According to this Mayan calender, the due date for the utter annihilation of all humanity is set for December 21st, 2012, sometime around 4:30ish, so be sure to eat an early last meal if you want dinner. Now, I've been saying this for years; the world is going to end and blah blah blah and you probably thought I was just kidding. Well, I wasn't. Right now, I'm spending a majority of my time putting the final touches on my underground fortress, which is specifically designed to resist nuclear war, meteors, tornadoes, cicadas, Lindsay Lohan's clitoris, and lava. However, if the bunker is covered by a large amount of water and/or dirt, I am so screwed.
My supplies will include:
- - 3,650 cans of pork and beans
- - 8,000 gallons of water
- - A crowbar to kill zombies
- - Weed, man
- - Attractive Russian women
- - A bear trap
- - A manicure set, because there is nothing worse then having to go through an apocalypse with a hangnail
Alright, take a look at this chart. First, we have the sun, which is slightly larger than Jupiter. Then we have the so-called "inner planets", Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars. Our moon, Luna, is also shown, and is smaller than Pluto on this chart for a reason I can't fully explain. Then we have the so-called "outer planets", starting with the purple giant, Jupiter. Then we have Saturn with it's sideways rings, the always innuendo-stricken purple planet, Uranus, then Neptune. Then we have Pluto, which is most certainly not a dwarf planet just because it's smaller than a standard softball. Finally, we have Niburu.
Niburu is also known as Planet X, Tiamat, Nemesis, Marduk, Skyrim, and Shangra-La. Exactly every 4,932 years, the elliptical orbit of this celestial body loops back around to the inner solar system, and will come perilously close to the Earth. This will result in three major happenings:
1. A massive gravitational disruption that will cause major Earthquakes.
2. An asteroid the size of Arkansas to slam directly into, of all places, Arkansas.
3. The Lizard-Men will invade the Earth.
The Lizard-Men will do battle with Earth's mightiest Amazon warriors, but in the end, will prevail and most likely kill us all. How do I know the Lizard-Men actually exist and aren't just random thing I made up out of thin air for no fucking reason!? It's simple. Think about all those ancient gods that the Akkadians worshiped. The gods were A) Lizard-Men, B) Came from space. Also, there is this:
Does this look familiar? No? Well, it should. What do you mean you've never seen this before? Good God. Go get a dollar bill and look at the back side of it. Yeah. See that? See that weird pyramid with the eye over it? Now, either the Founding Fathers were on acid when they designed that, or it's symbolism for something. Now, look at the picture here. Doesn't that eye look kind of reptilian? The scaly flesh? Ignore the eyebrow for a second and focus on how green and lizard-like that skin is. Hot damn. Basically, what it means is that the Lizard-Men are watching over us, and could kill us at any moment. Now, you may be wondering why they would want to kill a nice civilization like us. Because, we're bastards. We killed Bambi's mom. We eat manufactured food that tastes like other food that grows naturally with money that we got from jobs provided by super-rich evil overlords who exploit child labor in Bolivia, who in turn, grow up to be rapists. We are collectively responsible for Richard Simmons.We have it coming, in other words.
Happy New Year!
ZZAK!
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