglwiergoe!!!! lshddk; wsoidhgfpe8w 23qwie8hrtfp03qw984erh wdljifoduh! woqehrlowqnrlwqjn83own oisdjf89oj swoidfjwije 0w9ejfpow foj w 0uerjdfopwejf wps0uepfo0wqj w0eufjpowhf j sohfohow wso8yhf983w4ueht9owes 0psjdofhwo9 w9yto93whwe LINDSAY LOHAN IS ON CRACK 3wep4r8twe9r8 w809quetouwehdy09834utgmvskxmcow -uw9t8go 8wru9sjhf

Now, let me visualize a beautiful bonfire, where every copy of Fight Night is burning, never to be seen again.

Now, let me go to my happy place. It is a beautiful world, where the sun is shining, there is green grass, and beautiful mountains in the distance. A naked Alison Angel walks up to my side and puts her arm around me. Everything is wonderful.

Good, now I'm focused enough to break this shit movie down. Everyone involved in it's production should (and probably will) go to Hell. What they have done here is beyond anything that has ever been done in all of history, and yes, they are worse than Hitler. This movie is worse than the holocaust. The plot is worse than throwing a baby at a brick wall. This movie somehow is worse than Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen. Well, okay... maybe I'm just getting carried away now. It's not THAT bad.

Our wonderful piece of cinematic goat vomit begins with Dublin (played by some guy) narrating. He's a fairly annoying, irritating and stupid character. His profession is that of a con-man. He lays out the basic rules of his easy-money schemes:

1. Always portray the appearance of success. He wears a cheap suit and a pair of converses at all times, and doesn't own a car. He clearly follows this rule very well.

2. Always get the money beforehand. This is why he rigs fights, so he can get the money... uh... after...wards...

Okay, yeah. That makes no sense, but I feel like the writer just wanted to throw us some cliche con-man tips just to give us a sense of Dublin's... personality? I guess that what it is. So, at this point, the movie's "plot" unfolds, showing Dublin failing miserably at every con he attempts, and getting his ass kicked several times. Then, all of a sudden, a woman comes out of nowhere and beats the shit out of everyone because she's afraid the police will show up if they keep "causing trouble". Dublin then decides to stalk the woman and uses his best con-man persuasion to get her to fight for him in underground boxing matches. She refuses, because he sucks at his job, and you begin to wonder how he hasn't starved to death, because he's so bad at manipulating people that it makes me cringe. Because of his utter failure to convince the unstoppable boxing woman, Kat, to fight for him so he can hustle motherfuckers out of their ca$h (CUZ WHO WOULD BET ON A WOMAN, AMIRITE?) he decides to have her arrested.

After bailing her out of jail, he manages to convince her to join him on his journey through this super-duper-secret underground boxing thing. However, where Dublin goes, people hate him, which makes you wonder if he's pissed off everyone in the whole world. The answer is yes, and it's because he's an asshole. Katherine hates him too, but she wants to get money, so she can take it home to her parents who kicked her out for being a lesbian.

Then, the rest of the movie shows Kat getting her face pulverized and beating up a string of totally incompetent boxers, that just throw tons of haymakers that she easily ducks away from. Of course, she beats them all. Then more stuff happens, but it's mostly filler and Dublin being a dick to Kat and everyone else possible. This, compounded with the fact that Dublin has no problem with Kat getting her face obliterated throughout the whole movie to make him money makes the audience (me) kind of not really care much about him. Unfortunately, the movie is about him, and not her, so we get to poke into the background of Dublin and see where this idiotic con-man came from. As it turns out, his family is pretty nice, and he just inexplicably decided to become a complete asshole, then run away from his hometown because they had enough of his bullshit. Eventually, even Katherine decides to kick his ass and give him a good old-fashioned beating on the side of the highway. For that, Kat, you are truly the hero of this movie. My only regret is that she let him live, because later in the movie, Dublin is blackmailed into having Kat throw a fight.

So, being the complete douchenozzle that he is, Dublin drugs Katherine so she gets her ass kicked, and she's carried off to the hospital in a stretcher. Good going, dude. 

But that's when the movie got so cheesy and cliche that it somehow got even worse. Dublin decides to blackmail the evil guy who blackmailed him. Normally, when you do this, the evil person just kills you, and then you're dead and that's the end. But no, the evil guy decides to generously give Kat another chance to fight, and decides to take her on himself.

Then, Dublin visits Kat in the hospital. Even though she supposedly got beaten silly, the make-up department of the movie decided to leave Kat's eyes, nose and mouth completely intact. So, Kat's whole face is covered in bruises, except for her eyes, nose and mouth. If that doesn't take you out of a movie, nothing will. I mean, her nose was white. Her eyes were wide open, and there wasn't so much as a tiny scratch on her lips. This wouldn't be that bad except later in the movie, she's shown to have a bruised eye that renders her eye swollen shut. So what the fuck, director-guy!? You thought I wouldn't notice!?

Then, there is a cliche final boss battle, where the evil guy doesn't play fair and sucker-punches Kat in the back of the head after the bell rings. Naturally, Kat comes back and knocks him the fuck out, but not before the most retarded moments in the movie, where Dublin suddenly acts like he knows how to box. "Throw that left jab to throw him off, then throw that right." he says, citing that it was used in a fight in 1973. That's like boxing 101. Way to go, genius. Cliche dialogue for the fucking lose. And think about it: how the fuck is that advice even useful? He's talking about a boxing match that happened 40 years ago between two different people who were fighting in the same weight class, whereas Kat just fights guys who are 100 pounds heavier than her, and knocks them out easily. Nevertheless, Kat replies "You suddenly sound like you know what you're talking about." NO HE DOESN'T. IT WAS STUPID GARBAGE DIALOGUE. Even "You can do this. I believe in you." would've been better. 

And how were the evil guy's goons able to subdue Kat earlier in the movie? Isn't she like, unstoppable? Well, okay, maybe not. But how in fuck's name did Dublin get into the building, enter the room they were in, grab a chair, and hit one of the goons without being noticed? And then, why did he stop after hitting one goon to say "Get off my fighter!" instead of just clobbering the other goon as well? 

And when cars break down in movies, why do the characters always get out, pop the hood open, see a bunch of smoke and say "That doesn't look good."?

And why did Speedy have such a bad aim? Why did he shoot the hood of the car instead of the windshield? WHY? 

And WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY SINGLE SHOT A CLOSE-UP!? I felt like my personal space was being invaded while watching a movie. How is that even possible!? Here's a piece of advice: pull the camera back several million feet. 

Nothing in this movie makes sense, the dialogue is really fucking bad, the main characters are both thoroughly unlikeable, because one is a bitch, and the other is an insufferable asshole of epic proportions to the point where you're praying for his death throughout most of the movie, and finally, the ending is beyond bad and totally cliche bullshit. 

I give this movie -8 stars out of 5, and have been inspired to invent a time machine so that I can warn myself in the past not to watch this.

Warning: This post may contain spoilers, so if you don't want spoilers, don't read anything above.