LimeWire sued for 75 Trillion dollars

A class-action lawsuit has been filed by several major record labels against Limewire.com, but it feels less like a lawsuit, and more like a really graphic gangbang, because they are suing for approximately 75 Trillion dollars, which is more than the amount of money in the entire world.

Do you really expect this to go through?

"Hell yeah." said a really smooth attorney working as a prosecutor in the case.

If successful, the debt will paid back approximately by 2,000,2011 A.D.

IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY - A very meanie mean critique

It's friday. You know what that means! Time to power-trip on the internet!

As a high-powered ruthless soulless stalkerazzi with no remorse in my heart and no need for sleep or food, I am on a constant power trip. Once, while hiding in Tom Cruise's bushes, I was like "Damn, I'm good." so I don't need any extra power-tripping. If anything, I need medication to take it down a notch, because damn, I'm good. Other people, such as unnamed internet music producers, need to power-trip it up at everyone's expense.

However, the music video for Friday is trippin' like crazy, and also incidentally, is bad in every way humanly possible. Is it worse than genocide? Possibly. Genocide is really, really, really bad. Friday is only really, really bad with two "reallys". But does it deserve the criticism it receives by millions of outraged people/robots?

Yes.

There is theory "out there" which is that all publicity is good publicity. Well, let's put that to the test with this review.

On rating system of 1 to 10 stars, I give Friday a good solid -392,782,281,983,198,452,102,002.45, and I spit upon it with nastiest, snot-filled blob of spittle imaginable. If this were the movie industry, Friday would be the equivalent of Gigli, or perhaps even Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is rumored that Dick Cheney developed Ark Records as a method of torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay so that they will reveal the location of the 500 billion dollars in gold that Osama bin Laden hides in his beard. I suspect this is the case, because when I was chatting with Dick Cheney on AOL back in the day, one of his screen names was TrizzyGangsta13, and the Youtube Channel hosting the abomination known as Friday is Trizzy66. Coincidence!? OR SECRET ILLUMINATI PLOT?

I wish there was a way to take Friday, and turn it into some form of toilet paper, so I could wipe the shit off my ass with it and then watch as it spins down into the toilet never to be seen again except by the sewer-dwelling elite mutant turtle fighting force. But I know that this dream of mine is impossible, because you cannot make toilet paper out of shit. If you did that, you'd be wiping shit with more shit, and then everyone would just agree that it was a terrible invention.

I should clarify that Ark Records barely qualifies as a "record label", but for all intents and purposes, I will to refer to it as such. Also, if any of the girls involved in the production read this by some bizarre twist of fate, I just want to say that you made a very poor life decision, but I hope that you can move on and become stronger as people or something. What I mean is, this isn't like smoking weed in high school; this is like smoking crack in high school. I hope this analogy provides you with some perspective on how poor the decision to be involved in this project was.

Now, some of the other critiques of Friday have been fairly brutal, so I'm going to tone mine down and keep it sweet and simple. First of all, I do not wish any of the grizzly fates some incredibly insensitive people have suggested befall Ms. Black, but maybe like, maybe she could get stung by large number of bees or something. I, of course, would not release the bees personally, and would never involve myself in anything involving bees. Then again, I'd rather work with bees for the rest of my life rather than be even a lowly stage-hand in the production of Friday.

Rebecca Black's voice is horrendous, and sounds like a room full of people singing "Happy Birthday" out of tune. Her voice is the reason Simon Cowell quit American Idol. Her voice is the reason Christina Aguilera will quit NBC's The Voice. Her voice is the reason for the recent Tsunami/Earthquake/Nuclear disaster in Japan. I can barely believe that's her actual voice. I'm almost positive the original track was sung by a choir of mentally handicapped people, and she merely lip-synched over it.

The song itself was written by a 3-year-old girl with a red crayon on a piece of yellow construction paper. Then it was slapped down on the wooden crate Trizzy uses for a desk in what can be described as a "barely functional office space" and he was all like "This shit is genius! Let me just bust a rhyme on this track and it'll go platinum!" and then they did some elaborate handshake.

Then they spammed the shit out of the internet. Oh boy, did they ever spam. OH, don't worry that everyone thinks the video is a flaming pile of dung that will be the end of civilization itself, at least you got almost 60 million views (so far), and that's all that matters, right? 60 million is such a big number. And you earned it. So pop some bubbly and give the middle finger to all the haters, because hot damn, that number is big. You did it. You got the big number.

Rage Against Charlie Sheen

Yes.

February was a boring and heavily-medicated month for me, but this month has been blowing up with headlines about one man: Charlie effing Sheen. For an intense celebrity-obsessed blogger like myself, I could not physically bring my fingers to resist the urge to type a post about Chuckie Sheen's wild antics, and BLOW THEM WILDLY OUT OF PROPORTION.

First of all, I get Charlie Sheen. He's just like me, except much older, has been in movies, lives on the other side of the country, is a different person, is much richer, owns a car, etc., but we're basically the same. I know what's going on in that brain of his. I see through that paper-thin facade. It's pretty obvious to me that Charlie Sheen -- and I am going on the official record as saying this shit -- is doing drugs again.

Is that slander? I don't know. We'll let our high-powered Jewish Lawyerbots battle it out in the streets of Tokyo to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'm just going to throw that out there, cuz it's ma opinion and I'm usually never wrong. This one time, a girl told me she knew Clay Aiken was straight, and I was like "Uh, no, he's gay." and look who's laughing all the way to the gay bank now? Me.

Now look, I know a lot of people are fanz of Charlie Sheen. He has a certain... uh... sheen... to him, and he was on the hilarious-for-awhile-then-gag-inducingly-repetitive hit show Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen as himself almost literally. All he had to do to get into character was show up at the studio and drink a glass of Jack Daniels, and -bam-, Charlie Sheen was ready to get on stage. Due to his personal life being an out of control party of hookers and cocaine (my opinion), he was promptly fired by Donald Trump from the show. Personally, I blame the economy for this layoff, and more importantly, I blame Obama. Damn you, Obama! You spent 800 billion dollars to bail out banks that got us into this mess, but didn't spend one cent to bail out Charlie Sheen. Why? America deserves answers, answers we're not getting, unless we go to protest outside the Black House (Formerly known as the White House) and PROTEST OUR ASSES OFF.

Who can possibly fill the gaping hole that is Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? Here's my opinion. No one. Only Charlie Sheen can show up to work and act in a role which is himself. Rob Lowe cannot show up to the set and be Charlie Sheen. That doesn't work, unless this an alternate dimension that we've stepped over into by warping time and space through a quantum experiment gone horribly wrong, which it's not! Just let the show die. The jokes have all been done to death, and while they were all funny and hilarious at first, IT'S OVER. LET IT GO, CBS, OR WHICHEVER NETWORK OWNS THAT SHOW. IT'S OVER. CAPS.

I AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR MAGGIE'S FARM NO MORE

I'm sick of working on Maggie's farm. It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor.

SO I QUIT.

What a month...

It's been quite a rough month for me personally, but also as a professional stalkerazzi. The amount of juicy celeb info I've been able to obtain has been greatly reduced by my frequent doctor visits, and taking medications, then switching medications, then changing the medication dosages.

Like, dang.

The Hot Girl of the Week is becoming more like "Hot Girl of the Month", and to be honest, if I did it weekly, I'd probably run out really fast, and then end up having to feature Jennifer Aniston or someone that everyone is sick of.

Yes, I'm thrilled with Jennifer Aniston's amazing weight loss, but c'mon. C'mon. Friends was canceled years ago. She divorced Brad Pitt years ago. What does she have left? NOTHING. NOTHING, I SAY. It's OVER, Aniston!! YOU HEAR ME, OVARRRRRR.

On a side note, I wanna just, like, say that I think, like, it was like totally wrong and uncool of Brad to leave Jennifer for Angelina. I mean, c'mon. C'mon. The thing about Angelina Jolie, is, to be honest, she looks kind of weird, like she's part reptilian. Now, I know it's possible that the Reptilians are scouting out planet Earth for when Tiamat (aka Niburu is coming aka Planet X) crosses paths with Earth in 2012, leading to an all-out interstellar conflict that will end all of humanity. I'm fairly sure Brad is aware of this information, however, for reasons unknown to us, has chosen to ignore it. Perhaps he believes that if he finds favor with the Lizard-beings, that they will have mercy and spare him instead of sending him to their death factories to be ground into a hamburger-like food substance. This, of course, is folly. And that, my friends, is why Brad was totally wrong to leave Jen.

Diet Oatmeal

...tastes exactly like shit.

If you're on a diet, you're forced to eat horrible food. As you may know, Hollywood Actresses never diet. Their method of preparation for movie roles involves a personal trainer feeling them up as they lift tiny weights, and a weak gag reflex. Only lowly non-celebrities attempt to diet, and it fails exactly 100% of the time, and that's a scientific fact, like how toast always falls jelly-side down.

Some of the horrible food used on diets are: Grapefruits (ew), Celery (gag), Yogurt (disgusting), Soy (Garbage), Sugar-Free Gum (fuqqin nazztii), and of course, more low-fat low sugar foods.

So, okay, I wanted to eat some oatmeal, but there was none, but there was diet oatmeal. I always keep some diet oatmeal on the shelf in case I run out of cat litter, and the cat needs something to crap into. Today, I made the ghastly error of deciding to try it out.

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being delicious, and 1 being vomit-inducing, it was around -3. It is rumored that David Carradine killed himself because he had some diet oatmeal. Diet oatmeal is what America tortures terrorists with, and is rumored to have been developed by Dick Cheney himself. This stuff is absolute crap in terms of flavor. If diet oatmeal was a person auditioning for American Idol, Simon would quit, and in fact, that's why he DID quit. More people hate diet oatmeal than Justin Bieber and Andy Dick's mutant asshole hate-child (I would call it a love-child, but that just seemed wrong). If diet oatmeal went to high school, he would be shoved in the lockers by the teachers and the principle, and when he turns in his term paper, it would break the school grading system, and they would have to invent a new letter lower than F, possibly G. After this, the teacher would be all "Get out of my classroom." and pull out a shotgun, and diet oatmeal would run out the door crying but would fart with every step. Then he would get home, and his father would beat him without mercy after seeing diet oatmeal's grades, that is, if diet oatmeal's father hadn't committed suicide from the disgrace of having such a failure of a son that turned all his drinking/poker buddies against him. Diet oatmeal's mother, of course, would be knitting a sweater for her son that reads "I suck", because diet oatmeal has a face that even his own mother thought was so hideous that it convinced her to sell her most valuable and dearest possessions to scrape up enough money to get surgery to get her tubes tied and take out her ovaries and place them in a vault that was dropped into an active volcano in the Pacific Ocean, which caused the volcano to erupt so violently that it created a brand-new continent.

Verdict: Guilty of killing Nicole

Reggio's Frozen Pizzas have finally fallen as the king of terrible nasty food.

Hey, whatever happened to Paris Hilton?

Hey, remember Paris Hilton?

















No Official Certified Profession Celebrity Gossip Blog would be complete without Paris Hilton. It would be like breakfast without bacon. It would be like be like Geraldo Rivera without a mustache. It would be like Paris Hilton without a penis in her vagina. Unfortunately for myself, and everyone else, Paris Hilton has been quieter than a church mouse, and you all know how quiet mice are when they're breaking into a church to eat that stale bread before it can transmogrify into the body of Christ. Those bastards.

Paris Hilton first made her first cerebral scars onto the cranium of America in 2003, with her hit reality-series The Simple Life, which chronicled her heart-warming journey of self-discovery on a rural farm along with sidekick Nicole "Holocaust Victim" Richie, torn from the luxurious glamour of their normal lives. However, instead of learning about simple living, the duo learned nothing, which seems to be a recurring theme.

The fame bestowed on them caused them to be on the cover of every magazine, even the sciencey ones. It seemed like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, Bliss (caused by ignorance), and apparently, night-vision cameras. But out of the blue, they vanished from the headlines.

Leaving an empty hole in my heart...


As a matter of fact...
















Hey, whatever happened to Tara Reid?

Last time I heard, she had a bit of a nipple slip during a red carpet event, where it took her several hours before she realized her boob was showing. The boob flash made one thing very clear: she got plastic surgery done by the same doctor who created The Human Centipede. Upon further photo analysis, she had other operations that seriousssss screwed up her body.

This is tragic. Tara Reid, while not being particularly bright, is very pretty, and she's RUINING it. I'd almost rather see Larry King naked, but OH WAIT, I already have! DAMN YOU, JON STEWART!

Still, Tara Reid's botched boobs/stomach are nothing compared to Paris Hilton's bizarre-looking other-worldly purple vagina. A normal, healthy vagina is surrounded by a beautiful soft pink/peach. Paris Hilton's vagina, however, is surrounded by dark purple flaps of skin that would flop around if there was a breeze blowing. It's like what would happen if you took the black gums in the mouths of dogs and used that tissue to make a vulva.

In short, it's an abomination to humanity.

Also, in even shorter, where are these girls? We need them to return, for the sake of all that is good and right in this world.

Penguins

You're welcome.

I'm on drugs and I just ate at Arby's

Well, it happened.

Before you get too excited, I already lost my ass virginity, so it's not that. I got the very first doses of my meds, so if you ever wondered "Why won't that kid just shut up and take his pills?", then let me just elaborate on the point that I had no pills to take up until this point, but now I do. Also, I'm writing this while being high. So if I throw in a weird-ass nonsensical out-of-place sentence about a giant Obamabot fighting a giant Penguin in the streets of Tokyo before realizing it was a girl giant penguin, and subsequently, destroying the entire city in a giant night-vision-goggle sex-video apocalypse, don't blame me.

Also, I just ate Arby's.

Today, I saw a news story about how Taco Bell's taco may or may not contain actual beef, but rather, "seasoned beef product" or some such nonsense. This made me think. Artificial food tastes delicious, and I want to know how I can make some of my own "beef product". I know that it involves a huge amount of high-fructose corn syrup and possible ground-up internal goat organs.

Now, some people may object to eating processed food upon discovering what's in it, but those people are too picky. That's why they're not eating fresh vegetables in the first place. I, on the other hand, realize that Fast Food is by far our most successful industry, and I think we should put Fast Food somewhere in the Pledge of Allegiance. There was this truck commercial that said "America got two things right: trucks and freedom". Wrong on both counts. The thing we got right was Fast Food, and to lesser extent, our ability to borrow an infinite amount of money from the Chinese. It's okay though; they're basically powerless against us, because if they ever demanded we pay back the debt, we'd instantly cut off their supply of cats and their population would starve off within days.

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

It's part of the conspiracy, man. You think your Government is telling you the truth? If you answer "Yes", then you need to get really, really, really high and then listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon while watching The Wizard Of Oz in sync, and you'll be all like "Oh shit". Think about this: the Humane Society goes around abducting millions, possibly billions (possibly trillions) of stray cats and dogs off da streetz everyday, to hold them for "adoption". If they aren't adopted, they tell us that they put the animals to sleep, which is Humane Society code for "We kill 'em. We kill 'em dead". In reality, all the animals are loaded onto a C-130 Transport Plane and flown to China to be turned into the meat for the Taco Bell franchises in mainland China. The spare cat parts are a regular part of the diet. Eggrolls? It's loaded with cat tongue meat. General Tso's "Chicken"? Cat penis. Won Ton Soup? Cat eyeballs. Kung Pow Chicken? Cat testicles + whiskers.

So, in closing, be sure to adopt a cat, or Sarah McLachlan is going to sing a super-sad song on TV while showing images of kittens until you die.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Warning: A post reeks of bad judgment. This post.


I know what you're thinking. "What a fool." you muse to yourself as you sip your herbal tea and adjust your glasses, because you presume yourself to be an intellectual. Well, you're not. You're a dirty bitch with AIDS. I can do anything I want, because this is America, and anarchy reigns in the streets. The other day, I saw a baby selling cigarettes. I saw a dog with only two legs eating a basketball for nourishment. I saw store owner smash his own window with a piece of furniture from his own store.

Anyyyyhow, every team needs a rebel; someone who just butts heads with everyone else, possibly due to having their blood infused with ram DNA. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles had Michelangelo. NWA had Ice Cube. The View has Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is the Ice Cube of The View.

Like most civilized nations, we deal with our anger through physical violence and blind rage and destruction. That's why we love watching Jerry Springer. However, whenever Politics is discussed, it never ends in knives being pulled. Imagine if Alan Colmes stabbed Sean Hannity on live TV. You can't. It just never happens. That is why people have so much penned-up rage when it comes to Politics, because they have no way of constructively channeling their emotions into a single Buddhist Palm technique that leaves a giant handprint-crater in the ground.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck discusses Politics, and therefore, 50% of the population hates her. The other 50% supports her, because they gotta stay true 2 tha game. Well, interestingly enough, I never really gave a damn until a friend explained to me that he found Elizabeth Hasselbeck attractive, and I was all "wuuuuuutttt" but then I had to say that I was inclined to agree with his disposition to initiate his phallic engorgement systems when visualizing her presence. Also, this friend was a hxc conservative who was trying to convince me that we need to carpet bomb Iran, but that's another story for another post. Personally, I don't think dropping carpets on a country that exports Persian Rugs would be very effective; it'd be like using Rock Slide against a Rhynadon.

In short, this has nothing to with politics.

Now with that out of the way, let me just give the facts: Elizabeth Hasselbeck was born sometime around 10 to 50 years ago in a small village in rural Thailand, which was burned by bandits. Hasselbeck was then raised by Tigers in the jungle, and taught to rip raw meat from the bones of an elephant using her teeth. She was then offered a job as a host on The View, a show where allegedly intelligent women discuss the issues of the day. Hasselbeck quickly bonded with the other ladies of the show, and they all loved her and everyone held hands and danced in a circle while wearing all white, and wearing a ring of flowers on their heads.

If I could give any advice to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, it would be: Never admit you're wrong about anything. As soon as you do, the socialists have won.

I don't think Elizabeth Hasselbeck and myself would be compatible because, to be honest, I would just haul off and smack her. Like, I would just abruptly fly into a Chris Brown level of rage and beat her without mercy or shame. But not really. That would be wrong. I'm just not into blondes... oh wait... I can't use that excuse... uhm...

Okay, she's just too stupid. There, I said it.