YOU WILL BE DEAD.
Listen, kid. The glamor and glitz of celebz' lives come with a price: the promise by the public that if celebrities do not eat radioactive waste and shit perfection, their careers will be flushed down the toilet like a smashed spider in a kleenex. This means that physical fitness is just a part of everyday life for a hot hot celeb. But what are the secrets of the stars that help them stay so fit? I've got the scoop on that.
Here are some of their snippets of wisdom:
"Do steroids." - 50 Cent
"Do a lot of steroids." - Ryan Braun
"Do so many steroids that it's insane." - Jose Canseco
"Start every day with steroids." - Carrot Top
"I have an autistic son, and I am a brave, brave single mother." - Jenny McCarthy
"To keep myself in shape, I eat a lot of vegetables and stuff." - Katy Perry
"Where the hell am I? What's going on?" - Russell Brand
"I eat a lot of bamboo." - Lady GaGa, dressed up as a panda
"QUIT YOUR CRYING, GET ON THE TREADMILL AND GO. STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY AND GIVING ME SHIT. YOU'RE HERE TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE, AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT WORKING OUT, I WILL INCINERATE YOUR BODY IN THE FURY OF MY RAGE AND PUNT YOUR SOUL INTO THE DARKEST CREVICE OF HELL AND KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY." - Jillian Michaels
"Break Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap!" - Tonya Harding
"Be active for 30 minutes every day. Get your family involved and make it fun!" - Michelle Obama
but, Michelle, my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is in jail for...
"GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED AND MAKE IT FUN." - Michelle Obama
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