Oprah: Lesbian?

I'd like to take some time out from my Christmas-family-time to once again focus on what's truly important this holiday season: celebrities. Specifically, celebrities who are lesbians, and specifically, Oprah Winfrey.

I first suspected Oprah was a lesbian since always. Since then, I have picked up many pieces of the puzzle to build my huge, hard, throbbing, rock-solid case that Oprah has been lezzing it up, but one vital piece remains precariously and tantalizingly out of my grasp: A Scooby-Doo Episode style confession where she blurts out the obvious truth that shocks only the most naive 14-year-old girls who could've sworn that Clay Aiken was straight as a geometrical line. This has given me cause to go to Lez Con 5.

Very recently, Oprah gave an interview to Barbara Walters, in which Oprah denied engaging in hot steamy lesbian loving with Beyonce or some shit. She also denied being a lesbian entirely. Case closed, right? Wrong. That's exactly what I would expect a Secret Lesbian to say. I know their language.

This, of course, would come as no surprise to no one, because Ellen of Ellen is also a talk-show host with huge ratings (whose ass is kissed to no end and to, more often than not, no avail) who also, incidentally, is a lesbian. Bonnie Hunt is probably also a lesbian. The problem is, though, being a role model for married, middle-aged housewives takes on a special kind of responsibility, because I just know they're all going to have second thoughts about taking advice from a woman who is a single lesbian woman. I can't imagine two housewives having this conversation, nor can you:

Betty: Oh dear, I want to go shopping for my husband, but he always hates the clothes I buy for him. What should I do?

Kathy: I know! Let's ask a our friend, who is single at age 40, and also a lesbian!

Betty: Great idea!

and so on.

However, the truth must be revealed, therefore, by the power vested in me by Oden, king of the Norse gods, I hereby demand that Oprah do a webcam interview with me and admit to the obvious truth, a request which I somehow find to be totally realistic and flawless.