Hey, whatever happened to Paris Hilton?

Hey, remember Paris Hilton?

















No Official Certified Profession Celebrity Gossip Blog would be complete without Paris Hilton. It would be like breakfast without bacon. It would be like be like Geraldo Rivera without a mustache. It would be like Paris Hilton without a penis in her vagina. Unfortunately for myself, and everyone else, Paris Hilton has been quieter than a church mouse, and you all know how quiet mice are when they're breaking into a church to eat that stale bread before it can transmogrify into the body of Christ. Those bastards.

Paris Hilton first made her first cerebral scars onto the cranium of America in 2003, with her hit reality-series The Simple Life, which chronicled her heart-warming journey of self-discovery on a rural farm along with sidekick Nicole "Holocaust Victim" Richie, torn from the luxurious glamour of their normal lives. However, instead of learning about simple living, the duo learned nothing, which seems to be a recurring theme.

The fame bestowed on them caused them to be on the cover of every magazine, even the sciencey ones. It seemed like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, Bliss (caused by ignorance), and apparently, night-vision cameras. But out of the blue, they vanished from the headlines.

Leaving an empty hole in my heart...


As a matter of fact...
















Hey, whatever happened to Tara Reid?

Last time I heard, she had a bit of a nipple slip during a red carpet event, where it took her several hours before she realized her boob was showing. The boob flash made one thing very clear: she got plastic surgery done by the same doctor who created The Human Centipede. Upon further photo analysis, she had other operations that seriousssss screwed up her body.

This is tragic. Tara Reid, while not being particularly bright, is very pretty, and she's RUINING it. I'd almost rather see Larry King naked, but OH WAIT, I already have! DAMN YOU, JON STEWART!

Still, Tara Reid's botched boobs/stomach are nothing compared to Paris Hilton's bizarre-looking other-worldly purple vagina. A normal, healthy vagina is surrounded by a beautiful soft pink/peach. Paris Hilton's vagina, however, is surrounded by dark purple flaps of skin that would flop around if there was a breeze blowing. It's like what would happen if you took the black gums in the mouths of dogs and used that tissue to make a vulva.

In short, it's an abomination to humanity.

Also, in even shorter, where are these girls? We need them to return, for the sake of all that is good and right in this world.

Penguins

You're welcome.

I'm on drugs and I just ate at Arby's

Well, it happened.

Before you get too excited, I already lost my ass virginity, so it's not that. I got the very first doses of my meds, so if you ever wondered "Why won't that kid just shut up and take his pills?", then let me just elaborate on the point that I had no pills to take up until this point, but now I do. Also, I'm writing this while being high. So if I throw in a weird-ass nonsensical out-of-place sentence about a giant Obamabot fighting a giant Penguin in the streets of Tokyo before realizing it was a girl giant penguin, and subsequently, destroying the entire city in a giant night-vision-goggle sex-video apocalypse, don't blame me.

Also, I just ate Arby's.

Today, I saw a news story about how Taco Bell's taco may or may not contain actual beef, but rather, "seasoned beef product" or some such nonsense. This made me think. Artificial food tastes delicious, and I want to know how I can make some of my own "beef product". I know that it involves a huge amount of high-fructose corn syrup and possible ground-up internal goat organs.

Now, some people may object to eating processed food upon discovering what's in it, but those people are too picky. That's why they're not eating fresh vegetables in the first place. I, on the other hand, realize that Fast Food is by far our most successful industry, and I think we should put Fast Food somewhere in the Pledge of Allegiance. There was this truck commercial that said "America got two things right: trucks and freedom". Wrong on both counts. The thing we got right was Fast Food, and to lesser extent, our ability to borrow an infinite amount of money from the Chinese. It's okay though; they're basically powerless against us, because if they ever demanded we pay back the debt, we'd instantly cut off their supply of cats and their population would starve off within days.

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

It's part of the conspiracy, man. You think your Government is telling you the truth? If you answer "Yes", then you need to get really, really, really high and then listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon while watching The Wizard Of Oz in sync, and you'll be all like "Oh shit". Think about this: the Humane Society goes around abducting millions, possibly billions (possibly trillions) of stray cats and dogs off da streetz everyday, to hold them for "adoption". If they aren't adopted, they tell us that they put the animals to sleep, which is Humane Society code for "We kill 'em. We kill 'em dead". In reality, all the animals are loaded onto a C-130 Transport Plane and flown to China to be turned into the meat for the Taco Bell franchises in mainland China. The spare cat parts are a regular part of the diet. Eggrolls? It's loaded with cat tongue meat. General Tso's "Chicken"? Cat penis. Won Ton Soup? Cat eyeballs. Kung Pow Chicken? Cat testicles + whiskers.

So, in closing, be sure to adopt a cat, or Sarah McLachlan is going to sing a super-sad song on TV while showing images of kittens until you die.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Warning: A post reeks of bad judgment. This post.


I know what you're thinking. "What a fool." you muse to yourself as you sip your herbal tea and adjust your glasses, because you presume yourself to be an intellectual. Well, you're not. You're a dirty bitch with AIDS. I can do anything I want, because this is America, and anarchy reigns in the streets. The other day, I saw a baby selling cigarettes. I saw a dog with only two legs eating a basketball for nourishment. I saw store owner smash his own window with a piece of furniture from his own store.

Anyyyyhow, every team needs a rebel; someone who just butts heads with everyone else, possibly due to having their blood infused with ram DNA. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles had Michelangelo. NWA had Ice Cube. The View has Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is the Ice Cube of The View.

Like most civilized nations, we deal with our anger through physical violence and blind rage and destruction. That's why we love watching Jerry Springer. However, whenever Politics is discussed, it never ends in knives being pulled. Imagine if Alan Colmes stabbed Sean Hannity on live TV. You can't. It just never happens. That is why people have so much penned-up rage when it comes to Politics, because they have no way of constructively channeling their emotions into a single Buddhist Palm technique that leaves a giant handprint-crater in the ground.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck discusses Politics, and therefore, 50% of the population hates her. The other 50% supports her, because they gotta stay true 2 tha game. Well, interestingly enough, I never really gave a damn until a friend explained to me that he found Elizabeth Hasselbeck attractive, and I was all "wuuuuuutttt" but then I had to say that I was inclined to agree with his disposition to initiate his phallic engorgement systems when visualizing her presence. Also, this friend was a hxc conservative who was trying to convince me that we need to carpet bomb Iran, but that's another story for another post. Personally, I don't think dropping carpets on a country that exports Persian Rugs would be very effective; it'd be like using Rock Slide against a Rhynadon.

In short, this has nothing to with politics.

Now with that out of the way, let me just give the facts: Elizabeth Hasselbeck was born sometime around 10 to 50 years ago in a small village in rural Thailand, which was burned by bandits. Hasselbeck was then raised by Tigers in the jungle, and taught to rip raw meat from the bones of an elephant using her teeth. She was then offered a job as a host on The View, a show where allegedly intelligent women discuss the issues of the day. Hasselbeck quickly bonded with the other ladies of the show, and they all loved her and everyone held hands and danced in a circle while wearing all white, and wearing a ring of flowers on their heads.

If I could give any advice to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, it would be: Never admit you're wrong about anything. As soon as you do, the socialists have won.

I don't think Elizabeth Hasselbeck and myself would be compatible because, to be honest, I would just haul off and smack her. Like, I would just abruptly fly into a Chris Brown level of rage and beat her without mercy or shame. But not really. That would be wrong. I'm just not into blondes... oh wait... I can't use that excuse... uhm...

Okay, she's just too stupid. There, I said it.

GaGa news

There will be a new Lady GaGa album on February 16th, 2011. Be sure to pirate it and then upload the tracks to Youtube with horribly misspelled lyrics so I can listen to them.

How to be a Rapper: A Quick Make-Up Tutorial

Are you sick of being a douchebag? Do you want all your friends to think you're cool?














Hmm, yeah?

Then you may want to consider a career as a Professional Hip-Hop Artist, also known as a Rapper, or an Emcee, or, in some rare instances, A Very Musical Gangster. You know some hardcore gang bangers have music in them; we all do, and that's what makes the human imagination so magical, even the imaginations of those guys who go around shooting people.

Note: Not all rappers are gangsters, and not all gangsters are rappers. If you ever took an IQ test, you'd realize that, SON.

So, look, 2012 is coming soon, and there may not be much time to pursue your dreams, and Randy Quaid has been exiled to Canada, so he won't be able to save us this time, so if you ever want to make your dreams of banging Miss Info and possibly a Kardashian sister come true, you need to get your rap career started quick.

I'm convinced that becoming a rapper is easy. You don't have to sing, dance, write your music, do anything, etc., in order to be successful. All you need is to follow The Formula. No one knows who invented The Formula, because so many people take credit for it, myself included, so let's just say that it was invented by Bill Gates. For instance, consider that Lil Wayne is the Best Rapper Alive. This is a fact, because it was confirmed by Lil Wayne himself, who also began the rumor that he was the Best Rapper Alive, despite this title being disputed by everyone else, even rappers on his own label. But that's part of hip-hop! Even if everyone else in the world is totally against what flies out of your mouth, The Laws of Hip-Hop dictate that you must "fuck 'em all" (Not sexually) and go against the grain. Well, anyhow! Lil Wayne went on the Tim Westwood show and had this to say when asked to do a "freestyle" live:

"I don't even know how to rap!"

And he wasn't even kidding.

If you are unfamiliar with freestyling, it is the act of rapping live, but not using any pre-meditated rhymes, which means you make it up as you go along. Lil Wayne busted out this freestyle:

[long pause]
[laughs]
Okay...
Welcome to the Carter
Little shoppa [unintelligible]
Bloody like a period, after [Dee Arthur!?]
Doctor, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog!
Not George Town, but I'm-a Uptown hood
[Laughs]
Like the law and my lawyers
I got them come be my employers
Freestylin', for ya know, know me
No, no, only for Monique
More of the money I get, I got that
Yeah, like a pot and a pan, I rock that
Yeah, I back with my bus driver, where to go?
[long pause]
[takes a sip of drink]
They diminish, I replenish
Scientific, I'm out this world, homes
AND I WEAR BRIGHT RED, LIKE A GIRL TOE! NO HOMO!
My fingernails dirty cuz I been counting dirty money since 12:30
a.m., weigh them, if they show up, take them, right back spray him, amen!
I just do my Wayne, and every time I do it, I do my thang!
YEAH.
[takes a drink]
[wipes sweat from forehead from intense concentration]


Now, just imagine him saying these rhymes very slowly, and out of rhythm. I know some of the lines didn't even rhyme or make any sense, but it's hard out there for a rapper, who's just trying to make a buck, or several million.

Okay, here we go.

1 - Everything has to be in Black and White.






















Pretty simple, right?


2 - You must wear an oversized white t-shirt, baggy jeans, old gym shoes, a leather jacket, a baseball cap, and a gold necklace at all times.

3 - You must drive a fly mercedes and fill it with fly ladies.

4 - Tell everyone that you're a rapper, even if they don't ask. Just go around freestyling all the time and telling people that you're a rapper, possibly the best. If they get annoyed, call them a hater and tell them that "they'll be sorry someday soon".

5 - You must talk like you are from The Hood at all times. If you talk in a non-Hood voice, then everyone from The Hood will know that you're faking it, so don't ever even use your non-Hood voice, ever!

6 - Look at people like this:
















If anyone asks why you're looking at them that way, just say "I'm a rapper", and they'll totally understand.

7 - Have swagger. Swagger isn't just walking really weird, it's an attitude. People have to feel your aura, so that they automatically know how fly of a rapper you is. I mean "are".

8 - Copy everything that Jay-Z does, but pretend that you don't, and then tell people that you're a Nas fan.













"My name is Hov. How are you?"


9 - Always hang out at clubs and with models. Never hang out with computer nerds, emo kids, and old white men, unless of course, those old white men are Tim Westwood.


10 - Unfortunately, there may come a time when you need actual rap lyrics to spew out of your mouth. On the bright side, it's EZ!!! Just find a bunch of words that sound cool and rhyme, then just start throwing them together. Here are a few to get you started:

Club - Bub (Short for Bubbly, which is short for Champagne)
Shorty - For me (It works, just slur it)
Rims - Trim (You should be using this to refer to a fly shorty)
Car - Bar
Cat - Hat
Girl - Twirl
Heezy - Sheezy
You know - Fo Sho
Flo - Show
Go - Ho
Bitch - Rich
Rocks - Glocks
Nuts - Butts

I hope that helped.

If you are still confused on how to write a rap song, don't worry. Just say "I'm a dog!" like 80 times, and probably some people will still think it's a decent freestyle. For your songs, just get a Canadian to write your rap lyrics, because they have unlimited marijuana up there, which boosts their creativity +3

THE END

NO, LINDSAY, NO!

My sources tell me that Lindsay Lohan has been spotted hangin' out again with Sam Ronson, Lesbo DJ Extraordinaire. As you probably know, they had a full-on lesbian relationship, complete with combat boots and power tools, which is totally fine, because we all know that gays are just born that way, and it's not a choice. Kind of... I mean, Lindsay Lohan dated boys for a long while, and then she suddenly became a lesbian with Sam Ronson, so apparently, you can choose to be gay?

Sam Ronson (left) may appear to be a very pleasant person by her evil scowl, but believe me, she is no angel! Remember, all angels are men, so that would be impossible. Also, she works for clubs. Something you should know about clubs is that they go under the guise of "a place where music is played really loud so people can dance", but in reality, it's a place to get super-drunk, super-wasted and then find someone to bring back to your apartment for some hot hot sexing. Maybe two people. It is a well-known fact, though, that all those people who go there have AIDS.

So, if we EVER want to see Herbie The Lovebug 2: Dance To The Beetle, then we have to keep Lindsay free of AIDS and extacy!

My Grandma sent me a Facebook friend request

I feel like we're living in a backwards, upside-down universe where the sky is green and the grass is blue, where women pursue men so that they can stick their vaginas into the men's penises, and where environmentalism is practical.

Now, there's really nothing to consider. I have to accept my Grandma as a friend on Facebook, or else I will be killed by a Colombian firing squad in some remote jungle military camp. On the plus side, they would probably give me a last request and I'd be like "Dude, you got any cocaine around here?" and they'd be like "Dude! Cocaine is everywhere. These clothes I'm wearing are made of cocaine. There is cocaine in the dirt. Just by taking a deep breath, you are sniffing a nearly-lethal amount of cocaine." and I'd be all "Sweet." and then ask to sniff some cocaine off of a secret button that plunges Colombia into the ocean. Then I'd hit the button with my nose and they'd be like "JESUS NO." as the swirling, crashing waves engulf us.

So, I'll probably stall a lot and say I haven't used Facebook in weeks, and then finally accept and then lose all my street cred.

Arizona Shooter's Rant Translated!

A couple days ago, there was a truly horrendous shooting that took place in Arizona. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, along with 14 other people, were shot at point blank range when a gunman began opening fire during a "meet and greet" session being held by the Congresswoman.

The shooter, 22-year-old Jared Loughner, released a series of videos before the shooting talking about something, which has stumped and mystified experts in the media and in various academic circles. I'm not sure why academics create circles, or what happens in those circles, but that's not important. What's important is that I am going to translate what Loughner's rants actually mean!

"Firstly, the current government officials are in power for their currency, but I'm informing you for your new currency! If you're treasurer of a new money system, then you're responsible for the distributing of a new currency. We now know - the treasurer for a new money system, is the distributor of the new currency. As a result, the people approve a new money system which is promising new information that's accurate, and we truly believe in a new currency. Above all, you have your new currency, listener? "

What this means is that we vote people into office because we subliminally think that they will put their face on the dollar bills, and so we pick the most attractive candidate so that our dollar bills won't be ugly.

Loughner also goes onto say that because some treasurer (who could be me, or someone else. he just says 'you', so I assumed he was speaking directly to me, kind of like the people in commercials do) is going to make a new kind of money, "the people" approve of it. Well, that makes perfect sense to me. If I made a new kind of money, I expect people to approve of it. That's just common sense. You don't want to be rude and say my new money sucks.

"Secondly, my hope - is for you to be literate! If you're literate in English grammar, then you comprehend English grammar. The majority of people, who reside in District 8, are illiterate - hilarious. I don't control your English grammar structure, but you control your English grammar structure."

Pretty straightforward. Loughner is being sarcastic and is joking about his illiteracy. Obviously, you don't just throw a random dash into the middle of a sentence for no reason, and then follow it with a redundancy like "If you know English, then you understand English".

He mentions the prawns of District 8 being illiterate. He obviously did extensive research to come to that conclusion.

He then mentions how he doesn't control the structure of my grammar, which I didn't realize. Up until this point, I was sure he was controlling my grammar's structure, but then he let me know that no, he doesn't. I do. I control my own grammar structure, and can arrange sentences in any manner I choose, like this: bob hi name my, outside building go want to orange juice?

"Thirdly, I know who's listening: Government Officials, and the People. Nearly all the people, who don't know this accurate information of a new currency, aren't aware of mind and brainwash methods. If I have my civil rights, then this message wouldn't have happen."

Also fairly straightforward: Big Brother brainwashed you through Jay-Z music and now you can't comprehend having a new currency.

Major English grammar mistake: Ending a verb with an improper future-tense.

"In conclusion, my ambition - is for informing literate dreamers about a new currency; in a few days, you know I'm conscience dreaming! Thank you!"

Again, a completely random and unnecessary hyphen/dash in a sentence for no reason. Then again, The Government probably brainwashed me into believing I can't just throw punctuation into my sentence in a manner that defies logic or explanation.

Finally, he says that in a few days, he will go on a killing spree while sleep walking, because if you tell everyone that you're sleepwalking in advance, they can't really blame you for your actions legally, because you didn't even know you were doing it.


There are more rants, and here are a few highlights from them:

"If the B.C.E. years are unable to start, then the A.D.E. years are unable to begin."

This simply means that if the years before Christ's birth did not happen, then the years afterwards would also not happen, because the past has to happen before the present. Duh.

"The argument to call me a terrorist is Ad hominem"

This means if you call him a "terrorist", then you are ignoring the facts (that he uses violence to spread a radical message) and are focusing on attacking his character.

"If I'm the mind controller, then I control the belief and the religion."

Another "Well, duh" moment.



I would like to close a serious note though, because even though his rants rival Cho Seung-Hui's in terms of sheer craziness (To a point where's it's quite comical), there is obviously a very real tragedy that happened.

I myself have serious concerns about the currency of the United States because of inflation, but I would never shoot anyone, or behave violently because of it -- because that's just nuts -- and I would encourage everyone with similar concerns to approach the subject calmly, and with an objective and peaceful solution that you are willing to work hard for.

The Government isn't brainwashing us. If they were, then they would tell us that Democracy is evil, and that following a dictator is good, and then take over the country. Some people are so egotistical though, that they believe everyone else to be intellectually inferior, and think they've uncovered some amazing secret about society that nobody else sees because we're all just a bunch of brainwashed morons.

I personally feel very sad for everyone who lost family members, and I really hope the outpouring of compassion towards them will help bring them some comfort. I also hope the best for the Congresswoman, and hope she makes a full recovery. I could say that I hope that nothing like this ever happens again, but that would be naive; tragedies are part of life, and will continue to happen despite our best efforts. I'm not even sure we get really "get" something out of this or even learn from it. The only thing I hope for, personally, is that the people who are injured will survive and recover, and that the people who have lost loved ones be comforted.

Omegle Conversation #1

Stranger: You into music?

Me: Nah, music sucks.

Stranger: Music is life.

Me: It's just random noisez.

Stranger: Yeah, with a message behind it.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Oh no

I just learned that Balto is dead.

I hate the Glee version of every song.

There are many things I love in this world: Cookies, Armadillo meat, Shutting crying babies up by stuffing their mouths with an extra-large cabbage, and of course, celebrities. However, there are some things that I simply cannot abide by, such as screaming babies. Why do babies scream anyhow? Everything in their bodies are underdeveloped, like their muscles, bones, internal organs, and of course, brain power (which is why they just jabber like morons and shit their pants) but apparently, they have fully-developed super-powerful lungs right away. That makes no sense. That's the opposite of how evolution is supposed to work. Creatures are supposed to evolve so that they can survive, but if a baby is screaming, a cheetah is going to hear the screams and then eat the baby.

Like most people who aren't sociopaths building bombs in their log cabins, I enjoy music. Also like most people, I am an elitist when it comes to my music. If there is a piece of music which does not abide by my imaginary rules of how music should be, it makes me extremely angry, and I usually direct this anger at people and animals. So if someone makes a cover of a song I like, and I don't feel like that particular person is "allowed" to do the said cover, I will bring down the hammer of Thor on them.

The hit show Glee covers many songs, and I despise them all. How dare they. How. Dare. They. Their covers are so despicable to my ears that it's making me deliver sentences that are just one word long, which doesn't even make any sense. That's how mad I am. Glee has many fans, which consist of:

- fangurlz

- Gays

This is hair-rippingly outrageous. Gays? Fangurlz? Disgusting!

Therefore, I have drafted this response to Glee, which I hope the creators will read, because I know they spend a lot of time reading random blogs on the internet:

Dear Glee,

Quit being douchetards. Stop ruining ma songs. You have NO RIGHT. HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU. I challenge you to a duel. 20 paces, 2 pistols, you and me. What? Scared? You should be, BITCH. Not so gleeful now, are ya? PEACE

P.S. - I also have some of your mail. I think it's just junk mail, but it came my mailbox by mistake, so if you want to come by and pick it up sometime, that's fine.

My New Year's Resolutions

2011 is officially here and you know what that means.

That's right: A new model of Japanese sex robots, Iran testing their first nuclear bomb, and of course, New Year Resolutions. You may be wondering what a resolution is. Well, screw you. I'll never tell.

Here are my resolutions for this year:

- Wax Museum in my house

- I resolve to breathe oxygen every day and every night

- Record rap album

- Get a picture of me next to Barack Obama while flashing a gang sign (I will be the one flashing the gang sign, not the president.)

- Hoard pets

- Fight the power

- Call Major Tom

- Rearrange your face in alphabetical order

- Remix a Taylor Swift song to add some Kanye West vocals into it

- Wear a dress made of meat

- Eat some chicken wings

- Score some coke

- Turn into a jet

- Bomb the Russians

- Fight a shark, and then eat the dead shark's body

- Fight a bear; lose; have the bear eat my dead body

- Fight an Irish guy while drunk

- Say something racist right in front of Al Sharpton

- Tell your mom I have sexual feelings for her. YOUR mom.

- Make fun of Daft Punk fans. Oh wait, I already do that.

- Reach enlightenment

- Install Linux on some unsuspecting person's computer just to watch 'em squirm

- Bitch

- Eat a bat

- Reach for the stars

- Quit smoking

- Start smoking again

- Start smoking crack

- Live on the streets and start sucking dicks for money to buy more crack

- Get into rehab

- Get my life back together

- drive off a cliff

- Expose Benny Hinn as a fraud (Maybe I'll do this first, as it will be the easiest one)

- Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches

- Try a new apple cake recipe

- Snap a geek over my knee just for looking at me

- Eat glass

- Eat grass

- Eat ass (of a pig, aka ham)

- Eat a bass

- Eat a 100 dollar bill

- Get a black belt in a martial art that doesn't exist

- Poop

- Wonder about the meaning of the universe, and to a lesser extent, the uniboob

- Punch a Winnie The Pooh mascot in the dick!



Well, I have a busy year ahead of me. Good luck to everyone on keeping their resolutions, because nothing will make you hate yourself more than making a promise to yourself, and then instantly breaking it because you have no character or will power, which is why you are not the main character in the movie/reality show that you imagine yourself to be in.