Kate Middleton Gives Birth to The Antichrist, Destroys All Dissent

London, UK - A birth in the Royal Family is so often a joyous occasion in jolly ol' England, but Kate Middleton, that filthy commoner, has defiled Prince William's Royal Penis, whose sperm was ordained by God to only enter the uterus of royalty, not some insolent street-rat. However, much to the dismay of the Kings and Queens across Europe and the globe, some half-blood was born in a London hospital around last Thursday, and is scheduled to be ordained as the heir to the throne on 12/21/12. The Mayans knew this would happen. The ceremony will involve a young virgin being brought before the child, and her throat is to be slit, and the blood to be sprinkled onto the baby's forehead.

The brave citizens of England have been reduced to a quivering mass of trembling blubber in the wake of the Antichrist's birth, but one brave radio station was brave and bravely prank-called the hospital where Kate Middleton was staying, and using a poor impression of the Queen of England, they kindly asked the nurse to smother the baby. The nurse, believing it to actually be the real Queen of England, immediately grabbed a pillow and ran for the delivery room. Upon getting wind of this plot, Middleton relocated the nurse to a cozy cottage in Scotland, where her identity and whereabouts remain unknown, however, it was officially reported that the nurse committed suicide because of the prank call, causing the radio station to get into all sorts of trouble. Middleton laughed wickedly as their careers were destroyed, believing the suicide to be real.

MAY THE TRUTH PREVAIL.

Taylor Swift Changes Her Mind

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED AGAIN

According to like, everyone, Lindsay Lohan was arrest yet again around last Thursday for what can only be described as "The crime of the century" by master detective Sherlock Holmes. According to Holmes, Ms. Lohan was plotting to steal the Crown Jewels by impersonating the Queen of England. Purportedly, Lohan's plan was to age extremely rapidly by smoking an obscene amount of cigarettes and illegal drugs, such as the marijuanas, and other lethal drugs that can kill you instantly. Then, when she was to reach the appearance of an 80-year-old woman, she was to dress up as the Queen herself, and simply walk into Buckingham Palace, where that tramp Kate Middleton resides, and steal the Crown Jewels, and I'm not talking about Prince Charles' testicles.

According to Perez Hilton of PerezHilton.org/unicornboy34, the solution to Lindsay Lohan's misbehavior is to "lock her up". Well, I say this to you all: Lindsay Lohan is an amazing actress and a semi-beautiful young attractive woman, and therefore, no jail time should be allotted to her. She is not black, nor an unattractive male, some I think we need to show some leeway in throwing down these ridiculous sentences on her being shouted by some crazed lynch-mob that is probably just made up of confused WTO protesters who got lost.

Clearly, the only good solution is to execute her via firing squad. No trial, no rehab, none of this silliness. Of course, this practice is illegal in the United States, so we may have to use our CIA connections with some god-awful third-world regime to do the dirty deed.

Wartune: She Has All The Excitement You Need!

The other day, I was thinking about trying out Wartune, but then an ad popped up that told me that it wasn't worth it. It was so odd, it was like seeing an ad for Macaroni And Cheese and then a narrator saying, "Don't buy our product. It tastes terrible, and is very unhealthy! May we suggest a substitute meal instead, such as a broiled chicken breast with a sweet potato?"

So, here's the thing - Wartune is telling me that she has all the excitement I need, therefore, I do not need to indulge in video games. I just need to find an extremely fit girl with black hair that flows around as she walks, C-cup boobs, and a dislike for large amounts of clothing. Really, once I have that, I'll have all the excitement I need! Of course, people may still be tempted to play Wartune instead. These people are people who are not attracted to females. Therefore, by way of reasoning, Wartune only wants to attract homosexual nerds who love city-building RPGs for some reason that I can only logically deduce is part of some secret plot to end the world next month. If so, their plan is already too far advanced for us to do anything to stop it - we are all dead.

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Psy: THE CHOSEN ONE TO SLAY THE BIEBER

Justin Bieber, being gunned down by police after opening fire.

Psy, walking away from Justin Bieber's destroyed career.

Psy. Of all the heroes of the internet, never has one been so unlikely, and yet, so amazingly heroic at the same time. When all seemed lost, when the cancer of Justin Bieber's "Baby" music video was reaching unhealthy power in it's wake, even the lengthiness of the red on the like/dislike bar was not enough to deter JB's rabid and snake-like fans from declaring him number one, when clearly, he is number two. Well, now it's literal. Actually, it was literal before, but less literal than it is now. Let's just be clear: the level of literalness concerning JB's status as number two has now been elevated to Code Holy Shit now that an amazing k-pop sanger from the Republic of Korea (That's the good korea, not the bad one) smashed Justin Bieber with his bombshell song, "Gangnam Style". Unlike Bieber's meaningless drivel, Gangnam Style has a soul to it, a meaning, and most importantly of all, it stands supreme atop a glorious mountain of burning bodies, all of them the carcasses of former Justin Bieber fans.

Justin Bieber could not be reached for comment, as he was busy being destroyed, and hit with water-bottles at concerts. The rapper Nas commented, saying, "Good thing Psy showed up, cuz I would've had to drop another Ether on JB. Think about that shit. Two Ethers in one career. Someone had to destroy that kid's career." Indeed, Psy's horse-dance, which he used in a parking garage dance-battle against some kid in a yellow suit, has Ethered Justin Bieber, effectively smashing the young pop icon's career like Willem DaFoe's nuts with a hammer! That comparison may be a bit unfair; Justin Bieber is known to have been born without testicles as part of a rare medical condition which is now known as Bieber's Disease, which millions of people around the world have been tested to be suffering from. Bieber's Disease is very dangerous and can infect the brain cavity quickly, and is generally closely associated with Bieber Fever. If you are hospitalized, you will probably be met by Dr. House, who will look at you sternly and tell one of the assistant doctors "Fill his/her bloodstream with as much potassium as possible." The other doctor would look curious and ask "Potassium? Why?" to which Dr. House would say "Because that's what they make cyanide with. Don't they teach you anything in that dirt hole known as 'medical school' anymore?"

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: BOXXY

 This is going to be the worst best thing I've ever done, period.

In an increasingly inconsistent and poorly-planned manner, Hot Girl of Ze Week marches on, and I present to you one of my favorite hot girls: Catie "Boxxy" Wayne. She catapulted to fame after some random person posted in the "you rage, you lose" thread, in which you have to subject yourself to various annoyances without getting angry for the arbitrary pride of winning. You don't even get a cheap plastic trophy for it. Well, as it so happens, people actually responded positively, and MoldyLunchBoxx's vids caused World War 3. China declared war and mobilized 20,000,000 troops, along with 5,000 vehicles, 500 warships, and deployed 1,200 nuclear-tipped ICBMs. After the destruction was over, Boxxy died, but then came back to life and revealed that the spastic alter-ego "Boxxy" was a ruse, leading us all to axe ourselfs, "Was it all part of a plot????"

Now, here's what I like about Boxxy - she's utterly insane, kind of like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, who I also find hot for the same reason. I want the kind of girl who will chop my penis off my sleep and throw it on the side of the road because she looked at my cellphone and saw a girl named "Christine" in my contacts. Now, whatever you may think of Boxxy, whether good or bad, one thing is clear: Even if the 'character' is a facade, to produce such a character, you need to have an element of that character's being in your imagination, which puts them deep in your consciousness. This leads to my hypothesis that giraffes should sprout wings and fly away to Mars, and also that Boxxy might actually be crazy irl, and could possibly be capable of cutting someone's cock off.

If I could give one piece of advice to Boxxy, it would be: black shirt, black room, black hair, black eye-liner AROUND the eyes. Stick to the formula. Also, don't listen to Svetlana, she is a bitch and her cat is a bitch.

Unfortunately, I don't think Boxxy and I are incapable as a couple, because anyone who marries Boxxy will be targeted for assassination by an elite team of international death-ninjas, most of whom are Asian and can fly. If death-ninjas attacked, I would only be able to kill 7 out of 10 ninjas before being slain; seven is my limit to anti-ninja combat, I'm working on increasing that number by doing 5,000 crunches a day and eating nothing but fresh cucumbers for a month. The ninjas, of course, would employed by a 4chan.org's largest division, The Newfags. Within The Newfag order, there is a subdivision of fags known as The Boxxyfags, who defend their 'queen' to death, and for me to violate her with my penis would break their strict code of Boxxy-Purity. There are more Boxxyfags than Smith clones. There number is equal to exactly infinity plus five. That means I couldn't possibly beat them all off. I would just spend all my beating them off; just beating off tons and tons of horny, angry men, so yeah, I think for this reason, Boxxy might not be ideal for me as a potential girlfriend. Bye, Addy!

 

Little Girl Amazed by Mitt Romney's Asshole

 Mitt Romney is running for President. If he wins, he has promised to set everyone on fire, put a sickle to all of our crops, and sell the United States of America to Albania for money that he will use for meth. But we don't discuss politics here. Well, not normally. We do, however, discuss politicians. The problem with politicians is that they are usually very unsexy and boring. Occasionally, politicians say crazy things that make you question their very sanity, or use their power to seduce and have sex with many, many women that aren't their wife. 

In this case, something very special happened. This little girl, as seen above, got a good look into the dark pit of Mitt Romney's asshole, and it was glorious. It's heavenly radiance shown brighter than the sun, but the golden rays of love and goodness irradiating out of his rectum were only the beginning. The Massachusetts Governor's anus was filled with unicorns - real unicorns! There were little men making candy and baking cookies, and handing out Hello Kitty back-packs for FREE. Mitt Romney was delighted to let all the children get a look into that beautiful portal. The little girl said of the incident, "I was like 'oh my god! that's Mitt Romney's butthole! And like, I saw a pegasus-horse flying in there, and golden fairies playing beautiful music on cellos in a grassy meadow filled with butterflies. I was just filled with this feeling of peace, and like, joy. It was just peace and joy and I want to crawl in there and live in there forever!"

 Moar liek:

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Guy Jumps From Really High Up

A few days ago, Felix Baumgartner jumped from really, really high up. The world watched for minutes with vague interest as Felix floated down to Earth after freefalling for like 7 hours or something. Before he hit the ground and went splat, he managed to grab his iPhone 4 and tweet the following: "I just jumped out of space. What the fuck did you do with your day?" and updated his Facebook status to "Fuck you all, I'm jumping out of space." while uploading a Youtube vlog he made while free-falling and saying "Hey fuckers, it's Felix. The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, you know, what with this fucking jump out of fucking space at the speed of fucking light. I just jumped out of space and you sad cumwads are stuck on the ground, doing boring things with your life. Look at my life. It is extreme and amazing. Look at your life. It is dull and stupid. You are a living ball of fuck. See ya around, fuckers!" before giving the middle finger and flinging his phone off into the distance, and it landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

So to answer this question, what I did with my day:

- I ate some breakfast
- I keeked your dog
- Went to the grocery store, picked up some eggs and grape juice
- Gave my dog a bath
- Watched "The Voice"
- Ate Chili
- FUCKED FELIX BAUMGARTNER'S MOM

WHAT'S UP FELIX? WHAT'S UP? COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME! SEE WHAT HAPPENS.