Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Reese Witherspoon Fought The Law and The Law Won

Last Thursday, Reese Witherspoon (shown above) was arrested for being blonde without a license, but she wasn't gonna take that shit sitting down. The oscar-winning actress delivered a flying dragon kick to the groin of Officer Jim Ferguson when he attempted to grab her shoulder, a technique she learned while watching TaeBo videos. The other officer immediately tased Witherspoon, bringing her down swiftly, and she was then swarmed by police, who kicked her and beat her with batons until she stopped breathing. In a press conference following Witherspoon's apprehension, Mayor Lewis James praised the officers' heroic efforts, saying "Justice has won today. Evil must not be allowed to hide in the shadows, and as long as we have heroes like Jim Ferguson, we can sleep in our beds, and on park benches without fear of criminals, terrorists, horrorists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and mimes that are just waiting to hit you with a loaf of french bread."

Witherspoon's attorney said on Thursday, "Although I believe the measure of force was completely justified, I think we should take into account that my client is paying me to say the police were out of line, and therefore, I am going to proclaim this to you: the police were completely out of line and we need to throw them out of those blue uniforms, and into other uniforms, such as firefighters. To be honest, I think it would be a good transition for them. Nobody ever complains about 'firefighter brutality'. They get to be heroes no matter what. It's really not even fair."

Witherspoon herself tweeted "FUCK THE PIGS, TO SERVE AND PROTECT, WHAT A FUCKING LIE" and later elaborated on her tweet during an interview with David Letterman, saying "Basically, here's what happened. Fuck the police coming straight from a hollywood celebrity, I snap pigs like celery, a hellion on the streets, smash 'em to bits, match wits with utmost brevity." and went onto recite a pre-written poetic verse about police oppression to a rhythmic beat, in which she claimed that the police, rather than being objective in their apprehension of criminals, chose to target her specifically for being blonde, and vowed that if law enforcement officials were to enter her neighborhood, that the potential for riot-incited gun violence could potentially be used against the police. These extreme lyrics caused the show to cut to commercial, especially after Witherspoon pulled out a picture of Pope Francis, ripped it into pieces and yelled "Fight the real enemy!"

Anne Hathaway's Final Warning to Seth MacFarlane

WE'RE BACK. GOSSIP CLIQUE MOTHERFUCKER. SHOOT THE FUCKING PLACE UP. 

Actress Anne Hathaway is not backing down from her threats against Seth MacFarlane, and the conflict between the two stars has escalated to new heights when Hathaway promised to track down the Family Guy voice-actor and "take him out". MacFarlane, who plays that talking dog on Family Guy, tweeted, "I'm scared, guys. I'm scared. I cannot tell you where I am, because she will find me. I fucked up this time. Shit. Tell my family that I love them."

Ms. Hathaway does not take MacFarlane lightly however, saying "He could be bluffing. His bunker is probably covered in booby traps, that's what this is for." she explained, holding up her new long-range flamethrower. 

Mila Kunis attempted to comment, but before she could complete a sentence into the microphone, the nearby crowd began chanting "Shut up Meg! Shut up Meg!"