Remember remember
the fifth of November
the gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot

KIM KARDASHIAN DIVORCE SCANDAL

Well, it's not actually much of a scandal.























After 72 days of holy matrimony, Kim Kardashian and Kris-whats-his-face have signed the divorce papers. The reason was "irreconcilable differences", which means Kris was beating her and prematurely ejaculating. Or maybe Kim was beating him, and she was prematurely ejaculating woman-cum before intercourse, then she would just fall asleep on top of him before he was satisfied.

According to Kim's mother, the marriage was most definitely not just for publicity purposes, because the Kardashians have never done anything just for getting publicity. Never. Ever.

This is just latest celebrity divorce, which always come in a series of threes, and frankly, I don't care that much, because I just want to know about how Herman Cain used to go around grabbing women's boobs back in the day. He just loved grabbing their boobs and going "This is how we say hello where I come from." and the women would reply with "Do you also normally put your hands up the shirt and bra and grab the boobs directly?" and Herman Cain was all like "Hail yeahhh."

What a pimp. I hope he becomes the President, because I believe the main reason you should become President is to get a lot of pussy. Bill Clinton had the right idea, but he didn't take it far enough, and denied he was doing it. The way I believe it should be done is openly, sometimes on live television, and done very often.

But uh, yeah, Kim Kardashian blah blah blah.

w9e847ro3qw DEMI MOORE AND ASHTON KUTCHER DIVORCE SCANDAL NUDE PICS HUH WHAT

Imagine you married your own mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time - you know she can make a mean breakfast, and you've already been in her vagina and sucked her tits. WELL, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. Next time, do something smarter with your time like playing golf in a thunderstorm, but instead of hitting golf balls, you're hitting yourself in the nuts repeatedly.

Ashton Kutcher has done both. Sort of. I'm not going to lie; marrying Demi Moore was probably the worst thing Ashton Kutcher has ever done, and he hosted Punk'd. So after a 500 billion dollar divorce, they're finally separated. Do not believe the headlines that claim that they are still together. I am declaring here and now that their marriage is so over that if it was more over, it would be Harold Camping's career.

The only way this relationship could get any more bizarre is if Ashton got breast implants and joined the Cult of Scientology simultaneously. Meanwhile, somewhere, Bruce Willis' ring is dropping to the ground and he's realizing that he's actually a ghost. I mean, that's what happened to his career after making a 17th Die Hard movie with the Mac guy, and Cop Out, which was named after the scriptwriters' mentality. Now, as Ashton Kutcher chases down some sleeping pills with whiskey in his closed garage with the motor running, wearing a Bruce Willis t-shirt and sobbing like a baby, Bruce Willis is yelling "Yippie kie yay, motherfucker!" as he orgasms while having incredibly incredible for-old-times-sake sex with Demi Moore's anus. SUP, ASHTON? Who's getting Punk'd now!?

If My Name Is Earl has taught us anything, it's that you can't run from Karma. Karma, of course, is a force of the universe which influences the paths of all conscious beings, and if you do something bad, then something bad will happen back to you. Like, let's say you marry Bruce Willis' ex-wife. That's pretty bad. In Christianity, I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for that. In Karma-anity, you have douchey tabloids trash the shit out of you until you start doing drugs just to escape from reality, and eventually end up on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where he declares you to be "unfixable".

LeAnn Rimes is too skinny and needs to eat.

Look at this:











Now look at this:























Now look at this:













Now look at this:





















Do I even need to write anything here? Yes, when your hip bones protrude abnormally far out and you can see your ribs, it's called "abs", love. Amy Paterson, shame on you. SHAME. Now Leann has to run the talk-show gauntlet to tell all the hosts she can that she's not anorexic. In the before-and-after pictures, you can clearly see she's wearing strips across, which makes her APPEAR heavier. In the second picture, she's wearing blue, which makes you look anorexic. So please, people, Leann Rimes is healthy as... as... fuck! So leave her alone, or else I will come to your house, and have a polite but firm conversation with you on how your words are hurtful.

Why Can't Jen Find Love!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!/1/1//1/1/1/1/1/1/1/

She's America's sweetheart. She has inspired millions and entertained billions. She went down into a well to save a trapped baby. She invented bread. However, when it comes to the affairs of the heart, Jen can't find love.

We all want Jen to find love. To quote astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, "The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which is that Jen might find love." and I concur pertinaciously. A cynical nihilist may assert that the presumed status of Jen's perceived romantic quagmire and our steadfast societal quixotic disposition to absolve Jen of her singlenessicity is floccinaucinihilipilificated. And you probably are thinking that I waited in a leopard-like state to pounce on the opportunity to utilize that word. You're damn right, in that case! But, as for all you Jen-doubters, I would implore you to think outside your dimly-lit box of no intellectual objectivity, anti-Jen-findinglove-ivity, and embrace the universally accepted negative-utilitarianist view that shows that Jen being in a relationship is good for us all.

Perhaps you've seen the rabid paparazzi, (Who have been medically diagnosed with Rabies, possibly early signs of the Rage Virus) exhibiting photos of Jen being single in public, which only work to exacerbate Jen's almost-certain distress concerning the fact that she's going to die alone in an apartment filled with cats and empty ice cream cartons while attempting a highly advanced Yoga pose. If you've seen such photos and maintain your insistent insouciance towards Jen, then you are not human. You're an alien or a centaur or something. Suppose you were single for a long time after dating someone who received the prestigious "hottest person in the world award" from ugly fat gay men. That would be absolutely fucked up, wouldn't it? I rest my case.

Now that we've establishment beyond a reasonable doubt that Jen needs love, then we now need to assess why Jen can't find love. A theory circulated by certain underground sources suggested that perhaps that behind the scenes, Jen is an erratic emotional mess, and expresses herself primarily through bitchiness. This theory is obvious bullshit. I don't even want to hear that shit.

So I did what Perez Hilton does: I went to the salons with gay guys, because all the hottest celebz (With a z) go in there to get their hair and make-up done by the gays, and they gossip to each other as the gays secretly listen. Perez Hilton then slips in the back door(If you know what I mean) and gets the scoop from the hair stylists (If you know what I mean). I did precisely this, and I heard from an unnamed source that Jen is enjoying being single. Upon hearing such motherfucking bullshit, I slapped him across the face and walked out indignantly. I'm still working on finding out why Jen can't find love, but I have a lot of secret sources who are currently being interrogated by Dick Cheney in a black site, so I'm certain that I will be able to deliver some answers to the American Public soon.

Godspeed!

Random Kate Middleton Pictures

This is England's Princess Kate Middleton of Chesterweschter or whatever. It's not important. What I'm really concerned about is the legacy of the Royal Family, because without them, the people of England would have billions of extra pounds (What those blokes call their dollars) that they would use to buy America and turn it into a dystopian nightmare out of the acid-induced visions of George Orwell. I'm talking like, we'd have electric cars and watch dog races on network television. If that happened, I'd go deep underground and start a gorilla war. Yes, I meant to say "gorilla". If you have no idea what a gorilla war is, then you need go back to kindergarten and start over with finger-painting. Here's the real reason I'm saying all of this: I don't trust Kate Middleton and neither should you. Prince William has royal blood and is constantly injecting his royal semen into Kate Middleton's non-royal muffin. She is a filthy commoner. We all know this, but no one wants to say anything. They're afraid that black vans are going to pull up and men in dark suits will have a firm, but polite talk with you about judging the character of others. I'm not afraid though. How could royalty fall in love with non-royalty? The answer is obvious: she is a Soviet-trained super-agent waiting to be activated on Day X, and steal all of Prince William's precious gold. All she would have to do is find the location of the gold, and stuff a little bit of it into her pocket every day, then "go for a little stroll", in which she delivers the gold to her contacts with the secret Colombian underground druglords. In short, Prince William was seduced by a mistress of seduction, who is about to shock the world by stealing all of his gold.

Until then, enjoy these pictures of Kate Middleton's diverse range of fashion:

Charlie Is Dead; Kate Still Alive

Yes.

Charlie Sheen's character, "Charlie" died and his ashes were vacuumed up by a hoover vacuum. Much to my dismay, he is still alive in real life. That may sound really incredibly cruel, but I have an excellent reason for being vindictive about his very existence: I am really jealous of him. I wish I could wake up in the morning and go on a show where I play a character exactly like myself with the same name as myself. Well, actually, he doesn't do that anymore, as of today. Kind of a bummer, actually. It's kind of like a great rival of mine has fallen before he even knew I was attempting to rival him. Now the rivalry is in limbo thanks to Charlie Sheen dying on his show which is exactly like... OMG IS HE GOING TO DIE IN REAL LIFE?

Coincidentally,















Kate Gosselin has announced that her hit show, Jon and Kate plus Eight, will be discontinued. That show really went downhill when the writers decided to kill off Jon, and then bring him back to life miraculously in the next season. I was like "Wait, he definitely died. We saw his dead body at the end of last season. This is stupid." and he just waltz onto the screen and goes "I'm alive, Kate." like it's no big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I don't know what Kate is going to do next, but for everyone who says she has a smoking body, consider this: imagine what her vagina looks like after pumping out eight children. Having sex with her is probably jumping onto a tire swing while being completely nude. What will the neighbors think?

As for the eight, there is no word yet whether or not anyone cares about them.

Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and Justin Timberlake leak nude pics! SCANDAL!!!!!

Well, it's that time of year again: the days are getting shorter, the leaves are turning golden, and celebrities are leaking naked pictures of themselves "by accident". When I heard Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and JT all dropped nude pics all over the web, I was all over that action. I did extensive research to find the said pictures, but alas, my pursuit was in vain. I manage to find this picture of Scarlett Johansson's butt, which I cleverly pixelated to censor the part of her butt which is unfit for the eyes of... uhm... I'm going to say "the children". No worries, it's okay to talk about about naked celebrities, as long as we don't actually show them. I also saw that picture of Mila Kunis flashing her boobs from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I almost forgot about after being traumatized by seeing Jason Segel's penis several dozen times. I had to go to therapy for that. I didn't look for Justin Timberlake's nude pictures, cuz I ain't gay. But seriously, I hate when celebrities leak their nude pictures, and I can't find them, or they just suck. The only good one I ever saw was the alleged nude Katy Perry picture, and nobody knows if it's her because she doesn't have her make-up on. But rest assured, if any decent nude celebrity pictures emerge, I will capture them like Pokemon and force them to battle in an arena of death until one remains victorious, standing atop the dead nude bodies of it's opponents.

This reminds me. Recently, Lady GaGa accidentally flashed her tits during a red carpet event. For anyone else, this would be career-killing. But she just brushed it off, lifted her top back up, and kept posing, LIKE A BOSS. How kick-ass is that?

The obligatory 9/11 post

Making fun of 9/11 is a one-way ticket to being hated and despised, so I'll just leave that to Ann Coulter.

It's sort of weird that it happened 10 years ago, because it really does feel just like yesterday when it happened. Back in those days, my brother and I used to watch a lot of cable news, so it wasn't surprising that the television was on when I woke up. What was surprising was that the World Trade Center had been hit by a jetliner. I started watching the news at approximately 9:30, so the second plane hadn't yet hit, so I began wondering how this could possibly happen. A jetliner typically cruises at 30,000+ feet, or approximately 6 miles high or more. That meant the plane would have to be either taking off or landing. However, the distance of JFK or Newark airports from downtown Manhattan means that the plane would have been in air for several minutes before reaching downtown. The answer to my questions came in the form of a second plane striking the second tower.

That day brought about a lot of odd consequences: two wars, conspiracy theories, a color-coded alert system that no one understands, a near-riot over a mosque being built, and also, a line in the sand. Are you with us or against us? That was the question we were asked by our government, and dissent or debate was regarded as unpatriotic or even cause for suspicion by the government. There was no room to be empathetic towards the terrorist organization that allegedly carried out the attack. At least with Timothy McVeigh and the Columbine shooters, we wanted to know why they did it. With the terrorists, we were fed the answer: "They hate freedom."

Some people want to know why it happened, whereas others simply don't care, and can only be satisfied with vengeance - and understandably so - more than three thousand people were killed brutally, and mercilessly, some of whom were in the process of trying to save the lives of others. But real freedom - freedom from fear, freedom from misguided information, freedom from being led away to be slaughtered - necessitates a love and desire for the truth, because information and knowledge are the key to the doors of freedom. Sure, celebrities are fun, but there comes aside when one has to take a step back from what consumes their time and realize there is a much bigger universe out there to be considered.

Years later, in the present, Osama bin Laden is dead at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, and there are still seemingly never-ending wars going on, costing us billions of dollars and lives of thousands of young men and women. It hardly seems like a fair trade to me, but then again, it's war; you really can't expect it to be pretty. But imagine the guy who shot Osama bin Laden in the face. That guy is going to get so much pussy. Think about one of those crazy ladies who has a house that is just filled with cats everywhere. That's how much pussy he's going to get. It's going to be legendary. But first, we have to bring him and everyone else home from that death-pit. If we have to wait another 10 years to catch Ayman Al-Zawahiri, then I say fuck it. Let's just pull everyone out of there, because let's be honest - we've killed a lot of Al-Qaeda's people, and at some point, we have to either just wipe the organization out in one big blow, and get acquainted with the idea that, even after they're all dead, there will still be people in the world who hate America.

If you're religious, I would recommend praying for protection. If you're an atheist, you should probably move to the Yukon. It's quite cold, but no terrorists have ever attacked or cared about that particular area. Either way, it's been 10 years since 9/11, and most of us are still alive. If there is any way I recommend commemorating 9/11, it would be to be thankful that we're alive and well, be happy for the lives we have, and not live in fear of losing that life. Even though it was a terrible day, and hard for some people to get past, I think a lot of them would agree with me in saying: love your life, every minute of it.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith DIVORCE SCANDAL OMG

After approximately 34 years of holy matrimony (and mattress moaning - OHHHH!!!!) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith ARE getting a divorce. As a matter of fact, they released this statement:

"Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact."

"Our marriage is intact" should always be followed by "...and we love each other very much, yo." but that statement was omitted. Also, curiously, the statement "...and we are not considering divorce." was also not present. Also, the statement "...go Lakers!" was absent as well. This can only mean one thing: a big-ass Hollywood divorce is going down and Jada Pinkett is going to have to move to China to work in a factory, because obviously, they don't have enough people over there. Then Jaden will do all the stuff he did in the new Karate Kid movie for real, then come back to America and beat the crap out of that dickhead Marc Anthony, who broke up the greatest Hollywood romance in history: Bennifer. GODDAMN YOU, MARC ANTHONY, YOU DESERVE TO GET HIT BY ONE OF THOSE TINY ELECTRIC CARS AND SUFFER A BROKEN TIBIA. WHY, GOD, WHY!? IT HURTS SO GOOD.

To make a long story short, Marc Anthony works on Jada's hit TV show... uhm... whatever it's called... and they decided to get drunk and do some sex. When Will found out, he got so mad that he single-handedly destroyed an alien civilization. Soon, the marriage was in turmoil. And that's the story all about how his life got turned upside-down.

I don't even care that JLo and Marc got divorced. She broke Ben's heart, and in a way, she broke America's heart. When Spencer and Heidi got divorced, I was like "Uh, saw that one coming." and I can't even begin to tell you how inevitable it is that Prince William is going to divorce Kate Middleton once he realizes that she tricked him into marrying her so that she could steal his gold and run off to South America.