Hot Girl Of The Week: Snooki

What? You got a problem with this blog post, mom? Well guess what; I'm GROWN. Y'ALL CAN'T GROUND ME. I'M GROWN. Now, you may be wondering, "Why now? Isn't there some irrelevant international crisis to cover instead of Snooki, who is famous for doing nothing? Isn't our economy in a crisis? Crisis?"

Goddamn it, I'm sick of the goddamn economy. The economy can go fuck itself, if that's even possible (it's probably not). And what - if I write about the economy hard enough, then that'll make everything all better? Well, here you go: Free markets are expected to undergo booms and busts concurrent with the proliferation of the public sector debt. Most people make the assumption that economic policy and 'the economy' are interrelated, however, blah blah blah blah go suck my dick. There, you happy now? Got a job again? No? Alright, then let's talk about Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi, who isn't "famous for nothing". She's famous for being hilarious on national television. Now, no one is more hilarious than fat people, because it's still socially acceptable to poke fun at them and their jiggly rolls of fat. However, while we were all caught up in this 'economy' nonsense, Snooki rolled up in a cocoon of anorexia, and emerged as a skeletal butterfly of pure Hollywood beauty. Therefore, the transformation is complete: Snooki has gone from 'hilarious fat girl' to 'incredibly skinny girl who might still be funny but who the hell knows'.

Personally, as part of the Hollywood (and sometimes Bollywood) scene, I see rib cages and protruding spinal bones as gorgeous. I don't want boobs. I don't want butts or curves or a working reproductive system on my women - I want bones and fragility. I want to see them squeeze into size -2 dresses on red carpets, and Snooki has accomplished just that. Therefore, Snooki has become a thing of beauty in my eyes, and any tabloid that wants to bash her and LeAnn Rimes for being holocaustically gorgeous; I challenge the head editor of any such spin organization to a duel with two pistols at twenty paces.

If I had any advice to give to Snooki it would be: You go girl.

Unfortunately, I could not accept Snooki as a girlfriend, and I don't think our relationship would work out because I love eating food. I would chomp into a quadruple stack bacon cheeseburger in front of her and she'd be all like "Why you gotta eat in front of me? You're just being a jerk." and I'd be all like "Yo chica, I needs ma quadruple stack, and if you don't like it, how about you just go to hell?" and then she contest my suggestion to burn eternally in Satan's abode due to her disdain for my vile eating habits by telling me that "we're through" and then storming off in a huff. I would then be heart-broken, but not from the break-up... mostly because of the quadruple stack. That thing literally breaks hearts.