NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."

Ben Affleck is Batman now, so is Matt Damon Robin?

amagad u gaiz liek ben afflek is liek t3h worstest actor man in the globe and if he plays batman its gunna ruin batman 4ever. this is literally the worst thing that has ever happened even worse than when that astroid hit da earth and killed all the dinosaurs or when hitler bombed pearl harbot and start ww2!!! this is worse then nuclear war lol jk but im sort of serious n i give t3h new batman movie liek 3 stars out of 10000000000!!! HA HA HA! BEN AFFLECK U SUCK UR THE WORST ACTORS EVER!!!!!

Ellen Page is a Lesbian

Bam. JCG's stamp of approval for Ellen Page's lesbianism. I personally find this turn of events to be rather unsurprising considering that she just gave me that lesbo vibe. I don't know exactly what it was, but I suspected it, just like I suspect Oprah is a lesbian as well. It is my sincere hope that Ellen Page releases photos of her making out with other girls while nude soon, cuz this boner ain't gonna take care of itself, and my girlfriend is in Colorado on a "business trip" where I bet she's screwing her boss, that fucking skank. And if you read this, Paulina, and you don't return my phone calls, I swear to god I will go fucking ballistic. I will shake the foundations of the earth. You better pick up your fucking phone, because I'm tired of your fucking games, bitch.

But uh, anyhow, congratulations to Ellen Page for being gay and stuff, and we here at JCG wish her nothing but the best in her quest for same-sex pussy. However, our sources cannot confirm if she was born a lesbian or simply "converted", which my girlfriend did before we started going out, because we met as friends and then she said she had feelings for me, and I was like well I thought you was a lesbian and then she just kissed me, and JESUS PAULINA I LOVE YOU. PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE. PLEASE.

fuck yeah!

Miley Cyrus twerked

So, while I was gone, I guess this happened. Hm.

Don't Let Michael Bay Ruin The Ninja Turtles Because He's Just Not That Great At Making Movies

Look, there were three things I loved as a little kid: Dinosaurs, Pizza, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wasn't old enough to love pussy yet. I didn't even know what pussy was. I mean, what a nerd, right? Now this dickhead Michael Bay who eats semen every evening for dinner wants to remake the TMNT series, and he's going to make Megan Fox into April O'Neil, even though April O'Neil was straight-up Irish redhead, so good luck with that one. If Transformers and Transformers 2: Revenge of The Faggot were any indickators, Michael Bay is an expert in making movies shitty. Michael Bay, I hope you read this and know that and realize that you are bad at movie-making. But you won't. You'll just go "Haha, this blog is just written by some angry fat bald guy in his 40s or some fat geek kid who never amounted to anything, and his life is so pathetic that he gets hard by writing some shit on the internet saying that all my hard work is for naught." because that's what everyone thinks because they can't take any constructive criticism.

And yes, this is constructive, because I am constructing some criticism.

First of all, Michael Bay literally sits down with a piece of paper and says "Let me write this down so I don't forget, because I am really stupid. What do people like in movies? Hm, let's see: action, sexy girls, explosions, heroics, slow motion. I need to make sure my movie is jam-packed with all of this. Oh, you what else I just thought of? People like comedy, so I'll put some funny stuff in there, too, because I think I'm a pretty funny person." and I hope he becomes a victim of police brutality because of this.

Second, this white-ass honky cracker takes stories that we know and love, and rapes them hard. Like, imagine you watched Michael Bay remake The Lion King or something. Disney already stole that movie from Kimba and Hamlet to make an epic movie with talking animals that sing and then go kill each other because of some rock in Africa. Michael Bay would add the following: action, sexy girls, explosions, heroics, slow motion. Simba would come back to life after receiving the all-spark up his anus.

Third, Megan Fox is interchangeable with any "sexy" woman who has very average acting skills, and it's obvious that I'm just hating because I can't have her. NO, IF I HATED HER, I WOULD FIND HER AND THROW A PIE IN HER FACE, PROBABLY A CREAM PIE BUT FRUIT PIES ARE PRETTY FUNNY TOO. She would have been pied already. Nobody escapes the justice of Pie-Man. But she can't be April O'Neil because that's unacceptable. April O'Neil is sooooooooo not a slut, and Megan Fox will definitely slut her up and she'll be sleeping with all the ninja turtles and getting tons of green dick.

In conclusion, Michael Bay is a bad movie-making person and Megan Fox should change her name to Megan Vixen.

All People Care About Is That I Ripped On Wartune

All my blog views are from people who want to read my post where I tear Wartune a new asshole. Actually, I tore them a few new assholes, just because that damn post is doing so well, but come ON!

#freepauladeen

Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Reese Witherspoon Fought The Law and The Law Won

Last Thursday, Reese Witherspoon (shown above) was arrested for being blonde without a license, but she wasn't gonna take that shit sitting down. The oscar-winning actress delivered a flying dragon kick to the groin of Officer Jim Ferguson when he attempted to grab her shoulder, a technique she learned while watching TaeBo videos. The other officer immediately tased Witherspoon, bringing her down swiftly, and she was then swarmed by police, who kicked her and beat her with batons until she stopped breathing. In a press conference following Witherspoon's apprehension, Mayor Lewis James praised the officers' heroic efforts, saying "Justice has won today. Evil must not be allowed to hide in the shadows, and as long as we have heroes like Jim Ferguson, we can sleep in our beds, and on park benches without fear of criminals, terrorists, horrorists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and mimes that are just waiting to hit you with a loaf of french bread."

Witherspoon's attorney said on Thursday, "Although I believe the measure of force was completely justified, I think we should take into account that my client is paying me to say the police were out of line, and therefore, I am going to proclaim this to you: the police were completely out of line and we need to throw them out of those blue uniforms, and into other uniforms, such as firefighters. To be honest, I think it would be a good transition for them. Nobody ever complains about 'firefighter brutality'. They get to be heroes no matter what. It's really not even fair."

Witherspoon herself tweeted "FUCK THE PIGS, TO SERVE AND PROTECT, WHAT A FUCKING LIE" and later elaborated on her tweet during an interview with David Letterman, saying "Basically, here's what happened. Fuck the police coming straight from a hollywood celebrity, I snap pigs like celery, a hellion on the streets, smash 'em to bits, match wits with utmost brevity." and went onto recite a pre-written poetic verse about police oppression to a rhythmic beat, in which she claimed that the police, rather than being objective in their apprehension of criminals, chose to target her specifically for being blonde, and vowed that if law enforcement officials were to enter her neighborhood, that the potential for riot-incited gun violence could potentially be used against the police. These extreme lyrics caused the show to cut to commercial, especially after Witherspoon pulled out a picture of Pope Francis, ripped it into pieces and yelled "Fight the real enemy!"