Wartune: She Has All The Excitement You Need!

The other day, I was thinking about trying out Wartune, but then an ad popped up that told me that it wasn't worth it. It was so odd, it was like seeing an ad for Macaroni And Cheese and then a narrator saying, "Don't buy our product. It tastes terrible, and is very unhealthy! May we suggest a substitute meal instead, such as a broiled chicken breast with a sweet potato?"

So, here's the thing - Wartune is telling me that she has all the excitement I need, therefore, I do not need to indulge in video games. I just need to find an extremely fit girl with black hair that flows around as she walks, C-cup boobs, and a dislike for large amounts of clothing. Really, once I have that, I'll have all the excitement I need! Of course, people may still be tempted to play Wartune instead. These people are people who are not attracted to females. Therefore, by way of reasoning, Wartune only wants to attract homosexual nerds who love city-building RPGs for some reason that I can only logically deduce is part of some secret plot to end the world next month. If so, their plan is already too far advanced for us to do anything to stop it - we are all dead.

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Psy: THE CHOSEN ONE TO SLAY THE BIEBER

Justin Bieber, being gunned down by police after opening fire.

Psy, walking away from Justin Bieber's destroyed career.

Psy. Of all the heroes of the internet, never has one been so unlikely, and yet, so amazingly heroic at the same time. When all seemed lost, when the cancer of Justin Bieber's "Baby" music video was reaching unhealthy power in it's wake, even the lengthiness of the red on the like/dislike bar was not enough to deter JB's rabid and snake-like fans from declaring him number one, when clearly, he is number two. Well, now it's literal. Actually, it was literal before, but less literal than it is now. Let's just be clear: the level of literalness concerning JB's status as number two has now been elevated to Code Holy Shit now that an amazing k-pop sanger from the Republic of Korea (That's the good korea, not the bad one) smashed Justin Bieber with his bombshell song, "Gangnam Style". Unlike Bieber's meaningless drivel, Gangnam Style has a soul to it, a meaning, and most importantly of all, it stands supreme atop a glorious mountain of burning bodies, all of them the carcasses of former Justin Bieber fans.

Justin Bieber could not be reached for comment, as he was busy being destroyed, and hit with water-bottles at concerts. The rapper Nas commented, saying, "Good thing Psy showed up, cuz I would've had to drop another Ether on JB. Think about that shit. Two Ethers in one career. Someone had to destroy that kid's career." Indeed, Psy's horse-dance, which he used in a parking garage dance-battle against some kid in a yellow suit, has Ethered Justin Bieber, effectively smashing the young pop icon's career like Willem DaFoe's nuts with a hammer! That comparison may be a bit unfair; Justin Bieber is known to have been born without testicles as part of a rare medical condition which is now known as Bieber's Disease, which millions of people around the world have been tested to be suffering from. Bieber's Disease is very dangerous and can infect the brain cavity quickly, and is generally closely associated with Bieber Fever. If you are hospitalized, you will probably be met by Dr. House, who will look at you sternly and tell one of the assistant doctors "Fill his/her bloodstream with as much potassium as possible." The other doctor would look curious and ask "Potassium? Why?" to which Dr. House would say "Because that's what they make cyanide with. Don't they teach you anything in that dirt hole known as 'medical school' anymore?"

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: BOXXY

 This is going to be the worst best thing I've ever done, period.

In an increasingly inconsistent and poorly-planned manner, Hot Girl of Ze Week marches on, and I present to you one of my favorite hot girls: Catie "Boxxy" Wayne. She catapulted to fame after some random person posted in the "you rage, you lose" thread, in which you have to subject yourself to various annoyances without getting angry for the arbitrary pride of winning. You don't even get a cheap plastic trophy for it. Well, as it so happens, people actually responded positively, and MoldyLunchBoxx's vids caused World War 3. China declared war and mobilized 20,000,000 troops, along with 5,000 vehicles, 500 warships, and deployed 1,200 nuclear-tipped ICBMs. After the destruction was over, Boxxy died, but then came back to life and revealed that the spastic alter-ego "Boxxy" was a ruse, leading us all to axe ourselfs, "Was it all part of a plot????"

Now, here's what I like about Boxxy - she's utterly insane, kind of like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, who I also find hot for the same reason. I want the kind of girl who will chop my penis off my sleep and throw it on the side of the road because she looked at my cellphone and saw a girl named "Christine" in my contacts. Now, whatever you may think of Boxxy, whether good or bad, one thing is clear: Even if the 'character' is a facade, to produce such a character, you need to have an element of that character's being in your imagination, which puts them deep in your consciousness. This leads to my hypothesis that giraffes should sprout wings and fly away to Mars, and also that Boxxy might actually be crazy irl, and could possibly be capable of cutting someone's cock off.

If I could give one piece of advice to Boxxy, it would be: black shirt, black room, black hair, black eye-liner AROUND the eyes. Stick to the formula. Also, don't listen to Svetlana, she is a bitch and her cat is a bitch.

Unfortunately, I don't think Boxxy and I are incapable as a couple, because anyone who marries Boxxy will be targeted for assassination by an elite team of international death-ninjas, most of whom are Asian and can fly. If death-ninjas attacked, I would only be able to kill 7 out of 10 ninjas before being slain; seven is my limit to anti-ninja combat, I'm working on increasing that number by doing 5,000 crunches a day and eating nothing but fresh cucumbers for a month. The ninjas, of course, would employed by a 4chan.org's largest division, The Newfags. Within The Newfag order, there is a subdivision of fags known as The Boxxyfags, who defend their 'queen' to death, and for me to violate her with my penis would break their strict code of Boxxy-Purity. There are more Boxxyfags than Smith clones. There number is equal to exactly infinity plus five. That means I couldn't possibly beat them all off. I would just spend all my beating them off; just beating off tons and tons of horny, angry men, so yeah, I think for this reason, Boxxy might not be ideal for me as a potential girlfriend. Bye, Addy!

 

Little Girl Amazed by Mitt Romney's Asshole

 Mitt Romney is running for President. If he wins, he has promised to set everyone on fire, put a sickle to all of our crops, and sell the United States of America to Albania for money that he will use for meth. But we don't discuss politics here. Well, not normally. We do, however, discuss politicians. The problem with politicians is that they are usually very unsexy and boring. Occasionally, politicians say crazy things that make you question their very sanity, or use their power to seduce and have sex with many, many women that aren't their wife. 

In this case, something very special happened. This little girl, as seen above, got a good look into the dark pit of Mitt Romney's asshole, and it was glorious. It's heavenly radiance shown brighter than the sun, but the golden rays of love and goodness irradiating out of his rectum were only the beginning. The Massachusetts Governor's anus was filled with unicorns - real unicorns! There were little men making candy and baking cookies, and handing out Hello Kitty back-packs for FREE. Mitt Romney was delighted to let all the children get a look into that beautiful portal. The little girl said of the incident, "I was like 'oh my god! that's Mitt Romney's butthole! And like, I saw a pegasus-horse flying in there, and golden fairies playing beautiful music on cellos in a grassy meadow filled with butterflies. I was just filled with this feeling of peace, and like, joy. It was just peace and joy and I want to crawl in there and live in there forever!"

 Moar liek:

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Guy Jumps From Really High Up

A few days ago, Felix Baumgartner jumped from really, really high up. The world watched for minutes with vague interest as Felix floated down to Earth after freefalling for like 7 hours or something. Before he hit the ground and went splat, he managed to grab his iPhone 4 and tweet the following: "I just jumped out of space. What the fuck did you do with your day?" and updated his Facebook status to "Fuck you all, I'm jumping out of space." while uploading a Youtube vlog he made while free-falling and saying "Hey fuckers, it's Felix. The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, you know, what with this fucking jump out of fucking space at the speed of fucking light. I just jumped out of space and you sad cumwads are stuck on the ground, doing boring things with your life. Look at my life. It is extreme and amazing. Look at your life. It is dull and stupid. You are a living ball of fuck. See ya around, fuckers!" before giving the middle finger and flinging his phone off into the distance, and it landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

So to answer this question, what I did with my day:

- I ate some breakfast
- I keeked your dog
- Went to the grocery store, picked up some eggs and grape juice
- Gave my dog a bath
- Watched "The Voice"
- Ate Chili
- FUCKED FELIX BAUMGARTNER'S MOM

WHAT'S UP FELIX? WHAT'S UP? COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME! SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Disney Airs 6 Minutes of Hardcore Porn During 'Lilo & Stitch' For No Explanable Reason

North Carolina - It was a pleasant evening with a blue sky, and a triple rainbow in the sky. Birds were singing and butterflies were flapping their wings in the wind. The temperature was very pleasant and it was the perfect day for Georgie Brown and her unknown number of children, until DISASTER STRUCK. About half-way into a recorded movie of Disney's Lilo & Stitch, everything went to Hell. During one of the most loving and good-spirited Disney movies of all-time, yo, 6 minutes of hardcore pornography splashed onto the screen, leaving Brown's children to sit and stare at a couple doing horrible, horrible (but totally natural) things.

Despite President Obama's pleas for peace, several radical underground groups have begun burning pictures of Walt Disney in the streets, and their bearded leaders have vowed "Massive retaliation that will leave the infidels as a mere memory to be torn from the pages of the history books, which will also be burned." Governor Mitt Romney has already weighed in on the matter, saying "I think the President has been very weak on the Disney crisis, and that ICBMs with thermonuclear warheads should absolutely be utilized in this instance to rain death from above on all those who dare oppose American exceptionalism." 

Meanwhile, Georgie Brown, as seen above with Lilo & Stitch in the background just to be condescending to all of you idiots, is demanding answers, and she will not stop until she gets them. Some sources say that she has even used extremist language of violence, such as "This is pretty unacceptable." and "How did this even happen? This makes no sense." Disney claims that they have no idea what happened, the satellite television provider also has stated: "This is literally impossible. We just have no idea how this could have happened, and none of our employees are the least bit disgruntled or perfidious enough to attempt an anonymous prank, because the local manager most certainly does not verbally abuse them at all, ever."

Officially, nobody knows anything about anything, but experts agree that this situation, although completely unacceptable, is still pretty fucking funny.

Vanessa Hudgen Apologizes For Exposing Her Delicious Body

Disney, California - Vanessa Hudgens, star of that one movie where all the high school kids sing and dance, has apologized for her body. A few years ago or some shit, Hudgens faced a scandal involving leaked cellphone photos that she allegedly sent to co-star Zack Efron because "She lost a bet." The enbattled Disney star soon found herself in hot water for doing something that a normal adult woman is completely allowed to do with a normal adult man. "Kids don't understand nudity." an anonymous Disney executive commented, "When they see pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothing, they get super-confused and start wanting to take their clothes off to emulate their favorite star, and that's not appropriate behavior for an 8-year-old." 15 minutes later, the same executive was arrested for possession of child pornography, and boy, did he have a lot of it.

The apology, in part, read:

Dear fans,

What's up? It's me, Vanessa Hudgens, you know, from High School: The Musical 2. I know it's been a couple years now, but I guess I want to drag this back out into public by saying that there were some pictures of me that weren't meant to be released to the public, and I am very sorry for taking pictures that weren't meant to be released to the public. From now on, I will work hard to always take pictures of family-friendly things, like watermelons, or ponies, or carpet samples. I also promise to never go naked again. I will remain clothed while showering, and I will never remove this pair of underwear that I have on now. Don't ask me how I will be using the bathroom, but I can assure you, I have worked out a system.

She goes on to say that working for Disney means living up to a nonsensically unrealistic image of perfection that does not include violence, bad words, human anatomy or reproduction, life, reality, or logic, and that she pledges to live up to that standard 100% in the future.

Meanwhile, In The Magical World of Disney...

What the fuck, holy shit, goddamn, holy asshole what the fuck.