Stupid Girl of The Week: My Mom

OKAY FOLKS WHO TOLD MY MOM I HAVE A CELEBRITY GOSSIP BLOG? I WILL FILET YOU ALIVE.

Okay, like, like, my mom was like "You think Snooki is hot? She's a tramp! No." and I was like "Shut up mom, I'm 25 years old and don't even live with you anymore!" and she was all like "Doesn't matter, I'm still your mom, and you are not going out with Snooki." and I was like "I didn't say I was going to go out with Snooki, but if I wanted to, I'd be allowed to because you have no right to say that I can't because I'm grown. I'M GROWN." and I jumped out of my chair and started doing a lot of inner-city-style hand-gestures.

If I could give my mom any advice, it would be: SHUT THE FUCK UP

I think me and my mom wouldn't work as a couple because incest is illeg- OH SHIT. Wait, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. This totally doesn't apply for this piece, now excuse me while I go throw up all these delicious banana pancakes I ate for breakfast.

Everyone is Pregnant!

Fuck it.

Everyone is having a baby and I can't keep track of it any more.

Hot Celebrity Fitness Tips

YOU WILL BE DEAD.

Listen, kid. The glamor and glitz of celebz' lives come with a price: the promise by the public that if celebrities do not eat radioactive waste and shit perfection, their careers will be flushed down the toilet like a smashed spider in a kleenex. This means that physical fitness is just a part of everyday life for a hot hot celeb. But what are the secrets of the stars that help them stay so fit? I've got the scoop on that.

Here are some of their snippets of wisdom:

"Do steroids." - 50 Cent

"Do a lot of steroids." - Ryan Braun

"Do so many steroids that it's insane." - Jose Canseco

"Start every day with steroids." - Carrot Top

"I have an autistic son, and I am a brave, brave single mother." - Jenny McCarthy

"To keep myself in shape, I eat a lot of vegetables and stuff." - Katy Perry

"Where the hell am I? What's going on?" - Russell Brand

"I eat a lot of bamboo." - Lady GaGa, dressed up as a panda

"QUIT YOUR CRYING, GET ON THE TREADMILL AND GO. STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY AND GIVING ME SHIT. YOU'RE HERE TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE, AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT WORKING OUT, I WILL INCINERATE YOUR BODY IN THE FURY OF MY RAGE AND PUNT YOUR SOUL INTO THE DARKEST CREVICE OF HELL AND KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY." - Jillian Michaels

"Break Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap!" - Tonya Harding

"Be active for 30 minutes every day. Get your family involved and make it fun!" - Michelle Obama






















but, Michelle, my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is in jail for...

"GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED AND MAKE IT FUN." - Michelle Obama

Hot Girl Of The Week: Snooki

What? You got a problem with this blog post, mom? Well guess what; I'm GROWN. Y'ALL CAN'T GROUND ME. I'M GROWN. Now, you may be wondering, "Why now? Isn't there some irrelevant international crisis to cover instead of Snooki, who is famous for doing nothing? Isn't our economy in a crisis? Crisis?"

Goddamn it, I'm sick of the goddamn economy. The economy can go fuck itself, if that's even possible (it's probably not). And what - if I write about the economy hard enough, then that'll make everything all better? Well, here you go: Free markets are expected to undergo booms and busts concurrent with the proliferation of the public sector debt. Most people make the assumption that economic policy and 'the economy' are interrelated, however, blah blah blah blah go suck my dick. There, you happy now? Got a job again? No? Alright, then let's talk about Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi, who isn't "famous for nothing". She's famous for being hilarious on national television. Now, no one is more hilarious than fat people, because it's still socially acceptable to poke fun at them and their jiggly rolls of fat. However, while we were all caught up in this 'economy' nonsense, Snooki rolled up in a cocoon of anorexia, and emerged as a skeletal butterfly of pure Hollywood beauty. Therefore, the transformation is complete: Snooki has gone from 'hilarious fat girl' to 'incredibly skinny girl who might still be funny but who the hell knows'.

Personally, as part of the Hollywood (and sometimes Bollywood) scene, I see rib cages and protruding spinal bones as gorgeous. I don't want boobs. I don't want butts or curves or a working reproductive system on my women - I want bones and fragility. I want to see them squeeze into size -2 dresses on red carpets, and Snooki has accomplished just that. Therefore, Snooki has become a thing of beauty in my eyes, and any tabloid that wants to bash her and LeAnn Rimes for being holocaustically gorgeous; I challenge the head editor of any such spin organization to a duel with two pistols at twenty paces.

If I had any advice to give to Snooki it would be: You go girl.

Unfortunately, I could not accept Snooki as a girlfriend, and I don't think our relationship would work out because I love eating food. I would chomp into a quadruple stack bacon cheeseburger in front of her and she'd be all like "Why you gotta eat in front of me? You're just being a jerk." and I'd be all like "Yo chica, I needs ma quadruple stack, and if you don't like it, how about you just go to hell?" and then she contest my suggestion to burn eternally in Satan's abode due to her disdain for my vile eating habits by telling me that "we're through" and then storming off in a huff. I would then be heart-broken, but not from the break-up... mostly because of the quadruple stack. That thing literally breaks hearts.

Dead Girl Of The Week: Whitney Houston

Warning: Some people may find this post offensive. If you find that you are offended by things that are clearly offensive, then I would recommend you close this blog and visit a more appropriate site for you.

You have been warned.

































Whitney Houston died.













RAWRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOO SHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT

WHY GOD WHY

A short bio on the life of Whitney Houston: Whitney Houston was born in Houston (hence, her name) in 19something9. At the young age of 27, she auditioned for a college musical called Why Are Musicals So Gay? and some very powerful illuminati talent scouts were chillin' in the audience that night. Four months later, she was signed to a record label, and released her first album: Whitney Houston: The Hits, because she figured she'd release a "best of" album immediately, because all of her songs were the best. Shortly afterwards, she started smoking crack. She smoked a lot of crack. Just tons and tons of crack. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, when asked about her crack addiction, Whitney Houston said "Diane, let me make something clear. If there was a 25th hour in each day, I'd smoke crack during that hour, as well as all the other hours. The amount of crack in each of those said hours is enough to instantly kill a healthy race horse. Stevie Wonder considers me to be his mentor. When I eat powdered donuts, I use cocaine instead of powdered sugar. Once, while I was in grade school, I was smoking crack in the front of the class. My teacher stopped the lesson and said 'Whitney, give me that crack pipe', and I asked her why. She said I shouldn't be smoking crack unless I brought enough for everybody, and let me tell you - I did. Have you ever seen a room filled with 30 fifth graders on crack? I have, but I was also on crack at the time."

If I had any advice for Whitney Houston it would be: When you come back as a zombie, do not eat Bobby Brown's brain. It's almost certainly going to be filled with crack cocaine thoughts.

I don't think Whitney Houston and I would make a good couple because she's dead, and I'm not prepared to have sex with a dead body. Like, mentally, I'm just not there. If someone held a gun to my head and said "I want you to fuck a dead body." I'd just have to turn to them and go "No. That's too freaky. I'm not doing that." and just take a bullet to the face. Also, I'm not a very big crack-smoker. In my opinion, crack is a poor person's drug and I'm far too high-class to ever even consider smoking it. Crack is cheap. Crack is stupid.

In memorandum
Whitney Houston
1963 - 2012
We'll miss ya
And all those African kids who starve to death every day

Insane Anti-Justin Bieber Post

Or is it the greatest expression of sanity?

A portrait of Justin Bieber, who has become the most reviled human being in the world.

I want to be fair. So I will. I used to respect Ludacris, until he appeared in Fred Claus and collaborated with Justin Bieber, and now I'm setting autographed copies of Chicken N Beer on fire in my front yard despite warnings from the city zoning commission to stop. I know Justin is just a kid, and doesn't deserve such bitter resentment, personal hatred, death threats, and unwarranted slander, but I think you should know when to say when, even if you're just a kid. How in the holy name of fuck can Justin Bieber think it's prudent to continue his singing career after facing an overwhelming backlash like the world has never seen? How can his parents think it's okay to continue letting Justin Bieber endure a barrage of ad hominem attacks without pulling the plug on the whole operation out of fear that their son will cut his own throat open with a chainsaw out of sheer frustration!? Although many angry, pitch-fork-waving minions of hell will disagree with me, I don't want to see that happen.

Please, Justin, if you happen to read this, I implore you to do the following:

• 1) Please end your music career asaply.
• 2) Tell Usher to fuck off.
• 3) Go into the woods to hunt and eat a wild boar.
• 4) Give one solemn apology to everyone in the world.
• 5) Do not commit suicide or start doing drugs. Remember that life can be awesome even if you're not famous and rich.

And now, the angry Youtube comments. Youtube is a particularly angry community, and even posting something cool can provoke their unwarranted ire. Enjoy:

Just came for my daily dislike.

HatrixTron 13 minutes ago

Thumbs up if u wan Justin Bieber to Die

DarkDevilx3 54 minutes ago

TACTICAL MUTE INCOMING!!!

charmingsparow 1 hour ago

the superdong is displeased with the level of hilarity here

superdong666 3 hours ago

Justin bieber should make a cover of Beyonce's song "If I were a boy".

OctoberRust96 5 hours ago

a typical fan:

i think 2 come on here and call justin bieber a c*** and want him to die is horrorfying. when my mum took a glimpse of this comment section she nearly cried, because of all of this bullying towards one human being.

get a life u fucking pathetic losers. nobody deserves this shit and i think deep down u all know it.

Joshsgirlxx 8 hours ago

Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.

007tylord 11 hours ago

Why do you insult her?? She's a very beautiful girl...:O

TheCaesar1995 15 hours ago

Pause the video, look at the likes and not likes, and leave.

SuperMegaHallo 17 hours ago

I knew it! Drugs! He's on drugs. That's the only way someone could sing the songs he do and live with it. Drugs or insanity. Had he not used drugs i guess he would have buckled under long ago.

TheLordofNorwegians 22 hours ago

etc.

Now, I'm not going to go "DIE BIEBER U SUCK FUCK U" because that's been done 7 trillion times and is downright tacky and unnecessarily cruel. I'm classy on Thursdays. His music, however, is fair game.

Keep in mind, that I'm not "jealous" of Justin Bieber. Only a dunce could come up with that mental connection; I have no problem with people being successful. Mr. Bieber is actually a marginally decent singer, but the songs that have been penned for him are garbage. Actually, 'garbage' is an understatement because if his songs were materialized, landfills would literally become sentient and reject Bieber's music from their confines for being too filthy to tolerate. The song "Baby" sounds like a combination of an orca having diarrhea while free-falling out of an airplane, a bird hitting a window, nails scratching across a chalkboard, a car running over a baby, a baby screaming in the restaurant while you're trying to just relax and eat a fucking burrito, babies screaming at 3 a.m., and a tech-9 being fired directly into one's ear. Never Say Never makes Ben Stein's intelligent-design documentary look like Hotel Rwanda or something else that's really good.

I rate Justin Bieber's music, albums, youtube channel, and videos all 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001 out of 1,000,000,000 stars, hereby declare them to be most decadent and horrifying tragedy of the modern era, lower than parasitic worms, more reviled than Nazism, the mother of all trainwrecks when the train skipped off the tracks and somehow slammed into a Boeing 747 in-flight. May God have mercy on all of our souls.

Overused memes:

It's 2012, last year of existence.

Well, the world is doomed.




















According to this Mayan calender, the due date for the utter annihilation of all humanity is set for December 21st, 2012, sometime around 4:30ish, so be sure to eat an early last meal if you want dinner. Now, I've been saying this for years; the world is going to end and blah blah blah and you probably thought I was just kidding. Well, I wasn't. Right now, I'm spending a majority of my time putting the final touches on my underground fortress, which is specifically designed to resist nuclear war, meteors, tornadoes, cicadas, Lindsay Lohan's clitoris, and lava. However, if the bunker is covered by a large amount of water and/or dirt, I am so screwed.

My supplies will include:

• - 3,650 cans of pork and beans
• - 8,000 gallons of water
• - A crowbar to kill zombies
• - Weed, man
• - Attractive Russian women
• - A bear trap
• - A manicure set, because there is nothing worse then having to go through an apocalypse with a hangnail

Why we are going to die:
















Alright, take a look at this chart. First, we have the sun, which is slightly larger than Jupiter. Then we have the so-called "inner planets", Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars. Our moon, Luna, is also shown, and is smaller than Pluto on this chart for a reason I can't fully explain. Then we have the so-called "outer planets", starting with the purple giant, Jupiter. Then we have Saturn with it's sideways rings, the always innuendo-stricken purple planet, Uranus, then Neptune. Then we have Pluto, which is most certainly not a dwarf planet just because it's smaller than a standard softball. Finally, we have Niburu.

Niburu is also known as Planet X, Tiamat, Nemesis, Marduk, Skyrim, and Shangra-La. Exactly every 4,932 years, the elliptical orbit of this celestial body loops back around to the inner solar system, and will come perilously close to the Earth. This will result in three major happenings:

1. A massive gravitational disruption that will cause major Earthquakes.
2. An asteroid the size of Arkansas to slam directly into, of all places, Arkansas.
3. The Lizard-Men will invade the Earth.





















The Lizard-Men will do battle with Earth's mightiest Amazon warriors, but in the end, will prevail and most likely kill us all. How do I know the Lizard-Men actually exist and aren't just random thing I made up out of thin air for no fucking reason!? It's simple. Think about all those ancient gods that the Akkadians worshiped. The gods were A) Lizard-Men, B) Came from space. Also, there is this:

Does this look familiar? No? Well, it should. What do you mean you've never seen this before? Good God. Go get a dollar bill and look at the back side of it. Yeah. See that? See that weird pyramid with the eye over it? Now, either the Founding Fathers were on acid when they designed that, or it's symbolism for something. Now, look at the picture here. Doesn't that eye look kind of reptilian? The scaly flesh? Ignore the eyebrow for a second and focus on how green and lizard-like that skin is. Hot damn. Basically, what it means is that the Lizard-Men are watching over us, and could kill us at any moment. Now, you may be wondering why they would want to kill a nice civilization like us. Because, we're bastards. We killed Bambi's mom. We eat manufactured food that tastes like other food that grows naturally with money that we got from jobs provided by super-rich evil overlords who exploit child labor in Bolivia, who in turn, grow up to be rapists. We are collectively responsible for Richard Simmons.

We have it coming, in other words.















Happy New Year!

It's almost Christmas 2!

Merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah to the Jews. Also, if you're into Kwanzaa, then I say a strong "Black Power!" to you, brother! Anyhow, it's that time of year again where there is magic in the air; EVIL MAGIC. I'm talking about the sorcery known as the holidays.

Yes, this stupid, chaotic, hated, loved, absolutely insane ode to commercialism/Jesus is back with a vengeance once again to terrorize downtown Tokyo while breathing fire and eating buildings as masses of Japanese people run, horrified. And let me tell you - this has been a good one, and it's not even over yet.

Yeah, I got my shopping down. I bought my brother a golden motorcycle, my sister a pink unicorn with wings, my other brother an M240, my mom a pair of wool socks, and my step-sister a huge vibrating triple-penetration dildo to stuff in her vagina so she can find it in her heart to stop being a stupid whore. And holy shit, she wants to get a chihuahua? How much more Paris Hilton can you get? Well, anyhow, I also got Eminem a signed copy of Mariah Carey's Christmas Album. I'm sure he'll really appreciate it.

I bought Rosie O'Donnell a new career, because she broke the last one.

I bought a bullhorn for Bill O'Reilly so he can yell at his guests even louder!

I picked up a really cute pair of Hello Kitty socks for 50 Cent.

I bought a Rebecca Black album for Justin Bieber.

For Lady GaGa, I made a sphinx out of fish-flavored cake and put it inside of a spherical golden cage, with a pair of conjoined motorcycle-riding twins to continuously ride around inside the cage around the sphinx.

I picked out some really nice orange jumpsuits for Lindsay Lohan.

For the Jackass crew, I cloned Ryan Dunn and created a new human being in his likeness who I have named "Brian Dunn", and he is rapidly growing and will soon be able to participate in reckless shenanigans and work on vehicles.

For Hulk Hogan, I bought him a shirt. He already ripped it in half.

I paid for some comedy classes for Olivia Munn so that she can hopefully be funny someday.

I know a lot of people have some weird problem with Barack Obama being half-white, so I bought his mother 5,000 tanning sessions and a Namibian citizenship, so she can be dark-skinned and African, which technically, would make Obama fully black.

I bought Seth MacFarlane a closet, so he can come out of it.

I bought Seth Green a bunch of Star Wars shit, because he loves that shit.

I purchased Selena Gomez a year's worth of herpes-treatment creme to get rid of those disgusting puss-filled spores that Justin Bieber gave her.

I also gave Justin Bieber a kick in the face, because I know he's been asking for one for a long time.

I didn't know what to get for Iliza Shlesinger, so I just gave her a coupon for 1 session of sexual intercourse with me.

Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about Christmas. Christmas is a [black] magic time of year, when people act like total assholes, those people stand outside of stores ringing bells for hours for menial amounts of money, tons of pine trees are mercilessly slaughtered, and a morbidly obese elf-man with levitating cervidae fly to every single house within the span of 12 hours to deliver gifts to all the little good girls and boys, little suspecting that their families already bought them shit. All of Santa's toys are manufactured by elf slave-labor and Santa Claus is a slave-master, and he must be stopped.

Also, Jesus was born? Oh, yeah - Christmas haters love to clamor on about how Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, but can't actually put their finger on exactly what that holiday was. Was it the The Winter Festival of Death, where the pagans would cut themselves around a giant bonfire and sacrificing their young virgin females to the giant wild-boar-god, Poom-Baw? Or perhaps the Scandinavian Yule, which was not actually a precursor to Christmas, and was eventually replaced with Christmas by King Haakon I of Sveden, who ruled with an iron fist, and drank the blood of his enemies from a goblet carved out of granite.

So yeah, who knows. All this "separation of church and state vs this nation is christian" rubbish just needs to be slam-dunked into the nearest trash bin. Just shut up and enjoy the goddamn holiday already!

Remember remember
the fifth of November
the gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot

KIM KARDASHIAN DIVORCE SCANDAL

Well, it's not actually much of a scandal.























After 72 days of holy matrimony, Kim Kardashian and Kris-whats-his-face have signed the divorce papers. The reason was "irreconcilable differences", which means Kris was beating her and prematurely ejaculating. Or maybe Kim was beating him, and she was prematurely ejaculating woman-cum before intercourse, then she would just fall asleep on top of him before he was satisfied.

According to Kim's mother, the marriage was most definitely not just for publicity purposes, because the Kardashians have never done anything just for getting publicity. Never. Ever.

This is just latest celebrity divorce, which always come in a series of threes, and frankly, I don't care that much, because I just want to know about how Herman Cain used to go around grabbing women's boobs back in the day. He just loved grabbing their boobs and going "This is how we say hello where I come from." and the women would reply with "Do you also normally put your hands up the shirt and bra and grab the boobs directly?" and Herman Cain was all like "Hail yeahhh."

What a pimp. I hope he becomes the President, because I believe the main reason you should become President is to get a lot of pussy. Bill Clinton had the right idea, but he didn't take it far enough, and denied he was doing it. The way I believe it should be done is openly, sometimes on live television, and done very often.

But uh, yeah, Kim Kardashian blah blah blah.