Wartune: JOIN HER IN BED! SLEEP WITH HER NOW!

I decided to try my hand at creating a Wartune advertisement. I took this original Wartune ad, which reads "Join me in battle", and crossed out "battle". I felt like the word "battle" evokes too many thoughts of carnage, and takes the mind away from her beautiful, beautiful breasts. I changed the keyword to "Bed", which seems much more appropriate, especially since it is completely misleading about the content of the game. The subtext reads "Sleep with her now!" because I felt it would help lots of sex-deprived nerds to click on the button and get started on playing Wartune. Unfortunately, nerds are not stupid, but they are horny, so this strategy works perfectly. Creators of Wartune, I sincerely hope you consider my advertisement design, and implement it in your advertising. I will not ask for any money for coming up with this concept, I just want to see my creation to be seen by the world, that's all. 

My credentials:

- I am a marketing genius. This one time, I opened a lemonade stand, and got my parents to front the cash for building the business, then I kept all the profits, which I received quarterly (GET IT????), then when the business went under, I just dumped the stand into a dumpster and got away with all the money, and it was 100% legal.

- I am in college. I did not graduate yet, although you'd think by now I'd be done. This is not important. I could forge a college degree and award it to a chicken. Would you hire that chicken? Certainly, but remember, he would just walk in as a Vice-President and be all cocky. I, on the other hand, would walk in as a janitor. Not just any janitor. I would clean the business up from the ground up. 

- I am really super-smart. My brain is immense and stores much data. This means that I am like that kid in the movie 21, where he counts the cards and makes a ton of money. I'm like fucking Will Hunting.

In conclusion, if you did not hire me to the Wartune marketing staff after reading all of this, you will have made a colossal error in judgment, and are horrendous business people. If you do, however, hire me, you will be wiser than all of King Solomon's gold!

Sarah McLachlan Saves Millions of Animals with Guitar

Sometime around last Thursday, country artist Sarah McLachlan held a benefit concert to fight against animal cruelty, and promote awareness of animals. Her soft and beautiful voice echoed across the concert halls, and the crowds swayed back and forth in solidarity that the animals would be saved. Almost miraculously, with each strum of her acoustic guitar, Sarah McLachlan was able to resurrect exactly one hundred kittens with each string played. Soon, the audience joined in, and began resurrecting and adopting animals, bringing them into loving homes that would never harm them, that would always be there for them.

When the music slowly stopped, Sarah McLachlan stood slightly, with tears in her eyes. "You!" she began, "You are real heroes here tonight!" she said, speaking to the animals. "Thank you! God bless the United States of America!" and she walked off stage. The crowd was in awe.

Eminem Is Apparently Playing World of Tanks

(Click to enlarge)

So I saw this ad for "World of Tanks", a massive piece of shit game where you drive a tank and shoot other tanks with your tank, and tanks are just killing each other left and right by shooting each other with their hot tank-cum, and there are tanks humping each other left and right, and the guy tanks are just hitting on the girl tanks. It's just chaos. Now, this guy, "Kurt Knispel" looked familiar, and then it hit me: He's Marshall Mathers. He's just a regular guy, I don't know why all the fuss about him. BUT HE'S KILLING TANKS WHEN HE SHOULD BE KILLING RHYMES.

Look at this picture:

Here we see a very clear picture of Eminem, and what appears to be Tracy Morgan offering what appears to be Lady GaGa a moon-man trophy, even though clearly, neither of them have been to the moon. But look at Em's face. See the resemblance? Maybe?

World Set To End Tomorrow

 It's that time, folks. Time for the world to end. I've been saying this for years, and now it's finally here, Earth's final battle with Nibiru, aka Planet X, aka Tiamat, aka Nemesis, aka HR Paperstacks. The Zeta Lizardmen of Nibiru will no doubt overwhelm the Earth's defenses within a matter of hours, reducing our society to ruins, and wreaking havoc on our environment. Jeff Goldblum warned us this would happen, but now it's too late, and I'll never get to see Emma Stone's new sex tape, jam with One Direction, slap Justin Bieber across the face, or interview Lady GaGa.

Now you may be asking yourself: por que?

Here's the truth:

There are actually 12 planets. The Sun is the first planet, even though it's a star, and all the other planets are grains of sand compared to the sun. Our Moon (Luna) is also a planet. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Let's pretend moons like Titan, Callisto, Ganymede, Io, Europa and Triton don't exist for a minute, because otherwise, that would completely invalidate Luna as a planet. Then of course, we have the outer planets - Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (tee hee), Neptune, Pluto, Eris, and finally Nibiru. Nevermind that Pluto is smaller than many of the moons in the Solar System, it's a planet, dammit. The reason no one has ever seen Nibiru is because the Lizardmen have cloaked the planet, rendering it invisible to the naked telescope. Once the planets align, Nibiru will also crash into the Earth, I think. Whatever, we're just doomed, okay?

A Moment Of Silence

It's hard to do what I do, to make fun of celebrity-gossip magazines, when such a horrendous tragedy is weighing so heavily on my mind. I had some arguably funny posts in my head, but taking a step back from all that for a moment, I am reminded of how lucky we are to live in such a wonderful world, and how terrible it is when that tranquility of the moments we take for granted are shattered by brutality and violence. I was not personally affected by the tragedy, but my heart is really, truly broken for those who will not be spending this Christmas with a loved one. I can't imagine all the pain that they are feeling at this hour, but I hope with every fiber of my being that there really is an eternity of heavenly happiness, where those children will get to laugh and play without fear for the rest of their afterlives.

As for this talk of "what we should do about this" - talk of banning guns, or deploying law enforcement officials to every school - this talk is frivolous. There will always be evil in the world, and evil men and women will prey upon the weakest among us, the defenseless, the poor, the most-loved, and the innocent. They will always try to destroy our souls, and our will, and though they will always cast a malevolent shadow over everything we hold dear, do not be afraid. What to do? Tell someone you love them. Hug your loved ones, and hold them tight. Forgive someone who has wronged you. Accept an apology. Show kindness and compassion, even to those who do not deserve it. If you are religious, pray for peace in the lives of the victims. Pray for your family and thank God for every one of them.

I wish a Merry Christmas to you all. Stay strong.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's Relationship in SHAMBLES

It's over. America's most beloved couple, Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson, both co-stars in the hit comedy Twilight, broke up. According to anonymous sources, they really didn't care for each other to begin with, and Kristen found some tramp's panties in Robert's dressing room. Both were reluctant to speak out, with Robert saying, quote, "I don't think everyone needs to know what happens at every moment in our private lives. Suffice to say, relationships are difficult, and sometimes, they just don't work out. I apologize to no one because I'm not really sorry."

Kristen was even more reticent, only sighing and frowning before finally saying, "He thought Wookiees came from Endor, but they come from Kashyyyk. Ewoks come from Endor. I know they're both furry, but they're not the same thing. Also, he wanted to knife-fuck me, and I draw the line at being maimed during sex."

Fans across the nation were broken-hearted, but sources say that there is a high possibility that they will "get over it".

Inside Kristen and Robert's Amazing Relationship

What's the secret to Twilight co-stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson's fairy-tale relationship? Fans around the world look to this couple's relationship for inspiration, and vicariously share in their happiness as they strut down the red carpets, holding hands and smiling, almost beyond their own control, as the love unspoken seeks to escape their mouths, much like the warm flood of vomit after eating my Grandma's infamous cheesy potato recipe. However, in Hollywood, relationships seem to crack under brutal tabloid pressure like taking a package of graham crackers and crushing them in your mighty fist. 

When asked how the relationship is holding up so well in a tumultuous and fast-paced tinseltown atmosphere, both answered quite differently, but both had amazing advice. Kristen, when asked about Robert, she smiled gleefully and said, "He's so sweet. He's just... really sweet. Every time I want to get into a car, he opens the door before I can, so I don't have to undergo the rigors of moving my arm to open the door myself. He's just sweet like that. When he looks at you, you feel like you're standing under a waterfall of liquid sugar because of how sweet he is."

Robert laughed and added, "There's a lot more to this than just me. I mean, I think I just try my best to be a gentleman. Kristen is amazing. She spreads her legs more than any other slut I've ever fucked. Like, at least five or six times a day, you can be sure to find us fucking, and I don't think there is a surface in either of our houses that we have not fucked on top of. She loves sucking my dick and me cumming all over her face, and she's not afraid to take it in the ass. We love watching really raunchy pornography together and then getting out the sadomasochist leather bondage gear, because we both find intense pain to be incredibly erotic. That's probably why we constantly are wearing bandages, because at least one of us walks away from the ordeal bleeding and sobbing hysterically. I love her." Afterwards, they shared a small kiss and headed off, hand in hand, the perfect Hollywood couple.

Rihanna Explains Why She's Still With Chris Brown

Kate Middleton Gives Birth to The Antichrist, Destroys All Dissent

London, UK - A birth in the Royal Family is so often a joyous occasion in jolly ol' England, but Kate Middleton, that filthy commoner, has defiled Prince William's Royal Penis, whose sperm was ordained by God to only enter the uterus of royalty, not some insolent street-rat. However, much to the dismay of the Kings and Queens across Europe and the globe, some half-blood was born in a London hospital around last Thursday, and is scheduled to be ordained as the heir to the throne on 12/21/12. The Mayans knew this would happen. The ceremony will involve a young virgin being brought before the child, and her throat is to be slit, and the blood to be sprinkled onto the baby's forehead.

The brave citizens of England have been reduced to a quivering mass of trembling blubber in the wake of the Antichrist's birth, but one brave radio station was brave and bravely prank-called the hospital where Kate Middleton was staying, and using a poor impression of the Queen of England, they kindly asked the nurse to smother the baby. The nurse, believing it to actually be the real Queen of England, immediately grabbed a pillow and ran for the delivery room. Upon getting wind of this plot, Middleton relocated the nurse to a cozy cottage in Scotland, where her identity and whereabouts remain unknown, however, it was officially reported that the nurse committed suicide because of the prank call, causing the radio station to get into all sorts of trouble. Middleton laughed wickedly as their careers were destroyed, believing the suicide to be real.

MAY THE TRUTH PREVAIL.

Taylor Swift Changes Her Mind

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED AGAIN

According to like, everyone, Lindsay Lohan was arrest yet again around last Thursday for what can only be described as "The crime of the century" by master detective Sherlock Holmes. According to Holmes, Ms. Lohan was plotting to steal the Crown Jewels by impersonating the Queen of England. Purportedly, Lohan's plan was to age extremely rapidly by smoking an obscene amount of cigarettes and illegal drugs, such as the marijuanas, and other lethal drugs that can kill you instantly. Then, when she was to reach the appearance of an 80-year-old woman, she was to dress up as the Queen herself, and simply walk into Buckingham Palace, where that tramp Kate Middleton resides, and steal the Crown Jewels, and I'm not talking about Prince Charles' testicles.

According to Perez Hilton of PerezHilton.org/unicornboy34, the solution to Lindsay Lohan's misbehavior is to "lock her up". Well, I say this to you all: Lindsay Lohan is an amazing actress and a semi-beautiful young attractive woman, and therefore, no jail time should be allotted to her. She is not black, nor an unattractive male, some I think we need to show some leeway in throwing down these ridiculous sentences on her being shouted by some crazed lynch-mob that is probably just made up of confused WTO protesters who got lost.

Clearly, the only good solution is to execute her via firing squad. No trial, no rehab, none of this silliness. Of course, this practice is illegal in the United States, so we may have to use our CIA connections with some god-awful third-world regime to do the dirty deed.